Friday, August 03, 2007

C'mon Gentrification

Well, DC's first Target store continues to tease me like a stripper between the first and second song of her set. The outside looks like it's done, so I don't know when it will be finished, but I am avoiding trips to the Virginia Target on principle (and also because I'm lazy and Alexandria, VA might as well be Cincinatti Ohio, as far as I'm concerned. Do they even have indoor plumbing in Alexandria? I don't know, but I'm not eager to find out since Target is coming to me soon, so why bother).

There is also a Washington Sports Club being built there. I'm currently a member of Gold's Gym, but when the WSC is built, I'll probably join so that I can have a gym that's closer to home which I won't go to.

I can't help but notice how bland and gentrified they plan on making my neighborhood...I love it. I hope it ends up looking like Bethesda because my fortress would be worth a meelyun bucks in Bethesda. Then I would sell it and move to Fiji, buy an island, and have the natives carve my face into the active volcano. They would worship me as a god because my cigarette lighter would convince them that I am the reincarnation of the Volcano God. It's gonna be friggin' sweet!

In other news, I was on the train today reading THIS book, when I got to the part about Bernoulli's St. Petersburg Paradox, which has baffled mathematicians for over 200 years. I got on the metro at Columbia Heights and by the time I got off at Dupont Circle, 20 minutes later, I had solved the problem (in my head). I called a friend of mine who is a Quant and told him I had solved it and he said "really?!?" in a tone of disbelief that is usually reserved for when someone gives you their permission to nail their hot sister. I explained the solution and he said I was wrong and proceeded to explain why using math geek-speak. I learned a valuable lesson today. Just because someone has a Ph.D. in math, doesn't mean they know what the hell they are talking about.


  1. When I eventually go into business for myself, I'm going to have this article framed and hanging in the employee cafeteria. Some guy got upset that two of his workers were demanding a raise, so he killed them. Yep, he killed them raise, dammit!!! All I can say is that is one tough negotiator.
  2. Today is Bush's lucky day. With all the sheep reporting on a bridge collapsing in the middle of nowhere, no one is paying attention to his incompetent handling of the war, his Attorney General's perjury, or his top aide's refusal to obey a legal subpoena. I bet he popped open a big bottle of champaign when he heard about all those dead folks.
  3. In other news, it turns out that Mikhail Gorbachev is a cross dresser. Would you buy a purse from him? If not, it's probably because you're a bigot. Why do you assume that old, fat, bald russian men have no fashion sense? I know why...cuz you're a bigot!
  4. In still other news, someone in a country that speaks a language I don't understand, linked to and translated one of my posts. I am now, officially, a published author who's works have been translated into other languages. Some place in europe there are people right now talking about Die Hauptverbesserung Ninja. I wish I could hear what they are saying, but it wouldn't make a difference since I wouldn't understand a word they are saying. Does anyone know what language that is?
Sorry for the disjointed post folks, but you get what you pay for. For next week, absent objections, I'm gonna post some more Adventures in Law. In the next episode: A job offer from a dead guy (no, really!).


Muskego Jeff said...

Since I was able to use a website to translate it back to English, I'll say it is German.

Here's the first paragraph, translated from English to German and then from German to English:

Well drives Ikea awayto make, endless fodder available for bloggers like me. Forwards I was unite there Sundays with my friend Including to select and waive, to some kitchen cabinets. The same cabinets, in this Post are . I did not want to explain history without permission, but, now there I have them, here we go. First of all, I hate IKEA. Each weekend there are thousands of people and each particular from them is there in my way. Every time.

Anonymous said...

Only Germans can make words that long.

Rambler said...

I liked your question to zandria, kind of tried to answer it myself, wanted to thank you for the nice experience I had remembering the childhood.

John said...

Definately German. A terrible translation back to English though; one of those online "translators"?

In case you're wondering, you're funny in German too.

As for long words, the Greeks are pretty bad too.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Jeff: I actually like that version better then the original. It's like reading Shakespeare or the Canterburry Tales.

Anonymous: what about the Dutch. Damn them and their long words.

Rambler: You're welcome. maybe somebody will turn it into a meme.

John: Thanks. I think everything is funnier in German. Even if I can't understand it, I like the funny letters. It's like prop comedy, but with words.

Anonymous said...

I heard on the CH Messageboard that the new Target is supposed to be finished by the end of the summer. I don't know what you need from there, but can it wait?

SciWonk said...

Love the blog, Ninja. As you know, Target has an uncanny ability to steal all your money. Delay that trip for as long as you can!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm a nerd... I love German. But I'm having issues with "hauptverbesserung". Home is Haus, Hause or Heim. Haupt means main or principal. Verbesserung is improvement, so that's fine, but Haupt... This sounds wrong to me (though I'm certainly not fluent). Any native German speakers out there who can clarify this?

JulieGong said...

I love saying Bethesda. It turns me on.

Anonymous said...

Oddly enough, Cincinnati has a large German population.

JoJo said...

I'm hoping the DC Target opens up soon too! Perhaps then, the Alexandria Target will be less crowded and then I'll be able to spend less time in there, thus spending less money. I know my logic is flawed...

BTW, we do have plumbing in Alexandria.

Anonymous said...

But its outhouses.

Anonymous said...

Yes, indoor plumbing is so 20th century.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anonymous: I saw they pushed the date back. Bastards!

SciWonk: Thanks for the compliment. I'm trying to delay Target as long as possible.

Juju Bean: Yeah, the online translator has something different for Haupt. Curious.

Julie_Gong: Really? You're a trophy wife in the making.

Anonymous: That sounds suspicious, we should investigate.

JoJo: so everyone wants the new Target then!

Tarr: heheheheh

Anonymous: I wish you told me that before I redid my bathroom.

The Naked Newlywed said...

Hey Ninja, I'm diggin your blog. And although we may not have indoor plumbing on this side of the Potomac, we can get to the watering hole without having to dodge bullets.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

DD: Thanks. I've been reading your blog on and off for a few months now. It's very well done.

Lara Ziobro said...

Yes, that tar-jay has been mighty slow in arriving. However, gotta admit to being a big fan of the Alexandria Target. That's a fabulous strip you know... Shopper's Food Warehouse is dirt cheap. And you can stop in at Hops and get some fabulous honey rolls... mmmmmm. That's my idea of a shopping trip.

(But then again, I'm now one of those people tainted by living life in the VA...)

The Speaker of the House said...

When people bitch about gentrification, they really ought to be bitching about property tax structuring. The awesome neighborhood-getting-better, property-values-going-up, crack-lady-with-the-crooked-wig-dissapearing part of gentrification can't come fast enough. Its just the rising prop taxes that suck. So, restructure prop taxes to be a sliding percentage of purchase price/re-appraisal applied universally to the whole city and everybody would be happy.