Weekend Recap

Well I didn’t get much done this weekend, and by “much” I mean nothing. Still, as far as weekends where you veg out go, it wasn’t so bad. I’ll try to do an actual plumbing post (with pics!) this week as penance. Damn you, Catholic Guilt!

I ALMOST did some actual work when, in a fit of perpetual boredom, I called a DC blogger I know and offered to fix her toilet. And, no, that’s not a euphemism for sex. But at this point, I'm so demoralized about the progress of my house that I’d rather work on other people’s houses (or do nothing) than work on my own place. Anyway, she is fun to hang out with because I enjoy her blog and she tells me the back story (or deleted scenes) to a lot of what goes on in her blog. It’s like the “Directors Cut” of the DVD, or watching the “deleted scenes” or “blooper reel” on the bonus DVD of Dude Where’s My Car.

Maybe I need a vacation? Maybe I need to get the Ninja Stock Picking blog operational?

Speaking of the alternate blog, I think I’ll finally set it up soon….no, really. As part of my research I went to the Library last week and this week. I got a library card. I feel like I’m in the fifth grade, except I’m allowed to drive to the library. There was a newsletter and a book that I needed to look at for my next Ninja Stock Pick. Now, I know what you’re about to say. Why don’t you just buy the book, Ninja? What are you, cheap or something?

No. The book I wanted is out of print, so Amazon doesn’t sell it. I tried to find it on eBay and it turns out the book sells for almost $1,200. I have a problem with that. I’ve almost never read a book more than once, and even if I read it everyday, I don’t see how any book could possibly be worth $1,000, even if it had nekkid pics of Judy Greer on every page.

As for the newsletter, it’s Value Line, which Warren Buffet swears by. It’s a great newsletter, but the subscription is $600 a year (and a few hundred more if you want to access the online stuff too). Again, even if Value Line was all about Judy Greer, it still would seem kinda steep. Besides, I don’t use it to generate ideas for Ninja Stock Picks, but only to get some objective analysis of my ideas and see if I’m on the right track. Which I am. Furthermore, although I like you imaginary readers, I don't see myserlf spending a couple of thousands bucks of my money and several hours of my time a week so that I can pick stocks to make you rich when you won't even send me free beer or buy me t-shirts with pop-culture references like "vote for Pluto".

The One Where I Pontificate About Home Buying

I saw this article on the Real Estate Market, which I thought was interesting. Except for this part: "High prices are sewing the seeds of their own demise." It's sowing, as in "what ye sow, so shall ye reap." How the hell does someone sew seeds. Moron! Anyway, back to my twisted diatribe.

I’ve been saying the housing markets were due for a correction since ’03, but like the tech boom, I underestimated the ability of people to push a bubble to extremes. While I suck at predicting market tops (in stocks or real estate) I’m actually pretty good at predicting bottoms. After the tech crash in 2001, one of my aunts called me and said she was selling her mutual funds and asked if I thought that was a good idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea for old people to buy risky stocks in the first place, but I told her to empty out her bank accounts and buy more instead of selling. Of course, she ignored my advice because, like everyone else, they buy when the price goes up and panic when the price goes down. If she had listened to me, I’d have started this post with “let me tell you about why I’m my rich aunt’s favorite nephew.”

I think housing markets suffered from the same problem as dot com or tech stocks. People were seeing prices rise so rapidly that they felt they HAD to get in before they were priced out forever. Instead of being cautious when prices rose, it made them more eager to buy. But what Warren Buffet says about stocks applies to real estate too. “The dumbest reason in the world to buy a [house] is because the price went up.” Conversely, the dumbest reason not to buy a house is because the price is falling.

You see, when every body thinks the same thing, they are usually wrong because most people are idiots. Although I bought the ninja fortress even though I wasn’t confident about the housing market, I think that since everyone is predicting bad things for the housing market, now (or very soon) would actually be a good time to buy. When feckless homebuilders and desperate flippers are trying to unload their homes at bargain prices, buying actually makes a lot of sense. You don’t become rich like Warren Buffet or Donald Trump by buying high and trying to sell higher, so don’t panic if prices come down a bit. That’s a great buying opportunity.
Damn, this is very informative but not very funny, I shoulda’ saved this for my ninja investing blog.

The One Where My Sister Comes to Visit

Since I still hadn’t killed the mouse, I was worried about my sister visiting. I don’t think she bought the story about the little piles of poison I had the kitchen being blue breadcrumbs from some exotic dish I made. My sister’s a bad cook, but not even she will believe that.

Still, despite my not being able to kill the ninja mouse, (which I have named “Sho Kosugi”) yet, I thought we should make the most of the time she was here. So I decided to show her some sites. We got up reaaaaaallly early and got tickets for the inside of the Washington Monument. We were there ½ hour before the ticket place opened, but still only managed to snag afternoon tix, so a word to the wise: show up early.





I got a couple of extra tix and my friend Paddy McShamrock and his girlfriend met us there. They hadn’t been inside before either. Needless to say, going to a giant phallic symbol with your sister is weird, to say the least, but if you don’t think of the Washington Monument as a 600 foot long penis, the time just flies by. Nonetheless, I am sure that this episode will eventually come up in a therapy session at some point.

Then we went to the SPY Museum, which was totally worth the $15 it costs to get in. Most of the Government run museums in DC are free, but they still can’t get people to go because they suck. This one charges a lot, but there is long line to get in. Free market capitalism wins again! Suck it, socialists!

One thing I thought was really interesting about the Spy Museum was that they had an exhibit on spies throughout history. And what was histories greatest spy? You guessed it:


Is there anything a Ninja can’t do? Mad Skillz!!!













Then we went to the FDR Memorial

I don’t care if you know the DJ, if you ain’t on the VIP list, you’re not getting in!








By the way, despite having 2 kids and never setting foot in a gym my sister has trouble gaining weight. She says she wants to put on 10 lbs “so I don’t look like a crackhead”. This is why my niece is very lucky, she’s inheriting these ninja genetics.





Lincoln Memorial. Lincoln was one of America’s greatest tyrants…after FDR, of course. America’s 3 greatest presidents were Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson and Calvin Coolidge.


If you don't agree with me, that's okay. It probably means your a terrorist, a cannibal or pedophile, but you're entitled to your opinion, Osama.

The One Where I Do Some Actual Work For a Change

Well, since my sister was visiting I decided to install some shades in the master bedroom. I know what you’re thinking: You mean you just walk around in your tighty whities without having actual window shades. Yes, I do. Part of the reason that Ninja Fortress is so secure is that burglars are deterred because when they see me in my tighty whities, they are either so intimidated by my musculature that they dare not break in, or laugh so hard at the image of a grown man in tighty whities that they fall off the ladder and break their necks. This, as Sun Tzu would say, is the art of fighting without fighting. Nevertheless, I did some actual work this week (and figured a way to upload my (new) pics even though my compy still doesn’t have internet access.

While, I still can’t figure out how to get my old pics off there by burning them to a CD(“’Error Type 6’…huh? well at least it wasn’t Error Types 1-5, that would be fcuked up…I think”), but I can now upload new pics so we will reduce our diet of random libertarian rants and ninja news and hopefully do more actual home improvement stuff.


BEFORE










AFTER









Damn, I rock without even trying.

The One Where I Get My Driveway Back

When we last left our protagonist, he was about to do something stupid—as usual. For the first part of this story, see yesterday’s post. Since I was furious, I thought (not so) seriously about throwing a giant cinderblock through his windshield and setting his car on fire. Even thinking about it now, makes me happy. But I remembered all the creative comments and the one about the fish really spoke to me. You know, putting a fish in his engine block so the untraceable smell will destroy him.

I looked in my freezer and all I had were some salmon steaks. I hated this guy’s car, but at $19 a pound from the Yuppiemart, that would be a very expensive practical joke.





Passive aggressiveness has a price people, and I decided that price would be $1.69. Soooooo, I opened up a can of tuna and made my way to the trespassing auto.







As I made my to his car with the dripping can of revenge, Starvin Marvin saw me. I was busted fish-handed. I threw out the open can of Tuna and went to lay the law of my driveway down to Starvin Marvin.

Ninja: Look man, I tried to be a nice guy and left a note on your windshield. You read the note, and STILL left your car in my driveway. Now it’s time for you to get your car out of my driveway.

Starvin’ Marvin: Yes, but I moved my car to the side so you can get by.

Ninja: That doesn’t matter. If I left a box of weights in your doorway and told you to step around it, would you be okay with that? I don’t want to drive around your car. What if I hit it?

Starvin’ Marvin: I’ll take responsibility.

Ninja: Oh really? I have a better idea…MOVE YOUR FCUKING CAR!

Starvin’ Marvin: Why are you being like this

Ninja: because it’s my driveway. You don’t live here, you don’t even live on this block. MOVE THE CAR NOW or I’m towing it.


Starvin’ Marvin: But my friend said I could park here.

Ninja: Yeah? Well guess what? Your friend can’t give you permission to park someplace that he doesn’t own…MOVE YOUR CAR.

Starvin Marvin: But I can't put in the street becasue my temporary tags have expired.

Ninja: Well, you know where else you can't put it? In my driveway. MOVE YOUR CAR.

This went on for several minutes. The more he tried to negotiate, the more intransigent I became. I’m not hear to haggle over melons in an Ethiopian farmers market. I want my driveway, with no car in it, and nothing else. I kept threatening to call the cops and tow truck and the guy was scared sh1tless. He obviously doesn’t know how useless the DC Police are and assumed that the DC Police were like the police in the Ethiopia where they come, flip a coin to decide who’s right and shoot the other guy.

Starvin’ Marvin: Why can’t you be a nice guy and let me leave it here ‘till tomorrow.

Ninja: The last time I was a nice guy and parked my car in the street, I got a $50 ticket. So if you want me to be a nice guy, give me $50 and you can park here for the next 8 hours.

Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $50.

Ninja: Too bad. Then move your car.

Starvin’ Marvin: But—

Ninja: Okay, now it’s $100.

Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $100 eith—

Ninja: THEN MOVE YOUR CAR NOW.

So after a few minutes of “negotiation” the deal we reached was that Starvin Marvin would move his car and I wouldn’t call the cops on him (again).

So, the story has a happy ending (for me, which is what matters). I got my driveway back, and he hasn’t been back since. I don’t know what ever became of Starvin’ Marvin, and frankly I don’t really care. As long as my parachute opens, fcuk him and his car with the expired temp tags!

The One Where Starvin' Marvin Blocks My Driveway

Well, I guess that I should fill you in on the episode with the car blocking my driveway. I didn’t do it last week partly because I’m lazy and partly because I can’t even think of it without getting my blood boiling.



Now, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know how sensitive/territorial I am about my driveway. despite all the yelling, there was no danger of a fist fight like there was with the Hondurans who got up in my grill. The culprit, a skinny Ethiopian who we’ll call “Starvin’ Marvin” wasn’t intimidating. I usually only fight when I lose my temper, and that usually only happens when someone bigger than me tries to intimidate or physically threaten me. I don’t think I’ve ever fought someone who was shorter than me. I’m not very tall, so I’m afraid of what the newspapers would think if I get into a fight with someone a couple of inches shorter than me.

Local Man Arrested for Beating Midget.


When I was in college, majoring in Psychology, for one of my classes, we had to read a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I can honestly say I got next to nothing out of this book. I don’t find it difficult saying to no to people, especially when they ask for something that they are not entitled to (or even when they are entitled to it). As a Catholic, my whole upbringing has been rooted in being denied things without explanation or reason….and guilt about sex. If you want to write a book to help Catholics, you should call it “When I Enjoy Myself, I Feel Guilty”. In case you’re wondering why I bring this up now. In great literature, this is known as “foreshadowing.” In mediocre blogging, it’s known as “rambling”.



I called the hardworking (HA!) members of the DC Police several times between 7am and 8pm. Each time I was assured that they would “send the next available car”. Well, I guess they were too busy ticketing jaywalkers (yes they do this), frequenting underage prostitutes (yes, they do this too) or getting arrested for assault and still collecting their salaries (yes, they do this too) to find ONE available car in a 12 hour period to give one care one ticket for being on my property.


So I decided to take matters into my own hands and go door to door and look for the guy who left his car in my driveway. I went knocking and asking everyone if they knew who’s car that was. No one fessed up to it. One of my neighbors (the one who threw a dead rat from his yard into my driveway one Sunday morning) denied it but looked guilty. So I said:

Ninja: Okay…because I’m towing it in about 15 minutes.

Ass: Huh…uh, I think it belongs to a guy on the next block. I’ll give you his address and you can tell him to move it.

Ninja: [furious]. So this guy doesn’t even live here? You let somebody who doesn’t even live on this park his car in a driveway that doesn’t even belong to you and you want me to go talk with the guy. YOU go tell him to move his car.

I left and my blood pressure was through the roof. Just as I was about to do something stupid to his car (involving fish) I saw him: STARVIN' MARVIN'


More Tomorrow.

The One Where I Try to Kill My Roommate

Okay, so I have a fcuking MOUSE in the Impenetrable Fortress. Despite having 3 bedrooms and 2 Baths, this place isn’t big enough for the both of us, so I have decided that he (or she) must die…preferably a slow, painful death so that he tells all his mouse friends that the ninja is not one to be fcuked with!!! It’s bad enough that I have to live in a construction zone, I won’t do it with a roommate who pays no rent, hasn’t signed a lease and hasn’t let me check his FICO score.

This comes at the worse possible time too, my sister is visiting from Florida today and I had hoped to kill the li’l bastard before she got here so that I don’t get gossiped about all over south Florida. I set up glue traps and baited him with mouse poison all over the kitchen (which is where I spotted him). He hasn’t eaten the poison and actually moved one of the traps without stepping in it. This is a worthy foe. But I will stop at nothing to defeat him.

I will take ever-more drastic steps until I reach the doomsday solution. I will set fire to my own house to drive him out. And if that doesn’t work, then I’ll buy some Celine Dion CDs and play them full blast until he runs screaming from the rubble and lives out the rest of his life in a tortured madness. He will die screaming (in Mouse language, of course) “I can’t get that horrible song out of my head…damn you theme song from Titanic, the motion picture starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett. I don’t know why a mouse would know who those actors are, but I hate them just the same. Am I ever sorry that I messed with Ninja….I deserve this sick, twisted death.”

Anyway, I’ll keep you informed on my progress at killing my new roommate.

Just the Facts Ma'am

Much has been said about Senator George Allen’s allegedly racist remarks. Because I hate politicians as much as I hate traffic cops or pedophiles, I’ll give you my (i.e. the correct) take on the situation.

FACT: Virginia Senator, and Presidential hopeful, George Allen called a dark-skinned man a “Macaca”, which is a type of monkey.

So, at a rally with hundreds of white people, he singles out the only person with dark skin and calls him a monkey and tells him “welcome to America”.

This tells me a few things about George Allen:

1) He thinks non-whites are subhuman;
2) He doesn’t consider foreigners to be “Real Americans”. (FYI, the guy he singled out was born in the US).
3) He’s as ignorant and bigoted as his constiuents.


Now, before I posted this I called the Allen campaign headquarters to get a statement from them. Here’s what they said.




"George Allen ain’t no racist. I once saw him drink from the same water fountain as a colored who was even darker than that Macaca guy. And I once saw him shake hands with a gook…errrr, I mean a chinaman...I said chinaman."





[EDIT: I just learned that "Macaca" is commonly used as a derogatroy term in europe to refer to north africans. I don't believe Allen's denials that he didn't know what the word meant given that his mother is a frenchwoman who was raised in Tunisia.]

Ninja Stock Picks Update

Interesting development. One of my Ninja Stock Picks ™ , Smith & Wesson (SWHC) was just rated by Investors Business Daily as one of the top 10 stocks under $10. I agree with the assessment. I usually only recommend value stocks, not growth stocks, but I made an exception for this one. Smith and Wesson is like the Angelina Jolie of stocks. If you only dated blondes, you still wouldn’t kick Angelina Jolie out of bed. Same here.


By the way, although Smith & Wesson is a great stock, I don't recommend using their product to shoot kittens...unless you need a cheap laugh to fill up your blog post, in which case Buttons dies.


Okay, just to update, I said I would try to update you imaginary people if I ever buy or sell, so… I accidentally sold all my shares of Embarq (EQ) yesterday. It was up as much as 18% from where I bought it, but I had a trailing stop loss on it which sells automatically if it goes down by 8% (so I don’t have to watch the market everyday). It was going down for a few days in a row and I had intended to move the stop loss off, since I didn’t want to sell, but I forgot and it sold me out of the position (then went up afterwards, of course).

I didn’t want to buy back in at higher price than I had sold, so I tried to sell a bunch of puts on it. My online account wouldn’t let me do it since I needed to fill out a special options form. CRAP! So during my lunch break I went down to the broker’s office and I filled out the form with the old lady broker. Hilarity ensued.

Broker: You realize that we don’t allow naked puts on options.

Ninja: Huh? Why not…I like naked puts. Although
I call ‘em “nekkid” puts.

Broker: Yeah…they’re too risky, so we don’t allow them.

Ninja: Ummm, yeah…I know about the risk, that’s why I wanted to do a spread position. You know, sell some puts, then leg into some other ones at a different price to hedge the risk.

Broker: Yeah…we don’t allow that.

Ninja: Quit staring at my ass!

Broker: Excuse me?

Ninja: Look, lady, you’ve been eye-jamming me since I walked in here, then I start talking about naked puts, and legging into a spread positions then you get all hot
and bothered and start staring at my ass.

Broker: How can I stare at your ass if you’re right in front of me.

Ninja: AHA! So you admit you’re staring at my front. The crotch is like the frontal ass, you perv.

Broker: I was doing no such thing, why would I look at you that way, I’m old enough to be your grandma.

Ninja: That makes it even more sick. I’m leaving, Miss Purvella McPurvey.

So basically, although I like Scottrade, I gotta find another broker now. One that lets me do naked puts. I sent away for an application from OptionsXpress, which got a good review from Money magazine, so hopefully they are not Latvian gangsters out to steal my money and buy a whorehouse in Riga.

I’m still working on the Ninja Stock Blog. For those of you who care, it will be at InvestingNinja.blogsome.com, but it’s not done yet. I’ve just been too busy (read: lazy) to finish it up yet.

My Dream Job...Or is it?

Well, since the Houston gig a few months ago didn't pan out, I have been thinking about what I would like to do for a living in an ideal world.




I mean, besides being married to Judy Greer.

















One of my not-so secret desires is to get so good at Ninja Stock Picks ™ that I can eventually decide to do it full time. In my fantasy, people with lots of money try to convince me to give up my job as a government hack, close down my ninja blog and invest full time. As my demands get more and more outrageous (“I want my own toilet…I won’t be scootin’ and pootin’ in the same pot as the rest of you…it’s disgusting”) the offer finally becomes so good that I can’t turn it down. Anyway, I relive this scenario in my mind for anywhere between 6-14 hours a day.

Since the great and powerful Cosmos desires nothing more than to make me happy, it made me come across this article on starting your own hedge fund.

http://biz.yahoo.com/weekend/hedge_1.html


One thing that was odd which I didn’t know is that there are now more hedge funds than there are Taco Bells. I don’t know if I should be encouraged or discouraged by that. On the one hand, it could mean that the market is saturated, on the other hand it could mean that they are giving money to everybody…even the idiot who wants to start a fund and pick stocks based on Astrology. If you think I’m kidding about that, I’m not—read the article.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have my own hedge fund. Although Ninja Stock Picks ™ are beating all the major market averages, I brag so much about them that if I did it for a living my ego might be insufferable.

Ninja: Can I speak to the head of trading, please?

Receptionist: Ninja? I was told not to put you through ever again.

Ninja: Umm, I’m not the Ninja…I’m some other guy, and I’m calling about something completely different. Yeah…I’m a doctor of something and I’m calling about his uhhh, herpes test.

Receptionist: Oh my lord, I hope it’s not serious.

Ninja: Well, I wouldn’t eat any potato chips off his crotch if I was you…now put me through.

[transferring call]

BigShot: Hello, trading desk.

Ninja: IN YOUR FACE!!!

BigShot: Dammit! That’s not funny. It hasn’t been funny for the last 2 years. Every week when your fund is beating ours, you call and YELL into the phone. I’m tired of hearing “read it and weep, bitches” or “on your case, in your face” or “suck it, wall street”. Can you please stop calling and start acting like a responsible adult.

Ninja: Wow, I feel kinda silly now. I feel like an apology is in order, so on behalf of me and everyone at my hedge fund I’d just like to say…SUCK IT!!! HAHA!!!

[click]

So that I have something to look forward to I decided on something. Seriously. I'm going to start keeping track of my performance results, then go this conferece next year and see if any crazies want to give me money. I figure I'll stand next to one of these astrology investors and people will give me money because I'll be like the midget who only hangs around even shorter midgets so that I appear tall, by comparison. Or like those semi-retarded people who take jobs at the White House so they appear intelligent.

Random Real Estate Stuff

Since I don’t have anything substantive to post, I figured I would post a few interesting articles I came across on owning a home or buying/flipping property. I know that people who come here would rather have me tell them what to think than have to think for themselves, but you should really read these articles anyway. That way, if we ever meet at a cocktail party and there’s an awkward silence, you can bring up these articles and we can have some common frame of reference to bond over and feel like we have known each other our whole lives. Otherwise, I’ll make a clumsy excuse about needing more micro-brewed beer and feel even more awkward when you say you need some too and offer to come with me.


Here’s an article from Market Watch (a good place for ideas for my ninja stock picks) titled Fixer-uppers can be dreams or money pits

http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/Story.aspx?guid=%7B77820FBF-A103-4A81-99DC-7321D9B8BB11%7D&siteid=

I think this article is noteworthy for a couple of things. One, the understatement of the century:

Although people still romanticize the concept of the fixer-upper, finding a diamond in the rough and restoring it to its former glory isn't always a pleasant experience.

That’s like Mrs. Lincoln saying that she didn’t enjoy the play as much as she thought she would.
And this piece of good advice:

And when you get discouraged midway through, go to a finished room, light a candle and enjoy a glass of wine, Silva said. It's hard work, but a home brought back to life -- with your style infused throughout its walls -- is often worth the effort.

If you replace “light a candle” with “drink beer” and “enjoy a glass of wine” with “surf the internet looking for things the nuns said would land you in hell”, then I agree with the stress technique 100%.





Things that make you go Hmmmmmm….

Partners in Life, Partners in Homebuying
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5616644


This from NPR, it’s an interesting broadcast on unmarried people who buy homes together to break into the housing market. Aside from asking a question to a real estate broker, it’s a good analysis. Every real estate broker thinks that everybody should buy a house…right now! Asking one if it’s a good idea for anyone to buy a house is like asking a crack dealer if they think it’s a good idea to buy some crack. If you don’t want to listen to the whole article, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version: Buying a home together can be a good idea, but if you are unmarried, you should get a written agreement because if you aren't married, then you can’t split property up like a married couple if you breakup.


This is article from USA today. It talks about how, for some people, renting makes more sense than buying.

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/housing/2006-08-09-rent-1a-usat_x.htm

I think that sorta goes without saying. That’s like saying, eating cheese doesn’t make sense for some people (unless you don’t mind the bloating, cramps and farting that come from lactose intolerance). The lesbians in the article (who are so unattractive that if I pictured them doing girl/girl stuff to each other I would probably be sick) decided to sell their house in San Fransisco that they bought for $1 million and rent an apartment because the house payments were too high. Gee, who knew the mortgage payments on a million dollar house would be so expensive? In other news, letting your friends kick you in the nuts when you’re bored is not such a good idea.

Also...I interviewed to be on a real estate show on TV yesterday. This deserves a separate post. Tune in Next Week.

Speaking of Elections

Speaking of elections: one of my imaginary internet friends, Listen to Leon, has a good shot of winning a Black Weblog Award or two. In case you're wondering, my blog won't win any Black Weblog Awards because
1) I'm not black; and
2) My blog is crap.

I don't know who else I would vote for because
1) Most other blogs are crap;
2) Unless it's obvious from the blog name, I usually have no idea what color/sex/religion the writer is. For example, is the Anonymous Lawyer black? How do you know he isn't, you racist! I'm just kidding about that...or am I?

I can think of one other really funny black blogger off the top of my head, The Assimilated Negro He's also good, but
1) not an imaginary friend (never emailed each other);
2) he lives in NYC (the winner(s) should all come from DC, because it's like the Mecca of good blogs); and
3) I think Leon would kick TAN's ass in a photoshop fight.

So Leon should win for Best Humor blog, if anything.

Anyway, you can read about the categories and get some links to some of Leon's best work at:
http://listentoleon.blogspot.com/2006/08/vote-leon.html

My favorite is The Battle for Leon Supremacy. You can decide for yourself which post is best, but if you are in a fraternity and can't think for yourself, then I just told you what you think.

As for the other categories, best Personal Blog, Best Original Content. I don't know what makes a good personal blog, but I think Siryn's blog is very good.

Well, if there's a ever a best Ninja Weblog Award, Leon better hook me up with the endorsement on his blog. I'd have some stiff competition from Ask A Ninja and Dr. McNinja, so I need all the help I can get.

Update

I'm still working on the Investing Ninja Blog, but it's not ready yet. Still, since I said I would keep you imaginary people informed of my movements so you know when to buy or sell, I wanted to let you know that I sold my shares in American Home Mortgage (AHM) today. They were up about 10% from where I bought it at one point, but I had an automatic 6% trailing stop loss (like a booby trap) programmed into my account, so when the stock moved down a lot today, the program sold it automatically. I still think it's a good company, and I made SOME money on the dividend, plus the price (about 6% total in the past 2 or 3 months), but I am not sure if I will buy into it again or wait 'till the next Ninja Stock pick (dealing with Food and Breasts).

Speaking of the Food and Breasts stock, which I won't name yet, as part of my "research" I have been staring at a lot of breasts recently. I don't know if this will help my stock picking abilities, but it gives me an excuse to do something that I enjoy without suffering from Catholic guilt. As you know, at the Council of Nicea, the Pope and the Vatican Council declared that everything that feels good is a sin. So, since I am staring at breasts not purely for my own gratification, but to make you people rich, I am altruist--not a degenerate. Who knows, in a 100 years, maybe Pope John Paul III will make me the Patron Saint of Cleavage. Sweet.

The Most Important Election in the 20th Century

Well, I heard about this contest for the Hottest DC Journalist. It turns out that the hottie who wrote the article in the Washington Post about me has been nominated. She got taken to task by Wonkette for soliciting votes by email, but I don’t really see any difference between that and the way politicians work the phones before an election. You can vote here.

In case you’re wondering which candidate my blog will officially endorse, let me say that cronyism has no part on my blog. Although Courtney wrote a Pulitzer worthy article about my blog and ninja fortress, I don’t think it’s fair to the others to let my tens of readers affect the outcome of a democratic election based on my personal feelings. Therefore we shall be completely objective.

First of all, some of these journalists are indeed hot. But others are just meh. Among the hotties there were a few standouts. Like this one.

Hilary Lefebre, from Nightline. This is the kind of girl you would take home to mom, even though you would have no idea how to prounounce her last name once you got her there.

Marry Me! Marry me, now!















In the end though, I believe that an election as important as this should be decided solely on the merits. And by “merits” I mean the girl who allowed herself to photographed in the sluttiest pose. In which I think we have a winner.



The Winner: MAD SKILLZ!











Honorable Mention to Liz Gorman. Why did Catholic's make impure thoughts a sin? Damn you, Catholic guilt!!!

Shoes, Washing Machines, and The Man.

So Saturday I went to the mall to take care of some errands. I bought a new washing machine and it's getting delivered this week. The impenetrable fortress will once again be fully operational and able to repel any enemy onlslaught in sparkling clean metrosexual garb. My enemies will tremble at my freshly laundered Diesel jeans.

Best Buy was running some kind of promotion where they weren't charging tax that day, which pleased me because libertarians HATE giving the government money. WHen I saw the receipt, however, I noticed that there was indeed tax on it, but the store was paying it.

Ninja: I thought you said there was no tax today.

Salesman: There isn't...Best Buy paid it for you.

Ninja: Yeah, but it doesn't matter...I thought I was stickin' it to The Man, but I'm not. You're still paying him. The Man still get's his money.

Salesman: What man?

Ninja: THE man. You know, Mister Charlie, Uncle Cracka'.

Salesman: Umm, here's your receipt Mr. Farakhan, have a nice day.

While I was at the mall, I stopped into the Apple store, which is like my crack den and checked my gmail account. Within the next week or two, I have decided that I should get a laptop. I didn't feel like dealing with people that day, but I'll do some research online and order it through work so I can get my goverment hack's discount on it.

Since I was at the mall, I stopped into Designer Shoe Warehouse, which, as the name implies is a warehouse of designer shoes. I needed a pair of black shoes, but the next thing I know I walked out there with 3 pairs of shoes, in exactly the same color.

I was thinking I could use the Steve Madden pair for informal stuff, I could abuse the Dockers when I salsa dance, and use the formal pair for work. But then I thought: Why did I just buy three shoes in the same color? I've never bought 3 pairs of shoes (in the same color) all in one day. What possesed me to do such a thing? I don't have a uterus?

I'll Be Back...

They’re building a Target and some other big chain stores in my neighborhood (Columbia Heights). The good news is that it should raise property values in my neighborhood and enable me to laugh all the way to the bank when I eventually sell the fortress. The bad news is that it won’t be finished for another year or two. Since my friend, Sailor Moon, is visiting and my washing machine is still broken (the washing machine elves didn’t fix it overnight) I needed to run out to buy some sheets for the guest bedroom so that she doesn’t think I hate her and that’s why I made her sleep on dusty linens. (My house is construction site so everything is dusty). A Target in my neighborhood would’ve been really convenient. And if the DC government hadn’t stalled Target for 5 years, it would already be there. But if you want to invest millions in DC, bring jobs, benefit the citizens and increase tax revenues, DC will treat you like a tranny hooker at an evangelical church.

So, I NEED some sheets right now, but I don’t want to drive all the way to the Target in VA (which is at least ½ hour each way—or 45 minutes if you drive like I do). So I went to this place next to the evil Home Depot on Rhode Island Avenue because I assumed they might have some. They did. I got there right before closing and unfortunately didn’t have time to peruse their other wares. I HAVE to go back there because I saw THIS:



Hundreds of old skool Kung Fu DVDs for $4 each. HOLY CRAP! They had a bunch from the Wu Tang series, but the place was closing and they were shooing me out before I could find out if they had the really good ones that left an indelible imprint on my childhood brain on Saturday Mornings. You know, the awesome ones, like Shaolin Master Killer, Clan of the White Lotus and the Citizen Kane of old Skool Kung Fu Movies: The Five Deadly Venoms.*

It need not be said that: You will be mine...oh yes, you will be mine!

*Some people think that Executioners from Shaolin is the Citizen Kane of Kung Fu Movies. IT's not. THe plot is a lot like Clan of the White Lotus, so I would say Executioners is like the Godfather II of Kung Fu Movies.

Karma Chameleon

Well, I finally got that effin' car out of my driveway--no thanks to DC's finest. When I called at 6am and they said they would send the next available vehicle, I assumed that between 6 am and 9pm there would be at least 1 cop somewhere in DC that wasn't busy doing something more important (like popping wheelies on their cop bikes or stuffing their faces with doughnuts), but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I'll post about the rest of the story tomorrow or something, but I'm pissed off because this morning my washing machine died. I got 4 loads of laundry and that thing craps out on me? There's a laundry place a block from me, but still. I don't want to go there and waste half a saturday watching my clothes because some degenerate might steal my overpriced metrosexual jeans and sell them for crack. Especially not on a saturday when the temperature is supposed to hit 100 degrees and humid. Plus, public laundromats suck. One time when I was hanging out George Bush and Dick Cheney, Dubya said he would rather get cock-punched than have to go to a public laundromat--true story. So I cock-punched him, then the secret service tazered me and beat me with their fascist batons of oppression....good times.

So Instead, I have to waste half a saturday at Best Buy or Sears to order a washing machine. I have to buy some underwear, jeans and T-shirts at lunch today to last me 'till I order a new machine and get it delivered. Yeah, I'd rather do that than sit in a 110 degree laundromat on a saturday. But basically, what I was really wondering is if this has anything to do with Karma? Could it possibly? I mean, I'M THE GOOD GUY HERE. Why is Karma messing with my washing machine? Why doesn't it go mess with Hezbollah or something. Aren't there others more deserving of pusnishment? Is this payback for the dead hooker or catholic jokes I'm always making? If so, I'll stop...or pretend to 'till Karma forgets.

Anyway, I'll try to discuss my detective work (i.e. knocking on doors and asking "is that your fcuking car in my driveway") and "negotiation" (i.e. "move your fcucking car right now") with the driver tomorrow. Right now I'm pissed off and need coffee.

And...my the cable that I cancelled finally went off this morning. CRAP!!! I have some DVDs that I can watch until I upgrade my Netflix account to up my number of delivered movies, but I don't know how many times I can watch "Dude, Where's My Car" before I really lose it.

NARC!

This idiot, behind that tree, (with expired tags) was blocking my driveway this morning. Although I don’t normally drive to work, I’m through with being courteous. So I left a little nastygram on his car saying that if he parked in the driveway, I would have his car towed. Then I called 311 when I got to work to have the cops ticket the car. I might as well put my tax dollars to work.


I know you're probably thinking that I could drive around that car. Yeah...so? I shouldn't have to. That's my effin' driveway and I'm through being nice about it. If he wanted to park in my driveway, he shoulda' asked me. Then I woulda' told him:

1) OK...that'll be $100 a day;
2) No...go fcuk yourself;
3) a sphinctersayswhat;
4) Yes...just kidding--go fcuk yourself.

But as it stands, this intrusion upon my property rights will not stand.

As a libertarian, I object to resorting to government oppression to get my way. I think people should be able to work out problems on their own, but if I solved the problem my way (throwing a brick through his windshield and torching his car) I’m sure I would look like the bad guy. Some idiot in a 15 year old Lincoln with expired tags blocks my driveway, I commit some minor arson and all of a sudden I’M the one who’s in the wrong? Anyway, I’ll let the cops handle it. Maybe they’ll give him a ticket, maybe they’ll tow it, or maybe, just maybe, they’ll throw a brick through his window and set fire to his car. THAT would be tax money well spent.

Comcast Still Sux...and Ninja Stock Picks Update

I think I did something pretty stupid the other day. In addition to cancelling my high-speed internet (which doesn’t work!), I cancelled my cable too. Now, I hate Comcast as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy really, really hates Comcast), but now I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea. I mean, heroin addicts don’t just erase their dealer’s phone number from their speed dial. It’s reckless and impulsive.

In theory, this will give me time to finish up all those home improvement projects I have been putting off. I can catch up my reading, go to the gym more, and even find some type of cure for some obscure form of cancer. I know that sounds like of things, but I really do watch too much cable, so I would (theoretically) be able to do all that plus find time for other hobbies (like knitting, if I was gay).

I have Netflix , but that’s not even gonna take up 10% of my former TV time. Crap!

This new Ninja might be good for you readers though, because I could (theoretically) devote more time to Ninja Stock Picks. ™


Here’s how the S&P 500 index did in the last month and half since I made my picks.

Date S&P 500
July 27, 2006 $1263.19
June 12,2006 $1,236.40

Percentage gain 2%




So, if you had had invested some money in the S&P Index last month instead of my Ninja Stock Picks ™, you would now be 2% richer. If you had followed the Ninja Picks, here’s how you would have done:




AMERICAN HOME MTGE INVEST C (AHM) up 7.77%
EMBARQ CORP (EQ) up 10.96%
SMITH & WESSON HLDG CO (SWHC) up 0.90 %


MAaaaaaaaad Skilllllllllz!!!

Actually, I bought into Smith and Wesson at 7.55, but I broke my own rule and bought more chasing it all the way up to 8.72, so the average is 8.15, which still made money, and which I think is a good long-term investment.


By the way, if you search for “Embarq Invest” on Google, my blog ranks higher than Forbes. So suck it, Forbes! The people of the net have spoken and they know where they should come for the wisdom of the ancient ninja scrolls.

News on Embarq. I predicted a price of $70, assuming no loss of subscribers. The analysts were predicting a big loss of subscribers and gave it an estimated price of $46-49. Well, the quarterly numbers came out and they didn’t lose as many subscribers as predicted, and they blew away all the earnings estimates. I crunched the numbers again and got nothing but confusion. BUT. Assuming the correct price is somewhere between $49 (massive losses of customer revenue) to $70 (no losses of customer revenue), I think this puppy still has a ways to climb. Jus’ sayin’.

Here are the consensus estimates for the stock price (per Yahoo Finance).



PRICE TARGET SUMMARY
Mean Target: 48.71
Median Target: 47.00
High Target: 55.00
Low Target: 43.00
No. of Brokers: 7

And THIS article from Forbes says that Morgan Stanley thinks the stock price is cheap right now. If you'll remember, I recommended this stock before Bear Stearns and Morgan Stanley, so SUCK IT, WALL STREET. You got owned by the Ninja!!!

Also, I really like a company I found on Investor Geeks called Advanced Environmental Recycling Technologies (AERT). I bought some for myself, but I’m not recommending it in Ninja Stock picks because Ninja Picks will only be the ones that I find and recommend.

Now, since the stocks I recommended have already gone up some, you may want to wait for the next Ninja Stock Pick, dealing with FOOD and BREASTS (scheduled for September, unless I find something else sooner).

Hmmm, Coming next Week an HomeImprovementNinja.Blogspot.com:

1) A ninja plumbing post
2) Houston Update
3) Two posts in a week is plenty, don’t push it!

A Carport by Any Other Name

Okay, so as promised, here is an actual home improvement project. First some background. If you remember back to the Florida Trip Parts 1, 2 and 3, you’ll remember that my Dad, brother and I decided to buy a couple of houses in Florida, fix them up and flip them. This was one of them.


This was a 2BR one bath house with a carport. The plan is to close off the carport and turn it into a 3BR house (with one or two baths). Step one would be to close off the side with cinderblocks. Since carports don’t add any value to a house, but an extra bedroom does, this should make us some money, which I can plow into my ninja stock picks, and make some really obscene amounts of cash, which I can then use to raise an army and conquer the world. Well, not the whole world, only the parts that don’t suck. Anyway, here’s how you close off a carport with cinderblocks (assuming you are awesome).



Step One: Drilling

First you have to drill some holes in the existing concrete and stick some re-bar rods in the concrete. This will tie the new cinderblocks to the existing structure and keep the structure from collapsing in a hurricane and having the family of the dead people sue you.



Step B: Start by sticking the rebar in the walls and in the wall every couple of rows. Like this.








Before we go further, I’ll be the first to admit that my brother is stronger than me. Doing this type of work requires moving around a bunch of 90lb bags of cement and cinderblocks. He can carry two bags at a time with the same ease that most people can carry around some pillows or their dry cleaning. He tosses cinderblocks around like they are loaves of bread. I, on the other hand, AM capable of lifting huge bags of cement, but not without making noises that you might confuse with childbirth. Since I am aware of that obvious fact, it need not be mentioned. But with each painful grunt that I utter I hear my brother making comments like “fcuking pussy” or “pathetic.” If my brother wasn’t the kind of person who fights off gun wielding muggers (yes, he’s done that…twice) I would seriously consider kicking his ass. Or maybe hitting him with something while he’s asleep, then running like hell.

Anyway, for this project we hired a day laborer to help us out since the work is heavy, my dad is in his sixties, and I am, apparently, a fcuking pussy. He had a huge mustache, so I assumed he was Guatemalan, but this guy was actually Pakistani. I found this out when I tried to ask him something in Spanish and he looked at me the way I look at someone when he asks me a question about implied volatility in an option pricing model. Yeah, that look.

Brother: He don’t speak Spanish, jackass.

Ninja: What kind of Guatemalan doesn’t speak Spanish.

Brother: He’s Pakistani.

Ninja: Pakistani? How do you know he’s not Al Qaeeda? I don’t want to give this guy money, have him buy a bomb and blow up Washington, and have me die from a bomb that I paid for. That would be fcuked up.

[at this point my brother decides to interrogate him
with Pidgin English]

Brother: [to Pakistani guy] Hey….my friend…Osama?
You Osama Bin Laden?

Pakistani: Me? No…No Osama Bin Laden.

Brother: [to me]. He says he’s good.

Soooooo........ moving on.

You need to drill into the ground too every couple of feet or less. Add the rebar, then fill in the holes with cement.

You only need to fill the rebar holes with cement. You don’t need to fill all the holes in the cinderblock with cement unless you are building a second story on top of it.




After you get to the top (which you might have to finish with those half-cinder blocks), then you start the stucco over the cinder blocks so that it matches with the existing stucco/cement wall.


This is what it looks like when you start Stucco-ing. A word of advice: The cement companies are making the Stucco crappier every year. Nowadays it’s mostly sand. So throw a shovel or two of Portland cement in the stucco mix so that it sticks to the wall better.

See, that guy looks Guatemalean. Jus' Sayin'












This is what it looks like when you get higher. See, use the rebar rods every couple of rows to tie it into the structure. Don’t skimp on this. Rebar only costs a dollar a piece, but paying damages for a dead person who’s house collapsed on them is really expensive. Even if the person was really old or unemployed.







Fill rebar holes with cement. Like this.










l This is what the finished wall should look like. Then you paint it and you're almost done.

Because this part of Florida has very sandy soil, closing off the front of the carport requires that you dig down 18" and pour concrete footers that deep. Then the building inspector looks at it, and (hopefully) approves it. We got permits to make all this legit (and to keep from bieng sued if someone dies on us) but scheduling that stuff and going down to city hall takes a lot of time.

We didn't have time to do the front before I left, but I asked them to take pics of closing off the front so I can show you imaginary people. I'd like a pic of the building inspector taking a bribe (they all do it) but I don't he'd be up for it.

DC Cops News...Libertarian Rant

Whenever anyone thinks I am exaggerating about how idiotic, corrupt and ineffective the DC police are, I never have to wait too long to find a story to email them. I'll be the first to admit that in some cities (like NYC) the police are professional, Hard working and actually catch people and arrest them when they do things like kill, rob and rape people. Then there are the cops in DC. Comparing a NYC cop to a DC cop is like comparing .357 Magnum to a water pistol. It's like comparing a dog as a pet to a fish. I’ll ignore the obvious story about the guy in Georgetown who had his throat slit by a bunch of animals while they attempted to rape his female companion. The tragedy was completely preventable since the DC police had the alleged criminal’s address beforehand. Someone who he had apparently mugged before got a call from their credit card company about someone using the stolen credit card and having things delivered to their house. Although the mugging victim told police that he/she would be able to identify the mugger, the cops never got off their asses to go down there and arrest him. Apparently they were too busy collecting overtime…which brings us to News Item Number two:


http://www.examiner.com/a-191324~D_C__Council_questions_police_department_s_overtime_policy.html

Seems that no matter how few criminals you catch, the DC police department can net you a lot of money. “One 40-year veteran police officer, last year worked 2,192 hours of overtime, the equivalent of 6 hours of overtime a day, 365 days a year, according to an Examiner review published Monday. “

So he worked overtime on Christmas and New Years? I don’t buy it. Somehow I don’t think anyone can “work” that many hours, even if “work” consists of sitting in Dunkin’ Doughnuts and stuffing your fat face.

“[cop in question] earned $149,000 just from the extra work. “ This plus his $100,000+ base salary gets him $250,000+ a year. That’s right folks. A donut eating DC cop gets paid as much as the vice president and more than most lawyers in DC. Tell me again about the Police Union is out to help the rank and file police officers.

I think I’m in the wrong business. If I can sit around eating donuts and pull in a quarter million dollars a year, why don’t I join the DC police force? I think all I need is a gun and a lobotomy.

A Tale of Two Nickels.

I’ve been bothering a friend of mine for several weeks about my nickel. Now, you might be thinking “I know there’s a recession, ninjaman, but bugging your friend for weeks over a nickel? Cheapass!” Or you could be thinking “I don’t think the Starbucks baristas like me”. Or possibly “Is it laundry day again? I thought I had at least one more pair of underwear.” But anyway, the reason I want THAT particular nickel back is because it’s my lucky nickel.

Answer to your next Question: Yes, I do have a lucky nickel.

Answer to your follow up Question: Yes, I really am that weird.


My lucky nickel looks a lot like this, except mine has powerful Indian Mojo comin' out of it.








So, right about the time I lent my nickel out to a friend who needed it’s powerful mojo [to go to court for something very important, that we're not going to mention on here] After she gave me back the nickel, her cable went out. Her cable operator: COMCAST. Coincidence? Or Powerful Indian Nickel Mojo, you be the judge.

Now, in case you’re wondering, my friend didn’t win. She was there by herself, without a lawyer, so, naturally, the DC legal system railroaded her. Now you might be wondering if the Nickel’s mojo is so powerful, why didn’t it work in court. I don’t know. The nickel has an Indian on the front and we all know that our red skinned friends didn’t have much luck before the courts either. Jus’ sayin’. It may be useful in gambling though, gotta try it out at an Indian casino. Me and chief Illiniweck versus the laws of mathematical probability. It’s on, math fools!

In other news, the return of the nickel did not fix my computer, but I was able to send pics from my phone directly to my secret computer lab, so I’ll have an actual home improvement post in a couple of days. In this one, I’m working with cinderblocks and rebar and doing all kinds of manly stuff that only someone with mad skillz can do.

Also, we’ll make fun of my brother some more because he made fun of me for not being able to toss bags of cement around like they are pillows. Since I’m a few thousand miles away now, it’s safe to mock him mercilessly without getting the crap beat out of me.

Fight Blog Oppression

So this week has been shaping up to be pretty bad so far.

Sucky thing Number One:
A fellow blogger, La Petite Anglaise, was fired from her job for blogging. She’s a good writer and I was actually considering starting a new link on the side of my blog called “mad writing skillz” for people like her and Betty on the Beach (who stopped blogging). But I’m too lazy and my HTML skillz are weak.

Anyway, La Petite Anlgaise (that’s French for “The Petite Anglaise”) had her boss discover her blog and she was fired. This sux especially badly because she is a single mom (and after seeing her pic, she is officially a MILF).

So anyway, I was thinking that if the thousands of people who read her blog and the tens of people who read mine would contribute to her using the PayPal button on her site, that would be a good thing. What do you say, bloggers? Unite and fight the man! Stand up for the right for your right to blog! Strike a blow for freedom…and against the oppressive British companies exploiting single moms in France. Wow, that sounds evil doesn’t it?

Sucky Thing Number Two:

The girl from Rocket Boom was fired/forced out (allegedly) by the asshole (allegedly) who runs the site. I admit I don’t watch Rocket Boom that often, but the chick seemed nice and was genuinely interesting (and not just because she is a hottie). I would offer her my legal services, but given how many of my former clients are in federal prison, I don’t think I would be doing her a favor.


Sucky Thing Number Three:

Although most of my Ninja Stock Picks are doing pretty well, one of them (Smith and Wesson, my largest holding) has been getting pummeled the past few days. I lost almost $1000 on it just today. Ughhh…that’s a lot of beer money to lose in one day. I like this and was buying more as it went up. It took a dive and bought even more because…it’s on sale. But the pain continued. I think I figured out why it went down today, which makes me feel better because I still think I and my faithful readers will make a lot of this one. It’s switching it’s listing from the AMEX to the Nasdaq on Friday so the market makers on AMEX are selling their positions. It should pick up again on Friday (hopefully). I’m debating whether to take some money from my bank and buy even more of this, but it’s already my biggest position. Hmmmm.

It’s fun to pick stocks theoretically, but when I start to lose my own money, it really sux…big time. Anyway, this one of my speculative bets. The other investments that I made based on fundamentals and Benjamin Graham’s teachings, Embarq (+4% in a month) and AHM (+8% in a month) are doing well. So suck it, critics!

And don't forget that next month we'll have a very special Ninja Stock Pick that is based on FOOD and BREASTS!.

As long as my parachute opens...

Alright, so Israel is fighting with Hezbollah and I am really pissed off. Hezbollah?…Who even knew that was a country? I bet you’re wondering what I’m pissed off about. I’m not pissed that the Israelis are fighting the Hezzbolians….err, Hezbollites? Whatever. They could kill each other from here to Sunday for all I care. What I’m upset about is what it’s doing to the financial markets. Why is the price of oil (and soon gas) shooting up? I’m positive there is no oil in Israel and pretty sure there is no oil in Hezzbollah. Actually, I’m not all that sure about the second part since that country is so small that I can’t even find it on a map.

And it’s freakin’ killing the stock market lately. STOP! STOP NOW!!! Recently I added a new feature to my blog, Ninja Stock Picks, so that I could brag about yet another or my skillz and along comes a stupid war and threatens to mess that up.

What if this fighting escalates and engulfs the whole middle east, maybe the whole world? I’m sure I’ll get people gloating in emails if one of my stocks goes down after a tactical nuclear strike that kills millions. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that after a tactical nuclear strike it would be a good time to invest and scoop up some bargains. I’m one step ahead of you, my dear readers. But there’s only a couple of problems with that:

1) I’m already almost fully invested;
2) Some of the dead people might be my readers and then they couldn’t see how awesome my picks are and they wouldn’t be rejoicing at how rich I made them…because they would be dead.


Keep some money available for investing people. Next month I may have the best Ninja Stock Pick to date. I won’t tell you what it is, but involves two areas that I know a lot about and love: FOOD and BREASTS. I won’t mention the stock now because I’m still performing the fundamental analysis of this stock (which involves me eating food and staring at breasts on the street). But if all goes well, I’ll recommend this stock next month and you’ll see why you can’t possibly lose money by investing in food and breasts. It’s genius, I tell you!!!

In other news. THis week I'll havean actual home improvement post (with pics!). Desptie my Internet troubles , I figured out how to take pics with my phone and email them to myself.

Also, I'll have a Houston Update, and an internet update.

Rite of Passage.

Well, I’m going to add to my list of mad skillz. It turns out that I have so many of them that sometimes I don’t even know that I have them until I test myself and find out. In that way, mad skillz are like Chlamydia. They exhibit no symptoms until tested.

Next week I’ll talk about my newly acquired skillz with concrete cinder blocks and stucco, but this week we’ll be talking about my toy crane skillz.

You see, it’s like this: In ye olde days there were certain rites of passage that separated the men of the tribe from the boys. Sometimes you would go into the woods and kill a bear with a sharpened stick to complete your passage into manhood, other times you might be required to circumcise yourself using only coconut shards. If those primitive tribes had poseessed modern technology, they would separate those worthy of joining the hunting party from the girly men with the ultimate test of manhood—the toy crane.

I know that some people (i.e. people who are not real men) think that the toy crane is rigged and that it’s impossible to get a stuffed animal or ugly baseball hat no matter how many times you play it. Laydeez, have you ever been out on a date and suspected that the guy with you wasn’t a real man because he couldn’t work the toy crane, but convinced yourself that he might be datable, only to later discover that he is just as incompetent with the female control panel as his is with the esoteric and capricious toy crane. See, ladies and gentlemen, the toy crane is the alpha and the omega of manhood. It is the method by which real manhood is based.

I know that some people think that the real measure of a man is how kind and giving he is to others…excuse me, I don’t mean to laugh at people who think that. Other people think that manhood is determined by the size of a man’s, errrr, manhood; how much money he makes or how fast a car he drives (usually, the smaller the manhood, the faster the car).

But I am here to tell you that it’s not. Ladies, the only two ways to tell if you are dating a real man is by his ability to lay hardwood flooring and his ability to work the toy crane.

BEHOLD!!!

MADDDD SKILLZ!!!

News Update: Comsast Still Sux.

Well, still no internet. While waiting for the guy on Monday I really seriously considered cancelling everything Comcast offers (including my cable) out of spite if they couldn’t fix it. I decided to watch a full day’s worth of cable programming to see if there is anything on there worth paying for. Here’s what I saw…

Maury: This show is actually pretty interesting. I think it picked up the lower socio-economic demographic when Jerry Springer cancelled his show. This show dealt with paternity and DNA tests. That’s the best idea that cable programming ever came up with. An idea so good, in fact, that it’s also used by Montel, Sally Jesse, Jerry Springer and every one else in the talk show business. Having a cable show without teens who don’t know who their Babby Daddy is, is like having a convenience store that doesn’t sell overpriced milk and white bread. Normally I think I could do without these type of shows, but this was a doozy. Up first was a rednecky white girl who had been on a couple of previous shows for DNA tests. The previous 3 men tested turned out NOT to be the father, so she was eager for this one to turn out to be the father because he was a really nice guy and she was tired of coming back to Maury and having people think she’s a slut. Well, suitor number 4 is NOT the father. [cue the tears and her running off stage]. I forget what her name was, but let’s just call her “Amber Lynn” because she looks like an Amber Lynn (I have a rare gift of being able to tell people what they look like their names are. “You don’t look like a Maria, are you sure you’re not a Svetlana?”)

Then when I thought it couldn’t get any better, up next on Maury was Sholanda (her real name). What I like about Maury is the diversity. It’s like a ghetto Bennetton ad. You have redneck white teens and ghetto black teens who can come on and commiserate with each other about how hard it is to find your Baby Daddy. (you can also have multicultural stage full of promiscuous teens or drug addicts who steal from their parents…quality TV). At the high end of society we have the President meeting with Tony Blair and Jaques Chirac and maybe Zhang Ze Min, and on the lower end we have rednecks who can share the stage with the Sholandas of the world. Unity is possible, people. We’re not all that different it turns out. Sholanda could relate to what Amber Lynn was going through. Sholanda had been on the show 9 times and had 10 men tested and none of them was the father. Apparently, Sholanda is not the type of girl who gives up easily (which is surprising, given how easy it seems to be to get her into her pants) and she decides that she is SURE that number 11 is the father. Querry: if she’s so sure that he’s the father, why didn’t she test him first? Well, it was no surprise to me, but number 11 is NOT the father. [cue the crying and running off stage]. Maury vows that he will help her keep testing everyone that she had sex with and keep her coming back, hopefully during sweeps week, because he really wants to help her find out who is the father. He also assures that he is not laughing at her…no really, he’s not. He just thought of a funny joke that had nothing to do with her sleeping with at least a dozen men and not knowing who the father of her baby is. That’s what he was laughing at…not her plight. What? No…sorry, the joke just slipped his mind so he can’t tell you what it was about.

Judge Judy: I hate this woman. What an annoying, pushy, overbearing self-important ass. This is why people hate judges. They are petty bureaucrats who revel in their ability to use their power to intimidate you. They’re like mall security guards with a law degree. In this one she gave a guy money when a mall security guard damaged his car by beating up a shoplifter on the hood of his car. She also berated the guard for lying about how the damage happened. Someone using their petty power to abuse a security guard in public: the poetic justice is deafening.

She also gave a verbal smackdown to a grandma who was suing her son’s ex girlfriend. She believed that since the woman broke up with her son, that the baby furniture was no longer a gift and she had to give it back. Classy! I can live without this show.

Judge Alex: I think this guy is Cuban. I would probably hate this guy if he was Argentinian, but I don’t mind that he’s Cuban. Cubans don’t use as much hair gel as Argentinians and will never win the World Cup, so I cut them some slack. Still, I hate Judge Alex because he’s got no charisma and is freakishly tall. People of normal height, like me, have to use our good looks, personality and mad dancing skillz to get dates, but these freakish tall mutants can sit around with no personality and get dates by reaching things on high shelves in a bookstore for a pretty girl without using a ladder. I think we should tax tallies to make up for the budget deficit. We tax the rich even though they actually work for the money, so why not tax the tall people who did nothing to get where they are?

Anyway, Judge Alex is so boring that I can’t even remember what his case was about. I can live without this show.

Judge Mathis: I think we see a theme here. I am not crazy about Judge Mathis either, because he bullies the litigants (Like Judge Judy, but unlike Judge Alex, who has no personality). In this episode we see an unattractive woman who sued her stripper dancing instructor because she wanted to cancel her lessons. She didn’t like the fact that men were allowed to walk in and view the classes. She won. By the way, no one involved with the stripper lessons (including the instructor) is anyone that you would want to see nekkid. If you did see them nekkid, you would probably scream “My eyes!!! I’m blinded…and my brain is burning, make it stop!!!”).

Props to Judge Mathis for awarding money to a guy with Cornrolls in his hair who cried at the mental abuse his baby momma was inflicting on him by playing games with his visitation and telling him that he is not the father. The guy looked like Coolio’s younger broke little brother. I’m surprised he cried on national television, but if I thought it would get me a few thousand bucks, I might cry on TV too. Anyway, I could live without this show too.

Power Lunch: CNBC talk about the stock markets. Eh…it’s okay, but nothing I heard on there would ever make it onto Ninja Stock Picks, so I don’t need this show either.

At about 3pm, The Comcast guy came for the fourth installment of the House of Pain. Of course, he came late and didn't bother to bring a laptop. After staring at my computer the way my cat used to stare at rice pilaf, he looked at the poles and wires outside and said

Tech: "all the lights on your modem are on, so the internet should be
working.

"Ninja: "Yeah...but yet it's not...I guess that's why I asked them to send
you with a laptop...you know, to see why it's not working."

Tech: "They didn't tell me you needed a laptop."

Ninja: Yeah...the first guy said I needed it, he wrote "need laptop" on the
work order; the next guy showed up without one, requested a laptop for the next
visit, the third guy never showed up but claimed that he not only showed up, but
acutally fixed it; then they sent you.

Tech then calls someone with a laptop and leaves, then comes back with a Dell. A freakin' Dell! Now, I love my iMac the way that Rosie O'Donnell loves chocolate. I love My iMac more than Angelina Jolie loves deviant sex. So bringing a Dell into my house is like bringing pork chops to a bar mitzvah. Still, I sufferred the indignity so that I could get my internet working. What lengths I'll suffer through for illegally downloaded music and fetish porn! Since I'm Catholic, even joking about stuff like that is a sin, so we'll add that to the list of sins that I'll have to attone for if I ever go to confession. I haven't been to confession since I was 12, so the list is getting pretty long. He got the Dell working on my modem but said my computer still wasn’t detecting the IP address and my Apple was probably broken and that I should get a PC because the Techs are better at working with those. Telling an Apple user that he should trade his iMac for a PC is like telling a preacher that his daughter is a slut. That ended the service call. FVCK COMCAST!!! I’m cancelling. NOBODY INSULTS MY iMAC!!!








Anyway, later, in a last ditch effort, I went to a bookstore and bought an Apple book that had a chapter on what looked like things that had to do with the internet. (TCP/IP, PPPoE, DCHP etc.). $22 later I’m sitting home and playing with the settings and it found the IP address (which shouldn’t be possible if the internet card were broken like the Comcast guy claimed). But still no internet. I think maybe I’ll just

Buy This: Ninja Approved!

So my friend Maggie is selling her apartmetnt in Dupont Circle. (for those of you not from DC, Dupont Circle is DC's equivalent of Greenwhich Village...if DC were anywhere near as cool as NYC). Anyway, she is selling a kick-ass condo that she owns there, which is fully furnished and rented out at $1525 per month. She said the tenant is tall, blonde and good-looking, so any of you single gals looking for a condo and a husband should really look into this.

It's listed for $227k and described as having a " FAB Euro feel" in the listing. I think this is a pretty accurate description since my friend is from europe and when she bought the place she asked me what I thought about it and I said "it makes me fee FAB...all caps." Here is the listing :

http://www.susanleavitt.com/search/listing.php?listing_type=res&listing_key=10350330616

Ther neighborhood is great too. I used to live in Dupont. It's very hip and trendy...well, as trendy as you can get for DC, which is like saying "he's the smartest guy on the football team." It's got a lot of gays there, so women will feel safe walking home at night. Well, I assume they are gay, but they may just be really dedicated metrosexuals...it's hard to tell.

The building is nice and it's only a few blocks to the metro or some of the best nightlife and restaurants in the city. I rate this condo "4 Shurikens". (You can't get 5 Shurikens without a pool or Judy Greer in your Bldg.).

Die, Comcast, DIE!

Well, the Comcast guy came and still no internet. He came without his laptop so basically he just stared at my computer for a while, went outside to look for the cable that comes into the house, then called to set up yet another appointment for Monday. For those of you keeping count, that will be appointment number 4. Thanks, Comcast. I really appreciate having to take 4 fvcking days off work just so that I can get the service that I paid for and which, you claim, you're in business to provide.

It took a while for the Comcast guy to set up the appointment because--you guessed it---their computers were down. These people at Comcast are about as organized as a monkey shit fight at the zoo.



So the appointment is set up for Monday. I called tech support as the Comcast guy suggested (don't ask me whey he couldn't do it while he was here). And the Phone Monkey told me something that makes me hate Comcast even more. She said they couldn't find the IP address on my computer and that she didn't know how to fix it because Apple Doesn't support Comcast's software so they might not be able to fix it on monday...because of those bastards at Apple.

Now you all know I love me some Apple. If I had to pin the blame on someone and my choices were Apple (whose service has always ranged from Good to Great) or Comcast (whose service has always ranged from Mediocre to Pathetic) do you really think I’ll lay the blame on Apple. Especially since the woman who is calling me, is calling me from a place that can’t keep their own computers (which run on Windows, I’m sure) running.

I’ll let you internets know what happens on Monday, but since the last few Comcast techs have looked at my iMac like it was an Alien Corpse from a UFO wreckage, I am not really hopeful.

Comcast Still Sux

In other news...Comcast still sux. I made another appotintment with them to come out and fix my internet before I die of sensory deprivation. When I called the phone monkey to set up an appointment, the following exchange happened.

Monkey: The tech guy already fixed your internet.

Ninja: No. He didn't fix it. He didn't even show. So unless he fixed it telepathicall-

Monkey: It says here he showed up friday.

Ninja: No, that's not true. No one showed or called. Your tech, is a liar, sir!

Monkey: Are you sure no one else let him in?

Ninja: Yes. I live alone and will probably die that way, thanks for reminding me of the terrible emptiness that is my existence, Satre.

Monkey: Well, my computer is showing here that your internet is working.

Ninja: Your computer is a liar. I don't have internet. I'm going through withdrawl. I got the shakes, man. Help me.

Monkey: Is the light that says "internet" on your cable modem lit up?

NInja: Yes. That's what makes it so frustrating. Please make it work. I needz interenet man. I can't do my ninja stock picks, check the weather, or buy weird stuff from eBay without it.

Monkey: Really? You can find out the weather on the internet? I just use it for Porn.

Ninja: I know, thats why you work in a call center, pervert. Well, because of that or your inbreeding, it's hard to tell which is more responsible.

Well, I guess I paraphrased some of that, but you get the point. I have to wait around for them again. If they can't fix it, I just gonna go commando and canel everything. I'll go back to the stone age and read books for entertainment or divine the weather by looking out my window. Either that, or I'll start drinking again.

Florida: Return of the Ninja

I spent the last few days in Florida. I'll be back in DC in a few hours. I came down here to de-stress by picking fights with my brother and working on one of the houses that we co-bought together. I should have some pics of us closing in the carport this week (if Comcast can get their ass in gear and turn my freakin' internet back on).

Lately, I hate flying more than usual. Not as much as I hate Comcast or the DC government but a lot, nonetheless. When I was a kid, I remember that flights to Florida included a meal. It was usually salisbury steak or "chicken" made from recylced cardboard, low-grade plastics and turkey gravy, but it was still food. During the airlines wars, they switched to club sandwhiches with lettuces in varying states of decay and a mini-pack of saltines, but it was still an actual meal. How can you call yourself an actual airline when all you give people to sustain themselves is half a glass of cola and a pack of peanuts. Cheapskates! What do they need flying waitressess, errrr, excuse me, "flight attendants" for if they can't even serve me a decent meal? And why, dear God, do you make me sit in the first row behind first class? I'm so close to luxury, yet so far away. I can practically smell the fine corinthian leather in the only-two-seat-wide aisles from my seat in the section where I sit next to the scum of the earth. That thin curtain is all that separates me from the good life. Well, that and a lot of money, but you get the point.

Anyway, it'll be good to get back in town. I reaaaallly hope the incompetents at Comcast can get my internet back on. I can't brag properly about my skillz if I don't have pics to show my imaginary internet friends how awesome I am. It'll be like someone describing a porn film without showing you any pics. Well, speaking of porn, I'm sure that Comcast will screw me yet again, but at least I have this forum to reap my cyber vengeance against them. Die, Comcast, DIE!

Comcast Sux

Well, my internet is still down, thanks to the incompetents at Comcast. They sent a repair guy to fix my cable modem, but since I failed to specify that I wanted someone who actually knew what they were doing, they sent me one that they probably hired from the parking lot of a liquor store. After about an hour of the guy playing around the computer and not knowing which end of it was up, he gave up. I don't know what kind of training they give these guys at Comcast University, but this guy didn't even know where the CD Rom drive was on my iMac. He actually asked if my computer had one (because he didn't see one). Since I didn't buy my iMac in 1985, of course it had one. And if he didn't know enough about Apple Macs to know if they even came with a CD Rom, I knew the task was doomed. So this guy called the office and scheduled a "lead tech with a laptop" to come the next day. I asked what would happen if that guy couldn't fix it. He assured me that a "lead tech with a laptop" could fix it. Then he went into a description of what it takes to be a lead tech with a laptop. Apparently it's the internet equivalent of overcoming the Shaolin 13 Chambers of Death. There is, apparently, only one level higher than a lead tech. I think it's a Shaolin Master Assassin, and it involves becomming part cyborg and having computer parts fused directly to your central nervous system, with a CPU in your brain and a USB Port in your rectum.

I think we need to change your ethernet cable.










That sounds like a lot of trouble to go through, but they probably make at least $2 an hour more than a head tech and they get their own parking spot.

The only problem with the lead tech with a laptop is that he didn't show. That's right, the Comcast guy never even bothered to show up. When I called Comcast to find out the status, the woman told me that they couldn't check on it because their computers were down. WHAT THE FVCK! I'm relying on these idiots to get my computer back on line when they can't even keep their own computers running. That's like hiring a dermatologist with severe acne or a bankrupt financial planner.

SO anyway, I' really pissed off at these morons. I'm gonna try to set up another appointment next week and if they screw me around again, I'm just cancelling my internet and cable altogether and I'll find something more productive to do with time, like helping blind kids or lepers, or maybe developing an addiction to prescription narcotics.