Saturday, May 12, 2007

Progress Report and Abandoned Blogsperiments

I'm going to be posting less over the summer because
  1. it's nice out and blogging requires me to stay inside;
  2. I'm making some house progress, but I need pics to show you and posting pics is hard, even with a MacBook, if you're as technologically ignorant as me;
  3. I have a job interview in NYC that I'm prepping for and if that job comes through, I may take it and quit blogging completely, so it might be good to cut down on it little by little;
  4. I'm busy with stuff that I don't blog about.
But...I will try to post once a week for the time being. To fill you in on future happenings on this site:
  1. Part 2 of the Ninja Mitzvah is almost finished. It's some of my finest work, which isn't saying much. You'll laugh, you'll will be like when Father Murphy had that tickle fight with you and the altar boys and decided to make it "shirts vs. skins" and things got weird all of a sudden.
  2. I'll post some pics of the Kitchen Cabinets so far and the structural issue I need to address before I go further. Farther? Ummm, before I proceed.
  3. I pick up the Tux on Wednesday, so I'll try to take pics and show you people. It's getting alterations now, so I don't know if it will require more than one fitting.
  4. I signed up for that Donald Trump "way to wealth" seminar, after watching the annoying infomercials. I don't plan on buying more real estate (or his program), but I figured it would be cool to meet The Donald, and then make inappropriate cliche'd jokes about his hair, and his fondness for eastern european models that are half his age on my blog. The seminar is next week.
In the meantime: when I was bored with this blog I thought of doing a few features (blog experiments) and see how they go. Ultimately, I abandoned them all because I'm too lazy, errr, busy to do them, but here are the abandoned blogsperiments and plausible excuses as to why I didn't go through with them. If someone else wants to do them I don't mind, as long as you give me credit. And by credit, I mean cash.

Blogebrity Impersonator: In this experiment, I was going to guest post on certain “in character” blogs as the person who’s writing the blog. For instance, I guest post on your blog, pretending to be you.

Why I decided against it: There were a few character driven blogs or blogs that had a Schtick that I wanted to guest post on (like El Guapo or Jordan Baker’s Friday Q&A), but the one celebrity impersonation that I think I would’ve been best at, The Anonymous Lawyer, turned it down. So without that blog, I decided against it. If I went ahead with it, it would like going to Florence and not being overcharged to see Michaelangelo’s David. It would be like going to a strip club and not being told “if you touch my breasticles again I’m gonna break your fingers.” You sorta need the defining experience to pull it off. Anyway, if you 'd like for me to do it, send Anonymous Lawyer some nasty emails until he agrees, then buy his book on Amazon, to make it up to him.

Celebrity Interviews: I thought some celebrity interviews would be a good way to eventually get Judy Greer or Rachel McHottie to call me. Since I don’t know any famous people, I figured I would call up other bloggers I know and have them answer my questions by pretending to be the celebrity and using only information contained in Wikipedia.

Why I decided against it: I dunno. It seems like a lot of work. Who would I get to do the interviews? What if I didn’t like the answers? What if the blogger wanted to be some other celebrity. For instance, who would want to be Rosie O’Donnel, even if it was only make believe. Plus, if I did it on the phone I’d have to write it down, if I did it by email, I couldn’t ask follow up questions. IM, maybe?

Figuring out Women: Since several women have told me that if you want to understand women you should watch Sex and The City, and since it’s on in reruns every day, I figured I would watch it everyday for a month and discuss my thoughts on the show like once a week or something.

Why I decided against it: I watched the show for a week and a half, then I started getting stomach pains. When I went to the emergency room, the doctor told me that I was growing an ovary and that I should never watch SATC again. He said I was extremely lucky that they caught it before it was irreversible. If I had watched Grey’s Anatomy instead, I would have grown a uterus, which is incurable. So luckily I watched the show that has the chick with the horse face instead.

This Blog Writes Itself: In an homage to the retired Diet Coke of Evil, I was gonna have people make suggestions about what I should write about, and then I would write about it. For instance, some one could say “tell us about the first time you ever tried alcohol” I would write about the time I was in High School at a house party and a cute girl wanted to do a shot of vodka with me (I had never even tried beer before that). And how I tried to down it like I’d seen in the movies, but the vodka burned my mouth and I spit it out all over her Madonna-inspired hoochie wear. You know, stuff like that.

Why I decided against it:
Felt too much like a Meme, which I don’t really do.

More Posts About Celebrities that I want to Nail: Although there are entire fan websites that do nothing but post pics and discussion about Judy Greer and Rachel McAdams, oops, McHottie, there are at least 8 other hotties on my Top 10 List of Celebrities that I would leave my future wife for. (Technically, I have 15 girls in my top 10 list, but I’m a lawyer so I can get away with stuff like that). So I thought about posting stuff about the other celebrities that I’m not-so-secretly in love with and why I want to nail them above everyone except 14 other women in the universe.

Why I decided against it: Eh? Do you really care about why I’d rather nail Eva Green than Angelina Jolie?


Anonymous said...

I care. I care deeply. Why WOULD you rather nail Eva Green than Angelina Jolie?

E :) said...

If you quit, I'm going to be pretty mad and I will, um, leave nasty comments on your blog for all eternity. So there.

Carrie M said...

if you quit, I will go to ninja school so I can appropriately challenge you to a ninja duel.

Rebecca said...

I agree with staying away from the 10/15 celebrities you would leave your future wife for. After all, she might eventually stumble upon this blog and that could cause problems. Unless you marry one of the people on your list, but then it could be like the whole Friends episode where Ross laminates his list and then meets and has a chance with the one person who got bumped...

Also, as far as me and my friends go, I think you can figure us out by watching Scrubs, thus maintaining your non-uterus state. Of course, it means you'd have to actually pay attention to all the parts with Eliot and Carla and not just ogle them...

Anonymous said...

The guest posting as someone else thing sounds interesting. You should do El Guapo. Skip Jordan Baker, her site is too pretentious.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

dagny: I already talked about my problems with Angelina (i.e. batshit crazy), but if you want to know what I see in Eva, see The Dreamers. The only sexy Disco Mitt in the history of the universe.

e:) that assumes I'd leave the site up.

carrie: by the time you finish your training, I'd have a new identity and you'd kill the wrong guy.

rebecca: I've only seen that show once. I can't get past the fact that it has Zack Braff on it. It's like the douchebag version of ER.

anon: I'll take it under advisement.

Anonymous said...

I miss Diet Coke of Evil. That was a good blog. I will miss you too if you go to NY, but I won't miss you that much because I still get to talk to you and all. And we can have brunch in NY instead of disgusting D.C.

Anonymous said...

Quit blogging? Move to NYC? Donald Trump seminar? What kind of heartless mouth-breathing bastard are you? Stop playing with my emotions and whatnot (especially the whatnot...that's uncalled for).

How dare you, sir.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with the job interview. Look at you, thinking about going to New York! :)