Thursday, August 23, 2007

Does Big Gay Al have a Little Gay Dog?

The other day I heard the screech of tires and a crash outside the ninja fortress. It was a car crash, and I automatically assumed that the drivers were women. I didn't assume that both drivers were women because women are bad drivers (even though it's true), but rather because both cars were "chick cars". One was a mini-cooper and the other was a Volkswagen Cabriolet. But I was wrong., wrong. NOT A TYPO!

There was actually a dude driving the Volkswagen. The guy was limping when he got out of the car, so I'm assuming he sprained his vagina in the accident, because no man with actual male genitalia would be caught dead driving a cabriolet unless he was driving his girlfriend to the gynecologist. There is a reason that I bring this up though. It turns out that women are not really as bad at navigating as was previously thought. I know that some of you are reading this and thinking "HomeImprovementNinja has said some foolish things in his life, but surely he's kidding about this". But I'm not. I didn't bother to read to the whole article, but the gist of it was that scientists something something blah blah blah, and women might be able to navigate as well as a man, even though if they were doing it for a living, they would only make 81% as much as a man who does it. So if I was wrong about women's navigation skillz, then maybe I was wrong about whether men can drive a Cabriolet and still be real men. And maybe a friend of mine was wrong about a man being able to own a small dog and not appear gay. Hmmmm. Maybe a poll is in order?

I was thinking very seriously about adopting a dog. I had thought seriously about a small dog because the ninja fortress doesn't have a yard, so it would be easier with a small dog that didn't need a lot of exercise because if I get one of those big dogs that needs to jog, then I'll just tie it to the bumper of my car when I run my errands and will probably get in trouble with the dog nazis.

I found a dog I liked on a dog rescue site. I figured that if I spared the dog from certain death, that it would pledge it's undying dog loyalty to me and serve me until one day (maybe in the heat of a great battle against a much larger and well equipped army) it saved my life and repaid the debt of honor. Then it would look at me knowingly and bow imperceptibly, then walk off into the sunset with it's sqweeky octopus toy in it's mouth. I mean, I know it's a little unrealistic because before a small dog like a Jack Russell Terrier could hold it's own in a combat situation I would have to give it extensive martial arts training. And how good can a little dog get since I can't even teach it some Northern Eagle Claw kung fu because it has no fingers. Anyway, while I debated whether or not to get the dog, someone (who's probably completely straight) adopted it. So I've been thinking about another dog and asking people their opinions. Since the answer to everything can be found on the internets, I will open it up for discussion, and probably disregard the results if I don't agree with it. Soooooo...imaginary people, what say you about small dogs?

Small Dogs, Gay or Hetero?
Are Small Dogs Gay?

Yes, small dogs are gay, and you are gay for even wanting one.
No, small dogs are not gay, you're friend is crazy
Only certain small dogs are gay, but other small dogs aren't
Only cats are gay, dogs of any size are hetero
Gay looking depends on the guy walking the dog, not the dog
You know what's gay? Internet polls, that's what's gay. That and gay porn.
I don't understand how electronic polls work. How do I vote for Al Gore?


Anonymous said...

I don't think that small dogs are gay, but since you said women are bad drivers, I voted gay on your poll. I bet that accident was the man's fault!

Velvet said...

There are too many choices in that poll! It's Gay or Not Gay, simple as that. I promise to not vote more than once, as with the gay shirt.

Look dude, you are GAY. You have one foot out of the closet. You have to admit this. Small dogs and orange turtlenecks today, blazers, sunglasses and women-bashing blogs tomorrow, comes out of the closet by Christmas. Back that shit up!

Anonymous said...

small dogs aren't gay..silly..
they are European...

Anonymous said...

Let's consider the difference between being gay and acting gay. If a gay man decides that he wants a dog, and he goes out and buys the dog he wants -- rather than spending weeks and months pondering the significance of said purchase to his standing in the vast social hierarchy -- then that gay man is less gay than you are. Yes, even if he chooses to name that dog Sparkles and drives it around in his shiny white Cabriolet, singing expressively (perhaps with a slight lisp) to George Michael's greatest hits. He's still less gay than you are.

Lara Ziobro said...

I don't think a mini's a chick car. Just my $0.02.

And if you do get a dog, I'm totally jealous. Renting apartments just isn't quite conducive to getting a dog. Argh!

Ashburnite said...

I think it really depends on the dog. Some long-haired, prissy, overly groomed dog is gay. But something like a Min Pin isn't. That's actually a very manly dog- just small.

Unknown said...

Dude, didn't you see the car chase in the Bourne Supremacy? He was driving a Mini and totally rocked it with all his ungay spy machismo. Sure his girlfried died in the process, but the point is he proved that a man can look GOOD driving a mini.

JoJo said...

Aren't small dogs really rats disguised as canines? IMO, if a dog fits in a doggie carrier it's not a real dog.

Velvet said...

I didn't even mention the whole issue of the small dog getting lost in the vortex of the never ending construction project you call "the Ninja Fortress." You have a hole in your kitchen wall big enough to fit a party pack of burritos in, so why would you get a dog who would only become part of "the foundation?"

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Kelly: vote with your concscience!

Velvet: Last poll was criticized for not enough choices. Everybody's a critic. And I have too much va-jay-jay pron to switch now!

suicide_blond: I heart you.

Anonymous: Don't hold back. Share your feelings with the group.

LJ: Maybe not a mini, but a Cabriolet convertible?

Ashburnite: Wise words!

Leah: I haven't seen it because it's got Matt Damon in it.

JoJo: We're not talkin' a pomeranian here. I meant like a Jack Russell Terrier.

Velvet: Unless you're coming to help with the buildout, then shut your cake hole!

Anonymous said...

I told you a while back that Bryant Gumble has a tiny white fluffy dog (named Cujo) that he LOVES. And he certainly is NOT gay. Kelly Ripa and her very ungay husband, Marc Consuelos, just adopted a Shi Tzu (sp?) from the North Shore Animal League. Marc is NOT gay. Certain dogs, such as poodles, are better for people with allergies. As long as you don't have it cut to look gay, you won't look gay. When you see the dog you want and love, get it.


i say get the dog just remember that its like a having a child though. And you cant half ass a dog liek your kitchen that Velvet's talking about. Dogs need attention and oh yeah from the beginning you have to teach the dog that youre the pack leader. Its really true, if not then they will run all over you...maybe literally if thats your thing. Anyways, you have teach them whos the boss. You will get manipulated and never know it. So if you need any tips watch the Dog Whisperer on Discovery. Its a great show and the guy works wonders.
I have two dogs. A german shepard and a cutie Rat terrier. Oh yeah and the dog might get lonely. Its good to have them in pairs. got that?

Lola Gets said...

I dont think Jack Russell Terriers are gay, especially when you compare them to the smaller breeds like teacup Yorkies or freakin Chihuahuas. And I think a Jack Russell could hold its own in a war - those things are spazzy! AND theyre not good with kids!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Kathy from NJ: I'm not convinced that Bryant Gumbel isn't gay. I mean "Bryant" sounds like a gay british dude, doesn't it?

SAILOR MOON: Yeah, the responsibility sux. Why can't they use the toilet like the rest of my family?

Lola: Exactly! I wasn't going to get a teacup yorkie. I wanted a small-ish but masculine dog.

Melissa said...

Small dog often require just as much exercise as large dogs do. What you need is a large lazy breed, like a Mastiff or a Great Dane, or an older dog (think over 6). By that point they will have calmed down. A Jack Russell is a hunting dog. It needs just as much, if not more exercise, than a Lab or a Golden. If you do go for a small dog look for something with long hair. They tend to be more for show than function.

In light of this, the question of whether owning a small dog is irrelevant. Therefore, I'm not answering your poll.

The Speaker of the House said...

Seriously, I don't think this blog could get better than this post. My wife is trying to get me on board with a puggle (pug/beagle) mix for all the same tiny dog/tiny house reasons. I can deal with the beagle half, so I think if we can call it an Asian Snake Hound, I might be a step closer to enduring the humiliation of the Gay poll I would have to post as a result...

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to mention that the phrase "sprained his vagina" made me literally cackle out loud.

Not all small dogs are gay.* Don't get a toy poodle or anything similarly fluffy, is all.

* our bigger dog (100 pounds, the little one is 75) is totally gay though. As in, we're pretty convinced that he's an actual homosexual.