Thursday, February 19, 2009

The New First Lady

As we were watching the news, I saw Michelle Obama on the TV talking to a bunch of kids in the White House. I turned to the GF and said this verbatim:

"You know....unlike Lara Bush, whenever I see the new first lady on TV I don't want to punch her in the face."

I know it's just a photo op, but whenever I would see Lara Bush talking to a bunch of kids (and reminding us for the thousandth time about how she used to be a librarian), it looks really phoney and manipulative. Like Hitler sending out Eva Braun to drum up popular support.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

5 questions Meme: Disaffected Scanner Jockey Edition

1. What inspired you to start blogging?

I think I started reading some house blogs and relating to the headaches the people were going through and I thought "I could do that" and decided to start writing stuff down and taking pictures of it. After I started slacking with the home improvements, I filled in the slack with random crap about ninjas, libertarian rants and my dysfunctional family (which is surprisingly popular).

2. If you could be any blogger for just one day, who would it be?

Probably John McCain's daughter. That way I could find me, do myself, and when I switched back to myself, I could tell everyone that I banged McCain's daughter in the ole turd cutter. I wish I could say I would switch with someone else, but most bloggers have pretty sucky lives. Except for Dan, who now lives in Miami, which is the opposite of suck.

3. What do you think is the most attractive quality in a woman? The least?

Well, technically, that's two questions, but who's counting...except for me? Well, the most attractive physical quality in a woman is her face. Specifically, her eyes. I think, except for the va-jay-jay, breasts, buttocks, legs, flat stomach and lower back, it's the most attractive part of a woman. The least attractive would be the feet obvioulsy. The most attractive non-physical quality (besides her bank account? Hi Paris Hilton!) would be someone who is nurturing and kind (especially to animals or little kids). If you date a girl who is not kind to puppies and babies, how do you know she won't eat your young? I think the least attractive quality is dishonesty. I wouldn't buy something from someone who I thought was dishonest, why would I want to date one?

4. You once mentioned that your wang is bigger than Jack Nicholson's. Can you think of any celebrities who might, in fact, have a
larger wang than yours?

Yes. Believe it or not I have thought about this before.  As you recall, I peed next to Jack Nicholson once, so that's how I know I have bigger junk than him. (you would peek too if you peed next to a celebrity, no matter how socially inappropriate/gay that sounds).  Anyway, here are some celebs who probably have bigger wangs than me: 

Tommy Lee . And this isn't conjecture, it's a fact. I've seen the Pamela Anderson video and that guy is hung like two cans of coke stacked on top of each other. I would never want to be with someone he was with because what's the point? It would be like having sex with a warm glass of water. And also, you would get hepatitis....allegedly.

I think the guy who does the voices of Brian and Mr. Pewtershmitt on Family Guy (Seth McFarlane) probably has a bigger wang than me because his voice is so deep. I know that having a deep voice usually means you have big balls, not necessarily a big wang, but his voice is so deep that I find it hard to believe that his nuts could be that huge without the rest of his junk being correspondingly big.  Also, Jack Nicholson has a deep voice and my voice is deeper than his, so I don't know why I think Seth would have a bigger wang than me, but I just do. 

Michael Clarke Duncan

Also, I think Michael Clark Duncan has a big one. Not because he's black, but because he's also got a really deep voice...and he's like 12 feet tall...and because he's black.

5. What is your biggest personality flaw?

I think I procrastinate too much. In some ways, this blog wouldn't exist if I did what I supposed to be doing instead of dickking around on the internet. But in other ways, this blog keeps me honest because (sometimes) if I say it on here, I feel like I have to follow through with it and blog about it. But truthfully, even if this blog didn't exist, I would probably fill up the void with other internet sites promising get-rich quick schemes, LOL Cats, and p0rn.

The rules:
1. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure to link back to the original post.
2. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
3. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Friday, February 06, 2009

House Updates

In hindsight, opening the door of the van blocking my driveway so that the light would go on and kill his battery was not the greatest idea since the van was now disabled and sat in my driveway for an additional couple of days. If you're wondering why I just don't have it towed--that would make sense in any city besides DC. In DC, you can't just tow someone who is blocking your driveway (because that would make sense). Here's how you have to do it:

1) call the lazy DC police department NUMEROUS TIMES and get them to come give the guy a ticket.
2) tell the lazy DC police department SPECIFICALLY that you don't just want a ticket, but a "tow request" also.
3) then you can call a tow truck and have it towed from your driveway.

Anyway, I felt kind of bad that I killed the guys battery, so instead of leaving dog poop in his driver's seat, I just called the cops (several times) and had them give him a ticket for being in my driveway with a dead battery (I'm too nice, I know this).

In other news, mice have once again invaded the ninja fortress. I set up traps for them and killed six (apparently it was a small crack squad of mice). I haven't seen any in about a week and the last couple of mice were really small (babies actually) so I think I killed them all. I have a 100 pair box of rubber proctologist gloves that I use to get rid of the dead mice because I have a "thing" about germs. When my girlfriend first spied the box, she eyed me suspisciously and eventually mocked me mercilessly, but who's laughing now?

Anyway, throwing away mousetraps is gross enough when there is a dead mouse on it, but it's really, really revolting when the snap thing comes down on it's face instead of the neck and there is gross micey blood everywhere. (excuse me while I vomit in my mouth a little bit).

At any rate, unless these mice have gotten smarter, they are dead. I will give it another weak and then put away the traps until I spot the next mouse that's dumb enough to invade my ninja outpost.