Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Libertarian Kool Aid

I mentioned previously that this blog is about my home repairs, random libertarian rants and ninja news. Since a ninja assassin broke my camera when I wasn't looking, and I don't have any ninja news, I guess it's time for a libertarian rant. This might get ugly, so stop reading if you don't like cuss words.

Since the immigration rallies have been in the news of late, this will be freakishly relevant.

I guess one of the issues that distinguishes real libertarians from a la carte libertarians (a/k/a libertarian poseurs) is their stand on immigration. It's what separates the people who attend the church from the ones who drink the Kool Aid.

I was going to title this post "Tom Tancredo is a scumbag". Partly because he is, in fact, a fascist scumbag, but also because if you know that I think Tom Tancredo is a scumbag (which he is) then you would know where I stand on immigration.

If you ever want to see me get worked up until the vein in my forehead starts throbbing, ask me about warantless wiretaps, the seventeenth amendment or immigration reform.

First of all, let's get something out of the way. Building a wall between the US and Mexico wouldn't have prevented the 9/11 attacks. The terrorists didn't sneak in through the border. They didn't have to, we gave them visas. Secondly, no one is talking about building a wall between the US and Canada. So is the real reason for a wall that you want to stop terrorists, or the darkies?

The rhetoric and name calling on the hill has gotten really bad. These fear-mongering rednecks on the government's payroll should be ashamed of themselves. The rhetoric got so bad that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM), got up and told them a story about his mother, who was an illegal alien and how he watched federal agents take her away when he was a child. This moved several republicans because when they referred to illegal aliens as criminals and lowlives, they obviously weren't referring to the Senator's mother...she is white, after all.

But it's easier to demonize people who look and speak differently even if they are law-abiding, pay taxes , and contribute to your economy.

One of my favorite economists* Steven Landsburg a few years ago had this to say:

"the Senator appears to subscribe to some bizarre notion that we should care more about total strangers who happen to reside in the United States than about total strangers who happen to reside elsewhere, and that if we can force those strangers to stay on one side of an imaginary line then we need have no concern for their welfare. I cannot imagine any reasonable moral principle that would justify such anotion.

***

If Senator Feinstein were, say, a principled libertarian, then she'd favor allowing people to live where they choose. If she were a principled egalitarian, her concern for the relatively fortunate Mexicans who have made it across the border would be dwarfed by her concern for their impoverished former neighbors still stranded on the other side. Only by having no principles at all can she simultaneously demand that we offer more to the fortunate few and less to the unfortunate many."

With the war in Iraq faltering, the economy petering out, and republican loyalists everywhere under indictment, it looks like the neo fascists were looking for a feel good distraction (like gay marriage or Terry Schiavo) to rally the mob around. I'm glad that this is backfiring on them.

As a kid growing up, my dad had pictures (plural!) of Reagan in the living room, and the quickest way to get kicked out of our house was to make a disparaging remark about Reagan or stare at my sister's tits. Most of my family are republicans, so that's why I am completely disgusted by the behavior and rhetoric of Tom Tancredo and fascist scumbags like him. You make me ashamed that I ever voted republican. Don't worry, I won't make that same mistake in the next election.



*Yes, I have favorite economists, because I AM that much of a geek. Check out my faves on the sidebar of this blog.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The MacGuyver Kitchen

Here's the MacGuyver Kitchen story I've been promising to you imaginary internet people. Complete with pics.

Does anyone remember that quintessentially '80s show, Macguyver? He was the guy who could fix anything, but only using the most-ridiculously inappropriate improvised parts and tools. He could make a bazooka out of a car muffler, some gas and a dirty rag and use it to stop evil-doeers that make Al Qaada look like boy scouts. (I'm not making this up, this was an actual episode).

Since the show was cancelled, someone had to pick up MacGuyver's slack. And recently it was my Dad. I mentioned that he, my brother and some other members of the ninja clan came up from Florida (the place old ninjas go to retire) for Christmas. Well, there is no kitchen at my place. I mean there is a stove and fridge, but everything else was ripped out (including the floor) during renovations. The floor was put back, but the cabinets, sink and dishwasher were not so lucky.


I was content to just eat out everyday while they were over (my treat). Having me pay for a restaurant for nine people every day for a week, however, seemed inconceivable to my old man. I think he still sees me as the kid who helped him on construction sites for $5 an hour. Maybe he doesn't realize how overpaid derivatives lawyers are compared other people who shuffle paper around aimlessly. I told him that it was no big deal. I had been without a kitchen for 9 months. This puzzled the old ninja even more.

Dad: How can you live for 9 months without a Kitchen?

Ninja: Eh...I just eat at restaurants or get takeout.


Dad: You've been eating at restaurants or getting takeout every day for 9 months?

Ninja: Dad, I've been eating takeout or restaurant food everyday for 6 years...what's your point?


Maybe he doesn't like to eat out? Maybe he thinks it's a waste of money. Whatever. The point was that he wasn't having it. This would not do. A stove must be connected and a sink installed. We would have a traditional Christmas dinner cooked on a stove using traditional recipes from the ninja ancestral homeland and that was that. Herb encrusted chicken from Whole Foods would not do. Overpriced tapas at Zatinya was for tourists.



So he gets to work rigging up a sink. He used an old laundry tub that I had disconnected from the basement to make more room so I could I turn the half bath into a full bath. The he connects the diswasher to the sink using a combination of actual plumbing fittings, duct tape, electrical tape and wires made by stripping romex cables. The scary thing is that it actually works perfectly.



I wish I could say that I haven't worked on the kitchen because he did such a good job on it that I have been complacent. But really, I have just been lazy. But enough is enough. I am converting the MacGuyver Kitchen into a real kitchen soon. MacGuyver Kitchen, your days are numbersed. I'm starting with the floor. The kitchen is about 100 square feet and somebody who shall remain me somehow overestimated the flooring for the living room and bedroom and I got 3.5 boxes (about 70 square feet) of hardwood flooring leftover. So guess what's going in the kitchen? If you guessed hardwood, you are correct.

I'll start measuring and laying out this weekend and call the people at the lumber place to get an extra box of the stuff (they still owe me money because I never got the transitions that I paid for when they delivered the stuff).

So anyway, I'll try to post some pics as I progress because I know how much everyone loves hard wood.

Update: someone snuck in and dropped my digital camera when I was looking. It happened when I was carrying some stuff into the MacGuyver kitchen. I didn't see anyone, so whoever did it has some mad stealth skillz! Now it's not working. So I gotta get another one. But I think there are a couple of pics that I downloaded before it was taken out by a shadow warrior.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Weekend Plans

I was planning on catching the Cherry Blossoms again this weekend before they are gone. It looks like rain, so I'll have to rethink that. Luckily, I went last week and here is an obligatory blossom pic for my blog.



In case you are wondering, this isn't a professional pic. This is a pic that I took last weekend of the Cherry Blossoms. This raises the question: Is there anything that I am not awesome at? (besides english grammar syntax?).

In other news, my real estate broker, Jimmy The Greek, is coming by to assess the ninja fortress and tell me what needs to done, how much I could sell it for when it's finished, and how much if I sold it now as is and rid myself of this troublesome hobby. I can't stand most real estae brokers. I find them pushy, phony, arrogant and not very bright. But there are a few that don't suck, like my brother and Jimmy the Greek.

This weekend I'll also post some pics about the MacGuyver Kitchen and hopefully start on the floor there. Stay tuned...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Arlington Parking Nazis

Alright, so last week was pretty crappy as far as weeks go. If there was a crapitude scale, it would register pretty high as far as I'm concerned. Things are looking better though so I can finally talk about it without a profanity-laced tirade. There will be some profanity on here, because we're talking about parking nazis, so you might want to take the kiddies out the room for this post.


They say bad things come in 3s.

Incident 1) So the crapfest started on Monday. I was stressed out with the house renovations so I wanted to de-stress by going out and forgetting about the ninja fortress. The weight of the renovations is wearing on me and I reaaaaaallly needed a break. I went to Arlington for some salsa and got a friggin' parking ticket. My car registration sticker hadn't arrived from the Rainmen working the DC DMV so the Arlington Parking Nazis gave me a ticket for having a registration sticker that expired two days before. Two Days = $40. Fuckin' Nazis! Plus, the ticket says that if you want to contest the ticket and they decide that you still owe it, it's another $10. Arlington Fuckin'Parking Nazis, man! Then...the sticker comes in the mail on Friday. So the Nazis in Arlington give me a ticket because they morons in DC didn't mail me my registration on time. Bureaucartic oversight or government conspiracy? I'm just sayin...

Everyone is talking about how idiotic DC is for deploying cops to touristy areas to give out jaywalking tickets instead of sending them to high-crime areas to catch people who shoot people in the face. Now, there are no people in Arlington who shoot people in the face--Arlington is pretty BradyBunch-ish but I'm sure the broke-dick members of Arlington's Finest could find a real criminal if they really tried. But nooooo, while real crimes are being committed by sociopaths, they're out giving law-abiding people like me parking tickets. Perhaps he hasn't heard of me and didn't know about my recent victory over totalarian cops. Or perhaps he doesn't read my blog and doesn't realize that someone up there likes me and that I'm on the side of the angels.

No matter, Arlington Cops are barely even real cops. Unlike real cops in places like NY, LA and Chicago who deal with actual criminals, Arlington cops are overpaid, underworked nobodys in a DC suburb who have nothing better to do than to take out their frustations over a wasted career on unsuspecting motorists. Outside one of the most powerfull cities in the world, where history is being made everyday, these guys are the meter maids.

Well, you know what, traffic cop, nazi? You probably can't manage an erection with your wife and she, like the wife of every traffic cop, fantasizes about makin' it with a derivatives lawyer. What do you think of that, bitch?

Incident 2) I'm trying not be one of those blogs that talks about everything. This won't be a blog about what I had for breakfast or what happened on American Idol. There's plenty of blogs that talk about stuff like that so if that's what you're looking for, there's plenty of places for that, and most of them suck. This blog is about my home repairs, random libertarian rants, and ninja news...period. Therefore, crappy incident number 2 will not be discussed, but it is crappy...and it's not related to American Idol.

Incident 3) So around tuesday/wednesday I was thinking. It comes in 3s, what's next? I'm waitin' for the last shoe to drop and I get a call that my nephew is in the hospital. Appendicitis. Crap! At least it's one of those organs that you don't even need. So I call the kid and tell him that I'm gettin' him somethin' nice. I ask him what he wants and he says "Cash". What a capitalist! Gotta' love that kid. I tell the kid that cash ain't happenin'and to tell me something he wants he says

Nephew: How about a car?

Ninja: What? No way...you'll kill someone. How about a gun? Guns are cool!

Nephew: Don't guns kill people?

Ninja: What are you, a communist or something?


So if anyone has ideas on what to get a kid that just got his appendix out, let me know. Ideally, it should be something a teenager likes that will piss his parents off.

Anyway, I've been pretty pissed off all week, but things started turning around. I hit the Lottery on Friday...I won $4. That's 1/3 of a pomegranate martini at a DC hipster bar, but more importantly, it's a sign that good luck is coming. Then, something related to Incident Number 2) happened on Saturday. Again, I won't go into it, but I'm pretty happy about it. Not happy enough to stop hating nazis or anything, but pretty happy nonetheless. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Parking Nazi!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Coming Soon...

Well, hopefully this week I'll be able to tell you about the Arlington Parking Nazis and I'm going to start working on the floor in the MacGuyver kitchen. I've been a little swamped with paperwork so the repairs/blogging have suffered. The MacGuyver Kitchen needs some explanation, so hopefully I'll finish uploading the pics and then I can explain it properly.

In the meantime, if any of you know someone who gives out parking tickets in Arlington, kick them in the nuts and tell them the Ninja says hello.

I Really Need a Digital Camera Phone

Every time I encounter something photo-worthy, I never have a camera around. Since my cell phone contract expired I think I should get a camera phone so that stuff like what happened on saturday will be recorded for posterity. What happened Saturday?

Hmmm, well, it's like this. One of the things that you occassionally run into in gentrifying neighborhoods is a colorful local character called a crackhead. This is one of the reasons that I wish my up-and-coming neighborhood would hurry up and get there. Eff the morons who bemoan gentrification, the sooner Columbia Heights looks like Bethesda, with it's clean streets, ubiquitous chain restaurants and banal fashion stores, the better.

So I see this Ford Taurus parked behind the Sudanese Guy's place (of course, blocking my driveway). Initially I thought it was a contractor, but when I looked closer, I figured out it wasn't a contractor.
  1. The guy was driving a Ford Taurus, not a van or pickup truck;
  2. The guy was black, not latino (the sudanese guy only hires--then doesn't pay--latinos);
  3. The guy was wearing a sports jersey, not a Carhart coat;
  4. He was aimlessly pacing back and forth;
  5. He was really skinny (didn't look like the manual labor type)
I fugured he was a crackhead, since crackdealers don't work alone, so I washed my hands and went out there. I washed my hands because he was a crackhead. I didn't want to have compound/paint on me because I didn't want him knowing I was doing work there. If a crackhead knows your working then his brain goes like this:

Work = Tools; Tools = Money; Money = Crack...let's comeback later and steal something.

Now, I know I shoulda' called the cops because I don't want to lose my temper again, but the libertarian in me can't help trying to solve problems without involving the government (aka The Man). So as I approach, I see the guy is talking to himself. At first I thought he was on a hands free phone, but no, he was talking to himself. I also noticed that his eyes were dialated, the guy was on something. I'm guessing crack, but I'm not a connoisseur of illegal narcotics, so I wasn't really sure what he was on. In actually, I don't care if he was on friggin' fairy dust, I just wanted him out of my driveway.

Ninja: Hey man, can I help you with somethin'?

Crackhead: No...I'm just here prayin'

Ninja: Alright. But this here is a driveway; maybe you should get to a church;

Crackhead: I didn't mean to bother nobody, I just needed to pray 'cuz I've done bad things in my life

[at this point I notice that his car has a screwdriver instead of a key in the ignition, so I think the bad things he's referring to were fairly recent...like 15 minutes ago]

Ninja: Alright then. Finish up your prayer, say an Amen, then you gotta' go. This here's a driveway, man. I got shit to do that involves movin' my car, you feel me? (I used some hipster lingo that I picked up on MTV...oh those wacky kids and their street lingo).

Then our crackfriend finished his prayer, got into his car and left. I yelled at a wino the same day who was crawling over the dirt pile to get to his friend's house.

Gentrification! Gentrification! Hurry up!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Foreshadowing

Okay, since I have Monday off I'm expecting to get some work done this weekend. In the meantime, I'm trying to find a hardcopy of a big article that the Washington Post wrote about Columbia Heights (the neighborhood where the ninja fortress may or may not be located). For some reason it's not in their online edition, but they said good things about my hood, which means my master plan to sell the fortress for one meeelyun dollars and laugh all the way to the bank is incrementally more likely now. You hear that, potential buyers? Anyway, if I don't post it online in a day or two, I'll take a pic of the article and post it (I don't know how to use a scanner, so don't even ask). If anyone has a link to the article, please email it to me. I won't pay you money for it, but on your deathbed, you will achieve total conciousness, so you'll have that going for you...


I'll try to take pics of my work this weekend and post them. I also may or may not post something about the Arlington Parking Nazis (aka, The Man) and their efforts to oppress me (aka the workin' man). I tried to sit down and write it calmly, but it seems to quickly degerate into an obscenity-laced tirade ending in "feel my rage, bitches!" So I'll try to keep it family friendly.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Schadenfreude and the Sudanese Guy

Okay, so I got my pics working and here is the update on the sudanese guy. First, some random, but surpisingly relevant thoughts on Germans.

Only the Germans could come up with a word like "schadenfreude". For those of you who don't sprechen sie any deutchse, schadenfreude is the joy you get from seeing something bad happen to someone you dislike. You know, when they get their comeupppance. That feeling you got when you saw Princess Lea strangled Jabba the Hut in Empire Strikes Back, the germans have a word for that. Gotta love those silly krauts.

In case you are wondering what my point is. I experienced this emotion last week (because something bad happened to someone I dislike, not just because I'm part german). If you'll remember the problem I'm having with my Sudanese neighbor



You know he's got a bunch of dirt in his driveway, like this which makes it harder to use my driveway, especially when it encourages other illegal dumpers...












like this. (some dumped a couple of mattresses and boxpsrings after this, but I didn't take a pic because I am lazy).







So, you'll undertsand why I felt good when a tree fell on his house and knocked out his cable and phone lines. It didn't knock down his whole house, which would've made it more enjoyable, but still, that is pretty good.


I was trying to think if there is an equivalent way in english to describe how I feel about this. All I could come up with is : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think this is clearly a sign that I am in the right on this one. My neighbor claims that if the dirt wasn't there, the tree would've gone through the back of the guy's house so maybe that's a sign that God likes the dirt there. That's just silly.

He obviously wanted to punish the Sudanese guy so he took away his ability to watch this season's American Idol and if that guy doesn't get his act together, he will ratchet it up more and more until we have biblical plagues and such. The reason he didn't knock the house down first is because there are innocent Sudanese refugees renting rooms from the guy so it's his way of saying that "God's not down with Genocide, man."

By the way, a lot of Sudanese are polytheistic animists, not good catholics, like normal people. This could also be a sign that my Catholic Deity is more powerful than the silly rocks they pray to, but I won't go there.

(Please spare me the hate mail, with all the tuition that my parents paid to send me to Catholic school, I am entitled to make occassional jokes about religion...it's been pre-paid).

Friday, March 24, 2006

It's a small world...

So I had lunch the other day with Easy Rider and Rebel Yell. For those keeping score, we ate at Kopitiam, I had the malaysian beef chow fun and an unsweetened Iced Tea, 'cuz that's how I roll, baby. But that's not the point of this story. Easy Rider and Rebel Yell both know about my blog. I lent Easy Rider my miter saw a few weeks ago so he wouldn't have to buy one and he loaned me his circular saw. Well, I'm going to be needing it this weekend so I asked him about it. Then he says he's got a "funny story" about my miter saw. Uh oh...

In my mind I can't think of any possiblie scenario involving my miter saw that would be even remotely be considered a funny story. In fact, the only stories I could think about when he said that were ones that ended with "and I only turned my back for a second...who knew a crackhead could run so fast while carrying your miter saw!" But luckily, this was not one of those kinds of stories.

It turns out that Easy Rider was talkin' to one of his new neighbors who bought a place in his hood (Truxton/shaw?) with her spouse/significant other and was telling him about blogs she likes. She mentioned a blogger in Truxton, which I assume is Mari, then she said she likes reading the Home Improvement Ninja. She asked if he knows about the ninja. He said "Know about him? I got his miter saw in my basement!" So if any of you were wondering about the dearth of miter-saw related posts lately, you know who to blame. Hopefully I'll rectify that soon with some more hardwood flooring pics/posts.

I've always wondered about the four people a day who read my blog. So hello to that person, and the other three peple, whoever you are.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Put Yo' Money Where Yo' Mouth is.

I may be buying another house soon. For those of you keeping track, that's the ninja fortress, plus one I co-own with fat ninja and my dad, plus another one that fat ninja and dad want to buy. Despite my opinions about what may or may not happen to the real estate market in south florida, the house seems like a good deal and I trust my brother's judgment. It's on a double lot and he thinks we can subdivide the lot, sell the house and one lot for what we paid for it, then sell the other lot for an extra meeelyun dollars. Sounds like a plan. The only thing I don't like is that this one will be in my name. His credit is tapped out (owns two houses in his name plus our joint house) and my dad's ex ho-bag screwed up his credit in the divorce (plus he owns two houses in his name, and our joint house too), so it's gotta go in my name. I told my brother if he screws up my credit, I'll kick his ass, but he knows this is an idle threat. After 500 attempts, the best I ever did was fight him to a draw. So, here goes nothing...

In other housing news:

Even though you don't know who I am, before I say the following, just in case, let me say that the following is my opinion and it doesn't necessarily reflect the opinions of any of my co-workers or bosses. Got that, internet peeps?

Now then. Exciting news for finance geeks, like me! The Chicago Mercantile Exchange is launching a futures contract on housing prices in 10 cities. You can read about it here. If you have an opinion about the direction of real estate prices, you can now bet...errr, take advantage of your opinion without buying or selling actual houses.

If you think real estate in your city will go up, like the real estate brokers keep telling you, but you don't want to invest your life savings in a house, you can buy a futures contract (go long) on the housing market in your city and get the price appreciation without the headaches of home ownership (like leaky pipes and sudanese neighbors). If you think the price of housing might fall, but don't want to sell your house, move, then try to buy it back in 3 years, then you can stay where you are and sell a futures contract (short the market) and, economically, it will be as if you sold your house, except that you don't have to deal with shady movers breaking your antiques and "accidentally" rifling through your wife's underwear drawer.

Think of it like owning shares in an oil company, instead of digging for oil yo' self. Some people do very well in oil, despite being miserable human beings. I guess you could also alter your position as the value of your house starts to move out-of-sync with the index (dynamic hedging) , or buy options on the index and delta hedge your position, if that's how you roll, but that's beyond the scope of this blog, my imaginary friends.

I made a bet with Johnny Vegas last year about a recession in the British economy happening in the next few months, but luckily I'll only be out $60 if I'm wrong. I'm kind of an asshole for betting that something bad will happen to other people, but if you want to make money by betting against assholes like me, or by being an asshole yourself, then check out these new products and see how you do. Good luck!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Happy Belated St. Pat's

Well, I still can't get iPhoto working on my iMac, but I'll play around with it this weekend. I still owe my imaginary friends a WTF update on the Sudanese guy. If I can't get it working this weekend I'll just tell you what happened (and you won't believe it).

I did some electrical work this weekend (and I actually turned off the power first). But there's no pics to show you. For some reason, things like public speaking scare the crap out of me, but things like working with live electric wires don't. In my defense, the breaker box is in the basement and I don't like to go down 3 flights of stairs and back up just to do something simple, but I did it the right way this weekend. Soon I'll start wearing safety glasses when I use power tools and I'll look like a shop teacher (except I have all my fingers, knock wood).

Other than that, the weekend wasn't very eventful. I went out for a few drinks on St. Patrick's day. I didn't go to an Irish Bar because going to an Irish Bar on St. Patrick's day is idiotic. It's like you died and went to fraternity heaven.

I went to a bar called Brickskeller, which has several hundred kinds of beer from around the world. It's like DC's smaller, lamer version of The Peculiar Pub in NYC's Greenwich Village. DC seems to have a smaller, lamer version of everything in NYC, except organized crime, which is bigger, more violent and totally legal here. We elect new mob bosses every few years instead of whacking the old ones, which is more fun. (I drank Hoffbrau Heffeweise, for those of you keeping score).


At the bar, I was with my friend, Paddy McShamrock (His real name is actually almost as irish sounding), his GF and some of their friends. Here are some random facts about Paddy McShamrock:
  1. We worked together at my first lawyer gig;
  2. He claims he was fired because of me;
  3. I don't admit number 2, but he's now making more than twice what he was making when we worked together (plus bonus) so if I did get him fired, which I don't admit, I actually did him a favor;
  4. Paddy got a job in Miami and left here with enough flannel shirts in his wardrobe to outfit a canadian lumberjack camp; he came back with more metrosexual gear than the first season of Queer Eye;
  5. His place in South Beach would make the people on MTV cribs jealous.
Paddy's friend's GF reads my blog, as it turned out. I thought I was the only one who read it. She had some really intelligent questions about my post on the housing bubble and used the phrase "opportunity costs" in a sentence. (there's a lot of economists who can't use that correctly in a sentence). She also asked some econ questions about what's happening to the dollar, but I was drinking so I couldn't answer it too well. But if she's reading, here is the link that I mentioned. So my inner geek was happy. She also thought that there were an inordinate number of posts about my bathroom. I guess since people only know things about the ninja fortress that I tell them, it's bound to give people the idea that I'm obsessed with my bathroom. Pooping in my wall-to-wall marble bathroom makes me feel like the King of Siam, but I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with it or anything.

Next week I'll try to start on some kitchen stuff and get my iPhoto working again.

[Edited to fix a typo...because I AM that anal].

Friday, March 17, 2006

Mo' Music Mo' Problems

I have an update on the Sudanese guy, but I can't get my iPhoto working right and I have to post a picture about it because you wouldn't believe me if I told you. You would be like "shut yo' mouth, ninja, you're makin' that up." I don't know why you would talk like that, but in my mind that's how everyone on the internet talks.

I'm still having some minor issues with my computer, but when I was cleaning this week I found the diagnostic disk for my iMac and it says that nothings wrong with my hardware, so I may just take it to Apple and have them wipe everything clean and reload all my programs. I'll be uploading my CDs on iTunes for the next couple of months. D'oh!.

As a Catholic, I can't helpt thinking that this is my pennance for stealing music from the interweb and depriving rich musicians of my not-so-hard earned money. God hates music thieves and punishes them mercilessly...unless they use bit torrent to steal, in which case he is surprisingly avuncular and forgiving.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Crime Doesn't Pay

Well. my computer is up and running again. Luckily, the Apple people were able to get it working again for free. It turns out that something I downloaded off the internet was messing up my computer. And no, it wasn't p0rn, get your mind out of the gutter. It was Limewire, the thing that people use to steal....errr, borrow music from the interweb. I'll try to describe what happened, but I know so little about computers, it might sound like a 6 year old trying to describe the plot of a David Lynch movie.

Tech: These problems are sometimes caused by [P2P stuff].

Ninja: P2P?

Tech: P2P is peer-to-peer. Sometimes when people load a program to steal songs from the internet, it messes with the [permission something thingy] and [jacks up yo' mac]. Limewire is notorious for that.


Ninja: Oh. I think my uh, nephew might've installed Limewire on there to steal music..that kid's shady, man. I mean the kid is only six, but he's tricky....and he's got them li'l beady eyes.
Troulble, man...I'm just sayin'.

Tech: It's usually not a problem unless people steal a lot of music with it.

Ninja: oh...well, I'm not too good with computers, so I may have accidentally stolen a few hundred songs on there. I just can't get used that Mac mouse. You know, the one-button thing throws me off..


So the computer just shows a picture of an Apple and nothing happens. So the guy pushes some key on the keyboard when he starts it up and hooks up an external harddrive thingy with diagnostic software and disk repair software robots on it.


So first the guy tries Disk Utility. No luck there. Then he wants to run "Disk Warrior" which is "more agressive" but can wipe out your data. I said, "all I've got on there is my Music, which I can reload from my CDs...except for the stolen stuff, which God is already punishing me for." Plus when I saw the logo for Disk Warrior, I thought: That looks vaguely like a freakin' ninja. He can get get the job done.

Our shadow warrior friend fixed what needed to be fixed, but it still was a little jacked up. So they started it from some external drive thingy and fixed a few other things, then it was working fine again.


AFterwards, I took it home and it worked mostly fine, but I still have the occasssional weird pixelation issue. If it doesn't get any worse I'll probably just live with it until I upgrade to a laptop. Then maybe I can steal...ooops, borrow, a WiFi signal and I cancel my cable modem and save myself $1200 a year.

Hmmmm, so to recap my trip to the Apple store had mixed results. They were able to get my computer working again with some software fixes, which is good. But when I took it home, it still had some fo the same weird random pixalation issues from before, which is bad. It was free, which is good, but I am not sure it's fixed perfectly, which is bad.

The Moral of this story: DON'T STEAL MUSIC FROM THE INTERWEB (at least not using Limewire). The Mac guy uhhh allegedly told me that when his errrr friend accidentally steals music from the internet, he uses Bit Torrent. He said that that you need more Mac skillz to use it, but it's less likely to crash yo' system. I'll be the first to admit that my Mac skillz are not up to snuff, so I'll pay for my music from now on. Ya' hear that, Karma!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Ninja News: Episode 4

Since it's been long enough since the last episodes of Ninja News here, here, and here, I figured it was time for an update.


It appears that Ninjas dabble in other things besides home improvement. Here is a great online comic book about a Ninja who practices medicine...when he's not kickin' butt. The guy's name? Dr. McNinja, of course.








Here's a cute animated cartoon about a ninja, who may or may not be named Fuggy Fuggy.










A crazed "ninja" shot dead by a guy with a .357 magnum. Read the article here.

I have a few problems with this story. First, everyone knows you can't kill a ninja with a bullet, unless it's silver. The only way to kill a ninja and ensure that he doesn't come back to life and kill you right back is to drive a wooden stake through his black heart. Everyone knows that. Oh wait, maybe that's how you kill zombie pirates, isn't it? Ummm, well you know what. I'm not going to tell you how to kill a ninja, because Superman doesn't go around telling people that he's allergic to Kryptonite, right?



Secondly, not everybody who dresses in black is a Ninja. Do you think this guy is a ninja? I don't think so, slick. A rebel maybe, but a Ninja? Not! Ninja's don't make computers that freeze up on you just because you installed software to steal music from the internet. Ooops, I meant borrow...definitely borrow.



Paris Hilton wears black. You think she's a ninja? Maybe if she found a ancient ninja master in the spirit realm who would be willing to let her trade skank for ninpo skillz, then possibly, but otherwise, I don't really see it happening any time soon.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Puttin' the Hood in Neighborhood

This Old House is probably my least favorite show. However, they recently did a show in DC, so I figured I would watch it. They say you learn something new everyday, so when I actually learned two things, I exceeded my quota. Things I learned from watching This Old House DC:
  1. Somebody finally wised up and told Bob Villa to get his shinebox and go shine shoes someplace else;
  2. how to match old cement in bricks.
Regarding number 2: in case you didn't know, in reaaaallly old houses, like a lot of the ones in DC, there is probably not real cement holding together your bricks. Portland Cement, which they use nowadays wasn't invented until the 20s or 30s, so older houses have "cement" made from lime and sand. The difference between the cement they use nowadays and old stuff is like the difference between CrazyGlue and the "glue" you made with flour and water in kindergarten.

So anyway, that stuff wears out and it's a real bee-yotch to try to mix up something to repair it that will match the old stuff (unless you dig out a lot of it and re-point your whole house). So when they repaired an old townhouse in Shaw, a gentrifying neighborhood (that put the "hood" in neighborhood), they matched the old cement perfectly. How? They took a sample of the old cement and dipped it in Hydrocloric Acid. The acid disolves the lime, and leaves only the sand. Then you take the sand and find matching sand, add lime and voila, a perfect match.

This episode of This Old House did not suck because it was unlike the other episodes. What makes the other episodes unrealistic and unwatchable is the following:
  1. I wouldn't trust Bob Villa to shine my shoes (my regular shoes or my ninja climbing shoes), so I don't buy him as the host of a home improvement show;
  2. the houses on that show are usually in the million dollar plus range and the repairs are usually more than most people pay for an entire house. (I'm sorry, but I don't give a flying fig about renovating the governor's mansion, asshat. I wanna' know how the easiest way to insulate a really old house that had NO insulation whatsoever, so that I don't freeze to death or go broke paying the gas company) who has half a million for a renovation budget???;
  3. Something about Norm Abrams that I can't put my finger on makes me not like him. He's got that Unabomber thing going on. (I got my eye on you, man, so don't even think about it!);
  4. they tend to try to keep those places like museums. Who the hell still uses plaster? If you need to repair it, that's one thing, but if it's so bad that you had to remove it, why not just put up sheetrock like a normal person...or a person like me.
So anyway, some of the sucky elements of the usual episodes of This Old House were missing. It was a small 2BR rowhouse in Shaw. It was sold for $1 to a charitable organization that renovated it and turned it over to a needy family. Why you would give a home in one of the most expensive cities to live in to a really poor family is beyond me. The city keeps raising property assessments every year at an alarming rate, so I don't know how they are gonna afford it. Why not give a house in Beverly Hills to a poor family? I think they would be better off using the$250k they spent on renovations to buy 5 or 6 houses for poor people in someplace like Alabama.

I don't think I would use that Hydrocloric Acid trick myself (I don't mind endangering myself by doing electrical work, but something about Acid scares the crap out of me), but I thought I would throw it out there in case somebody finds it helpful.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Dorkapalooza

Well, part of the reason that I got little accomplished this weekend was that I had to go to a conference on Friday and Saturday. In case you were wondering, it wasn't a Derivatives Conference. It was a confernce for Securities Dorks. If you don't parctice law and are wondering what the difference is between Derivatives and Securities Lawyers, I'll explain it. Derivatives lawyers are like securities lawyers, except smarter and better looking. There, I said it.

So, as you would expect from secutiries lawyers this thing was unspeakably boring. They had presenters that literally read every word from their notes without looking up. And they did it in monotone. These people are really bright, but incredibly boring. At future events I hope they balance the panels out by adding people like me who are incredibly entertaining, but have no idea what we are talking about.



The highlight of the conference was lunch when I went to the new SEC bldg to visit my friend who is moving to california. The bldg is all gray granite and steel. My friend calls it "industrial chic", but I refer to it as "the place where colors go to die".

Anyway, this was a downer because although we all know that DC is a very transient city, my friend "Sailor Moon", was, literally, the first friend I made in DC. We met at school during orientation. And now she is leaving for San Diego. But she is married and has a kid now and San Diego is probably a much better place to raise kids than DC. Raising your kids around wolves is probably preferrable to raisng them around politicians, so I can't blame her. I won't post a pic of her because she asked me not to. She is afraid of the wierdos who read blogs on the internet (apologies to the non-wierdos who read my blog, to the others: you know who you are).



On sunday I managed to get what I hope are all the plumbing parts I needed from Lowe's and I also managed to drop my computer off at the Apple Store. I need to go there tonight to talk to the people at the "genius bar" to see what's wrong with it and if I should fix it or buy a new one. You know, I like Macs as much as the next guy, but I think calling your technicians "geniuses" is a bit much. Anyway, having my computer back should enable me to upload pics of my new work. If I don't get it back soon, I'll use the wayback machine and post pics of stuff that I did before but I didn't have time to blog about.

Maybe some before and after pics?

Monday, March 06, 2006

More Bubble Talk.

Well, since I can't upload pics until I get a new computer, or fix my old one, it would be pointless to describe the work I did recently. (I can't pat myself on the back properly without picks that confirm how awesome my mighty plumbing skiilz are). But I must say that I am very happy with Lowe's recently. They didn't have every piece in brass that I needed, but they did have most of them and the ones they didn't , they still had in both galvanized and black pipe (home depot had it in neither). Take THAT Home Depot! I also bought a cool Corldless Drill there (24 volts, baby!). But I haven't used it yet, so I'll wait to give you the product review.

In the meantime, I think I should expand on my previous bubble talk. Both to make it more understandable and prove my Derviatives Geek street cred.

So to fully expain the causes/effects of the bubble I had to think of how to explain it with everyday terms. Here is an analogy. Let’s say you open up a shop that sells ham and cheese sandwiches. You are making a lot of money at it, of course. So other people start to open up more sandwich shops. The competition pushes down sandwich prices and you make less money. This is how things work in the real world, until the government sticks it's nose into it. The government always sees a problem, then goes in and makes it worse.


The Fed Chairman sees the slowdown in sandwich sales and decides that, to avoid the prices of sandwiches going down (deflation!) he should print more money (i.e. lower the short-term interest rates). In order to prevent that money from being spent on other things (like cars), congress passes certain tax laws and subsidies to make sure that the money goes to sandwich shops (they make the interest on sandwiches tax deductible, and if you invest in a sandwich shop and sell it after two years, you pay no tax on the sale etc.). They also set up quasi-federal agencies (Fannie Mae etc.) to give below market government guarantees to loans on sandwich shops.



All of a sudden, lots of people start going to sandwich shops and the price of ham, cheese and bread go up. You used to be able to make a sandwich for a $1 and sell it for $3. The higher prices now mean that it costs you $2 to make a sandwich and you sell it for $4. After prices rise again, it costs you $3 to make a sandwich. You try to raise prices to $5, but no one buys your sandwiches, so you drop the price back down to $4, to keep the food from spoiling and you losing everything.

Now, here is where the problem comes in. As the price of ham, cheese and bread keep going up, soon it will cost more to make a sandwich than you can sell it for. That’s when you the sandwich bubble will end.

Now, onto real estate: If you hadn’t noticed, the price of energy has gone way up recently. (people blame the arabs and Opec, but that’s not the real reason). The price of steel is at record prices too (people blame China, but that’s not the reason either). The price of Lumber (damn Canadians!), cement (damn Katrina!) and Drywall are all up. In addition, copper(damn internet!), cocoa(damn Ivory Coast riots), steel, gold are all at record prices. So instead of asking “why are commodity prices rising” you can ask the opposite “why is the value of the dollar falling?”.



The value of the dollar is falling because we are printing so much money. They are printing so much of it, in fact, that begining in March, they won't even tell you how much of it they are printing anymore. With all that money floating around, just like in post-WWI germany, you have inflation in the price of raw goods. Now when the price of concrete, drywall, lumber, land and construction labor keeps going up, it will reach a point where it costs more to build these houses/condos than you can sell them for. And don’t kid yourself, this isn’t NYC, there is a practical limit on how high prices can go. Two government employees can’t afford a million-dollar first home, and two associates at a top law firm would barely be able to do so.




So, the reason the bubble will end, will have to do with rising commodity prices, not rising interest rates. There is only one real estate investor, Tom Barrack, who I have ever seen who said this will be the reason, not interest rates, for the end of the real estate boom. Although he doesn’t mention Mises or Austrian Business Cycle Theory, his description is pretty similar.



In fact, he sees signs of the tech bubble mentality in real estate. Too much capital is chasing real estate, he explains, with hedge funds, private equity groups, and rich investors all bidding on the same properties. "They've driven prices to the point where the yields on high-quality properties are like the returns on bonds, around 5 percent or 6 percent," says Barrack. "That's too low."





Now, what about interest rates? Well, some people think that The new Fed Chairman (or the old one) has some effect on mortgage rates and will cause the bubble to burst when he raises short-term rates. That's incorrect. Mortgages are affected by long-term interest rates that are priced at a certain amount over U.S. Bonds. Since we buy more from places like China and Japan than we sell, they have a lot of dollars. Dollars are like a gift certificate that can only be used in the US. But their holders are not buying US goods with these dollars, but they have to buy something with it. So they end up buying US Treasury Bonds. All those billions going into US Bonds has bid their price up, making the interest payable on them lower. SInce the interest on US Bonds is lower, the interest on mortgages are lower. WHen foreigners decide to stop buying US Bonds (because with the falling dollar, it makes it a losing investment) interest rates will go up. But, as I said, the bubble's end will be caused by other factors.

Now, given the history of past real estate bubbles, it's possible that prices won't collapse. THey may just stay where they are for the next 10-12 years (like what happened in DC prior to 1999). It all depends on how many flippers try to sell at the same time. What makes real estate bubbles different from stock bubbles is that non-speculative owners can hold onto their property and stabilize the market. This makes me less afraid of buying property in a place like DC where people live and work than in a place like Vegas where a lot of the price appreciation comes from flippers who have no intention of living there and who will sell at the first sign of trouble. Still, Anyone that tells you that real estate always goes up or that paying $800k for a 2BR condo (with a $700 a month condo fee) is a great investment is smoking some serious crack.

I'm not saying not to buy a house (I own one and part of another one), but make suer the numbers make sense and don't buy using a variable rate mortgage because you will get kicked in the financial nuts when the Chinese start shifting their assets from US Bonds to gold or other currencies like the Euro.

All graphs were from THe Prudent Bear.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

iMac = R.I.P.

Well, it finally happened. My iMac up and died on me. I mean it's been acting up more and more lately, requiring me to re-boot at shorter and shorter intervals, but now it's totally gone. I tried it about a dozen times, but it gets to the screen with the silver Apple Logo and just stays there forever. I guess it's technically not dead then, it's in a coma. Should I try to keep her alive or pull a Terry Schiavo on her ass? And if I do, will Tom Delay enact legislation to stop me?

I was trying to decide what course of action to take.

  1. Fix it myself. I don't need to worry about voiding the manufacturers warranty because it expired already. The bragging rights on this would be friggin' sweet, but I have no idea what I'm doing; it would probably take way too much time away from home improvement and naps; and I could potentially electrocute myself;
  2. Get Apple to Fix it. This probably makes sense, but I would feel kinda silly paying $5-600 to get it fixed when I could buy a new one for about $1000. The plus side to this solution is that I wouldn't have to re-load all my CDs onto iTunes again, which takes forever;
  3. Buy another Apple. The new Apples are sweeeeeet, but to get a decent one would probably run me $1300-1500 bucks ($1000 is for the cheapest laptop). Two problems with this, I'm not made of money and I worry about spending that much on a new one and having it crap out on me.
  4. Buy a PC. I saw a commercial where you can get a Dell with a flatscreen monitor and printer and all that stuff for under $500. That's awesome, but it's still not a Mac, which would make feel like I'm cheating (plus, technologically speaking, I'm an idiot that has a hard time working my iMac, the thouthg of tinkering with a PC is scary mojo).

Either way, I have to make up my mind soon because Tax season is coming up so I need to figure out which version (Mac or PC of Turbo Tax to buy). In case you are wondering, the IT Gestapo has put something on our computers to prevent you from loading any software on your work computer. So I need to intsall it at home. The only way to alter one of these machines is to call tech support and have them send up an IT gnome with pasty-white skin and big coke-bottle glasses and freaky yellow eyes that have never seen natural sunlight. They also spit when they talk and ask you weird questions like "do you think that girl that hangs out in the hallway has a boyfriend". Then you have to explain to them that there's no girl in the hallway, that it's actually a couch. I'm telling you, we need to talk to HR about our mutant hiring policies.

Not having a computer also prevents me from uploading pics of the home improvement projects I am working on. So for the next week or so, you people will just have to take my word about how awesome my skillz are.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Yes, We Have No Bananas

I have mentioned before about how much I hate Home Depot. In particular, I hate the Home Depot on Rhode Island avenue in Washington, DC. The other one in Virginia sux compared to Lowes too, but it doesn't suck as badly.

Everytime I swear off that place, because of the surly incompetent staff or the fact they never have what I need, I end up going back there because it's closer than Lowe's. This weekend was no exception.


I used to laugh at Charlie Brown because no matter how many times Lucy would pull the football out from under him, he was always convinced that this time, things would be different. Well, old Charlie has nothing on me. After previous trips to Home Depot where they have been out of such basic things as solder and teflon tape, I realllllly swore never again to subject myself to the Kafka-esque level of stupidity.



Ninja: What do you mean you don't have teflon tape?

Depot Moron: We're out of it.

Ninja: This is the plumbing section. How could you be out of it?

Depot Moron: Well, sometimes we run out of stuff. It's not like we don't have anything, we got plenty of pipes.

Ninja: What good are pipes without teflon? How are you supposed to join them, with Duct Tape?




(this is a simulation of how I feel whenever I leave Home Depot. I don't really look like this guy though. I am more ninja-esque).








So this weekend, because I needed to be punished, I went to try to get some plumbing pieces. Brass Bushings to be exact. I needed to re-connect a couple of radiators and I needed brass pieces to go from the copper pipes to steel pipes, because if you connect copper directly to galvinized pipes, they react chemically and leak eventually. I always use brass pipes to connect copper to galvinized because the other solution (a di-electric union) doesn't work. It's a big scam. And a waste of money. And ummmm, it probably causes cancer. There, I said it.

So back to Home Depot. I am looking around and I didn't see any brass fittings at all (except for the teeeny tiny compression ones you use for connecting air lines) . And they didn't even have steel bushings in the size I needed either, that I could've used instead. So, despite my better judgment, I asked one of their crack plumbing staff about it.

Ninja: Where are your brass plumbing fittings?

HDMoron: We don't carry them in this store.

NInja: Huh? Why not?

HDMoron: Uhh, well people buy brass just for the appearance, but we don't have a lot of room to stock it, so we carry galvinized fittings instead.

Ninja: What? Brass is not just for appearance...what if you need to join copper and galvinized pipes?

HDMoron: Well, you could use a di-electric union.

Ninja: *sigh* okay give me one of those.

HDMoron: We're out of them.

Unfreakingbelievable. This reminds me of that joke where the guy tells the waiter he wants an ice cream sundae, but with no walnuts, and the waiter says "I'm sorry, we're out of walnuts, would you like it without almonds instead?".

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Bubble?

The topic of conversation everywhere you go seems to be whether or not there is a housing bubble and if prices will continue to climb or "correct" and by how much. Whenever someone tries to give me their opinion on something like this, no matter how ill-informed they are, I pretend to listen patiently, then I tell them why they are wrong, and they don't believe me. But that's okay. No-one believed Einstein at first either...and I have better hair than him.

I'll try to post a more-detailed post about the reasons why in a future post, but, yes, I do think we are in a housing bubble. Now, for the record:




  • the bubble will not end when interest rates rise, the end will be from something completely unrelated that no one understands...except me and a few austro-libertarian economists (and possibly that guy outside Starbucks with the sign spouting various conspiracy theories);
  • interest rates will not rise when Bernake (Greenspan's successor) raises interest rates (the inverted yield curve is proof of that). It will end when China, Japan and Korea stop buying US treasury bills and artificially subsidizing our idiot politicians who spend like drunken sailors in a Saigon whorehouse;
  • the bubble will end, as predicted by the Mises/Hayek Austrian Business cycle theory when rising costs of capital goods make the return on investing in real estate untenable (just like it did for the dot-com and telecom bubbles);
  • the cause of the bubble is not supply/demand or a housing shortage as real estate agents would like you to believe. It is because Greenspan, and now Bernake, have increased the money supply (M3) to unprecedented levels (like Weimar Germany did after WWI);
  • Greenspan is an idiot, and Bernake is a bigger idiot. Paul Volker rulz!
Given what I have just said (which I have been saying since I sold my condo in 2003) you may wonder why I bought a house last year. Or why, I just bought another one (with my dad and brother) in Florida. Or why I also bought one with him a few years ago, after I had already been predicting a "correction".

Well, I think that because I bought a fixer-upper in an up-and-coming area of DC that I got it at a good enough price that I will still make money even if something happens to the housing market. Ditto for the house in Florida. My brother (a real-estate agent) found a house that was on a double-lot listed for, basically, a little more than the land was worth*. I bought a house with my dad in Florida a couple of years ago and despite him having to sell it because of a divorce (and overinvesting in improvements) we still did really well on it. So based on the past track record and knowing that their home-improvement skillz are way better than mine, I am pretty confident that things will turn out okay because, like in baseball, you have to wait for the good pitch and not just swing at everything you see. When I was telling people last year that they were crazy for bidding $50k over asking price, they would try to explain it to me...like I didn't understand real estate or something. Well, I understand that people who aren't on crack price things using a calculator and common sense, not your realtor's opinion, but what do I know? Or to use another analogy, you don't walk into a bar and start hitting on the first girl you see. You wait to see the one you want or wait until they are drunk enough that you become unbelievably handsome.

So I don't know what my point was with this, but I will try to post again about this (with charts and graphs) and explain it more detail when I am feeling extra geeky. I the mean time, just let me once again re-iterate who much I hate Home Depot. Everytime I swear I will never set foot there again, I do because it's way closer than Lowes or Harbor Freight, but this time I mean it...no, really!




*The agent had priced the house according to comparables on single lots in the area. If we had more time and money we would knock it down and build two houses for a lot more money, but I think it will be easier just to re-do the kitchen and turn the carport into another bedroom/bathroom to go from a 3 BR 1 BA to a 4BR 2BA, which should be worth a lot more.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Genocide is a Bitch, Man.

Okay, this will probably be anti-climatic, but if you remember here I talked about when I confronted those El Salvadorans that the Sudanese guy hired to make the pile of dirt in his yard bigger and block my driveway further (I think they encouraged the other illegal dumpers for free).

So after I confronted them, I took a picture of their license plate and one of them got up in my grill. And wanted to know why I took a picture of his truck plate. There is something you should know about me. I am probably one of the most calm people you will ever meet. At work, I'm the one that they always make the irate people talk to because I never lose my cool. But there are certain things (like dumping garbage in my alley) that set me off. Among the things that sets me off is when someone tries to intimidate me.



I'm only 5'8" and I weigh 155 lbs, but I am freakishly strong and I fight better than any derivatives lawyer in this town. I know that's like saying I'm the toughest kid on the chess team, but I am really pretty good at it...partly from growing up in Brooklyn, but mostly from fighting my older brother who is bigger and meaner than me (my brother was the victim of seven attempted muggings in NY, and only once did anyone get any money off of him). I never actually beat him. My record is 499 loses, 0 wins and 1 draw, but the process toughened me up. My brother now claims he was doing me a favor by ramming my face against furniture to practice WWF wrestling moves. Because now if someone on the street attempts to get me into a Figure Four Leg Lock, I'll know how to get out it. That's what passes for logic in my immediate family.



So here I am in flip-flops and shorts and a t-shirt in the middle of winter in front of 2 people in a dark alley and I did the dumbest thing imaginable. I put the camera in my back pocket and said "I took a picture of it because I'm going to turn it over to the cops...what are you gonna' do about it?" Then there was more yelling back-and-forth. I think since I wasn't in the least intimidated by them--and was half-nekkid--they thought I was a nut, and they might be right.


In between the yelling they communicated that they were working for the sudanese guy. I said "yeah?" then I ran up the stairs and started banging on the back door. The 6 sudanese guys living that room, who probably thought I was from immigration, turned off the lights and pretended not to be home. I kept banging and yelling until one of them opened the door and he claimed not to know who those guys were...and he said that none of them lived there; they were all just visiting a friend.

So I told the Salvadorans that I was gonna talk to the sudanese guy and if he didn't know who they were, I was calling the cops. And that was that.

I still haven't talked to the sudanese guy. I think I'll take the sage advice of others and just report them to the city. My latin machismo feels like this is the cowardly way to do it (I would like to just get up in his grill and tell him that if it's not out by next friday I'm coming to kick his ass) but that is probably the dumbest thing possible. As a libertarian, I also feel weird about narc'ing on someone. I think people should solve their own problems without government interference, but I don't think I can be rational with this guy, so I better let the city handle it.

I was talking to my neighbor about it and he said I should call the city too. I told him why I hesitated calling them before, you know, because of the genocide and everything. It went something like this:

Neighbor: yeah, you shoulda' called the city a long time ago.

Ninja: you're right. But the guy is sudanese...what if he survived genocide and I narc on him? That's not cool.

Neighbor: Yeah, genocide is a bitch, man...but so is garbage in your alley.

So here is the plan: this weekend I'm removing anything from my yard that would result in a fine to me, and I'm calling the city. This has gone on for a year, so enough is enough. I fill you in on what happens afterwards.

(by the way, the ninja pic is from www.askaninja.blogspot.com))

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Weather Gods

Well, I have been waiting for the weather to improve to finish connecting 3 radiators in my placee. Upstairs I need to re-connect one and downstairs I need to re-connect two. This will help the heating situation significantly since the thermostat is in the English Basement and it tends to get hotter in there (where all the radiators are connected) than in the rest of the house.

I put off re-connecting them because it's freakin' cold outside, and I need to turn the heat off all day, drain about 20 gallons of water out of the system, carry the water in buckets up the stairs to throw it out, then do some serious soldering on the radiators and hope that it doesn't leak.

This 3 day weekend would be a good time to do it. It was 60 degrees today. If it stays like this, it will be the perfect time to do it, but it's supposed to drop back into the 30s tomorrow. I hope the weather man in wrong. I don't want to disconnect everything, then figure out that something is wrong (or leaking) and be without heat for a few days while I figure it out. I work well under pressure, but not when I'm freezing to death.

In other news, throwing sawdust on my steps to keep the mailman from slipping on the ice looks like it was a bad idea. I mean, there is no dead mailman on my steps, which is arguably a good thing, but wet sawdust looks like cat puke on my stairs.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Upping the Ante

In an attempt to distance themselves from disgraced lobbyist/convicted felon Jack Abramhoff, prominent republicans have been going to extraordinary lengths.

Many lawmakers have donated his political contributions to charities,

Bush initially denied knowing him, then suppressed photos of himself with the criminal.

Some prominent Republicans have even introduced lobbying reform legislation to prove that they are no crooks.

Proving that he is more anti-corruption than the rest, Vice President Cheney recently shot a lobbyist in the face. That's right. He met one of the most powerful lobbyists in Texas and did what any upright american would do: he shot him in the face with a 12 gauge, then ducked the reporters and went into hiding to ummm, fight terrorism...and corruption. Ted Kennedy, eat your heart out.




"Never let it be said that I am soft on corruption" said Mr. Cheney.










In home-improvement related stuff. It snowed 10" in DC this weekend. I didn't want to shovel out my car and driveway to get some salt for the front of the fortress (because I am a lazy turd on the weekends). My metal stairs, however, are probably lethal to people who walk on them without a ninja's cat-like reflexes (like my mailman).

So what to do? I've seen old ladies use regular table salt in a pinch, but I don't have the cheap regular salt that old ladies use. I have the pretentious yuppie sea salt that costs like $12 for a little jar, so forget that idea.




Then I decided to use a bunch of the sawdust from my table saw in the basement. I threw it on my steps and I didn't see a dead mailman when I returned so I guess it worked. The wet sawdust looks kinda nasty, but It's biodegradable and it will probably blow away when it's dry, which will keep me from having to clean it up....sweeet.


(not my actual workshop...mine is a lot smaller and marginally cleaner, as far as you know).

Monday, February 13, 2006

More Ninja News: The Valentine Edition

Sometimes, as far as you know, people say to me: Ninja, why don't you make Ninja News a regular feature on your site, and have regular updates like once a something, man?

Here are my thoughts, reduced to word form:



  1. There isn't a whole lotta' ninja news, so a regular feature might be difficult (although nothing is impossible for a shadow warrior);
  2. "regularly scheduled" ninja news is almost an oxymoron. Ninja's are by nature unpredictable. So for the news to be authentic it must be completely unexpected (like a valentines post the day before Valentines day...didn't see that one comin' did ya?);
  3. don't tell me how to run my site, dude. Seriously. Criticising my website, my plumbing, or leaving 20 cubic yards of dirt in my driveway for a year will really upset me;
  4. don't end your sentences with "man"...unless english isn't your first language, in which case, I'll cut you some slack.



Without further ado...the latest Ninja News:



Well, I came across fellow Shinobi who runs a blog called Ask A Ninja. In it, you can ask shadow-warrior related questions (you can still email me with questions about drywall, marble saddles, hardwood flooring and Feng Shui). In this episode, he addresses the issues of Ninjas and dating.







If you’ll recall, the issue of Ninja’s and blind dating were discussed in a
previous issue of Ninja News. Keep an eye out for the forthcoming film on the subject by this Indy filmmaker.



Neither of these two shorts address the issue of whether ninja’s celebrate Valentines day. Let me answer that one: Unless you want your girlfriend to rip your nuts off and shove them down your throat before she rips out your spleen and feeds it to her two cats (one of which already hates you)…then, yes, we do celebrate it…with Tapas.

Friday, February 10, 2006

I Hate Genocide Too...but...

Ugggh. Here's the dilemma. I have this neighbor who is from the Sudan. Because of where he's from, I can't help thinking that this guy is some kinda' refugee whose survived famine and genocide and ended up buying a run-down house in a gentrifying neighborhood and proceeded to systematically make his house resemble the his former homeland (i.e. a shithole). Actually, the front of his house is very presentable. The back of his place, that shares a driveway with the ninja fortress is where I have an issue with this guy.


This is a pic of the back of the house. Look at the landing on the stairs. A nice stiff breeze could knock that down.













Here's some background:

He has a bunch of sudanese people living there (like 3 or 4 to a room). Half the sudanese population of DC lives there, except for him, of course. His house has a crawlspace, not an actual basement. So he hired some contractor to dig until the 30" crawspace is 8" deep so that he can turn it into an apartment and (and use it to exploit some more of his countrymen by over-charging them on rent and threating to deport them when they complain).

So the contractor blocked part of my driveway with a dumpster, which made it harder for my dump-truck guy to get into my yard to get rid of my debris, and hired a bunch of day laborers to do the digging. Now "underpinning", where you dig below a house's foundation is dangerous because if you do it wrong, the place can collapse and you don't have a house anymore.

Besides being very dangerous, it requires people who really, really know what they are doing. Somehow I doubt such people can be found in the parking lot of Home Depot.

Here's where the problem starts:

After taking out about 5 dumpsters full of dirt, there was a couple of months of no activity whatsoever. But the dumpster was still blocking part of my driveway. I can still get around it easily, which is why I have been patient...you know, because of the genocide and everything. I later found out that Sudanese guy wasn't paying the contractor, so he stopped coming back. Well what about his dumpster? Funny you should ask. Eventually he came to pick up his dumptster and dumped all the remaining dirt right in Sudanese guy's yard. It has sat like this for months.


Every time I drive by that pile of dirt I get more upset. It;s hard to tell from that pic, but the dirt is like 6 feet high and twenty feet long.








Here is what it looks like from another angle. If anyone has actually been to the Sudan, you can confirm that this is what the place looks like.







Because that a-hole has junk in his yard, other people come by in the middle of the night and throuw out other junk (like old furniture and bathtubs) instead of paying to take them to the dump.






I decided to be a little more patient since I heard that he hired a new contractor.

But the new "contractor" has been adding to the pile. I assumed that he would eventually bring in a dumpster and take it out, but I saw him taking some shower doors out from his truck (from another job, probably) and throwing it onto the pile. So now, I not only have to deal with his crap, but someone elses? I went outside in my flip flops and shorts (in the winter) and confronted these jokers. Their really lucky I didn't ninja-kick them back to El Salvador! (atucally, only one guy was from El Salvador, the other guy never said anything so I would probably ninja-kick him to New Jersey...a fate worse than death!).


[Okay, this post is getting too long...I'll post the rest of it in a day or two]

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Antithesis of Suck

I have unintentionally acquired a new hobby. No, it's not stamp collecting, Indian cooking, or poking people on the metro with a stick; it's loading my CDs onto my new iPod.



This may not seem like an actual hobby, but it takes up more time and mental energy than the above-mentioned hobbies. I got this beauty for my birthday. It was a gift from the Toolbelt Diva. This was really surprising because I was on Insensitive Boyfriend Probation ("IBP") at the time and was half-expecting a kick in the nuts on that day, but I have to admit that I enjoy this gift much more. IPods are awesome. They are the antithesis of suck.





Maybe not as much as I would enjoy one of these, but then again, where the hell would keep something like that? Actually, I am only half-kidding about that one. My sister-in-law was upset that I was more interested in pics of the cement mixer that my brother bought than I was in looking at pics of their kids. In my defense, everyone I know has kids, but how many people have really awesome construction equipment in their yard? I rest my case.


I mentioned before that I am borderline-retarded when it comes to all things technical. I can lay marble tile like RainMan plays blackjack, and talk about asset bubbles like Alan Greenspan, but ask me how to attach a file to an email and I'll call tech support and ask for help using phrases like "paper-clip box thingy" and "scrolly wheel in the middle of the mouse device". Although this is uderstandable at work, where I have a PC, my failings are made more obvious when I tell you that at home I have an iMac. Yes, I have trouble working it sometimes...but that doesn't make me a bad person.

When the Diva assured me that I didn't need to read the directions, install a CD driver thingy, play with FTPs or WMV, JPGs or MSGs, I found that hard to fathom. But I did literally just plug it in, and the iMac did the rest. It imported every song I had illegally downloaded onto my iTunes and whenever I add my kosherly purchased CDs, it automatically updates my iPod to add the new songs and playlists. I wish I had a secretary that was half as smart as my iPod. Actually, my secretary is half as smart as my iPod, so don't get me started.

I didn't realize how many CDs I had until now. The beauty of it is that sooooon, I will delete all the sucky songs from my playlists (you know, the ones that you hit the "skip" button all the time for) and I will be left with the most wicked awesome playlist in the entire universe. Something like that would pro'lly sell for $6-8 bucks on the open market. But I won't sell it to anyone. I'll just keep it and tell complete strangers how awesome my play list is and how they can't have it, no matter what...mostly because I'm selfish, but partly because I like to freak people out on the metro. You know...by poking them with a stick and stuff like that.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

How Much for Your Soul?

My boss paid me an unintended compliment. She saw some some pics of my marble bathroom (I show those pics around the office like most people show baby pics) and asked if I would do some work at her place...for money.

This is flattering, but not a good idea for several reasons:

  1. My house is only half-finished, so I shouldn't be taking time out from it to do side projects;
  2. I do home-improvement like I do law. No, that doesn't mean "incompetently". It means that I am a perfectionist and take my time to make sure everything is meticulously perfect. If I charged for home improvement by the hour it would be so expensive that it would be unjustifiable. If I charged what a contractor would charge, it would take me so long to do it, that when you figured out the hourly rate, it would be less than minimun wage;
  3. My boss has the ability to promote (or fire) me. When I unintentionally cause a flood at the ninja fortress, I can laugh about it afterwards, but I don't know if she will see the humor in such episodes;
  4. She lives in Bethesda, and the only place I am allowed to work on in Bethesda belongs to the Toolbelt Diva. Which reminds me, I need to take some pics of the "repairs" her ex did (with scotchtape!) before I fix them so that you readers can all tell her how much better skillz I have than her ex (you know, drywall skillz, nunchuck skillz, bow-hunting skillz).

Moreover, I enjoy home-improvement stuff because I do what I like when and how I like it. If I took money for it, I don't know if I would like it anymore. In fact, while I don't mind doing stuff for free for friends, the thought of taking money for it seems kind of odd. Especially, if you think about it in other contexts:

Boy: Hey, would you like to go on a date with me?

Girl: No thanks, I already have a boyfriend.

Boy: What if I pay you?

Girl: huh? What kinda girl do you think I am?

Boy: You know what kinda girl I think you are. I just wanna' know how much!

See...it's kinda weird, isn't it. Plus, if I took money for it, I think it would make me like a real contractor, which is not something I see myself as (I wasted too much money on all those degrees). Although my dad and grandpa (and a lot of my uncles) were contractors, and I have a lot of respect for it, my family didn't have the best of luck in that profession. My grandfather died on a construction site (in front of my dad), and my dad broke his back on a contsruction job (in front of me), and I almost died on a construction site. This would've been particularly tragic since I have no kids yet. I think it's pointless to die unless your passing can inflict irreparable trauma on one of your heirs. Sort of like a gift that keeps on giving. A kid can lose an inherited watch, but it will takes years of therapy to keep your gruesome death from haunting their memory. And if things are ever slow in the spirit realm you can always go visit and move furniture and make strange noises. You, know...because it's tradition. Ahhhhh, family...good times.

So basically, construction is really dangerous stuff. Statisically it's way more dangerous than being a doughnut-eating cop, which is only slightly more dangerous than being a baker...no, really, you can google it if you don't believe me. Plus doing construction is hard. And I'm used to sitting in an office all day. And not risking life-ending injuries.

Being a lawyer is not very dangerous. I guess divorce lawyers occassionally get shot by people they sue and criminal lawyers occassionally get killed by people they release from prison (in some sort of karmic justice), but being a derivatives lawyer is a pretty sweet gig. Besides the money, which is the best part, no one ever comes in with an AK-47 and guns down an office full of lawyers because they don't like the new revisions to the ISDA Master Agreement.

I think I enjoy my job. Although not as much as my friend, Viet-Mom, who told me yesterday that the only way she would ever leave her firm is if they carried her out...either in a pine box or a straight jacket. What devotion!

If I did ever decide not to be a lawyer, I don't think I would trade it for construction. I think maybe I would be a writer, a standup comedian, or maybe I would open up a restaurant. But not a big fancy one. I want the small intimate kind where I can throw people out if they don't like the way I cook the steak.

Waiter: Well, I took your steak back to the chef and told him you said it was undercooked. He wasn't too happy about it.

Customer: I don't care. I'm the customer, and I'm always right...right.

Waiter: Look...when I said he wasn't happy about it, I meant he went to his car to get his samurai sword to disembowel you with it. I think you better run away...now.

Mmmmmmmmm.....steak!!!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

More Ninja News: Film at 11

Okay, I mentioned before that on the odd occassion where there is ninja-related news, even if not related to home improvement, it would be discussed here because the shadow warriors' exploits would not be denied on any site where I have editorial control. If you remember that news article Here about that ninja being evicted from his apartment and fighting the cops (guns vs sword), maybe you have wondered what it would be like to rent a place with a ninja? Well wonder no more. Apparently somebody read that article and maybe wondered enough to make a short film about it. It takes a while to download, but the effort is definitely worth it. I give you: A Ninja Pays Half My Rent.


A Ninja Pays Half My Rent


Of course, the benefits of living with a ninja are:
  1. quiet;
  2. pays rent on time with money from ninja-related activities;
  3. can get in through window if you have lost your key.

The downside is that he is a master of the shadow arts and assassination, so you might want to find out who he likes in the superbowl before you start disparaging the opposing team (some ninjas are really devoted to their hometeams).



and here is a fat kid ninja-dancing to techno music. This is probably not newsworthy, but fat-kids ninja-dancing will always have a special place in my heart and on my website.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bad Mojo

As if I didn't have enough problems...I find out that I have bad Feng Shui.

I wathced a feng shui video over the weekend and found out that the shape of my rowhouse is bad Feng Shui. I watched the video for the same reason that you get a physical or get tested for a venereal disease. Not because you think something is wrong, but because you want someone to confirm that everything is okay. But my setup is seriously bad mojo. Almost every rowhouse in the district has the same set up (door on the extreme right or left side of the front of the house). I guess that's why this city is so messed up. If that weren't bad enough, having my stairs in front of my doorway is also bad feng shui. My good chi energy can go down the stairs and escape out the door, apparently.



This isn't really my house, but my hallway/door set up is eerily similar. Man, you can just feel the good chi leaking out of there, can't you?





Here is an, ummm, artist's representation of what happens when chi (which is invisible) travels down stairs and out the door. Not good! I need all the good chi I can get.







My bedroom is also at the end of a long hallway, which directs the bad chi straight to my room. I need to deflect that bad chi by placing a windchime in front of my door. You might think having a windchime indoors, where there is no wind, is ridiculous, but then again you've probably never been hit in the face with some chi, my friend.




This is scary. A long narrow hallway is like a bad-chi tunnel directing bad mojo RIGHT at my bedroom. What were these architects thinking in 1910?






My bed is directly facing the door. That means the chi hits me right in the face when I'm laying there and makes it hard for me to sleep. Well, actually I usually have the opposite problem--staying awake--but who the hell wants to get hit in the face with some chi? I can fix that one, but now I gotta move the TV and worry about glare from the window. I don't know what's worse, having bad Feng Shui or not being able to watch Sqwuak Box on CNBC before I go to work.

Here is what I mean about my bed. My bed is set up like example number one. I got that bad chi travelling down the long chi tunnel and hitting me head on. Freakin' chi, man!







My bathroom is also in the upper left corner of the house (which governs prosperity), so my money/prosperity chi could be flushed down the toilet (literally) if I don't counteract it with a crystal or a plant. I think a crystal would be better. My friend Shamus McIrish is visiting next week from outta' town and if I got a plant there he might poop on it as a practical joke. But even the Irish know that it's bad luck to poop on a crystal.