Friday, November 28, 2008

My foot job

I'm gonna admit something now, because I'm sure people will find out eventually, so by coming clean and mocking myself, it will have no power over me. Ready for it? You sure? Okay here goes: I got a pedicure the other day. Now, before you say anything, you should know that I am straight as they come. In fact, I made sweet, sweet love to my hot girlfriend before and after the pedicure, so banish that those thoughts from your head.

I guess an explanation is in order. I used to get my haircut at a barber shop. It was one of those old timey barber shops where the guy who cuts your hair is in his 70s and the magazines that you read while you wait are Playboy magazines from the 80s. But the girlfriend gets her hair done at a salon type place and kept trying to get me to go to her place.

Me: Why would I go there for? I get good haircuts and I get to look at magazines from an era where it was still socially acceptable for girls to have pubic hair that looks like buckwheat.

Girlfriend: Well, this place uses better product in your hair.

Me: Product? I don't know what that is, but I've gone decades without it, so I'm pretty sure I don't need it.

Girlfriend: Also, the stylist gives you hand massage while you wait.

Me: Are the stylists women?

Girlfriend: Yes, why?

Me: A girl giving me a haircut and a hand job? Sign me up!!!

So after every haircut I got there they would ask me to set up an appointment for next time and if I wanted anything else like a manicure, pedicure or wax. "Uhhhh, what?!? no thanks." Well, eventually the stylist and the girlfriend talking up the pedicure (and my need for new blogging stories) turned the tables in favor of this.

I have no idea why I haven't done this before. I'll be the first to admit, that I have some ugly feet. If my feet were dogs, they would be pugs or bulldogs. If my feet were people, they would be Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah (back when she was fat). And also, they smell like burning rubber (and turd). But this girl at the salon clipped my toenails, massaged my feet; put some mud on it (that looked suspiciously like the poop my puppy makes when he's got diarrhea. Then she wrapped it in warm towels and give you a Cosmo to read. For the dudes reading this who've never seen one, Cosmo is like clothes porn for chicks.

Then eventually, another chick came over and started massaging my hands while the first girl took the mud off my feet and started massaging me. Incidentally, two girls simultaneously massaging me is what I imagine Heaven is like (except in Heaven, we would be naked, the girls would be even hotter, and I would be drinking a beer at the same time).

Anyway, I left without letting them paint my toes with clear polish (I'm straight and I'd like to keep it that way), then went to brunch with the girlfriend. What a great Saturday.


Friday, November 14, 2008

When it's time to back away from the computer

If you think Americans are weird, you're right. But people in other countries can be just as weird and pathetic as our homegrown dorks. Sometimes I like to read newspapers from other countries like the Great Britain (because FoxNews is like watching the Hitler propoganda channel), so I'll read stuff from BBC online, or...The Sun, which is like the National Enquirier, but with British spelling of words like "colour" and "behaviour".

Anyway, I saw an article in there today, where a couple is getting divorced because his virtual character in Second Life cheated on her with another virtual character. This is too weird for so many reasons. Here's my thoughts, in case either of them reads this site:

1) neither one of you is particularly attractive, so you should stay married because, realistically, you're each the best you can get;

2) you met him online, when he was unemployed, what did you expect?


4) Get off the internet and start doing real world things and then maybe you can cheat on each other for real...or not, but for goodness sake, get out off the computer!!!

I will admit, I've never played Second Life so I don't know how addicting it can be. The reason I haven't played is because it's idiotic and I have a life. Why do people spend so much time in an imaginary world if they could direct that time and energy to make their real lives better?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Two Economists Walk into a Bar...

Q: What's the difference between a recsession and a depression?

A: A recession is when your neighbor loses his job, a depression is when you lose yours.

The NY Times ran an article recently about how even the big law firms had it rough these days and were laying off assoiciates. Now, THAT'S scary. The reason I went into the law was for job security (also for money and so that I would be able to afford a trophy wife and spoiled kids with names like "Kennedy", "Madison" and "Brett"). I remember when the telecom industry imploded (not fun when most of your clients are in that industry) and I decided to switch gears and go work for the government. I could be making twice what I'm making now if I worked at a law firm, but I'd also probably have no free time and an ulcer. So I'm glad I made the choice I did. Still, it's scary to read about stuff like this because, even though I'm not planning on leaving in the middle of a recession, it's nice to know you have options available even if you're not interested. Like the hot chick who's going to the prom with the captain of the football team, but knows that there are others who would line up to take his place if she ever got bored of him. Reading this article is like finding out that the rest of the football team is gay (which is not unusual in high school and college football, but still).

Anyway, I'm just rambling here. How are the rest of you holding up in these difficult economic times?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

My White Trash Halloween...with Photos

This year I thought for sure I would win best costume. My friend had her annual Halloween party at her huge (7 Bedroom) house out in Fairfax county. Seven Bedrooms? Wow, I'm in the wrong business.

I thought I had it locked down with my costume: White Trash. I couldn't find the gold teeth grill that I had bought for my costume, but I thought the other white trash elements (tattoos, long hair, 70s porn moustache) were enough to cinch it.

Here's a picture of me and the girlfriend, who went as a LOL Cat. The people who knew what a LOL Cat was thought it was great, but apparently not everyone reads LOL Cats. Most of the people had no idea what that website was.

I felt bad for the people that never saw that website. It was like finding out that you were the only one who grew up with a pony and that other people spent their childhoods working in the coal mines.

But alas, I did not win first place. The prize went to last year's defending champ. He came as Michael Phelps and his wife was Michael Phelps' Mom. Funniest line of the of the evening: After Michael Phelps won, his mom takes the microphone and says "I'm just so proud of my son". Anyway, here is the winning costume:

The big ears and iPod earbuds make the costume.

Afterwards, everyone kept getting drunk and playing Rockband. The end.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Don't Forget to Vote

I'll put a halloween post in the next couple of days (I'm busy now), but in the meantime, don't forget to vote tomorrow, even if you'll only be doing it for one of the lesser of two evils. Also, if you're in a state that's solidly blue or red, and you don't think your vote will matter, try voting for a third party candidate so that one day we might have real choice in this country. Also, Ron Paul is awesome, even though I liked him from writings on the Mises Institute website long before any of you ever heard of him.

And to the women in Michigan who only gave out Halloween candy to McCain supporters and turned away kids whose parents were Obama supporters, you suck. Yes, Shirley Nagel, I'm talking to you, you suck. It's people like you who turn the rest of us off from politics. You can't put aside your partisanship for even one day to give candy to a 4 year old? I hope you choke on your candy, you psycho!