Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Gym Haterade

So I started going back to the gym. It's probaby a good stress reliever--I've been more edgy lately and it's causing me to be more acerbic than usual. I figured I need to either vent on my blog or go kick some puppies. So the blog it is. I guess that the weather has been nice for long enough that the usual sheep who crowd the gym after New Years resolutions or when the weather first starts getting nice are no longer there. But that doesn't keep some of the regulars from annoying me.

First of all, working out at the gym with Johnny Vegas is good because he knows how to keep you motivated when you want to quit.

Ninja: Are we done with biceps yet?

Johnny Vegas: Look at your biceps, they look done to you?

If everyone at the gym was like me or Johnny V, that would be okay...but they're not. There are other people at the gym which annoy me more than they should especially because of my bad mood. And here are the culprits:

OCD Guy. It doesn't bother me (much) that you sit there and fold your clothes like my grandmother. It doesn't bother me that you bring hangers to put your clothes away (actually, it does, but I'll pretend it doesn't). But what the fcuk is up with the shoe trees? Who brings shoe trees to the gym? Do you really think those Allen Edmonds knockoffs will deform and lose their shape if you don't keep them in shoe trees for the hour that you're going to be in the gym? If you weren't twice my size, I would beat you to death with those shoe trees.

Steroid guy. On behalf of everyone, Steroid Guy, let me tell you that you are not fooling anyone. No one has that many muscles. You've got muscles in places where most people don't even have places. Get off the roids, man. It'll shrink your pee pee and give you cancer. I know some guy probably kicked sand in your face when you were 11 and you swore you would get big and now you are so big and swollen that every shirt you wear looks like it belongs to your little brother, but it's time to let it go man. Besides, chicks don't dig guys with huge muscles and small pee pees...they dig libertarians, beeyotch! And in case you think you know who I am and want to kick my ass, just let me say that "I'm not him". I'm some other guy at a different gym and I was talking about some other roid-head with tiny genitals. No, Really.

Pale Freakishly Hairy Guy. Yes you, you freak. What the fcuk. Someone with pasty white skin and more hair on their back than I have on my chest should never ever wear a tank top...ever. And you need to start going to tanning booths and waxing your back. Haven't you ever seen an episode of Queer Eye? I don't know what your deal is, man. Maybe you're Turkish, maybe your part Sasquatch. I dunno. But this isn't a beach on the mediterranean, this is my gym, Chewbacca. I wish I was exaggerating how hairy this guy was, but he looked like the guy in this pic, except he was freakishly pale. Like all the guys in our IT dept.

BenchPress Addict. Listen up, muscle man. You know why you are hunched over and looked deformed? Because you need to work out ALL your muscles. If you work out your chest and arms, but not your back, then you look like the hunchback of Notre Dame's freaky cousin on steroids. Your chest and triceps are huge, but you have microscopic biceps and a huge gut. Not good, man; not good at all. And the chicken legs. Good god man, it's bad enough your upper body looks deformed but do SOME leg presses or lunges or something. You look like some deformed stickfigure some one made using an orange for the body and toothpicks for the legs. I don't go to the gym as often as I should, but whenever I do, you're always benchpressing. WHY are you always doing benchpresses? When I bench, you're benching; when I do cardio, you're benching; when I do legs, you're benching...etc. Stop with the fcuking bench! There are plenty of other machines, weights and exercises you can do. Try them. I know you're good at benching, how could you do it so much and not be good at it, but for the love of Moses, branch out a little and do some other muscle groups.

Black sock guy. You know I make fun of people in Florida when I see them in brown sandals with black socks. You know where black socks go? With black shoes. If you're going to commit a fashion crime by wearing dress socks with sneakers, at least have the decency to wear long pants so I don't have to witness those distracting fcuking socks when I'm trying to lift.

Big Shorts Guy. Listen carefully: If your shorts go past your knees, then they don't fit you, got it? The only way you could get away with shorts that are longer than your knees are if you are married to a pentecostal minister. Are you? Didn't think cut it out.

You know what shorts that go past your knees are called? They're called capri pants. And yes, that makes you a girl...wearing 1980s fashion. Are you still watching Pretty in Pink and the Breakfast Club, champ? What makes your fashion crime a capital punishment is that your ridiculous looking shorts have the logo for the school that beat my school in the NCAA tournament. Are you trying to get me to throw a dumbell at you? If so, keep it up. My school got taken out in the first round this year, but all our starters will be playing again next season. Next March I will mock you mercilously for your ridiculous shorts and the school that they came from...which I'm not even sure is a real college.

Little Shorts Guy. Yes, you. Those shorts may be okay if you had a career in 70s gay porn, but they are not appropriate for the gym. I don't want to do incline presses then look up and see some dude's underwear. It's freaky and disgusting. And I don't care how dirty your laundry is, you better keep wearing underwear. If you decide to go freeballing at the gym one day and I look up from the bench and see that I will throw a barbell at your head. Then I'll run, 'cuz you look like you're on steroids too.

Li'l Engine that Could. Look, man, no one walks around calling me "Stevie Strongman" or anything, but I know how much I can lift and I especially know how much I can't lift. You're not that big. If you're going to workout by yourself, then go with lighter weight. I don't like hearing you making sounds like you are giving birth when are working out next to me. And I don't even know you so, no, I don't want to "spot you for just one set" and I don't want to feel obligated to stop what I'm doing when you lift without a spotter and suddenly yelp "someone get this off me! help me please! Oh my trachea...I'm dying, please please don't let me die like this. I can't breathe, I think I'm dying!!!" Walk it off, like a man dammit!


Stef said...

I would just add one point... Little Shorts guy better continue to wear tighty-whitie undies. Nothing was as shocking as those college-frisbee-game moments with my guy pals who thought it was smart to wear umbros and boxers together. Wow, you can see all the way up there. Yikes!

Jamy said...

Aren't you supposed to set me up with your friend? What's up with that?

Oh, and the pants that go past the knees are PEDAL PUSHERS. Capri pants go to the ankle. Everyone gets it wrong--the world has gone mad.

My gym is at work and we don't quite have the same categories; but there are other equally disturbing types.

Erin of Forest Glen said...

Hey Ninja, Just found your blog, and you're cracking me up - thanks!
.... nice work with this post, I think we must go to the same gym cause I swear I know those guys :) In addition, do you have a:

--IPod Woman: ( sings out LOUD, gestures and everything, on the treadmill )
-- Fake Faker: this guy never actually lifts any weights as far as I can tell, just sits at the machines. Uh, sorry last time I checked, staring at us girls while we climb stairs is NOT a valid form of exercise. :)

Hey Stef, thanks a lot for reminding me of my own similar, scarring college-frisbee-game moments that I thought I'd forgotten... ;)
Not as scarring as the time my freshman year when I was surprised by the bi-annual "Bun Run" during finals week through a study lounge (why do guys get such a KICK out of being naked?? Like the carpenter dude in California? ! )

brando said...

The only ones that bother me are the "Walk up and start a conversation guy, and the "Relax on the machines old person". I guess that's the Fake Faker. If they want to go to the gym to fake it, they can simply stand by the wall, not sleep on the machines.

Diet Coke of Evil said...

My capri pants (I call them my short pants) don't look terrible! And they are like, totally in style now too, not just in the 80s!

But other than that, I loved this post - it was hilarious! I hear you on the last guy, I was at the gym the other day and some skinny white dude with a tank top and long shorts on was trying to do leg presses WAY above his weight ability, so he just did them 1/3 of they way and really fast, like his legs were a jackhammer. I'm pretty sure he's never going to get laid, ever.

yo, where is my question?

Diet Coke of Evil said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HomeImprovementNinja said...

>stef, yeah deffo tighty whities. Otherwise, what's the point?

>Jamy, I haven't forgotten. And whatever they're called, they don't belong on someone who is ostensibly a man.

>erin, welcome. I've seen fake faker too. He's kinda creepy and always decides to "workout" when the step class is on.

>brando, yeah "random conversation guy" is disturbing. Especially when it's an old dude in the lockerroom with a gigantic open-heart surgery scar. Usually they don't have pants on and hang out in the sauna, but the 3 foot long scar in their chest is especially creepy.

>DCOE, maybe they're coming back now. But even if you're retro cool, a guy shouldn't wear capri pants or whatever they're called.

and what question?

>comment deleted? did you change your mind, or was deleted by Karl Rove and his band of interweb nazis?

Reya Mellicker said...

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? Because ... you could take them off as soon as you walk through the front door of the gym. All those people can become nothing more than fuzzy smears of color.

Of course then you couldn't write funny posts like this one. Never mind.

Diet Coke of Evil said...

comment deleted was me. it posted twice! lame-o!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

reya, I wear glasses, but only when I drive. But even if I wore them to the gym, I don't think I should have to remove them. That's like sticking my head in the sand. I'd rather be part of the solution: getting the word out there and hopefully shaming people into changing theire behavior.

DCOE, I believe you, but how do I know you don't work for Karl Rove? Answer Quick: Richard Nixon, framed or guilty?

Diet Coke of Evil said...

quick answer: GUILTY

Anonymous said...

You 'da man NINJA! Love the blog - it has it all - Home projects, Libertarian Rants, Neighbor relations skillz, and now 'Generally hysterical life commentary'.

On topic:
In my gym, there's a guy who blow dries his privates with one leg up on the counter. Not sure how to classify him. Try to cleanse that image from your mind.

Anonymous said...

Ok now you have me sitting at my desk trying to hold in the laughter and in doing so I am crying...That was too funny...I don't go to the gym ever and your vivid description has given me such a picture that I will never go to a gym ever. If I want to see freaks I'll just ride the subways and reserve the exercise to running after the number 7 train.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

DCOE, that's the correct far as I know.

anon, thanks for the compliment. As for the guy who does, ummm, THAT, with the blowdryer. UGH! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Luckily I don't work out there. But now I can't get that disturbing image out of my mind.

karen, thanks. But you can go to the gym if you want. I'm sure the real freaks only go to my gym. And anon's.

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff! Tho, you should note that steroid technically don't shrink your pee-pee. They shrink your nads. I'm told they can actually make the pee-pee larger. It is a muscle, after all.

Dan said...

How about "gym girls?" Not just because typically I enjoy posts about girls, but because I especially enjoy posts about girls working out.

m.a. said...

What about the 70s shorts and tanktop guy with red tennis shoes? You know he's there.

Oh. And the person who grunts with every lift?

This was one hilarious post.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

joe: noted for the record. But they don't make your schlong bigger. The schlong is actually tissue, not muscle. That's why there's no machine that makes it bigger...well, no weight machine.

belligerent intellectual, "gym girls" eh? Well, I'm going to the gym today and monday, so I'll see if I can spot some new material. If any chicks catch me staring at 'em during step class, you're my witness that I'm doing it for professional reasons.

Momentary Academic, there's lot more where those came from. I just wrote about the ones who annoy me most. There's other weirdos who are there who don't annoy me as much, but bother other people. A girl I know is seriously freaked out by the tranny who works there, but it doesn't really bother me much(actually it does, but I pretend to be politically correct).

brando said...

Wearing headphones is the best way to ward off the conversation folks.

I usually don't get too worked up about people's gym clothes or workout style, as long as it doesn't ruin my workout. I'm a libertarian too. A gym libertarian.

I used to work out at a nearby gym that was sponsered by a hospital. Therefore it was a lot of gerrys and heart-rehab patients. No problem. You'll do your workout, and I'll do mine. The problem is that there are some minor gym etticite rules that they didn't want to follow. (one of which is the arrow indicator on the track)

Lounging on the machines was a big one for me. I was in the habit of doing 4-5 sets at the time, and I ALWAYS let people work in, and I always stand up in between sets. It's polite to ask, and it's polite to say "yes". And if I'm working in, I change the stack back to whatever weight they were using. After my first set the gerry would plop down on the machine and think about lifting for 60 seconds. She'd do her set, then sit there and watch TV. In order to model good behavior I'd ask

"Would you mind if I worked in?"


"Would you mind if I did a set while you're resting, and you can do a set while I'm resting."

"But I'm still using it."

"Aaaaaannnnnd you're old."

RC said...

i love the steroid guy comic...and hairy man...yea shouldn't wear a tank top.

I get the joy of workiing out with a lot of really old people at the ymca.


--RC of

cristian said...

My opinion is that gym memberships should be something mandatory for a health insurance plan. That way people could be educated to live a healthy life and insurance companies would reduce costs.

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