Friday, August 18, 2006
The One Where I Try to Kill My Roommate
Okay, so I have a fcuking MOUSE in the Impenetrable Fortress. Despite having 3 bedrooms and 2 Baths, this place isn’t big enough for the both of us, so I have decided that he (or she) must die…preferably a slow, painful death so that he tells all his mouse friends that the ninja is not one to be fcuked with!!! It’s bad enough that I have to live in a construction zone, I won’t do it with a roommate who pays no rent, hasn’t signed a lease and hasn’t let me check his FICO score.
This comes at the worse possible time too, my sister is visiting from Florida today and I had hoped to kill the li’l bastard before she got here so that I don’t get gossiped about all over south Florida. I set up glue traps and baited him with mouse poison all over the kitchen (which is where I spotted him). He hasn’t eaten the poison and actually moved one of the traps without stepping in it. This is a worthy foe. But I will stop at nothing to defeat him.
I will take ever-more drastic steps until I reach the doomsday solution. I will set fire to my own house to drive him out. And if that doesn’t work, then I’ll buy some Celine Dion CDs and play them full blast until he runs screaming from the rubble and lives out the rest of his life in a tortured madness. He will die screaming (in Mouse language, of course) “I can’t get that horrible song out of my head…damn you theme song from Titanic, the motion picture starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett. I don’t know why a mouse would know who those actors are, but I hate them just the same. Am I ever sorry that I messed with Ninja….I deserve this sick, twisted death.”
Anyway, I’ll keep you informed on my progress at killing my new roommate.