Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Genocide Chronicles, Part 4

Anyway, I promised an update on the Sudanese guy and here it is. If you remember the episodes with the Sudanese guy here, here and here, we had a leeetle problem with him leaving about 40 cubic yards of dirt in a common driveway. I didn't want to narc on him because of the possible bad karma that could come from ratting on a possible genocide survivor. (although I could get worse karma if he's a genocide perpetrator and I stayed silent...damn you, karma!). If you don't remember that far back:

here is a before picture. This is how high the dirt was originally. It stayed that way for a while. I was patient and my patience payed off.

The Lord of Abraham and Moses saw my patience and said "it is good"...And then God smote his house with a mighty tree. (is the past tense of smite...smited or smoted?)

Proving what we already suspected: that Catholics are his chosen people and those ridiculous rituals with the incense and the kneeling that we go through do actually please him. (and that he forgives me for calling Sister Helen a fat penguin when I was 6...and again when I was 32).

Actually, this handiwork might have been the work of the Arch -angel Gabriel, but there is plenty of credit to go around. Big ups to whomever was responsible.

So back to the update: He hired people while I was in Florida and they cleaned out (most of) the dirt in the driveway.I don't know if it was 'cuz I narc'd on him, if it was the voodoo dolls I made of him with the sacrificial chicken blood, or maybe it was the dead hooker* I left on his doorstep with a note saying "get rid of the dirt in your driveway or I'll kill you next." But whatever it was that did it, it's (mostly) gone.

Here's an after picture. I mean it's not ALL gone, but it looks a lot better.

There is a still a problem with people illegally dumping in the alley. But if I do decide to rent out a furnished room to an intern this summer for some extra cash that broken dresser and urine-stained mattress will probably come in handy.

I'm thinking of narc'ing on him again about the illegal underpinning thing he's doing in his basement, but I'll do a separate post about that later.

*Okay, this will be the last dead hooker joke I make on my blog...probably. I don't want weirdos coming to my blog looking for dead hookers. Unless they already here, in which case...welcome!


Fascinacion said...

Wow ... this is the funniest blog ever. Keep on.

Anonymous said...

Holy cow... he's underpinning his house without a permit?

Narc, narc - stat!!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Thanks facinacion, I didn't know I had a fan in Zambia.

Siryn, yeah...I was thinking of letting it go, but a house a block from me collapsed (and there was another on the news) recently so I'm debating whether to overcome my reservations against being a narc. I'll post some pics of the collasped building in the follow up.

E :) said...

Smoted? Smoth? Smithe? Smithed?

Um, I give up.

Liberal Banana said...

Wow, that is weird. Dirt dumping bastard...

Did you know I hit a squirrel with my car on Sunday? I could bring it to you if you need to leave it on his doorstep, if you can't find any hookers to take out.

Anonymous said...

Never give up on dead hooker jokes.

For example, what's the difference between a dead hooker and a cadillac?

I don't have a cadillac in my garage.


C&C said...

Love your blog! Looks like karma worked in your favor. Narc the guy out, the next people who own that home will thank you.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

e:) I think we can at least agree that having been smitten, they were shown that the heavenly pimp hand is strong.

banana, yeah I read about your squirrel. Was that just for fun, or did the squirrel do something to make you go all sopranos on it?

rcr, even if I don't make dead hooker jokes, I won't censor the commenters on their deceased-hooker-related speech...that would be unamerican.

c&c, thanks. I'm leaning towards narc'ing on him because of the safety issue, but most of my neighbors have done work without permits at one time or another, but still, this is a safety issue.

mysterygirl! said...

I don't know what underpinning means. Can you refer me to a definition or some readings on the subject so that I can be proper appalled? :)

Anonymous said...

Hmm... so if you neighbor has illegal underpinning.. and his house collapses as a result.. does your property value go up or down?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

mysterygirl, I'll explain underpining next week, in more detail.

monica, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't help home values. Dead bodies are always bad for the neighborhood, just ask Jeffrey Dahmer's neighbors.

Anonymous said...

What is the soil like in your area? Is it sandy? Clay? Loamy? If it's fairly sandy, you need to narc on him like YESTERDAY and possibly get an engineer to do a survey to make sure that your house hasn't been disturbed.