Monday, April 02, 2007

The Ninja Mitzvah: Part 1

Well, I'm outta' town for the weekend. I'm in NY for a Bar Mitzvah (oh vey!). I know what you're thinking: Jewish Ninjas? Well, yes. Let's not forget the Taga Ninja Clan's 42nd grandmaster was Abraham Hirohito. He made two of the greatest contributions to the dark art of the shadow warrior.

Firstable, The ninja throwing star. Few people are aware that Abraham crafted the first throwing star out of a star of David. Legend has it that several ninja masters were invited over for a Passover dinner and one of the Shinobi inadvertently insulted his wife's Matzoh Ball soup. This particular ninja's command of the yiddish language was not what it should be and when he said he had to pee, he used the wrong verb in yiddish and inadvertently said the soup tastes like pee. Abraham grabbed the nearest table ornament, A star of David, and killed him. The eldest ninja grandmaster saw this remarkable feat and proclaimed that all Ninja warriors should begin using throwing stars as weapons. He also proclaimed that if anyone had to go to the bathroom, they should really, really, hold it 'till they get home.

He also came up with the idea of wearing black. Before him, ninja's would wear a uniform disguised to look like whatever they were hiding near. So if they were in the forest, the would wear a uniform that looked like a tree. If they were infiltrating a castle, they wore a uniform that looked like bricks and mortar. Abraham, using his connections in the Japanese Garment district, was able to get several hundred hasidic outfits (wholesale, no less!) and passed them out as gifts to his ninja friends during chanukah (the "c" is silent, just like a ninja...coincidence?).

So from then on, the ninjas started wearing black and throwing ninja stars...the end.

Before I left, I walked the 2 blocks from my office and attended the first couple hours of a Blogger Happy Hour. I saw BettyJoan (who it turns out I have some things in common with), Arjewtino (an Argentinian Jew who's probably related to me by marriage or incest), I66 (who's part asian, but I'm afraid to ask if he's a ninja, because the only way to be sure if someone is a ninja is to have them kill you), LemonGloria (who seems to have a girl on girl blog crush on someone I, that's hot), Martin (who I suspect may be part of the Matrix), Across the River (who I'm sure was disappointed by how un-ninja like my shirt was), and someone who recognized me, but looks totally different from the last time I saw her. She quit blogging because of a stalker, started a new blog, made herself look even hotter than before and said to me "hey ninja, don't you remember me? I used to be [blank] but I stopped blogging when I thought someone was going to kill me to vent their pent up rage and sexual impotence. I write under the name [new blank] now." There were some other people there I talked to who I'm sure I'm forgetting. If you're a girl and I forgot to mention you, then please passively aggressively complain about it to your girlfriends of anyone else before you finally tell me how hurt you were. Then I'll pretend I don't know what you're talking about; will reluctantly admit I was wrong; and buy you flowers and apologize for it while secretly resenting you for making me apologize for something that was unintentional. If you're guy and are upset that I forgot to mention you, then stop being such a wussy. Seriously, Chief, do your ovaries hurt when you cry?

Anyway, after my family is done driving me crazy, I'l be back in DC. I'm planning on making a pitstop in NYC where I'll try to meetup with 3 people before i leave. My childhood friend, the Bensonhurst Kid, my imaginary girlfriend (who works with BK and has a real life non-blog crush on me) and a blogger who I've been wanting to meet for a while. I'll report back next week.


Carrie M said...

Educational AND entertaining. Wow, Ninja, that's pretty good.

Sorry I didn't get a chance to say hi on Thursday night. You were there and like a minute later you weren't. Such is the life of a ninja, I suppose.

mysterygirl! said...

Have a fun time, and thanks for the origin story of the throwing star-- makes sense to me!


you are special...check my page i want you to see the Gangsta Happy Feet Remix. Histerical!

Lemon Gloria said...

Love the throwing star bit! It was very nice to meet you last week! I hope NY has been great.

Twoste said...

What do jenjas practice? Meshuganah claw? Oy...

Across The River said...

I expect you to show up at the next blogger happy hour in full ninja regalia.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Carrie M: sorry I couldn't stay. Maybe next time.

mysterygirl!: you're welcome. Thanks for visiting :)

SAILOR MOON : I just caught it, thanks.

Lisa: Great meeting you too.

Twoste: The rituals are secretive...and deadly.

Across The River: if I did, I would be invisible.

honeykbee said...


Now get to work on that sink ;)