Monday, April 30, 2007

Fogo de Owwwwwww

I participated in an eating contest at Fogo de Chao.

For those you that don’t know, Fogo de Chao is an upscale restaurant with all you can eat barbecue meat. I know that sounds like an Oxymoron but it’s true. The way it works is that you have a coaster on you table with a red side and a green side. If the green side is showing, people come around with slabs of meat on a spit and keep putting it on your plate until you give up and turn your disc to the red side. If the green side is up, the meat keeps coming until you turn that disc over or you die. If you die, they call an ambulance and throw a few pieces in a doggy bag for you to take to the morgue. They don’t mess around at Fogo, baby.

My friend Dirty Dave was visiting and I decided to challenge him to an eating contest to make up for the drinking contest I lost to him in 2000. The fabled Pre St. Patty’s day drinking contest was between me, Dave, U-Boat, Shamus McIrish and Fat Kid Who’s Name I forget.

Dirty Dave was sure his drinking prowess was unmatched. He had some advantages in his favor. He weighed about 30 lbs more than U-boat, or McIrish, (50 lbs more than me) and he’s from a rednecky place where people marry their cousins and start drinking when they’re still in diapers (which in this place, means when they are 10).

Now here’s some random facts about U-Boat. He’s from germany and his real name is Adelbert, but we call him U-Boat because we know it offends him. Actually, I think he’s exaggerating about how offensive he finds it, because it’s common knowledge that Germans love it when you make WWII jokes at their expense.

So FKWNIF dropped out after nine beers, even though he was the heaviest of all of us. I don’t buy his B.S. story that he “had a couple before he got there’. I tapped out at 12 beers and could barely stand. McIrish downed an impressive 15 beers, then threw up outside. He was just trying to get some air, but the beer had other ideas. U-Boat and Dave were up to 16 beers when the place closed and they agreed to continue the contest the next day (St. Patty’s Day).

U-Boat calls in at noon and is ready to start drinking again. Dave was so hungover, that he couldn’t even get up to walk his dog, and as a result, he ended up sleeping next to dog poop all night. He said “no mas” and conceded defeat. Victory for the Nazis…errr, I mean Germans.

Because I’m competitive, the fact that I came in fourth in a drinking contest has bothered me for the last 7 years. I couldn’t beat Dave at drinking, but I thought I might be able to beat him at eating. I put on about 20 lbs from stress eating when I thought I was gonna die, so I’m closer to his weight now. I’m also a pretty good eater. I ate 2.5 jumbo pizza slices once in Adams Morgan without breaking a sweat (it would’ve been 3 but the cabbie said I couldn’t bring food in the car).

The rules were simple, we each had to eat exactly what the other person ate, and the first person to flip his disc from green to red would lose.

I was holding my own against Dave, but I was clearly nearing full stomach capacity and that fat bastard was still going strong. Just when I was about to give up because I couldn’t eat anymore, I got a sign from the heavens: Filet Mignon wrapped in bacon.

Filet Mignon wrapped in Bacon!?! Now, I’ve told you before about how much I love bacon. Oh sweet, sweet bacon. If bacon was a girl, she would be sooooo hot. Now, Filet Mignon tastes awesome on it’s own, but there’s only two things I can think of that could possibly improve how enjoyable it is:

  • 1) covering it in Heroin;
  • 2) wrapping it in bacon.

Anything tastes good wrapped in Bacon. FACT! In fact, even if you wrapped an olive in bacon, I would think about eating it (although at the last minute I would probably come to my senses and eat the bacon and throw away the olive).

Eventually, Dave won the eating contest. After a while I couldn’t eat any more…even for bacon. I tried a few tricks (like covering the meat in Chimmichurri sauce when my body started to rebel at eating more proteins), but in the end, Dave was just too much of a fat bastard and sometimes a determined will is no match for a fat stomach. I think Sun Tzu said that.

The next day we went out drinking with him, Tiny, and a few girls. Eventually, it got late and Dave, me and Tiny ended up at a dive bar in G’Town.

Now I’ve seen Dirty Dave and Tiny do some questionable things* in the past, but that night I saw a rare display of chivalry. There was a young chick who was so drunk she could barely stand and four creepy arab guys were trying to drag her out of the club and probably date rape her. Tiny (who was a Division I wrestler with Dirty Dave) pulled the girl away and saved her. The creepy guys started yelling at DD and Tiny. They didn’t know I was with DD and Tiny, so I moved behind the creeps so that if one of them took a swing I would hit him from behind with my beer bottle. What? Oh, like you’ve never done that?

Luckily, after some yelling, and “we’ll be waiting for you outside” threats, the creepy guys left without me having to break a beer bottle against the back of their heads. It was almost a full bottle so it would’ve been a shame to waste it. Tiny and Dave then carried her up the stairs and put her in a cab and gave the cabbie $10 to drive her home. Just when I thought I didn’t know who these guys were, Tiny said to Dave “I think she liked you…you should’ve asked to squeeze her tit before she left.” Yep, that’s Tiny.

Then I started getting text messages from my friend who was at Wonderland and wanted me to meet her and some other people out. I couldn’t get Dave and Tiny to go, so I left them there and drove over.

Friend was out with a cougar who was on a date with a guy that was, literally, barely old enough to drink. Friend told me not mention how old the Cougar is. She said the Cougar met the kid online and he didn’t know she was 12 years older than him. Apparently, the kid was legally blind or brain damaged. Because he thought a track suit was acceptable to wear on a first date, I’m assuming he was brain damaged. There were, it turns out, a couple of bloggers there too, but I haven’t seen them mention this night yet, so I’ll let them remain anonymous (yes, I’m talking to you, Cougar).

Anyway, I’m tired of typing, so THE END.

Coming Soon: Part 2 of the Ninja Mitzvah story.

*I’ve mentioned before how Dirty Dave will “teabag” an unattended drink, but I’ve got a few Tiny stories that make that look tame. I'll keep them to myself since this is a PG-13 blog, and because I don't want to get my ass kicked.


Anonymous said...

Endless meat. Sweet merciful Jeebus, maybe I should've moved to DC after all.

Anonymous said...

Getting better...Try a little more Henry Miller,a little less Holden Caulfeild...(not the sex stuff-the peaple observation)

an observer

JulieGong said...

1. That was a great story.
2. Germans win at everything. I should know.
3. The most beers I ever drank was 14.
4. So I beat you too.

Across The River said...

My arteries ached just reading this. Also, you can't mention the last part about your friend without giving us some sort of version. Come on, you can censor an R-rated story down to a PG 13.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

You can call me, 'Sir': DC has some other things going for it, like, ummm, well, you know.

Anonymous: I wish I knew what you were talking about, but the only thing i know about Henry Miller is that Anais Nin had an affair with him AND his wife. In other words, he's a lucky guy.

Julie_Gong: Well, I'm older than you and a man, so, statistically, I have a better chance of dying first.

Across The River: Nope. Don't want this blog used as evidence if he's ever in danger of being disbarred.

Anonymous said...

I got a little sick thinking about all of that food.

Phil said...

Fogo is outstanding, even if their prices are a bit ridiculous.

You must forgo any salad, bread, side item in order to eat the 5 lbs. of meat required to achieve the value of what you just paid.

Good stuff, though.

JoJo said...

Must. Eat. Meat. after reading your oh so hilarious post.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

circumlocutor: sick? Did you NOT read the part about bacon?

Phil: I agree with you, in theory. I forego all sides until I'm completely full, then I have some salad bar items to cleanse my pallet before the final assault on my stomach.

JoJo: There was actually a big table full of thin 20 something women at the next table. I wasn't sure if they completely grasped the concept of ALL YOU CAN EAT MEAT. But it's definitely a unique experience.

Meokat said...

Sorry, posting late.

I've only been to Fogo de Chao once. With my 4 brothers. Best. Eating. Contest. EVER.