Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bad Mojo

As if I didn't have enough problems...I find out that I have bad Feng Shui.

I wathced a feng shui video over the weekend and found out that the shape of my rowhouse is bad Feng Shui. I watched the video for the same reason that you get a physical or get tested for a venereal disease. Not because you think something is wrong, but because you want someone to confirm that everything is okay. But my setup is seriously bad mojo. Almost every rowhouse in the district has the same set up (door on the extreme right or left side of the front of the house). I guess that's why this city is so messed up. If that weren't bad enough, having my stairs in front of my doorway is also bad feng shui. My good chi energy can go down the stairs and escape out the door, apparently.



This isn't really my house, but my hallway/door set up is eerily similar. Man, you can just feel the good chi leaking out of there, can't you?





Here is an, ummm, artist's representation of what happens when chi (which is invisible) travels down stairs and out the door. Not good! I need all the good chi I can get.







My bedroom is also at the end of a long hallway, which directs the bad chi straight to my room. I need to deflect that bad chi by placing a windchime in front of my door. You might think having a windchime indoors, where there is no wind, is ridiculous, but then again you've probably never been hit in the face with some chi, my friend.




This is scary. A long narrow hallway is like a bad-chi tunnel directing bad mojo RIGHT at my bedroom. What were these architects thinking in 1910?






My bed is directly facing the door. That means the chi hits me right in the face when I'm laying there and makes it hard for me to sleep. Well, actually I usually have the opposite problem--staying awake--but who the hell wants to get hit in the face with some chi? I can fix that one, but now I gotta move the TV and worry about glare from the window. I don't know what's worse, having bad Feng Shui or not being able to watch Sqwuak Box on CNBC before I go to work.

Here is what I mean about my bed. My bed is set up like example number one. I got that bad chi travelling down the long chi tunnel and hitting me head on. Freakin' chi, man!







My bathroom is also in the upper left corner of the house (which governs prosperity), so my money/prosperity chi could be flushed down the toilet (literally) if I don't counteract it with a crystal or a plant. I think a crystal would be better. My friend Shamus McIrish is visiting next week from outta' town and if I got a plant there he might poop on it as a practical joke. But even the Irish know that it's bad luck to poop on a crystal.

13 comments:

Sandra Dee said...

Didn't you hear? Pooping on plants creates bad chi. When will you learn?! :)

Patricia W said...

Can you get a chi-catcher?

I'm not so sure about feng shui, either a house feels good or it doesn't. Are you happy in your house? Maybe there is an in-draft and the chi actually is sucked into your house and not leaking out....

Monica said...

A friend of mine described chi as a short attention span child that is fascinated with sparkly stuff.

Gary said...

Dude,
I think your fascination with Japanese culture is catching up with you. Go get yourself an Amercan style burger and leave the chi(s) at home!

Kristin said...

Cute post. :) I haven't read much about feng shui, but I agree with Patricia that certain arrangements just *feel* wrong. I've always hated having my bed directly facing a door ... it weirds me out somehow. Maybe it's that bad chi flying in my face.

RoarSavage said...

OK, so I'm kinda into the feng shui/chi thing. You're not limited to windchimes and crystals: you have mirrors and running water, too. Put a mirror on the inside of your front door, or the outside of your bedroom door, and it will deflect the chi. Also, the #2 bed position is the right one, right? (Cuz that's what I have, lol). You should start reading about colors and feng shui-- it's all very fascinating.

derek said...

I worked in an architecture office, where we designed all our building Feng Shui. I find it really annoying, some of the stuff has a practicality to it, most of it is just superstition. I think it's chinese, so maybe ninja's don't have to worry about it?

As always... Rachael said...

How have you survived this long?!! Looks like you found out about the problem just in time!

Siryn said...

why the hell doesn't bad chi go out the door, and good chi toward your bedroom? feh.

A Unique Alias said...

I read your post on Chi and Feng Shui today.

My favorite part was watching the good chi go down the stairs and our your front door.

My least favorite part was getting hit square in the nose with bad chi. Not fun!

C&C said...

Oh, my God! Bad chi is pounding me too! I really don't think your typical well-to-do Victorian was that worried about chi though.

Right now, all the bad chi are having an orgy at our house. But that's OK, as long as they don't get any fluids on the new 42" plasma HDTV.

-chris

HomeImprovementNinja said...

thanks for all the comments. To answer the questions, I don't realllly buy into that Feng SHui stuff, but I think a lot of it, like de-cluttering and opening up a room do help the feel/flow of a room.

I think I wanted to believe the feng shui because I wanted to blame something (besides myself) for the bad home-improvement luck I have been having at this place.

So it's either bad Feng Shui or evil monkeys who fvcked up the plumbing.

C&C said...

you said evil monkeys. ;)

-chris