Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The evil fortune teller...and the evil smoothie woman

Last weekend, I went to the Adams Morgan Day festival with my dog who hates all other dogs (and isn't afraid of voicing her hatred) and the girl I'm dating. For those of you who don't live in DC, Adams Morgan is to DC as Greenwhich Village is NYC. Well, it's like Greenwhich Village, except smaller and lamer, but with less hipsters and more low lifes.

It was hot and tiring, but it was the only thing semi-exciting to do on a Sunday afternoon except for catching up on Netflix. Sort of like choosing between making love to your wife of 30 years or searching for random stuff on YouTube.

The day was uneventful, and the food was bland. It ended with a near confrontation between me and the moron selling fruit smoothies because she didn't want to give me a cup of ice water for the dog. It's 90 degrees out, I just bought two smoothies from you, and my dog is dying but you don't want to give me a cup of water? I hope there's a special place in hell for people like you--you bitter, petty, miserable woman.

As we were leaving the festival, I noticed a "psychic" offerring readings for $5. Normally, I don't trust gypsies, since I've been to europe and had my pocket almost picked twice by them, but I figured it would be good fun. One reason I don't trust "psychics" is that whenever I see one, like the one in Adams Morgan, I never see anyone going in, and the sign is offerring readings for $5. Since rent in downtown DC is expensive, and they don't have any customers, it's questionable how they can stay in business charging only $5. I figured there must be a way that they screw you, like telling you someone put a curse on you and them offerring to take it off for an extra fee. Or maybe they just pick your pocket...they are gypsies, after all.

So there were three gypsies there. The youngest, who was attractive, her mother, who was not, and the grandmother, who looked like the crypt keeper. She even had the ubiquitous gypsy mole on her face with the hair growing out of it (not making any of this up or exaggerating in any way). This is reason number 50 why you should never marry a gypsy--bad aging genes.

So scam started before we even sat down. Five dollars only entitles you to two yes/no questions; if you want a palm reading, it's $15 for one palm and $25 for two, and if you want a tarot card reading it's $40. So from $5 - $40 in less than 15 seconds...that's quicker than a porsche.

So she proceeded to do a "cold reading" on my hottie. "You will live to be 85 and have a wonderful life!...Watch for a happy surprise next week!" Blah, blah blah. I could hardly contain my laughter for two reasons.

1) I doubt anyone's palm is so detailed that you can pick out something as precise as what's going to happen next week;

2) I know how to read palms and tarot cards, so I knew she was full of sh1t.

I learned from my black-sheep uncle who ran away from home when he was 15 and lived with gypsies for while while, who taught him how to do it (and how to cheat at cards and pick pockets). He taught me to read palms and tarot cards, how to tell if cards were marked in a poker game and how to avoid pick pockets...and to not trust "psychics".

I usually don't tell people I know how to read palms and do tarot, because inevitably, they will shove their palm in my face and ask me to read it. If I met an auto mechanic at a party, I wouldn't pop the hood of my car and expect him to look at it and tell me if it's working right.
After we got home, we talked about the high-pressure upselling gypsies. I had read her palm before (because I like her) and she confirmed that I'm a better psychic than the old woman, I even dusted off my old tarot cards and did a quick reading, which I'm sure was also better than theirs...and free too.
I'm curious about whether anyone else has ever been to a "psychic" and what was your experience like.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mo' Money...

I got a quote to fix the "issue" with the bricks in the basement (i.e. that they have no mortar and a few are sticking out). The price was $3200, which includes filling in and parging (sp?) 3/8" thick cement over about 250 square feet of bricks to even it out, and pulling out loose bricks and putting them back in.

It would be nice to sleep nights without worrying if my house will fall down on top of me and kill me, but $3200? I'd rather get kicked in the nuts than pay that much money to someone who isn't a high-class call girl. Once the wall's done, I can start working on the basement...but $3200? Does that sound like a fair price for what's being done? Do you think I can negotiate it down? Maybe if I let him kick me in the nuts, he'll do it for $2000? Or a good shin kick for $2500?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Surfer Dude is a Super Dud

I saw the world's worst "comedy" movie last night, Surfer Dude. It was so bad, that I had to go home and look on IMDB just to make sure that it was a comedy. Prior to this, the two worst "comedies" I have ever seen were Lightning Jack and SpaceBalls. I laughed twice during Lightning Jack and once during SpaceBalls. I didn't laugh even once during Surfer Dude. Spaceballs was made after Mel Brooks stopped being funny, whereas Matthew McConaughey was never funny. Why do people keep putting this a55hat in movies? The only thing funny about him is the way you spell his last name.

So why did I go see it? Well...the awesome girl I'm dating keeps winning free tickets to movie openings. That's because I date winners, and if I'm not dating you, I'm not saying you are a loser, just that I've been busy and haven't gotten around to you yet. Last night night she won tickets to see a preview screening of the new Nicholas Sparks movie, Nights in Rodanthe. Afterwards there was to be a Q&A session with Sparks. I don't usually watch movies like The Notebook or Nights in Rodanthe because I don't have ovaries, but this was free and it was a date movie. Well, the line was huge, the lonely desperate women were lined up 3 deep to see this movie. I was the only guy in line, none of the other girls who are into Nicholas Sparks was attractive enough to get a date. It looked like a party for that sorority that focusses on academics rather than looks.

So, it turns out that because the producers wanted a full house for the screening, they gave away more tickets than there were seats. Rather than leave sulking like those sad, lonely women who gave up a night with their cats to see Nicholas Sparks, we snuck into another movie...Surfer Dude.

I took the liberty (because it's my blog) of looking on Rotten Tomatoes to see if I was the only person who hated this movie. This is the only movie I've ever seen on Rotten Tomatoes that got ZERO good reviews. One person said "Yes, this is a movie made by stoners for stoners." Well it's worse than that, because that insults good stoner movies like Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and Half-baked. Another called it "a hapless, laughless movie" and someone else nailed it with " a shapeless slog with virtually no tale to chase. "

It turns out that the female lead in this movie is the girl from Love, Actually. The one with the brother in the mental hospital who doesn't get laid in the entire movie. Well, she plays an uptight NY executive working on a surfing reality TV show and...get the end of the movie, she undergoes a wardrobe and attitude change and has sex with Matthew McConaghey (sp?) and adopts the laid back LA lifestyle and forgets about the NY corporate world. Cliche much?

The only reason, well, women and gay men, will go see this movie is because McConahey (sp?) doesn't have his shirt on in the entire movie. There are some gratuitous boob shots in the pool party scenes, but nearly enough to make this movie worthwhile.

Matthew McConahgjeyaly: Grade: F! You suck, your name sucks, and you suck at surfing.

Nicholas Sparks: Grade: D! You suck, but I'm sure after the premier you didn't sleep alone. With a room full of lonely, desperate women you must've gotten lucky, but instead of trolling the bars you made them come to you. So you get a break because I wish I was smart enough to come up with that idea.

AMC Lowe's Georgetown: Grade C- You are not metro accessible, but you can get discount parking if you validate your ticket. Also, your popcorn, while overpriced, was good and very buttery/salty.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Thanks for concern about me beeing shot. I don't know if I'm paranoid, but I think the pellet is still in my arm. I'm reluctant to take a day off work and go to the doctor just for that, but what happens if I leave it in there? Lead poisoning? Mental retardation? Voting republican?

In other news, I had a foundation guy come in and look at the bulging wall in my basement. He said the bricks didn't need to be pulled out and re-stacked, and is supposed to send me an estimate on how much it will be to repoint all the bricks that are missing mortar, take out and put back in the ones that are sticking out a bit and cover the whole thing up with parging (sp?), which is basically cement that I can just leave as is, or cover with drywall eventually.

The stairs that got warped will probably have to be replaced too, but I think I'll hire someone for that too. I am through taking on big projects. I'm still waiting for an estimate, but hopefully it won't be too bad.

I've been busy lately. Besides crying over Fannie and Freddie being nationalized by the Communists (I own stock in both companies), I have been really busy with non-work stuff. As for work...there may be some changes soon, but I won't say anything about it because I don't want to jinx it.

Friday, September 05, 2008

that time I got shot with a BB gun...

I haven't posted the follow up because I've been too lazy, to upload the picture. I like to think of it as being busy, but I'm sure catching up on Flight of the Conchords on DVD doesn't qualify me as a mover and a shaker in the corporate world. Donald Trump is not looking over his shoulder and worrying about me, which is fine by me. When my lotto tickets hit, he won't even see it coming.

So...the story. I was out with my lady friend salsa dancing and we came back around 3am. I changed out of my free beer shirt* and we went to walk the dog around the block. Have I mentioned that I live in what people in Bethesda would consider "the hood"? I know they say my neighborhood is "up and coming" but I really wish it would hurry up and get there already; wherever that is.

So around the corner from the ninja fortress, I hear a pop and feel what feels like a bee sting and notice I am bleeding. I didn't see where the shot was coming from, but I was pissed off. I heard more pops so I knew they were still shooting and I didn't want the girl or the dog to get injured so I walked them home. My first thought was to get my samurai sword (yes, I have one...don't ask), and look for who did this and teach them a lesson, but I figured I should call the DC cops (who suck) because I'm sure if I go there and cut someone's head off, then everyone will think *I'M* the asshole. So we call the cops and the patrol car gets there pretty quickly and the cops proceed to ask me idiotic questions:

Cop: Why were you walking your dog at 3:30 in the morning?

Ninja: Because she had to go to the bathroom.

Cop: aren't you afraid of walking around at this time of night?

Ninja: Not really...I know a little jiu jitsu.

Cop: How do you know you were shot by a bb gun? How do you know
they didn't just throw a rock at you?

Ninja: Because i'm bleeding...from this hole in my arm that's the size of a's right behind the hole in my shirt that's the size of a bb...I don't remember the last time someone threw a rock at me, but I'm sure it doesn't look like this.

Long story short, we had to wait 2 hours for a detective to arrive. we went around the corner and I showed her where the incident happened. She also asked how I knew it was a bb gun and I described the popping sound.

Detective: Like that popping sound?

Ninja: Yes.

Detective: it
sounds like it's coming from that streetlamp. Maybe it wasn't a bb gun?

Ninja: or...maybe they are still shooting at us...right now.

Yes, these morons were two police cars. Then the cops spied a bunch of drunk kids on a nearby porch and went over and found the BB gun and cuffed the one who was trying to hide it. Since they didn't see who shot at us, what do you think they did?

a) arrested everybody and let them spend the night in jail until they turn on the shooter
b) beat the kid to within an inch of his life
c) let everyone go and confiscated their bb gun.

The correct answer is c). Yes, because that will solve the problem since I'm sure you can't buy another gun on eBay for $20. I may have the last laugh though. I got a good look at a couple of those guys and if I see one of them walking by himself I'm gonna tackle him to the ground and break his arms.

The next morning I find out that my date's car was broken into. They messed with one of the locks and broke a window trying to get in before the alarm scared them off.

I'm not sure if the BB fell out and I wasn't about to sit in an emergency room for 6 hours, so I just went home. And people wonder why I think DC cops suck. A couple of days ago I was walking towards the metro to get a bite to eat and I notice that a street was closed off. Apparently someone was shot a couple of blocks from my house. I wonder if they arrested that guy or just took away his gun?

Me with the free beer shirt and a hottie.

Me with the bullet hole.

*there is a story behind the free beer shirt, but the short version of it is that a gay guy bought me a beer once because he liked my shirt...well, that and because he was cruising for deviant sex.