Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Apres Moi, Le Deluge

Okay, so I took a few days off from work in order to get some actual work done at the ninja fortress. Just as my luck would have it, it's been raining nonstop for the past four days. There are three inches of standing water in my driveway; the basement is damp, smells like old people and is kicking my dehumidifier's ass; and I haven't been able to get much done. Plus it's supposed to rain 2-4 more inches tonight and there are more storms on the way. What a nice vacation. What the hell did I do to deserve this on my day off (well, besides the dead hooker jokes, which were mostlys RCR's).

I wanted to go exploit, errrr, I mean hire a day laborer to sand the awesome job I did on the drywall mud. But since it's been raining for 4 days and it's 100% humidity, the mudding I did in the bathroom (which I have pics of!) hasn't dried in a day and a half. W.T.F.

To add insult to injury, my internet is out. Luckily my cable still works, otherwise they might have to commit me. I called Comcast and they are supposed to send someone out on thursday. I insisted they send someone despite the phone monkey's diagnosis that is was only my ethernet cable.

Monkey: My computer shows that a signal is reaching your cable modem, so if you have no internet, the problem is somewhere beteween your modem and your computer. The problem is probably your ethernet wire. Why don't you buy another one and try that and see if it works.

Ninja: Look, It's not the enternet cable. The internet was working fine, there was a lightning strike and then it wasn't working anymore.

Monkey: It's possible the lightning damaged the wire. Why don't you change it before we schedule someone to come out there.

Ninja: It's not the wire man. It's something outside the house, trust me.

Monkey: How do you know it's not the wire?

Ninja: Physics.

Monkey: Excuse me???

NInja: It was working fine before the lightning strike. Then it wasn't anymore. It's theoritically possible that lightning struck my house, bypassed my tv, went to the cable box, jumped over it, then fried the ethernet cable, but stopped right before it got to my Mac, but I seriously doubt it. I think the problem is at the drop pole.

Monkey: The what?

Ninja: The drop pole. WHen cable signals go from the headend to your house, the last point before the drop line goes to your house is the drop pole, which is where the problem probably is. [Ed note: before I was a derivatives lawyer, I used to represent a lot of cable companies]

Monkey: So you don't want to try changing the ethernet wire.

So if all goes well, I might be back online by Thursday. No email till them. Crap!
I should go get someone to help me with the sanding tomorrow (meaning I'll pay him to do it while I watch). But I don't know yet. I not crazy about hiring day laborers. I know they work hard, but it's really depressing seeing all those desperate people lining up to get picked for work. They must look that much more depressing when it's raining.

I usually pay them well and buy them lunch, but I hate dealing with that human misery. If I wanted to deal with human misery all day, I would go teach math in the public schoools.


Stef said...

This reminds me of one of those bad computer customer service calls but in reverse. You know the ones -- "Hello? My cupholder is not working." "Your cupholder?" "Yes, the one that comes out of my computer tower with a round hole in it for my coffee." "You mean your CD drive??!?!?!?!?" "No, I mean my cupholder."

Good luck betting on Comcast's skillz. And I hope that drywall lives up to its name soon!

media concepts said...

Grasshopper, you have learned well your cable tv. It sounds like the Monkey had previously worked with Arlen Specter on the Warren Commission to develop the single bullet theory for the JFK assassinatin, or maybe she co-wrote the Keith Hernandez "second spitter" Seinfeld episode.

Twoste said...

Those people can be functionally retarded sometimes. This is what we get for doing business with a monopoly.
But then, would we be guaranteed HBO? I can't live without my constant re-reruns and channels that I have to pay for but never watch. *sigh*

m.a. said...

What does a derivatives lawyer do? I hung out with three lawyers this weekend and I'm more fascinated than ever by the variety in your careers. (This fascination will last for like 24 more hours)

Raincouver said...

Ninja... excellent post! Math in public school... dead hooker reference... monkey getting schooled... hillarious!

What's not hillarious is all the flooding in the city. Maybe I should go see that Gore movie after all.

Liberal Banana said...

You said "hooker" and "monkey" in the same post - I think I love you! I've mentioned both in my blog in the last two days! We're like twins from another mother...or something.

Anonymous said...

This isn't the first and probably won't be the last time I get blamed for dead hookers. Jokes, I mean... dead hooker jokes. Ahem.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

stef, it's really frustrating. I don't mind dealing with a call centre in India, but if they are paying these people less than americans, why hasn't my cable bill gone down?

By the way everyone, Matt (aka Wayne) is too humble to say so, but he's actually one of the top cable lawyers in whole country. I wish I was making that up, but I'm not. In my own claim to fame, I have a footnote in the Harvard Law Review. Harvard, babay!

twoste, I agree that Comcast sux. Luckily it was never a client of mine or Matt's. If they were, maybe they'd be able to keep my internet on.

momentary academic: I'd explain what I do, but I'm not really sure I understand it myself. I mostly shuffle paper around, tell people "no", and murmur questions like "how are they delta hedging that?"

raincouver, the only thing worse than getting rained in is spending two hours listening to Al Bore. Why don't you watch Superman or something?

liberalbanana: we could be related, Poppa was a rolling stone...but if we're not, then you can marry me. Do you wanna raise our kids Catholic, or do you want them to burn in hell?

rcr, just remember your 4th amendment caselaw. They can do a Terry search of the inside of your car without probable cause, but not the trunk. Jus' sayin...

media concepts said...

aka Wayne Was a top cable lawyer in the country, thank you. I have left the law, at least for now, because I am much too humble. And because I did not like writing in a moldy box created hundreds of years ago by Englishmen with monocles and sideburns connected to their mustaches. I'm working on getting paid to write things that are more interesting than, and hopefully as creative as, legal briefs, memos and threatening letters. Outside of a baseball dugout, firehouse or police precint, sideburns and mustaches should not even share the same face, let alone meet.