Dear Van Parked in My Driveway:
I know you have Virginia plates, but things work differently here in DC. See, here, you can't park in someone's driveway like an a-hole just because you don't want to leave your car on the street even though I counted two empty spaces in front of my house. You see, it's a shared alleyway, which means that everyone can drive up and down it, but no one can park there, because that would make driving on it a lot harder, understand?
Imagine my surprise when I was trying to exit my icy driveway and my car was slip-sliding all over the ice and it took me a full 20 minutes to get around your nice van without damaging it (believe me, I couldn't give 2 sh1ts about your van, it's my car I'm worried about). Well...when I finally got done, you can understand why I a little upset with you, and surprised to find that you hadn't locked your doors.
Now part of me thought I should do something vile, like take a dump in your seat or tell a homeless person they could sleep there for the night. Part of me thought I should just forgive and forget. Well, since I was short on time, out of toilet paper and not in a forgiving mood, I compromised. I left your door open just enough so that the dome light would stay on all night and your battery would be dead in the morning. Clever, huh? I hope you had a nice time trying to get someone random passerby to come to the alley to give you're car battery a jump (in the hood, no one's going to let you lure them into an alley) or paying a tow truck to come and give your car a jump start. Fair warning Virginia van: Park in my driveway again, and next time I will take the biggest dump of my life in your car and wipe my butt with your insurance and registration in the glove compartment. Have a great weekend!!!!
I found out the Helio Gracie, founder/creator of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu died this morning. RIP.