Friday, March 21, 2008

Strange Days

I haven't been myself lately. I've been busy...very busy, and a little edgy lately. Last week I almost got into a fist-fight at 3 am with a drunk. I am usually pretty laid back (partly it's zen, and partly it's that I don't give a sh1t), but something just set me off. I came back from a club and it was late, but I still had to walk the dog so that he doesn't pee on my floor and then act like he has no idea how that puddle got there. I was still in my club clothes and walking the dog, when we passed the drunk. Since my dog is so cute, lots of people stop to pet him while we are walking...and because of that he's gotten used to going up to people and looking for affection in a a non-threatening way. So when he walked up and sniffed the drunk, the guy flipped out and started cursing at me. I think we've discussed before how one of the only things that sets me off is when someone bigger than me tries to physically intimidate me. Well, let's add "people who mess with my dog" to the list.

Drunk: what the fcuk is wrong with your dog, man!

Me: You know what's wrong with him...he didn't know you were an asshole, that's what's wrong with him. What's your problem?

drunk: if he comes near me again, I'm gonna' kick him!

Me: yeah? you're gonna kick him? well, he's right there motherf****, why don't you kick him right now and see what I fcuking do to you!

This went on for about a full minute, and people started turning their house lights and someone threatend to call the cops. At that point I walked away with a "yeah, have another drink you fcuking wino!" I probably shouldn't have said that. Obviously he had already had plently and the last thing he needed that night was an enabler.

Afterwards, I realized how stupid that was. The guy was bigger than me, but size doesn't really matter. I've gotten my ass kicked by people half his size.* I was thinking about taclking the guy and doing a neck crank (which you should only do to people you reaaaally dislike) but what I should've been thinking about was the consequences. What if the guy had a knife? What if his friends from the bar (no one drinks alone) saw us fighting and decided to "provide technical assistance"? What if I got arrested...and disbarred? What if I got injured? What if he got injured and sued me and he ended up owning the fortress (a blessing or a curse?)?

The funny thing is that the only reason I didn't tackle the guy is that I was wearing my leather jacket that I bought in San Fransisco and some other overpriced clothing that I got in Miami. So sometimes I guess it pays to be a metrosexual.

Anyway, like I said, I haven't been myself lately. Yesterday I was walking the dog and I was so zoned out that I didn't recognize a friend of mine who was standing 10 feet away and waving at me. I'm going to Florida for a few days to recharge my batteries, and after that I'll be back to my old self again. But in the meantime, I'll probably take a break from blogging for a couple of weeks to catch up on some personal stuff in my life. See you soon :)

*this isn't true. The last time I fought someone smaller than me was in the fifth grade. I don't want to fight people smaller than me because you should never fight a midget unless it's on pay-per-view.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I was off yesterday and I went to Ikea for the last things I needed to finish my kitchen. It's not as loathesome a place during the week. On the weekend there's always thousands of people there and every single one of them is in my way. But if you go during work hours, the silence is deafening.

When I bought the kitchen cabinets from them several months ago, they supposedly sold me everything I needed for them. But it turned out that I was missing one door for one of the cabinets. And it's been driving me crazy ever since. OCD much? I also had to buy knobs for the cabinet. My friend chastised me for picking the most boring ones (basically, just a pull knob). But although I liked the funky ones she picked out, I decided to play it safe because my ultimate goal is to sell the fortress so I'm not looking for the decor to wow someone in particular, but rather to not offend anyone at all.

I installed the door, but I still haven't put the knobs on...weekend project?

In other news, my friend (and also one of the commenters) expressed doubt at my ability to lose 20 lbs in 20 days. Here's my plan for it:

  1. Work out with weights (or grappling) 6 days a week;
  2. cardio 3 times a week;
  3. decrease caloric intake by cutting out all food that tastes good and replacing it with stuff that tastes like crap (i.e. fresh fruits and vegetables).

I was 171.3 lbs when I posted the last time, and I weighed myself at the gym at lunch today and I am now 167.4 pounds. Now, I'm no mathematician, but if I keep going at this rate, not only will I be able to cut 20 pounds in 20 days, within a few months I will weigh less than nothing and will therefore be lighter than air, which will give me the ability to fly.

I will probably stop at 20 lbs, however.* If I learned to fly, that would be too much like a superpower, and I am sure there would be societal pressure for me to quit my job and use my powers to fight crime and uphold truth and justice, which pays next to nothing...unless you're crooked.

*I intend to lose about 12-15 pounds during these 20 days and drop the last 8 pounds in one day by doing furious cardio while wearing several layers of clothes and by not drinking or eating anything during the last 24 hours.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Free Plug Fridays

Although this is St. Patricks Day weekend, you don't need to wear a green t-shirt and make a drunken ass out of yourself with all the rest of the aging frat boys trying to re-live their college days. ("you don't know, man, it was willlld, my boyz can DRINK, man, you don't know, you have no idea how fcuked up we used to get every weekend"). So I'm going to give you some other things to do with your time which are less damaging to your liver and your self-respect.

On Saturday morning, you can come to Chateau Animeaux in capitol hill from 12-2pm and adopt a dog. Unless you don't like dogs, in which case you are probably a serial killer, so you'll probably be staying home and figuring out ways to get rid of all the dead hookers you've got lying around.

All day Saturday is the Copa Nova jiu jitsu tournament, featuring gi and no-gi events. I won't be competing at this one* but if you tell them you are a friend of mine, you get a free choke or leg lock applied to you. I may be competing at an event next month, so if you want to come out for that one, I'll choke you in person. Admission for spectators is only $10. You can't even eat an entree in DC for that price.

Saturday night, you can see Grammy Award winning blues legend Pinetop Perkins playing at the Spanish Ballroom in Glen Echo. Pinetop is close to 1000 years old, so if you get a chance to see him, you should do it while he's still alive. People's musical ability declines significantly after they die.

Also on Saturday, there is the Indulge party at Art Whino for artist Ted Kliman. Tickets are $20 in advance or $25 at the door. Stick it to "the man" by coming out and supporting emerging artists. Your inner hipster will never forgive you if you don't.

There's probably stuff to do on Friday and Sunday too, but if you're reading this blog then you are smart enough to figure out a way to have fun on those days too.

*in order to shame myself into preparing properly for next month's event, I will confess that I am not going to this one because I've been too lazy to cut weight. I am at the bottom of the 170-185 lb weight class (don't even think of calling me fat...this all muscle...what? what?) By next month, I hope to be at the top end of the 140-155 lb weight class and I will dominate. 20 pounds in 20 days!!! Mad skillz!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Blog Thoughts...the spinoff

I've been thinking about starting another blog. Not like the stock picking blog, which nobody reads, but a secret blog that nobody reads. I was talking to my sister the other day and it turns out she found out about my cyber outlet for life's frustrations. At first I tried to deny it.

Sis: [cousin] told me about your blog. It's hysterical.

Me: I don't know what you're talking about...I don't have a blog...Maybe you're imagining it...

Sis: No I'm not, I'm looking at it right now.

Me: Maybe it's someone else's blog.

Sis: Then why are there pictures of me on there?

Me: Maybe it's a stalker? You should probably lock your windows.

I don't like the idea of family reading my blog for several reasons. If I say something bad about someone (usually my brother) it might eventually get back to him and he'll want to discuss it with me. My brother isn't big on verbal communication and words usually just make him confused and angry, so historically our "dicussions" have been fist fights. Well..."fight" might be a stretch since most of my childhood is riddled with memories of me minding my own business and him attacking me mercilessly because cable TV hadn't been invented yet and you get bored of 3 channels after a while.

Additionally, the more people that know about my blog, the less I can make fun of them. Case in point:

Sis: Why did you say I was a terrible cook?

Me: Because it's true...

Sis: NO IT'S NOT!!!

Me: Look it's nothing to be ashamed of. We can't all be good at everything. For instance, Mom is a terrible cook but she excels at raising dysfunctional children. And you are a terrible cook, but you're really good at making good looking babies. We play the hand we get.

Anyway, I'm probably just venting. Having two blogs is probably like trying to make love to two women at the same time. It sounds good in theory, but one of them will end up getting all your attention and the other one will end up jealous and you will end up with a veneral disease and blame yourself because of the residual catholic guilt.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Irony, thy name is Spitzer

What's happening to Elliot Spitzer is ironic. He prosecuted money launderers and prostitution rings, and he gets caught because of suspicious bank transfers which leads authorities to his whore mongering. To make matters worse, Spitzer signed a law that increased the penalty for sleeping with hookers from 3 months, to one year in prison.

Unlike Alanis Morissette, I can use the word ironic in a sentence. She wrote a whole song about irony, but the only thing ironic about it was that nothing in the song was ironic. Anyway, Alanis, if you are reading this, irony is what is happenning to Elliot Spitzer. If you are facing jail time for violating a law that you created...that's ironic.


Accordian Music Mashup sung to "Love Client Number 9"

The Odd Couple: Elliot Spitzer and Jim McGreevey.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Geeks pour one out for their homie

I saw on the news that Gary Gygax died yesterday. If you don't know who that is, it's probably because you were getting laid in high school. Gary Gygax is the guy who created Dungeons and Dragons. You see, before the internets were created, there was no such thing as World of Warcraft and movies like Harry Potter. Special effects were so rudimetary that film studios had to rely on cheap gimmicks like plots, story lines and full frontal nudity in order to get you to buy tickets to their movies. If you had nothing to do on a Saturday night and wanted to pretend that you were some wizard or warrior, instead of jumping on your computer you had to use your imagination (and some Dungeons and Dragons Rulebooks). I can't stress how big the death of Gygax is to geeks. It's like their Gandhi died.

I stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons when I was a sophomore in High School (right around the time I saw my first vagina). But I was surprised to read that Gygax still played Dungeons and Dragons weekly until his death. I guess some people have things that they never grow out of.

Speaking of things you never grow out of. I discovered Anime when I was 7 years old. I used to rush home from school to watch StarBlazers (and so that my brother wouldn't kick my ass in the school yard). My friend who works in the Japanese Embassy invited me to a private reception tonight with sushi and lots of japanese art, including Anime. There will even be some stuff by Takashi Murakami and Shigero Mizuki. Eat your heart out Geeks!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Almost famous

A nice article about the opening of Target tomorrow in my ghetto...errr, neighborhood. On saturday, I was interviewed by Channel 9 news about the development by the metro, and I was on TV at 6 and 11. I told a few people I know about it, but I didn't tape it with my old school TiVo (i.e. my VCR) because, honestly, I only have a couple of VCR tapes (I'm not a caveman, afterall), and I didn't want to tape over the UFC fights that I hadn't watched yet.

It was a weird experience. I was out walking the world's coolest dog and listening to my iPod when this heavy set guy with a giant smile comes up and starts asking me questions about the Target store. The first thing I thought was "I'm not gay, and even if I was, I am SO out of your league that it's not even funny, slim." After a couple of questions, he said "can you say the same thing on camera?" and motioned for the camera guy to come over. Then he asked me the same questions, and I gave the same responses, word for word, while my dog sniffed the camera guy's leg and crotch area.

After the question and answer session, they petted my dog (everyone pets my dog because he's so cool) and I went on about my business. Being on TV doesn't phase me in the least. I'll just add it to my screen credits: I was also on Jim Cramer's Mad Money last year, but I didn't bother to tape that either. And I was an extra on a Chris Rock Movie, Head of State (the worst job I've EVER had) and was inadvertently in Sabrina the Teenage Witch Goes to Rome (long story).

And because I never get tired of posting pics of Benny, here he is again.

You can call me "McLovin".