Saturday, July 29, 2006

Comcast Still Sux...and Ninja Stock Picks Update

I think I did something pretty stupid the other day. In addition to cancelling my high-speed internet (which doesn’t work!), I cancelled my cable too. Now, I hate Comcast as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy really, really hates Comcast), but now I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea. I mean, heroin addicts don’t just erase their dealer’s phone number from their speed dial. It’s reckless and impulsive.

In theory, this will give me time to finish up all those home improvement projects I have been putting off. I can catch up my reading, go to the gym more, and even find some type of cure for some obscure form of cancer. I know that sounds like of things, but I really do watch too much cable, so I would (theoretically) be able to do all that plus find time for other hobbies (like knitting, if I was gay).

I have Netflix , but that’s not even gonna take up 10% of my former TV time. Crap!

This new Ninja might be good for you readers though, because I could (theoretically) devote more time to Ninja Stock Picks. ™

Here’s how the S&P 500 index did in the last month and half since I made my picks.

Date S&P 500
July 27, 2006 $1263.19
June 12,2006 $1,236.40

Percentage gain 2%

So, if you had had invested some money in the S&P Index last month instead of my Ninja Stock Picks ™, you would now be 2% richer. If you had followed the Ninja Picks, here’s how you would have done:

EMBARQ CORP (EQ) up 10.96%

MAaaaaaaaad Skilllllllllz!!!

Actually, I bought into Smith and Wesson at 7.55, but I broke my own rule and bought more chasing it all the way up to 8.72, so the average is 8.15, which still made money, and which I think is a good long-term investment.

By the way, if you search for “Embarq Invest” on Google, my blog ranks higher than Forbes. So suck it, Forbes! The people of the net have spoken and they know where they should come for the wisdom of the ancient ninja scrolls.

News on Embarq. I predicted a price of $70, assuming no loss of subscribers. The analysts were predicting a big loss of subscribers and gave it an estimated price of $46-49. Well, the quarterly numbers came out and they didn’t lose as many subscribers as predicted, and they blew away all the earnings estimates. I crunched the numbers again and got nothing but confusion. BUT. Assuming the correct price is somewhere between $49 (massive losses of customer revenue) to $70 (no losses of customer revenue), I think this puppy still has a ways to climb. Jus’ sayin’.

Here are the consensus estimates for the stock price (per Yahoo Finance).

Mean Target: 48.71
Median Target: 47.00
High Target: 55.00
Low Target: 43.00
No. of Brokers: 7

And THIS article from Forbes says that Morgan Stanley thinks the stock price is cheap right now. If you'll remember, I recommended this stock before Bear Stearns and Morgan Stanley, so SUCK IT, WALL STREET. You got owned by the Ninja!!!

Also, I really like a company I found on Investor Geeks called Advanced Environmental Recycling Technologies (AERT). I bought some for myself, but I’m not recommending it in Ninja Stock picks because Ninja Picks will only be the ones that I find and recommend.

Now, since the stocks I recommended have already gone up some, you may want to wait for the next Ninja Stock Pick, dealing with FOOD and BREASTS (scheduled for September, unless I find something else sooner).

Hmmm, Coming next Week an

1) A ninja plumbing post
2) Houston Update
3) Two posts in a week is plenty, don’t push it!

Friday, July 28, 2006

A Carport by Any Other Name

Okay, so as promised, here is an actual home improvement project. First some background. If you remember back to the Florida Trip Parts 1, 2 and 3, you’ll remember that my Dad, brother and I decided to buy a couple of houses in Florida, fix them up and flip them. This was one of them.

This was a 2BR one bath house with a carport. The plan is to close off the carport and turn it into a 3BR house (with one or two baths). Step one would be to close off the side with cinderblocks. Since carports don’t add any value to a house, but an extra bedroom does, this should make us some money, which I can plow into my ninja stock picks, and make some really obscene amounts of cash, which I can then use to raise an army and conquer the world. Well, not the whole world, only the parts that don’t suck. Anyway, here’s how you close off a carport with cinderblocks (assuming you are awesome).

Step One: Drilling

First you have to drill some holes in the existing concrete and stick some re-bar rods in the concrete. This will tie the new cinderblocks to the existing structure and keep the structure from collapsing in a hurricane and having the family of the dead people sue you.

Step B: Start by sticking the rebar in the walls and in the wall every couple of rows. Like this.

Before we go further, I’ll be the first to admit that my brother is stronger than me. Doing this type of work requires moving around a bunch of 90lb bags of cement and cinderblocks. He can carry two bags at a time with the same ease that most people can carry around some pillows or their dry cleaning. He tosses cinderblocks around like they are loaves of bread. I, on the other hand, AM capable of lifting huge bags of cement, but not without making noises that you might confuse with childbirth. Since I am aware of that obvious fact, it need not be mentioned. But with each painful grunt that I utter I hear my brother making comments like “fcuking pussy” or “pathetic.” If my brother wasn’t the kind of person who fights off gun wielding muggers (yes, he’s done that…twice) I would seriously consider kicking his ass. Or maybe hitting him with something while he’s asleep, then running like hell.

Anyway, for this project we hired a day laborer to help us out since the work is heavy, my dad is in his sixties, and I am, apparently, a fcuking pussy. He had a huge mustache, so I assumed he was Guatemalan, but this guy was actually Pakistani. I found this out when I tried to ask him something in Spanish and he looked at me the way I look at someone when he asks me a question about implied volatility in an option pricing model. Yeah, that look.

Brother: He don’t speak Spanish, jackass.

Ninja: What kind of Guatemalan doesn’t speak Spanish.

Brother: He’s Pakistani.

Ninja: Pakistani? How do you know he’s not Al Qaeeda? I don’t want to give this guy money, have him buy a bomb and blow up Washington, and have me die from a bomb that I paid for. That would be fcuked up.

[at this point my brother decides to interrogate him
with Pidgin English]

Brother: [to Pakistani guy] Hey….my friend…Osama?
You Osama Bin Laden?

Pakistani: Me? No…No Osama Bin Laden.

Brother: [to me]. He says he’s good.

Soooooo........ moving on.

You need to drill into the ground too every couple of feet or less. Add the rebar, then fill in the holes with cement.

You only need to fill the rebar holes with cement. You don’t need to fill all the holes in the cinderblock with cement unless you are building a second story on top of it.

After you get to the top (which you might have to finish with those half-cinder blocks), then you start the stucco over the cinder blocks so that it matches with the existing stucco/cement wall.

This is what it looks like when you start Stucco-ing. A word of advice: The cement companies are making the Stucco crappier every year. Nowadays it’s mostly sand. So throw a shovel or two of Portland cement in the stucco mix so that it sticks to the wall better.

See, that guy looks Guatemalean. Jus' Sayin'

This is what it looks like when you get higher. See, use the rebar rods every couple of rows to tie it into the structure. Don’t skimp on this. Rebar only costs a dollar a piece, but paying damages for a dead person who’s house collapsed on them is really expensive. Even if the person was really old or unemployed.

Fill rebar holes with cement. Like this.

l This is what the finished wall should look like. Then you paint it and you're almost done.

Because this part of Florida has very sandy soil, closing off the front of the carport requires that you dig down 18" and pour concrete footers that deep. Then the building inspector looks at it, and (hopefully) approves it. We got permits to make all this legit (and to keep from bieng sued if someone dies on us) but scheduling that stuff and going down to city hall takes a lot of time.

We didn't have time to do the front before I left, but I asked them to take pics of closing off the front so I can show you imaginary people. I'd like a pic of the building inspector taking a bribe (they all do it) but I don't he'd be up for it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

DC Cops News...Libertarian Rant

Whenever anyone thinks I am exaggerating about how idiotic, corrupt and ineffective the DC police are, I never have to wait too long to find a story to email them. I'll be the first to admit that in some cities (like NYC) the police are professional, Hard working and actually catch people and arrest them when they do things like kill, rob and rape people. Then there are the cops in DC. Comparing a NYC cop to a DC cop is like comparing .357 Magnum to a water pistol. It's like comparing a dog as a pet to a fish. I’ll ignore the obvious story about the guy in Georgetown who had his throat slit by a bunch of animals while they attempted to rape his female companion. The tragedy was completely preventable since the DC police had the alleged criminal’s address beforehand. Someone who he had apparently mugged before got a call from their credit card company about someone using the stolen credit card and having things delivered to their house. Although the mugging victim told police that he/she would be able to identify the mugger, the cops never got off their asses to go down there and arrest him. Apparently they were too busy collecting overtime…which brings us to News Item Number two:

Seems that no matter how few criminals you catch, the DC police department can net you a lot of money. “One 40-year veteran police officer, last year worked 2,192 hours of overtime, the equivalent of 6 hours of overtime a day, 365 days a year, according to an Examiner review published Monday. “

So he worked overtime on Christmas and New Years? I don’t buy it. Somehow I don’t think anyone can “work” that many hours, even if “work” consists of sitting in Dunkin’ Doughnuts and stuffing your fat face.

“[cop in question] earned $149,000 just from the extra work. “ This plus his $100,000+ base salary gets him $250,000+ a year. That’s right folks. A donut eating DC cop gets paid as much as the vice president and more than most lawyers in DC. Tell me again about the Police Union is out to help the rank and file police officers.

I think I’m in the wrong business. If I can sit around eating donuts and pull in a quarter million dollars a year, why don’t I join the DC police force? I think all I need is a gun and a lobotomy.

Friday, July 21, 2006

A Tale of Two Nickels.

I’ve been bothering a friend of mine for several weeks about my nickel. Now, you might be thinking “I know there’s a recession, ninjaman, but bugging your friend for weeks over a nickel? Cheapass!” Or you could be thinking “I don’t think the Starbucks baristas like me”. Or possibly “Is it laundry day again? I thought I had at least one more pair of underwear.” But anyway, the reason I want THAT particular nickel back is because it’s my lucky nickel.

Answer to your next Question: Yes, I do have a lucky nickel.

Answer to your follow up Question: Yes, I really am that weird.

My lucky nickel looks a lot like this, except mine has powerful Indian Mojo comin' out of it.

So, right about the time I lent my nickel out to a friend who needed it’s powerful mojo [to go to court for something very important, that we're not going to mention on here] After she gave me back the nickel, her cable went out. Her cable operator: COMCAST. Coincidence? Or Powerful Indian Nickel Mojo, you be the judge.

Now, in case you’re wondering, my friend didn’t win. She was there by herself, without a lawyer, so, naturally, the DC legal system railroaded her. Now you might be wondering if the Nickel’s mojo is so powerful, why didn’t it work in court. I don’t know. The nickel has an Indian on the front and we all know that our red skinned friends didn’t have much luck before the courts either. Jus’ sayin’. It may be useful in gambling though, gotta try it out at an Indian casino. Me and chief Illiniweck versus the laws of mathematical probability. It’s on, math fools!

In other news, the return of the nickel did not fix my computer, but I was able to send pics from my phone directly to my secret computer lab, so I’ll have an actual home improvement post in a couple of days. In this one, I’m working with cinderblocks and rebar and doing all kinds of manly stuff that only someone with mad skillz can do.

Also, we’ll make fun of my brother some more because he made fun of me for not being able to toss bags of cement around like they are pillows. Since I’m a few thousand miles away now, it’s safe to mock him mercilessly without getting the crap beat out of me.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fight Blog Oppression

So this week has been shaping up to be pretty bad so far.

Sucky thing Number One:
A fellow blogger, La Petite Anglaise, was fired from her job for blogging. She’s a good writer and I was actually considering starting a new link on the side of my blog called “mad writing skillz” for people like her and Betty on the Beach (who stopped blogging). But I’m too lazy and my HTML skillz are weak.

Anyway, La Petite Anlgaise (that’s French for “The Petite Anglaise”) had her boss discover her blog and she was fired. This sux especially badly because she is a single mom (and after seeing her pic, she is officially a MILF).

So anyway, I was thinking that if the thousands of people who read her blog and the tens of people who read mine would contribute to her using the PayPal button on her site, that would be a good thing. What do you say, bloggers? Unite and fight the man! Stand up for the right for your right to blog! Strike a blow for freedom…and against the oppressive British companies exploiting single moms in France. Wow, that sounds evil doesn’t it?

Sucky Thing Number Two:

The girl from Rocket Boom was fired/forced out (allegedly) by the asshole (allegedly) who runs the site. I admit I don’t watch Rocket Boom that often, but the chick seemed nice and was genuinely interesting (and not just because she is a hottie). I would offer her my legal services, but given how many of my former clients are in federal prison, I don’t think I would be doing her a favor.

Sucky Thing Number Three:

Although most of my Ninja Stock Picks are doing pretty well, one of them (Smith and Wesson, my largest holding) has been getting pummeled the past few days. I lost almost $1000 on it just today. Ughhh…that’s a lot of beer money to lose in one day. I like this and was buying more as it went up. It took a dive and bought even more because…it’s on sale. But the pain continued. I think I figured out why it went down today, which makes me feel better because I still think I and my faithful readers will make a lot of this one. It’s switching it’s listing from the AMEX to the Nasdaq on Friday so the market makers on AMEX are selling their positions. It should pick up again on Friday (hopefully). I’m debating whether to take some money from my bank and buy even more of this, but it’s already my biggest position. Hmmmm.

It’s fun to pick stocks theoretically, but when I start to lose my own money, it really sux…big time. Anyway, this one of my speculative bets. The other investments that I made based on fundamentals and Benjamin Graham’s teachings, Embarq (+4% in a month) and AHM (+8% in a month) are doing well. So suck it, critics!

And don't forget that next month we'll have a very special Ninja Stock Pick that is based on FOOD and BREASTS!.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

As long as my parachute opens...

Alright, so Israel is fighting with Hezbollah and I am really pissed off. Hezbollah?…Who even knew that was a country? I bet you’re wondering what I’m pissed off about. I’m not pissed that the Israelis are fighting the Hezzbolians….err, Hezbollites? Whatever. They could kill each other from here to Sunday for all I care. What I’m upset about is what it’s doing to the financial markets. Why is the price of oil (and soon gas) shooting up? I’m positive there is no oil in Israel and pretty sure there is no oil in Hezzbollah. Actually, I’m not all that sure about the second part since that country is so small that I can’t even find it on a map.

And it’s freakin’ killing the stock market lately. STOP! STOP NOW!!! Recently I added a new feature to my blog, Ninja Stock Picks, so that I could brag about yet another or my skillz and along comes a stupid war and threatens to mess that up.

What if this fighting escalates and engulfs the whole middle east, maybe the whole world? I’m sure I’ll get people gloating in emails if one of my stocks goes down after a tactical nuclear strike that kills millions. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that after a tactical nuclear strike it would be a good time to invest and scoop up some bargains. I’m one step ahead of you, my dear readers. But there’s only a couple of problems with that:

1) I’m already almost fully invested;
2) Some of the dead people might be my readers and then they couldn’t see how awesome my picks are and they wouldn’t be rejoicing at how rich I made them…because they would be dead.

Keep some money available for investing people. Next month I may have the best Ninja Stock Pick to date. I won’t tell you what it is, but involves two areas that I know a lot about and love: FOOD and BREASTS. I won’t mention the stock now because I’m still performing the fundamental analysis of this stock (which involves me eating food and staring at breasts on the street). But if all goes well, I’ll recommend this stock next month and you’ll see why you can’t possibly lose money by investing in food and breasts. It’s genius, I tell you!!!

In other news. THis week I'll havean actual home improvement post (with pics!). Desptie my Internet troubles , I figured out how to take pics with my phone and email them to myself.

Also, I'll have a Houston Update, and an internet update.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Rite of Passage.

Well, I’m going to add to my list of mad skillz. It turns out that I have so many of them that sometimes I don’t even know that I have them until I test myself and find out. In that way, mad skillz are like Chlamydia. They exhibit no symptoms until tested.

Next week I’ll talk about my newly acquired skillz with concrete cinder blocks and stucco, but this week we’ll be talking about my toy crane skillz.

You see, it’s like this: In ye olde days there were certain rites of passage that separated the men of the tribe from the boys. Sometimes you would go into the woods and kill a bear with a sharpened stick to complete your passage into manhood, other times you might be required to circumcise yourself using only coconut shards. If those primitive tribes had poseessed modern technology, they would separate those worthy of joining the hunting party from the girly men with the ultimate test of manhood—the toy crane.

I know that some people (i.e. people who are not real men) think that the toy crane is rigged and that it’s impossible to get a stuffed animal or ugly baseball hat no matter how many times you play it. Laydeez, have you ever been out on a date and suspected that the guy with you wasn’t a real man because he couldn’t work the toy crane, but convinced yourself that he might be datable, only to later discover that he is just as incompetent with the female control panel as his is with the esoteric and capricious toy crane. See, ladies and gentlemen, the toy crane is the alpha and the omega of manhood. It is the method by which real manhood is based.

I know that some people think that the real measure of a man is how kind and giving he is to others…excuse me, I don’t mean to laugh at people who think that. Other people think that manhood is determined by the size of a man’s, errrr, manhood; how much money he makes or how fast a car he drives (usually, the smaller the manhood, the faster the car).

But I am here to tell you that it’s not. Ladies, the only two ways to tell if you are dating a real man is by his ability to lay hardwood flooring and his ability to work the toy crane.



Friday, July 14, 2006

News Update: Comsast Still Sux.

Well, still no internet. While waiting for the guy on Monday I really seriously considered cancelling everything Comcast offers (including my cable) out of spite if they couldn’t fix it. I decided to watch a full day’s worth of cable programming to see if there is anything on there worth paying for. Here’s what I saw…

Maury: This show is actually pretty interesting. I think it picked up the lower socio-economic demographic when Jerry Springer cancelled his show. This show dealt with paternity and DNA tests. That’s the best idea that cable programming ever came up with. An idea so good, in fact, that it’s also used by Montel, Sally Jesse, Jerry Springer and every one else in the talk show business. Having a cable show without teens who don’t know who their Babby Daddy is, is like having a convenience store that doesn’t sell overpriced milk and white bread. Normally I think I could do without these type of shows, but this was a doozy. Up first was a rednecky white girl who had been on a couple of previous shows for DNA tests. The previous 3 men tested turned out NOT to be the father, so she was eager for this one to turn out to be the father because he was a really nice guy and she was tired of coming back to Maury and having people think she’s a slut. Well, suitor number 4 is NOT the father. [cue the tears and her running off stage]. I forget what her name was, but let’s just call her “Amber Lynn” because she looks like an Amber Lynn (I have a rare gift of being able to tell people what they look like their names are. “You don’t look like a Maria, are you sure you’re not a Svetlana?”)

Then when I thought it couldn’t get any better, up next on Maury was Sholanda (her real name). What I like about Maury is the diversity. It’s like a ghetto Bennetton ad. You have redneck white teens and ghetto black teens who can come on and commiserate with each other about how hard it is to find your Baby Daddy. (you can also have multicultural stage full of promiscuous teens or drug addicts who steal from their parents…quality TV). At the high end of society we have the President meeting with Tony Blair and Jaques Chirac and maybe Zhang Ze Min, and on the lower end we have rednecks who can share the stage with the Sholandas of the world. Unity is possible, people. We’re not all that different it turns out. Sholanda could relate to what Amber Lynn was going through. Sholanda had been on the show 9 times and had 10 men tested and none of them was the father. Apparently, Sholanda is not the type of girl who gives up easily (which is surprising, given how easy it seems to be to get her into her pants) and she decides that she is SURE that number 11 is the father. Querry: if she’s so sure that he’s the father, why didn’t she test him first? Well, it was no surprise to me, but number 11 is NOT the father. [cue the crying and running off stage]. Maury vows that he will help her keep testing everyone that she had sex with and keep her coming back, hopefully during sweeps week, because he really wants to help her find out who is the father. He also assures that he is not laughing at her…no really, he’s not. He just thought of a funny joke that had nothing to do with her sleeping with at least a dozen men and not knowing who the father of her baby is. That’s what he was laughing at…not her plight. What? No…sorry, the joke just slipped his mind so he can’t tell you what it was about.

Judge Judy: I hate this woman. What an annoying, pushy, overbearing self-important ass. This is why people hate judges. They are petty bureaucrats who revel in their ability to use their power to intimidate you. They’re like mall security guards with a law degree. In this one she gave a guy money when a mall security guard damaged his car by beating up a shoplifter on the hood of his car. She also berated the guard for lying about how the damage happened. Someone using their petty power to abuse a security guard in public: the poetic justice is deafening.

She also gave a verbal smackdown to a grandma who was suing her son’s ex girlfriend. She believed that since the woman broke up with her son, that the baby furniture was no longer a gift and she had to give it back. Classy! I can live without this show.

Judge Alex: I think this guy is Cuban. I would probably hate this guy if he was Argentinian, but I don’t mind that he’s Cuban. Cubans don’t use as much hair gel as Argentinians and will never win the World Cup, so I cut them some slack. Still, I hate Judge Alex because he’s got no charisma and is freakishly tall. People of normal height, like me, have to use our good looks, personality and mad dancing skillz to get dates, but these freakish tall mutants can sit around with no personality and get dates by reaching things on high shelves in a bookstore for a pretty girl without using a ladder. I think we should tax tallies to make up for the budget deficit. We tax the rich even though they actually work for the money, so why not tax the tall people who did nothing to get where they are?

Anyway, Judge Alex is so boring that I can’t even remember what his case was about. I can live without this show.

Judge Mathis: I think we see a theme here. I am not crazy about Judge Mathis either, because he bullies the litigants (Like Judge Judy, but unlike Judge Alex, who has no personality). In this episode we see an unattractive woman who sued her stripper dancing instructor because she wanted to cancel her lessons. She didn’t like the fact that men were allowed to walk in and view the classes. She won. By the way, no one involved with the stripper lessons (including the instructor) is anyone that you would want to see nekkid. If you did see them nekkid, you would probably scream “My eyes!!! I’m blinded…and my brain is burning, make it stop!!!”).

Props to Judge Mathis for awarding money to a guy with Cornrolls in his hair who cried at the mental abuse his baby momma was inflicting on him by playing games with his visitation and telling him that he is not the father. The guy looked like Coolio’s younger broke little brother. I’m surprised he cried on national television, but if I thought it would get me a few thousand bucks, I might cry on TV too. Anyway, I could live without this show too.

Power Lunch: CNBC talk about the stock markets. Eh…it’s okay, but nothing I heard on there would ever make it onto Ninja Stock Picks, so I don’t need this show either.

At about 3pm, The Comcast guy came for the fourth installment of the House of Pain. Of course, he came late and didn't bother to bring a laptop. After staring at my computer the way my cat used to stare at rice pilaf, he looked at the poles and wires outside and said

Tech: "all the lights on your modem are on, so the internet should be

"Ninja: "Yeah...but yet it's not...I guess that's why I asked them to send
you with a know, to see why it's not working."

Tech: "They didn't tell me you needed a laptop."

Ninja: Yeah...the first guy said I needed it, he wrote "need laptop" on the
work order; the next guy showed up without one, requested a laptop for the next
visit, the third guy never showed up but claimed that he not only showed up, but
acutally fixed it; then they sent you.

Tech then calls someone with a laptop and leaves, then comes back with a Dell. A freakin' Dell! Now, I love my iMac the way that Rosie O'Donnell loves chocolate. I love My iMac more than Angelina Jolie loves deviant sex. So bringing a Dell into my house is like bringing pork chops to a bar mitzvah. Still, I sufferred the indignity so that I could get my internet working. What lengths I'll suffer through for illegally downloaded music and fetish porn! Since I'm Catholic, even joking about stuff like that is a sin, so we'll add that to the list of sins that I'll have to attone for if I ever go to confession. I haven't been to confession since I was 12, so the list is getting pretty long. He got the Dell working on my modem but said my computer still wasn’t detecting the IP address and my Apple was probably broken and that I should get a PC because the Techs are better at working with those. Telling an Apple user that he should trade his iMac for a PC is like telling a preacher that his daughter is a slut. That ended the service call. FVCK COMCAST!!! I’m cancelling. NOBODY INSULTS MY iMAC!!!

Anyway, later, in a last ditch effort, I went to a bookstore and bought an Apple book that had a chapter on what looked like things that had to do with the internet. (TCP/IP, PPPoE, DCHP etc.). $22 later I’m sitting home and playing with the settings and it found the IP address (which shouldn’t be possible if the internet card were broken like the Comcast guy claimed). But still no internet. I think maybe I’ll just

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Buy This: Ninja Approved!

So my friend Maggie is selling her apartmetnt in Dupont Circle. (for those of you not from DC, Dupont Circle is DC's equivalent of Greenwhich Village...if DC were anywhere near as cool as NYC). Anyway, she is selling a kick-ass condo that she owns there, which is fully furnished and rented out at $1525 per month. She said the tenant is tall, blonde and good-looking, so any of you single gals looking for a condo and a husband should really look into this.

It's listed for $227k and described as having a " FAB Euro feel" in the listing. I think this is a pretty accurate description since my friend is from europe and when she bought the place she asked me what I thought about it and I said "it makes me fee FAB...all caps." Here is the listing :

Ther neighborhood is great too. I used to live in Dupont. It's very hip and trendy...well, as trendy as you can get for DC, which is like saying "he's the smartest guy on the football team." It's got a lot of gays there, so women will feel safe walking home at night. Well, I assume they are gay, but they may just be really dedicated's hard to tell.

The building is nice and it's only a few blocks to the metro or some of the best nightlife and restaurants in the city. I rate this condo "4 Shurikens". (You can't get 5 Shurikens without a pool or Judy Greer in your Bldg.).

Monday, July 10, 2006

Die, Comcast, DIE!

Well, the Comcast guy came and still no internet. He came without his laptop so basically he just stared at my computer for a while, went outside to look for the cable that comes into the house, then called to set up yet another appointment for Monday. For those of you keeping count, that will be appointment number 4. Thanks, Comcast. I really appreciate having to take 4 fvcking days off work just so that I can get the service that I paid for and which, you claim, you're in business to provide.

It took a while for the Comcast guy to set up the appointment because--you guessed it---their computers were down. These people at Comcast are about as organized as a monkey shit fight at the zoo.

So the appointment is set up for Monday. I called tech support as the Comcast guy suggested (don't ask me whey he couldn't do it while he was here). And the Phone Monkey told me something that makes me hate Comcast even more. She said they couldn't find the IP address on my computer and that she didn't know how to fix it because Apple Doesn't support Comcast's software so they might not be able to fix it on monday...because of those bastards at Apple.

Now you all know I love me some Apple. If I had to pin the blame on someone and my choices were Apple (whose service has always ranged from Good to Great) or Comcast (whose service has always ranged from Mediocre to Pathetic) do you really think I’ll lay the blame on Apple. Especially since the woman who is calling me, is calling me from a place that can’t keep their own computers (which run on Windows, I’m sure) running.

I’ll let you internets know what happens on Monday, but since the last few Comcast techs have looked at my iMac like it was an Alien Corpse from a UFO wreckage, I am not really hopeful.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Comcast Still Sux

In other news...Comcast still sux. I made another appotintment with them to come out and fix my internet before I die of sensory deprivation. When I called the phone monkey to set up an appointment, the following exchange happened.

Monkey: The tech guy already fixed your internet.

Ninja: No. He didn't fix it. He didn't even show. So unless he fixed it telepathicall-

Monkey: It says here he showed up friday.

Ninja: No, that's not true. No one showed or called. Your tech, is a liar, sir!

Monkey: Are you sure no one else let him in?

Ninja: Yes. I live alone and will probably die that way, thanks for reminding me of the terrible emptiness that is my existence, Satre.

Monkey: Well, my computer is showing here that your internet is working.

Ninja: Your computer is a liar. I don't have internet. I'm going through withdrawl. I got the shakes, man. Help me.

Monkey: Is the light that says "internet" on your cable modem lit up?

NInja: Yes. That's what makes it so frustrating. Please make it work. I needz interenet man. I can't do my ninja stock picks, check the weather, or buy weird stuff from eBay without it.

Monkey: Really? You can find out the weather on the internet? I just use it for Porn.

Ninja: I know, thats why you work in a call center, pervert. Well, because of that or your inbreeding, it's hard to tell which is more responsible.

Well, I guess I paraphrased some of that, but you get the point. I have to wait around for them again. If they can't fix it, I just gonna go commando and canel everything. I'll go back to the stone age and read books for entertainment or divine the weather by looking out my window. Either that, or I'll start drinking again.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Florida: Return of the Ninja

I spent the last few days in Florida. I'll be back in DC in a few hours. I came down here to de-stress by picking fights with my brother and working on one of the houses that we co-bought together. I should have some pics of us closing in the carport this week (if Comcast can get their ass in gear and turn my freakin' internet back on).

Lately, I hate flying more than usual. Not as much as I hate Comcast or the DC government but a lot, nonetheless. When I was a kid, I remember that flights to Florida included a meal. It was usually salisbury steak or "chicken" made from recylced cardboard, low-grade plastics and turkey gravy, but it was still food. During the airlines wars, they switched to club sandwhiches with lettuces in varying states of decay and a mini-pack of saltines, but it was still an actual meal. How can you call yourself an actual airline when all you give people to sustain themselves is half a glass of cola and a pack of peanuts. Cheapskates! What do they need flying waitressess, errrr, excuse me, "flight attendants" for if they can't even serve me a decent meal? And why, dear God, do you make me sit in the first row behind first class? I'm so close to luxury, yet so far away. I can practically smell the fine corinthian leather in the only-two-seat-wide aisles from my seat in the section where I sit next to the scum of the earth. That thin curtain is all that separates me from the good life. Well, that and a lot of money, but you get the point.

Anyway, it'll be good to get back in town. I reaaaallly hope the incompetents at Comcast can get my internet back on. I can't brag properly about my skillz if I don't have pics to show my imaginary internet friends how awesome I am. It'll be like someone describing a porn film without showing you any pics. Well, speaking of porn, I'm sure that Comcast will screw me yet again, but at least I have this forum to reap my cyber vengeance against them. Die, Comcast, DIE!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Comcast Sux

Well, my internet is still down, thanks to the incompetents at Comcast. They sent a repair guy to fix my cable modem, but since I failed to specify that I wanted someone who actually knew what they were doing, they sent me one that they probably hired from the parking lot of a liquor store. After about an hour of the guy playing around the computer and not knowing which end of it was up, he gave up. I don't know what kind of training they give these guys at Comcast University, but this guy didn't even know where the CD Rom drive was on my iMac. He actually asked if my computer had one (because he didn't see one). Since I didn't buy my iMac in 1985, of course it had one. And if he didn't know enough about Apple Macs to know if they even came with a CD Rom, I knew the task was doomed. So this guy called the office and scheduled a "lead tech with a laptop" to come the next day. I asked what would happen if that guy couldn't fix it. He assured me that a "lead tech with a laptop" could fix it. Then he went into a description of what it takes to be a lead tech with a laptop. Apparently it's the internet equivalent of overcoming the Shaolin 13 Chambers of Death. There is, apparently, only one level higher than a lead tech. I think it's a Shaolin Master Assassin, and it involves becomming part cyborg and having computer parts fused directly to your central nervous system, with a CPU in your brain and a USB Port in your rectum.

I think we need to change your ethernet cable.

That sounds like a lot of trouble to go through, but they probably make at least $2 an hour more than a head tech and they get their own parking spot.

The only problem with the lead tech with a laptop is that he didn't show. That's right, the Comcast guy never even bothered to show up. When I called Comcast to find out the status, the woman told me that they couldn't check on it because their computers were down. WHAT THE FVCK! I'm relying on these idiots to get my computer back on line when they can't even keep their own computers running. That's like hiring a dermatologist with severe acne or a bankrupt financial planner.

SO anyway, I' really pissed off at these morons. I'm gonna try to set up another appointment next week and if they screw me around again, I'm just cancelling my internet and cable altogether and I'll find something more productive to do with time, like helping blind kids or lepers, or maybe developing an addiction to prescription narcotics.