Friday, June 16, 2006

Random Friday Thoughts

First of all, to whomever was honking their horn at 5am this morning: I HOPE YOU DIE. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. To Quote the great Klaus Kinksi, "You should be thrown to the crocodiles alive. An anaconda should throttle you slowly. The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze you. your brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes. Panthers shouldn't slit you open with their claws, that would be too good for you! No. Big red ants should piss in your eves, eat your balls, penetrate your asshole, and eat your guts!"

Thanks Klaus, I feel better now.

Moving on...

This has been widely reported, but I have to ask what is going on over at Home Depot? People finding pounds of marijuana and kilos of cocaine in cabinets? And turning it in?

Helllooooooo. I mean, even if you don't use it yourself, I'm sure you know people that do. With all that pot, and some of my nieces and nephews now in High School, I could totally be the "cool uncle" forever.

And don't get me started on the coke. I mean, even if you don't want to sell it because of the whole federal prison thing, you could still totally be the man with a few kilos of that stuff. There would be no Hollywood party that would be off limits to you and you wouldn't have to pay for a lapdance for the rest of your life. Now, before I get some angry emails, let me state for the record that not ALL strippers are coked-up junkie whores...just the ones who dance at the type of clubs that I would frequent.

Moving on...

I mentioned before that I don't blog about the place that pays my salary. So the following is a hypothetical conversation between me and Lord of the Rings.

LOTR: Hey, we got a new intern starting today.

Ninja: Yeah? How big are her norks?

LOTR: She's a He.

Ninja: Okay, how big are his norks?

LOTR: You need professional help, man...seriously.

Ninja: I went to Catholic School, man. There's no amount of therapy in the world that can fix that.

LOTR: Too much info...seriously. Look, we got a new intern, do you have any work you need help with?

Ninja: Yeah...what's he know about drywall and electrical?

LOTR: Uhhh, nothing. Do you have any legal work for him?
Ninja: No. If he can't even hang drywall, why would I trust him with legal work?

And finally:

My old roomate from Law School's Parents and Brother are in town this weekend. So I'll try to show them around on Saturday. I offered to let them stay in the Ninja fortress, but they opted for a hotel. I don't know if they were just being polite or if they were trying to say something about my personal hygiene. Jus' sayin'.

Anyway, this should be interesting. The last time I saw his brother, me, my roommate and him got into a fist fight with rednecks in a drivethrough and almost got arrested. This is an interesting story, but I'll save it for a later post because I'm too lazy to get into it now.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend.


JordanBaker said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the second time you've teased the fist fight in a drive through story? You're going to have to come across with that at some point.

Twoste said...

Just make sure you stretch first before Ninja-ing across ton.
You don't want to pull a hammy.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

jordan: yeah, I know. It's just that it's a long story and I have to do it justice. Plus, I need to finish up part four of the florida trip too.

twoste: i think we're all too old to be doing anything that would involve pulling a muscle.

Raincouver said...

So tell me: how many billable hours can you get from a male intern (with big norks, apparently) hanging drywall?

Well, I guess that's the least he deserves for honking his horn at 5 AM this morning.

I think I see a writ of habeas corpus in your future...

Stef said...

I'm desperately looking for a temp to do real work at the place that pays my salary, but you know what? I'd settle for someone who could come in and clean my office. Think your intern could do that? It actually works out better for me if it's a guy without big norks!

Anonymous said...

"Norks"??? Is that a DC thing? Never heard them called that. (Must make mental not to add to inappropriate vocab).

m.a. said...

You went to Catholic school as well? That explains so much.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

rain, I don't worry about billables any more. Screw law firm work!

stef, what else are interns good for? They worse than secreataries, they can't even make copies.

botb, I pretty sure it's british. If you hadn't noticed. This is one of them posh blogs.

MA, yeah it explains a lot. It's like two vietnam vets knowing that the rest of the world just doesn't get it because they weren't there man!