Monday, August 14, 2006

My Dream Job...Or is it?

Well, since the Houston gig a few months ago didn't pan out, I have been thinking about what I would like to do for a living in an ideal world.

I mean, besides being married to Judy Greer.

One of my not-so secret desires is to get so good at Ninja Stock Picks ™ that I can eventually decide to do it full time. In my fantasy, people with lots of money try to convince me to give up my job as a government hack, close down my ninja blog and invest full time. As my demands get more and more outrageous (“I want my own toilet…I won’t be scootin’ and pootin’ in the same pot as the rest of you…it’s disgusting”) the offer finally becomes so good that I can’t turn it down. Anyway, I relive this scenario in my mind for anywhere between 6-14 hours a day.

Since the great and powerful Cosmos desires nothing more than to make me happy, it made me come across this article on starting your own hedge fund.

One thing that was odd which I didn’t know is that there are now more hedge funds than there are Taco Bells. I don’t know if I should be encouraged or discouraged by that. On the one hand, it could mean that the market is saturated, on the other hand it could mean that they are giving money to everybody…even the idiot who wants to start a fund and pick stocks based on Astrology. If you think I’m kidding about that, I’m not—read the article.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have my own hedge fund. Although Ninja Stock Picks ™ are beating all the major market averages, I brag so much about them that if I did it for a living my ego might be insufferable.

Ninja: Can I speak to the head of trading, please?

Receptionist: Ninja? I was told not to put you through ever again.

Ninja: Umm, I’m not the Ninja…I’m some other guy, and I’m calling about something completely different. Yeah…I’m a doctor of something and I’m calling about his uhhh, herpes test.

Receptionist: Oh my lord, I hope it’s not serious.

Ninja: Well, I wouldn’t eat any potato chips off his crotch if I was you…now put me through.

[transferring call]

BigShot: Hello, trading desk.

Ninja: IN YOUR FACE!!!

BigShot: Dammit! That’s not funny. It hasn’t been funny for the last 2 years. Every week when your fund is beating ours, you call and YELL into the phone. I’m tired of hearing “read it and weep, bitches” or “on your case, in your face” or “suck it, wall street”. Can you please stop calling and start acting like a responsible adult.

Ninja: Wow, I feel kinda silly now. I feel like an apology is in order, so on behalf of me and everyone at my hedge fund I’d just like to say…SUCK IT!!! HAHA!!!


So that I have something to look forward to I decided on something. Seriously. I'm going to start keeping track of my performance results, then go this conferece next year and see if any crazies want to give me money. I figure I'll stand next to one of these astrology investors and people will give me money because I'll be like the midget who only hangs around even shorter midgets so that I appear tall, by comparison. Or like those semi-retarded people who take jobs at the White House so they appear intelligent.


m.a. said...

I would hire you to invest my money for you. Well, if I had money!

Melissa said...

I was cracking up at the potato chip off the crotch thing. Awesome.

amanda said...

Well, if this doesn't work out, there are always employment opportunities at Ninja Burger:

Twoste said...

Do you know any good accountants? I hate doing my own book keeping. Also, taxes. I really want someone to do my taxes for me. They can keep my refund, I don't need it usually and feel bad spending it.
Also, someone to help me invest. I really need that. You are helpful at times though. No insider trading!
Hedge fund. I want to be in one like I want venture capital. Mmmm, free money to buy expensive pens because they make my business and product "feel" better. Mmmmmmmm...

HomeImprovementNinja said...

MA: Thanks. My friend said something similar. He added that "but rich people pay people to keep them from giving money to people like you."

velvet: thanks. Yeah crotch chips are a delicacy on wall street.

amanda: If I'm giving up law, I don't think I'd give it for burgers ;)

twoste: I am my own accountant, which is my record-keeping sux.