Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The One Where I Kill My Roommate...Sort of.

There are times when I regret being a nice guy—like yesterday, for instance. My rodent foe had been clever enough to avoid the poisons and glue traps until yesterday. I walked into my place after a night of swing dancing and I saw the li’l bastard stuck to the glue trap. And he was still alive. He was about the size of my thumb and squirmed when he saw me; at times I thought he would break free from the glue trap. The glue trap had incapacitated him, but he was still alive. I knew I had to kill him, but how? Although I hated this mouse more than a hippie hates deodorant, I had to do something. But is there really a humane way to kill something? After surveying my surroundings for the least painful way to kill the mouse, I decided he would die by…bludgeoning.

I picked up a stick and whacked him once. He SCREAMED bloody murder. The shrieks from that little thumb-sized terrorist were deafening. I really can’t fathom how serial killers torture and kill animals, then move onto people when they get older. How can someone enjoy something like this? I was trying to euthanize this thing (who I hated) and I was still wracked with guilt at its pain. (Damn you, Catholic Church and your guilt!) I don’t know what happened between my last physical checkup and yesterday, but somewhere in between I grew some ovaries and uterus, because if I can’t kill a mouse, then how can I be a real man? I whacked it a few more times and the screams that I thought couldn’t get worse, did get worse…a lot worse. Then they stopped.

Then I noticed how small he was and surprised to see that my learned foe was so small. Then I saw IT. Another mouse, slightly larger ran by and hid. BASTARD!

It was Sho Kosugi. I had killed his apprentice, but the master still lived…and he was now wise to my tricks. This weekend, we’ll have to switch to snap traps to kill him. If he learns my secret techniques, I’ll just come up with new ones.

I thought I would be happy or at least relieved when the apprentice mouse died, but the fact that *I* killed him instead of the trap filled me with guilt and remorse instead. Well, at least there no tears. ‘Cuz that would be fcuked up. There’s a fine line between being less of a man, and being an actual woman…and that line is crossed when you cry over a dead mouse.

When I told Johnny Vegas about the incident, he tried to make me feel worse about it.

Ninja: Yeah…that screaming was freaky man. It was like it was screaming “you
better kill me, fcuker, because when I break free from this glue, I’m kicking
your ass!”

JV: Well, it was trapped in glue and being bludgeoned to
death. More likely it was screaming “oh please don’t kill me…we’re all god’s

Ninja: Asshole.

So, in order to pay Vegas back for his guilt trip, we will mock him for the next paragraph. Once upon a time (meaning yesterday) Johnny Vegas was running out the door to go the gym. At the door were two bags. One containing his gym clothes and another containing garbage. [yadda yadda yadda] Vegas drives to the gym with a bag of garbage in his new car. The end.

Anyway…stay tuned. Hopefully I’ll kill Sho Kosugi by next week.

Unless he runs to the mountains, trains in a new style of Shaolin Kung Fu and comes back to challenge me to a duel to the death. Yeah, that would be fcuked up.


JoJo said...

I guess this is the difference between those of us blessed with ovaries and uteruses and those that have none. I would have tossed said glued on mouse into the nearest dumpster and forgot about him.

JordanBaker said...

I'm with JoJo on this one. Let the feral kitties have their way with the bastard.

Jessica said...

I prefer the reusable traps that look like gigantic jumper cable clamps. I think they're more humane, as they almost invariably kill upon clamping, and make for easy disposal as well.

How I, the only girl in my law school group house, became an expert in rodent elimination, escapes me.

dara said...

I was even worse than JoJo -- I got someone else to get rid of the mouse in the trap for me.

It's hard to believe that something so small can make so much noise.



Scout said...

I'm having the same problem with a mouse. My housekeeper said the glue traps were best - but there was no way I could see myself killing the squirming booger if I snagged it. I figured I'd but it under the wheel of my car and back over it. But so far I'm using the old fashioned snap traps - but the mouse (caught one) still eludes me. Damn. Jane

Anonymous said...

The snap traps still cause you to have a little guilt but a lot less because they do not have to die by your hands. It is sort of like resting the anvil on the slightly cracked door. You just put it there you do not push the person through the door.

Snap Traps Man Snap Traps

E :) said...

I'm incapable of killing anything. I can't even bring myself to kill a bug with spray. This makes me not only overtly female but also seriously deranged methinks...

Melissa said...

There's a mouse issue in my neighborhood too, I have no idea what is going on. Did they get bussed in somehow? Are we on a mouse/rat integration program?

I had a mouse once when I lived in my parents house. That little fucker (oh wait, can I swear here?) was so resourceful, we could have done a movie (pre-Stuart Little) on how clever he was.

He took my blowpop off the kitchen table, unwrapped it, ate some, then carried it about 15 feet around the length of the kitchen counter where he feasted behind the microwave for a few nights. He met his demise in the condensation trap for the ice maker. My mother was so disgusted she threw out the entire refrigerator.

Then another one of his friends got the cheese out of the trap, got caught in the trap, dragged his bloody body across the living room back to the hole he crawled out from, leaving a trail of blood across the rug. The trap was propped up at the wall where his escape was. When we finally caught that one, my brother said, "You know, I was starting to like him." Agreed. He was smart.

m.a. said...

I look forward to the conclusion of your ninjatastic tale.

Twoste said...

Scorpion! FINISH HIM!
No, but seriously, get a cat. They're lovely and they eat those mice right up. Problem solved. Exterminator, terminator, and morals not required.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

jojo: hell hath no fury...

jordan: ouch. you're not one of those kind, nurturing gals, are you?

BA: I bought a few regular traps. Those resuable plastic ones were "kid safe" and that doesn't seem deadly enough for my tastes.

dara: yeah. I was expecting a squeek, but that was really disturbing.

kiki: If it's got mice in it, I don't want to see it.

scout: I put on disposable gloves to get rid of it.

saple: they are on the way. This other mouse is too smart for the glue or poison.

e: Maybe you have a 3rd ovary or something?

velvet: I respekt his skillz, but he still must die. It's like the Pai Mei/Hung Hsi Kwan battle in Executioners from Shaolin.

MA: So do I.

Twoste: Good job. Not many people would recognize the picture as coming from The Five Deadly Venoms. (one of the top 5 kung fu flicks in History).

Derek said...

I used to drown them when I caught them with the glue traps. I drowned a few my cat wouldn't kill too. It only takes 10 seconds, and it's a lot quieter. We have a cat, and we haven't had a mouse in the house we're in now.

Gary said...

Come on Ninja. Are you a man or a mouse?

Squeak up!

Anonymous said...

I once caught one in the copy machine at the office..this method worked well because it made the whole thing the responsibility of the copy machine repair guy..who was a i didnt mind calling him one bit..have to say though..after watching him kinda puke in his mouth a little...he wasnt that hot anymore..

Analyst Catalyst said...

Hmm. This intruder is indeed a worthy adversary.

To combat him, I suggest something along the lines of a crowbar and a blow torch.

Mari said...

What kind of ninja are you if you can't kill a mouse? Turn in your pointy stars.
I've caught a dozen mice on the glue traps. 1- take an empty yogurt cup. 2-Cover mouse on trap with cup. 3- Put mouse, cup and trap in a plastic grocery bag. 3- Toss in outside trash. 4- Go back to watching TV. Sometimes I skip the yogurt cup and just toss it in a bag. It will sufficate or die from fear, as one mouse did when I left him in a pail until I could figure out how to kill him. Lil bastard died just when I decided to drown him in a cheap 40 oz.

Anonymous said...

NEXT TIME, just put the glue trap, complete with squirming mouse, in a small Ziplock bag and seal it tightly, squeezing out as much of the air as possible before discarding. This way (1) the mouse dies relatively humanely of oxygen deprivation and (2) no feral kitting will be harmed by the glue trap

Anonymous said...

Can you come to my work to take care of our mouse problem? :)

Melissa said...

Hey. I'm getting your emails and responding to every one, and it seems you aren't getting them. But I'm not mad at you. I don't know what is going on! Your work is keeping my emails! And I'm not fucking swearing, I fucking promise.

Anonymous said...

I agree with tossing the mouse in the can.

It sounds to me like you really are a sissy if you couldn't even bludgeon something the size of your thumb. Did you use a penicl to hit it? Just wondering :)

Anonymous said...

I have a kick boxing coach come to my house twice a week for two hours at a time. Yes, he can kick my butt, but I do okay, if you know what I mean. i.e. you wouldn't want to try to steal my handbag. That being said, I could so much easier punch you (ahem, I mean the robber of course) in the nose than I could bludgeon a little mouse. Oh no....that definitely crosses the line. People like you should be put away for a good long time to reflect on their actions;-)

HomeImprovementNinja said...

derek: that could work. I have like a meelyun empty compound buckets laying around.

Gary: It's not that easy to kill something that is squeeking horribly. Maybe if it made an evil hiss, it would be easier.

suicide_blond: having someone take care of it for me is not one of my options, unfortunatelty,

Analyst Catalyst: he's going down, one way or another.

Mari: drown him with a 40 oz? what a way to go!

Anonymous: that's a little closer than I want to get to a live mouse.

michelle: I'd rather have you take care of mine.

Velvet: okay...I left you a voicemail.

Julie_Gong: I'm all man baby! The only thing not macho about me is 1) my fear of needles; 2) my aversion to killing mice; and 3) the time I got my ass kicked by a swan.

Maryam in Marrakesh: Yeah. It's different when it's a small creature screaming bloody murder.

Anonymous said...

Real Women kill mice with one blow!!!

TooMuchCoffeeLady said...

Do like the grandma in Flowers in the Attic and leave out doughnuts sprinkled with arsenic. Except unlike her, just use them to kill mice, not children.

Anonymous said...

i boiled some water, put it in a bucket, and dumped the lil bastard in there. he'd grown so bold he used to walk right over my feet while i was watching tv. he just didn't care. turned out "he" was a female, and bout to "litter" my place with 6-10 more little bastards. boiling water was the quickest one so far, for the mouse anyway. i didn't enjoy it so much. i used to feel bad, but that quickly went from annoyance to anger and now *i* don't care, just want 'em gone.

Anonymous said...

I turned a plastic bag inside out (it was in a glue trap) I think maybe next time I will use the asphixiation method- but I hit it's head with a hammer.