Friday, April 07, 2006

Arlington Parking Nazis

Alright, so last week was pretty crappy as far as weeks go. If there was a crapitude scale, it would register pretty high as far as I'm concerned. Things are looking better though so I can finally talk about it without a profanity-laced tirade. There will be some profanity on here, because we're talking about parking nazis, so you might want to take the kiddies out the room for this post.

They say bad things come in 3s.

Incident 1) So the crapfest started on Monday. I was stressed out with the house renovations so I wanted to de-stress by going out and forgetting about the ninja fortress. The weight of the renovations is wearing on me and I reaaaaaallly needed a break. I went to Arlington for some salsa and got a friggin' parking ticket. My car registration sticker hadn't arrived from the Rainmen working the DC DMV so the Arlington Parking Nazis gave me a ticket for having a registration sticker that expired two days before. Two Days = $40. Fuckin' Nazis! Plus, the ticket says that if you want to contest the ticket and they decide that you still owe it, it's another $10. Arlington Fuckin'Parking Nazis, man! Then...the sticker comes in the mail on Friday. So the Nazis in Arlington give me a ticket because they morons in DC didn't mail me my registration on time. Bureaucartic oversight or government conspiracy? I'm just sayin...

Everyone is talking about how idiotic DC is for deploying cops to touristy areas to give out jaywalking tickets instead of sending them to high-crime areas to catch people who shoot people in the face. Now, there are no people in Arlington who shoot people in the face--Arlington is pretty BradyBunch-ish but I'm sure the broke-dick members of Arlington's Finest could find a real criminal if they really tried. But nooooo, while real crimes are being committed by sociopaths, they're out giving law-abiding people like me parking tickets. Perhaps he hasn't heard of me and didn't know about my recent victory over totalarian cops. Or perhaps he doesn't read my blog and doesn't realize that someone up there likes me and that I'm on the side of the angels.

No matter, Arlington Cops are barely even real cops. Unlike real cops in places like NY, LA and Chicago who deal with actual criminals, Arlington cops are overpaid, underworked nobodys in a DC suburb who have nothing better to do than to take out their frustations over a wasted career on unsuspecting motorists. Outside one of the most powerfull cities in the world, where history is being made everyday, these guys are the meter maids.

Well, you know what, traffic cop, nazi? You probably can't manage an erection with your wife and she, like the wife of every traffic cop, fantasizes about makin' it with a derivatives lawyer. What do you think of that, bitch?

Incident 2) I'm trying not be one of those blogs that talks about everything. This won't be a blog about what I had for breakfast or what happened on American Idol. There's plenty of blogs that talk about stuff like that so if that's what you're looking for, there's plenty of places for that, and most of them suck. This blog is about my home repairs, random libertarian rants, and ninja news...period. Therefore, crappy incident number 2 will not be discussed, but it is crappy...and it's not related to American Idol.

Incident 3) So around tuesday/wednesday I was thinking. It comes in 3s, what's next? I'm waitin' for the last shoe to drop and I get a call that my nephew is in the hospital. Appendicitis. Crap! At least it's one of those organs that you don't even need. So I call the kid and tell him that I'm gettin' him somethin' nice. I ask him what he wants and he says "Cash". What a capitalist! Gotta' love that kid. I tell the kid that cash ain't happenin'and to tell me something he wants he says

Nephew: How about a car?

Ninja: What? No'll kill someone. How about a gun? Guns are cool!

Nephew: Don't guns kill people?

Ninja: What are you, a communist or something?

So if anyone has ideas on what to get a kid that just got his appendix out, let me know. Ideally, it should be something a teenager likes that will piss his parents off.

Anyway, I've been pretty pissed off all week, but things started turning around. I hit the Lottery on Friday...I won $4. That's 1/3 of a pomegranate martini at a DC hipster bar, but more importantly, it's a sign that good luck is coming. Then, something related to Incident Number 2) happened on Saturday. Again, I won't go into it, but I'm pretty happy about it. Not happy enough to stop hating nazis or anything, but pretty happy nonetheless. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Parking Nazi!


Anonymous said...

What about giving the kid a jar and some alcohol/ethanol for him to keep his appendix around?

Also, what was incident #2 again? ;)

John said...

It must be something in the air. The last two weeks have sucked.

Gary said...

Why don't you give him your parking ticket?

Stef said...

I agree on the general suckitude of the last 2 weeks. For your sake, I hope there aren't any Arlington cops in your readership, cuz they may be gunning for you!

Get the nephew an iPod? Or some loud, screechy, violent video game?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

gui, that sounds like something I would do. I think they may have thrown it away already though.

john, yeah, I've heard from a few people about recent suckitude. Maybe things were awesome this past couple of weeks in an alternate universe.

gary, I would but I don't think he'd pay it. That cheap little bastard!

stef, I was gonna post a pic of the ticket, but avoided it for that reason. I don't want those bastards to try to oppress me any more than they oppress everyone else.

And the iPod is a good suggestion, thanks. The kid already has a meelyun violent video games though.

Anonymous said...

How about getting him a guitar, those seem to piss the parents off.

As for incident #2, if its not American Idol, then perhaps Survivor?

Hope next week is better for ya.

Anonymous said...

Get him a labret and a gift certificate to a body piercing salon.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Jeff, a guitar is a good idea, but only if it's electric...and loud.

Tex, I don't know what that is, but my work's firewall blocked it out, so whatever it is, he's not getting one.