Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Comparing and Contrasting

South Florida is like DC in many ways. And I don't mean that literally. Sure, the weather here is warm year round and if you were searching for an adjective to describe it, you would come up with something like "awesome" or "kick ass" or "warm". But there are some key differences.

People my age or younger: Most of Florida, especially Miami, is really, really good looking. Someone once described DC to me as "Hollywood for Ugly People", and the description fits. Just like Hollywood, DC is full of name-dropping people who think they are more important than their $24k a year job would suggest. The only difference is that in DC people think they are important because they get coffee for Senator Shinebox instead of Steven Spielberg. I don't think anyone here has an excuse for not having a hot girlfriend (unless you are a toothless redneck, in which case you can date your sister). Walking around the mall here feels like you are in an Ambercrombie catalog. A really slutty Ambercrombie catalog.

The malls in DC, by contrast, could easily pass for the waiting room at a battered women's shelter. Also, people in Florida work out...a lot. Although I don't have a six pack, you can see my abs if my shirt is off and you are looking for them. You don't have to use your imagination (much). But here, people are really in shape. They are not all soft and doughy like in Washington. At the South Beach clubs I would be the guy that the personal trainers handed their cards to and said things like "no, really, I want to help you....you NEED help."

People older than me:

DC is full of mostly younger (ugly) people. They usually work for a few years here and then go back to wherever they are from and tell people how important they were. If someone lives in DC and they are in their 50s or older, they are probably someone important. Here, most of the old people are really, really old. They look like they would feel at home having dinner with the Crypt Keeper or John McCain.

Drivers: Most of the people in Florida are terrible drivers. I think it's because there are so many old people who have lived full and rewarding lives and are not afraid of ending it all (either that or they don't want to miss the early bird special at the restaurant and are willing to kill you with their giant car to make sure that doesn't happen). DC has some truly horrible drivers...we call them Taxis. But there aren't a lot of taxis down here, so I guess it evens out.

Gotta go do some Xmass shopping. Happy Holidays, All!!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Thoughts from a warmer place.

Palm Beach Florida is like the rest of Florida, except older...a lot older. There's a reason that some people (i.e. me) refer to this place as death's waiting room. As I left this morning for the airport (at 7 am!!!) , I almost slipped and fell on the rainy, icy stairs, so it's nice to be running around now with a t-shirt on. Still, my family is enough to drive anyone nuts, and I have several more days of this ahead. I've already taken numerous aspirin because my family is hard to take one at a time, but in a group, they are positively migraine inducing.

I don't know why no one ever bothered to tell any of my thousands of neices and nephews the difference between your inside voice and your outside voice, but there you go. I managed to line up a couple of private lessons at a local jiu jitsu school, because it will be time away from my family, and getting choked and having my arm twisted by a complete stranger is more fun than listening to my nephews fight to the death over control of the XBox.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

No Cake for Hitler

Firstable, I don't know who names their kid "Adolf Hitler". It's hard enough making it through gradeschool without the kids finding some reason to pick on you, so you shouldn't make it easy. If this kid was born with a name like Ralph, I would feel sorry for him, but Adolf Hitler? Really? That's practically child abuse. I hope you can take a punch, kid, because you're in for a rough ride. You will not have fond memories of the playground...nuff said.

Now they are in the news because (I guess) they are upset that a store wouldn't sell them a cake that said Adolph Hitler on it. The only thing that makes this story funny instead of sad, is that the white trash parents of this kid are trying to convince the reporter that just because they named their kid Adolph Hitler, they aren't racists. Oh really? Is that why you wear a nazi soldier's WWII boots and named your other kid "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell "? While you're at it, why don't you tell me about how I can make money by buying foreclosed homes with no money down?


Pics from the family home

Monday, December 15, 2008


It seems like just last week that I got back from Florida (probably because it was last week). But I have to back again for Christmas with the family.

Things I am looking forward to:

1) food: The food is way better and there is way more if it than when I cook.
2) Neices and Nephews: I only get to florida about twice a year, while my brother and sister are there year round. That means that it's that much harder for me to remain the favorite uncle year after year, but I will succeed again this year. Whether that means intenrionally losing at Halo to my nephew (who's 4 years old and doesn't have fine motor skillz yet) or driving my neice to the mall so she can buy the latest "music" CD by Hannah Montana, I will do it. My need to win, knows no bounds!
3) warm weather: my people come from places with lots of sunshine. So being in Florida is soothing for me. It's like the sun re-charges my batteries. Also, I look better (i.e. sexier) when I am tanned.
4) No work: Being in florida means I am not at work...nuff said.

Things I am not Looking forward to:

1) Family Drama: It's good that I am kinda far away because I don't get involved in the family drama that goes on year round (but I do get to hear about it during the holidays). It's not the same drama every year (that would get boring) but it is new drama every year that's just as bad (like watching a soap opera where the people are not as good looking, related to you, and less rational).

2) airports: These suck no matter what, but during the holidays they REALLY suck. I hope the terrorists don't blow up my plane because (a) I don't want to die, and (b) I REALLY don't want to spend my last moments on earth in an airplane eating stale peanuts.

3) Weight gain: I've been going to the gym a lot lately and I'm probably 5 lbs away from having six-pack abs again. This will be a set back. Still, the food is good and stress eating is better than an ulcer.

4) old people: Florida is full of them, and they can't drive. They are in every store holding up the checkout lines while they look for their checkbook because it's too much trouble to carry a $10 bill to pay for that quart of milk. And for some reason, they LOOoooooove Costco.

I still have time to pack (or change my mind) but my tickets are purchased and I'm busy doing online shopping so my gifts will be there when I arrive (which will keep me from having to go to the malls unless absolutely necessary).

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Free Plug Friday

Because it's Friday and I don't feel like being creative for your amusement, I will use the power of the internet and garner and focus the power of my tens of readers and support a friend with our latest edition of free plug friday (TM). (YEs, I am really trademarking that, so if you want to use it, that's fine, but pay me for it...you can pay me whatever you think is fair, unless you are cheap, in which case you should pay me more).

Anyway, my friend Matt Sesow, a well-known DC artist whose work you should look at, is having an open studio at his place in Adams Morgan on Saturday Dec 13 from noon to 6. You can get the details HERE. Have fun guys. See you there (unless I'm still hungover from the night before).

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Back from Key West

I just flew in from Key West and boy are my arms tired. HAHAHA!!! Okay, maybe that's not funny. And you know what else is not funny? Coming home to a house where the temperature is 44 degrees farenheit.

Before I left for my trip (future recap post coming) I replaced my old fashioned thermostat with a new fancy schmancy digital programable thermostat. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to program it and the operating instructions are more complicated than the user's manual for the Space Shuttle. Soooo...I was going to be gone for a while and it wasn't so cold when I left, I just turned the heat off. Needless to say, it was reallly cold when I got back. I'm lucky the pipes didn't freeze, but man, was it cold last night. I turned the heat on when I got inside, but it takes way to long for the house to warm up from 44 degrees to a temperature where I don't have to wear a coat, hat and gloves to watch TV.

Also, this is completely unrelated to anything in this post, but I checked Sitemeter and found out that someone came upon my little corner of the interweb by doing the coolest google search yet: "Shit Stuck in My Router Yo". I have no idea what that means, but apparently my site is number one on the entire internet for that search term. Suck it, yo!!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Where's My Bailout?

The "Big 3" US auto makers (who are the business equivalent of your neighbor's heroin junkie brother in law) got turned down when they flew to Washington in their private jets and asked for $25 Billion so they can keep making cars that nobody wants. So they did the logical thing, they went home and came back asking for $34 Billion. Wow. Just. Wow.

I think I'm going to walk into my bosses' office right now and ask for a 20% raise. If he doesn't give it to me, I'll come back in a few days and ask for a 35% raise, because that's how the world works, right?

Before anyone brings up the topic of the Wall Street Bailout, let me say this:

1). There's a chance we might get some of that Wall Street money back. Does anyone in their right mind think we will get one dime of this Detroit Auto money back?

2). Banks are necessary because EVERYONE, including auto companies, need banks to do business. No one NEEDS General Motors (especially when you can buy a US made Honda or Toyota).

3). GM's problems (expensive labor contracts, too many dealers, too many car brands) can't be fixed by giving them money, they can be fixed with bankruptcy reorganization though.

GM spends almost a billion dollars a year on it's "Job Bank". If you don't know what that is, it's where the laid off union employees go for eight hours a day and do crossword puzzles while collecting their full salary. Some of them have been there for over a decade. And we, the taxpayers, are supposed to pay for that to continue? Eff you!!!


You Tell 'Em Ron Paul

Monday, December 01, 2008

Ahhh the Holidays

I'm looking forward to a little mini vacation in Key West with the girlfriend, but soon after I'll have to return to Florida and spend some time with the family for Christmas. Since I've discovered internet shopping, it's now a lot easier just to order stuff online, have it shipped directly there and not worrying about last minute Christmas presents or lugging lots of toys in my luggage. That takes care of the logistics of present shopping, but I still have to spend about 10 whole days with my family, which is pretty stressful. I'm sure, like many things, they are harmless in small doses, but can be really painful if you experience more than trace amounts of it.

Since the recession took effect, I've noticed that the price of gas is cheap again. It's nice pay less than $2 a gallon again for gas, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather pay more for gas if I could have all the money I lost in the stock market and the housing collapse back again.

You know what else is cheap now? Everything! I saw a flatscreen 40" TV at Best Buy yesterday for $800. I remember a couple of years ago they were $4000. The last thing I need is an excuse to watch more TV, but that puppy would look sweet in my living room, with me on the couch drinking a beer and eating some kind of greasy fried food with barbeque sauce.

Thanksgiving was nice and uneventful. Despite my eating everything that wasn't nailed down, I managed to finish the weekend without passing the 170 pound mark. (although I did wait until after I pooped to weigh myself).