I'm an uncle!

I got the news last night that my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy. I wonder why people always specify that it was a "baby" boy. Is that really a necessary adjective? Are there a lot of people who give birth to full grown boys, such that you'd have to specify to avoid confusion?

"Really? you had a boy? a baby one or full grown? a
teenager? that must've been painful!"

I don't know if it was a "bouncing" baby boy because no one dropped him, but he appears to normal in all other aspects. In fact, better than normal...exceptional! Very handsome. He looks strong too (a future jiu jitsu fighter? one can only hope).

Happy Birthday Elvis: the other kind of Fight Club

Happy belated birthday to the third greatest American to ever walk the earth, Elvis Presley. In case you are wondering who the first and second greatest Americans are, they are Thomas Jefferson and Jack Lalanne, in that order. You might think this is open to debate, but it's not. Arguing about this is like arguing about the existence of gravity; it will just make you look foolish.

Here's something you didn't know about me. Some people don't work Christmas, some don't work on Thanksgiving or Easter. But me...I don't work on January 8th. Cuz' that's Elvis' birthday! Some people think I kid about how awesome Elvis is, and that I heap fake praise on him like it's some kind of performance art. But Elvis was awesome because he genuinely didn't a sh1t. The world was segregated but he played black music. He wore ridiculous outfits and ate peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches whenever he wanted. He had a pet monkey and if he didn't like what was on TV he would shoot it. He was a black belt in Karate back when that actually meant something. Fcuk Charlie Sheen, Elvis is the real one with Tiger Blood in his veins. In other words, Elvis was the original Honey Badger!

So I don't know what you did last weekend, but I celebrated by going to the Elvis Birthday Fight Club. As part of the show they had an Elvis Trivia contest and they asked for volunteers. I was chosen. And if you think I'm good at fixing houses, derivatives law, or jiu jitsu, that's nothing compared to how awesome I am at Elvis Trivia.

I had a worthy opponent, but I won. In fact, I smoked him! Trying to beat me at Elvis trivia is like trying to beat Rosie O'Donnell at a doughnut eating contest: not gonna happen!

Anyway, I had a great time and look forward to doing it again next year to defend my title. So who are your top 3 americans of all time?

Tap tap tap...

Is this thing on? ("that's what SHE said!") haha, I kill me sometimes.

It doesn't feel like it's been over a year since I blogged something, but the internet doesn't lie. If you're wondering what happened, that makes one of us. At some point in a dog's life he catches the car he was chasing and wonders "now that I've got this giant squirrel by the metallic bumper...what now?" If you find that analogy confusing, you're on the right blog.

In tangentially related news, I discovered Twitter recently, which is like blogging for lazy people and like the fat guy trying to ease himself into the gym little by little, I started being a Twitterer...Tweeter? Twat? Whatever. Anyway, if you'd like to follow me, I'm at @ImproveNinja

If you follow me on there you can read some gems such as this:

Don't autocorrect me, Iphone. Yes, I meant "fisting" not "gusting". WTF is anal gusting

Or this:

My beagle only wants to play with other beagles. Does that mean my dog is a racist?

At any rate I'm not giving up blogging, but I am going to start another blog where I talk about other things. I'm keeping it under wraps for now. Maybe I'll keep this around for old times sake, like the blind diabetic dog that you are too emotional to put down, even though you've already got a new puppy picked out. Or maybe I'll use both, like a high-powered Hollywood executive with a first wife and a mistress.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas everyone!

Snow

As if to mock me, it snows. I drove to work today, so getting home should be...interesting. Growing up in NY means that I have experience driving in the snow. So I know I won't hit your car on the way home today. Please do me the courtesy of returning that favor. Kthanxbye.

I still hate snow

I stil hate snow. It's snowed twice this month. The first time, I saw it outside the window, but it stopped before I got outside, and left no trace. If other people hadn't commented on it, I would've thought I imagined it. The second time, I didn't notice it until the morning. It covered the tops of cars lightly, but melted and disappeared into the sidewalk, leaving no trace of itself.

My sister moved with her kids from South Florida to Wisconsin. They have never seen snow. Since they have never seen it, except in pictures, it must be a magical thing for them. But they live in Wisconsin now. I have a feeling that in a few years, they will tire of it and see it for what it is. Something cold, wet and annoying.

If you like snow, it's probably because you don't have to shovel it. My parking spot is behind my house, and you get to it by the alleyway. Last year at this time, DC suffered the worst snowstorms that have ever been recorded. Do you know how long it takes 4 people to dig out a car wide channel of snow that's 3 feet deep and an alley long --by hand? 6 hours!

I've never been a cold weather person. I love the beach, I love the sun, the sand, the water (the bikinis!). When I was in high school and college and my friends would take ski trips to Vermont, I would never go because...I hate the cold and I hate the snow. The idea of being outside all day and being wet and cold isn't appealing to me. But if you've never seen the snow, I guess it's magical. If you don't have to shovel it, I guess it is beautiful.

If it snows really hard here again, I hope I'm in Florida when it happens. I'd like to be watching it on TV, then going out to the pool with a towel and some sunscreen...I still hate the snow.

Message from the founder of BloomBars (www.bloombars.com). BloomBars is a non-profit arts center in Columbia Heights.

If you can't donate, pass this message on to a friend or family member who would be interested. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT and we are grateful for any help you can offer.

You can learn more and make a tax-deductible donation online at:
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

Now the message:

A WORLD WITHOUT BLOOMBARS

Dear Friends of BloomBars,

In a matter of days, we may be facing a world without BloomBars.

No more guitar lessons for kids every Sunday. No more impromptu jam sessions among new friends at Cipherstock. No more open mics for high school students and other artists honing their crafts as poets, musicians, comedians and storytellers in a supportive, alcohol-free, all-ages space. And no more music wafting out of our double-doors into the streets of Columbia Heights, welcoming neighbors and passerby to share the experience.

Please take 3 minutes to make a tax-deductible online donation to BloomBars to help us prevent this from becoming a reality. BloomBars is calling on people like you, who believe that art can transform communities and change lives, to donate now and stay in our home!
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

How often do you see children as young as 5 performing at an open mic? Or youth at a Saturday night rock concert bonding with the musicians during sound check? Or high school teachers sharing their poetry at an event attended primarily by their (cheering) students?

How often do you see people from all over the city and world-- regardless of age, race, or income-- come together and give a stranger a hug after listening to local musicians?

There aren't many places where cultural, generational, and socioeconomic diversity come together in a physical space-- particularly not around the arts. The simple choice to provide an alcohol-free, all-ages space for learning, performing, and engaging with each other has had amazing effects.

Without your support today our ability to keep growing (and the doors open) is in jeopardy.
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

I’ve heard BloomBars called a “venue.” It is not. It is you. It is me. It is our community. And its future is not guaranteed. Please, help us continue planting seeds.

There are three things we ask of you:

1. Make a tax-deductible donation now! WE HAVE LESS THAN 57 HOURS TO REACH OUR GOAL OF $20,000!
http://www.indiegogo.com/bloombars

2. Invite 10 friends to learn more about BloomBars on Facebook or via an email. We'll even make it extra easy: Here's a template you can use: http://www.bloombars.com/press-media/spread-the-word-in-2-clicks-email-template

3. Make the BloomBars logo your Facebook profile photo for a day.

We are counting on your support and your help in spreading the word!

Until Soon, Keep Blooming.

John R. Chambers
Chief Executive Gardener
BloomBars
www.indiegogo.com/BloomBars

meh...

I've been toying with the idea of starting a new blog, since I haven't been writing much on this one as of late. Watching it sit here is like watching that once mighty TransAm or Camaro sitting on blocks in the driveway, a mere shell of its former glory.

Stay tuned...

Capoeira Workshop on Sunday October 3, 2010

Hey All, be sure to check my friend Bomba's Capoeira Workshop at BTI Dance Institute on 14th street in downtown DC. It's on Sunday and it's a great opportunity to learn from the only Contra Mestre in Capoeira in DC!

	Sunday, October 3 · 4:30pm - 6:30pm
Location	BTI Dance Institute 1515 14th St NW Suite 200 (near P St) Washington, DC
Created By	Raimundo Bomba Dos
More Info	The D.C. area's only Contra-Mestre direct from Brazil will be conducting a capoeira regional workshop at BTI Dance. Beginning students will learn basic capoeira movements and by the end of the workshop will be able to execute a combination of movements in sequence. Intermediate students are also welcome, and will learn a combination based on their level of experience. No prior experience is necessary. Beginners should wear loose fitting clothing and light footwear; advanced capoeiristas should wear traditional white capoeira pants and a t-shirt. Come ginga with Contra-Mestre Bomba, Capoeira Barro Vermelho! Email bombabahia@gmail.com for more information or go to https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/ASP/home.asp?studioid=10515 to register. Cost is $29.

Random improvements

I've been too busy and unmotivated to do anything major at the fortress, but I have been smaller projects here and there, like painting, which takes only slightly more effort than laundry, when done correctly.

The key is to have all the right tools, like this mixing attachment that you put on to a power drill. Tools are awesome when they do all the work for you.






Here is the Living room window before. There were some repairs done to it, which is why there is new bare wood there. It looks better after painting.










Here is the living room window after. It looks cleaner, doesn't it? Well, except for that shitty looking radiator.




Here is the kitchen window before.












kitchen window after.





I also got out the heat gun (yes in the summer) and stripped some paint off the stairway railings to re-paint them.



stairs






stairs

This was a lot harder than it looked ("that's what she said!").

Crappy Singer's Publicity Stunt Makes Media Waves

The stupidity of the media never ceases to amaze me. Every year when PETA decides to run some outrageous publicity stunt, it always makes it onto the news. Like their commercial that was sooooo racy that it was banned from the superbowl. No mention is ever made of how they would have come up with a bajillion dollars to air the ad if it had been accepted and aired on the most expensive advertising slot in history.



Peta's Banned 2009 Superbowl Ad - Watch more Funny Videos

So you are surprised that the superbowl wouldn't run an ad that had a woman masturbating with a piece of broccoli? Really? That's news to you? You didn't see it coming (no pun intendend). It didn't occur to you that they intentionally wanted it rejected so that they wouldn't have to pay $20 million for a superbowl ad, but they would get millions in free advertising from the networks showing coverage about their "banned" ad?

Last week I saw a clip on the news about another publicity seeking moron. She is supposedly so intent on getting married that she set the date, booked the place (february 2011) and is now looking for a husband to meet and get married in less than a year. Is this woman an accountant? A lawyer? A human resources professional? Nope...surprisingly, she's in the entertainment business. Whaaaaa?!? An unsuccessful songwriter who's now on national television singing her sh1tty song about finding a husband. Lisa Linehan has parlayed this stupid stunt into a reality show, sponsorships and a media blitz. Way to go Lisa!



As for CNN and the other supposed news channels, I have news for you. We're fighting two wars and a recession. The nation is trillions of dollars in debt, the party in power in congress may change hands soon, there is a Supreme Court nominee who's fighting to get nominated etc. etc. etc. Why don't you use your bandwith for REAL news?

Earthquake smerthquake...

I don't think I've been in an earthquake before, and I've never heard of one happening in DC in the 10 years I've been here. Around 4am though, we got one. I was up since I had insomnia, which is a mixed blessing, I guess, since it would suck to have slept through that historic event. And yes, I would've slept through it because I can sleep through anything, including falling off the top of a bunk bed when I was a kid. I mean, I woke up sore in the morning, but I slept right through it (Feel free to mentally insert a "that's what she said" joke here).

Anyway, as far as earthquakes go, it was pretty mild. I actually didn't know it was an earthquake until I saw it on the news. It sounded and felt like there was a police helicopter hovering overhead looking for someone. I'm sure most people who are up at 4am and here what they think is a police helicopter outside would do the obvious like close down all the p0rn browsers on their computer, flush all thier cocaine down the toilet or throw more stuff on the pile of clothes hiding the dead hookers in the basement. But I did none of that. I just kept watching inane YouTube videos on failblog. Like this one:

free plug fridays

If you're going to be in town this weekend, a friend of mine is appearing in a group art show at the new Cre8 Space Gallery. It's a blues music themed art show and there will be a live performance at 8pm by blues guitarist Michael James "Blues" Baker, who is almost a thousand years old. The address is 1314 9th Street NW. (9th and M street). Click on the link above or THIS ONE for details.

Back to the Future

Well, it turns out that another important day in pseudo history came and went unnoticed by me and many others. It turns out that a couple of days ago was when Doc and Marty McFly went to
the future and hijinx ensued. Although July 5, 2010 must've seemed like a meelyun years in the future, it was, in actuallity not that far into the future--especially when you consider that Michael J. Fox still looks like a teenager(a teenager that's married to his mom, but still...).

When I saw this I was saddened a little bit. Sure, flying cars are almost here, but it will be a long time before I commute to work in one. And WTF happened to hoverboards?



If there is anything that kept me going during the dark period known as the 1990s, it was the thought that within 10 years I would have one of these bad boys and life would be good.

We can put a man on the moon, but we still don't have hoverboards?

Thank you Gentrification

It's no secret that I love gentrification. As more and more trendy restaurants and stores move into Columbia Heights, I get happier and happier. The more people who want to live here, the more my house will be worth when I decide to sell it soon. If some hipster who moved here a year and a half ago thinks that this place will lose something if it starts to look like Bethesda, I will laugh and try to keep from punching him in the face. When I moved here 6 years ago, this neighborhood was not much to look at. The Giant Supermarket had just opened up, but the Target Mall was still a few years away and unlike now, where you get a selection of Pho, Fusion, Mexican, Vegan and any other trendy dish that your heart can imagine, when I moved in here the only place to eat within walking distance of my house was the bullet proof chinese food place. It had a wall of bullet proof glass and if you wanted something, you YELLED your order through the bullet proof glass, placed your money in a bullet-proof lazy susan and passed it to the other side, then they would place your food in the bullet proof lazy susan and send it your way.

Now, a block away from that same bullet proof chinese place are a wine bar (with paninis!) and a new craft beer bar/restuarant, a brick oven pizza place, and a community arts center. Thank you gentrification!!!


Now, develepment doesn't happen uniformly everywhere. There has been an eyesore near the ninja fortress since before I moved in. A burned out shell of a building that once housed a jazz club, but currently houses mice when the weather gets bad.


Now that Gentrification has reached a certain point, even this burned out sh1t-hole is worth buying and fixing up into something nice. Gentrification = reinvestment in infrastructure. Get it?

So this former eyesore is being gutted as we speak and will very shortly (hopefully) look like this:





WELCOME FUTURE NEIGHBORS! If this place is a little to pricey for you, I have a nice fortress very near by that I'd be willing to sell you :)


(pic from capital city real estate)

Well, I'm on week 2 now of my Couch to 5K program. I've never been much of a jogger, but I think I can handle this. It starts of easy (run 60 seconds, walk 90) and takes about 1/2 hour out of my day. I've been doing it at lunch with a co-worker (insert a "that's what she said" joke here).

It starts of slowly like an old man lowering himself into a bathtub and the running intervals get longer and the rest periods get shorter until you are running the full 5k.

So far it's been fine and it will help my cardio. Next week I'm also going to start doing 3 classes of muay thai a week (same night as my jiu jitsu) and a capoeira class that I started on saturday. I'm hoping to do a jiu jitsu tournment in August so hopefully the threat of someone kicking my ass will motivate me to work harder to prepare for it. Winning a medal is nice, but not getting your ass kicked and having it posted on YouTube is nicer.

I didn't think I would like Capoeira, but it's fun. Sorta like a cross between yoga and break dancing. Georgette said that Capoeira looks amazing when it's done right, but it doesn't look that way when I do it. Still, it's a great workout. The next day you are sore in muscles that you didn't even know you had. The class is near my house and the instructor doesn't speak english, but with my "monkee see, monkey do" skills I manage it.

Trashcan Sinatras

I went to the Rock N Roll Hotel last night to see my favorite band, the Trashcan Sinatras. If you don't know who they are, I feel sorry for you. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of them, because they are far less popular than many shitty musicians (Yes Brett Michaels, I'm talking to you) but they are really good. They are the greatest (and possibly the only) rock band to ever come out of Scotland. I realize that saying you are the best band in Scotland is like saying you are the toughest kid on the chess team, but I assure you they are the best band you've never heard of.

I normally wouldn't be caught dead in Northeast DC (because it's not the safest area in DC and if you wander around there at night, you may literally be caught dead there), but I braved the rains, winds, junkies and hipsters and stayed up later than I should of on a school night, but it was worth it. I hope I can catch them on the their next US tour. In the meantime, I've got a cool T-shirt.

more questions than answers

I thought I would return to blogging, but I haven't felt like it much lately. My nephew, who turned 19 a couple of weeks ago, died in a car crash over Memorial Day weekend. That night I couldn't sleep at all and at 4am I watched this video more times than I can count. I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe I thought the outcome would change on one of those repeated viewings. Maybe I was looking for some kind of clue that it was all a mistake (that's not his car, somebody else was sitting in the driver's seat, maybe he made it out alive...). But no matter how many times I watched it, the ending never changed. Except for the crickets chirping, the video is eerily quiet and peaceful. They said he died on impact and didn't suffer. It's heartbreaking to watch, but although the ending never changes, at least it was peaceful.

Explanations are in order...not

Wow, I just noticed that, according to the date on my last post it's been about 5 months since I've written anything blogwise. If you think an explanation is in order, you'd be wrong. You get what you pay for, and I do this out of the goodness of my heart and my narcissistic vanity, so don't complain if it never comes ("that's what she said!"). I'm sure you'll get over the trauma of that just like you got over your first crush, or the dissapointment of learning that there is no Santa Claus (for those of you that learned that just now from reading this sentence, I want you to know that your parents only lied to you because they hate you, and that it will get better). I didn't get kidnapped and sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation; I didn't get hit by a car and I certainly didn't win the lottery--if I did, this blog is the last place I'd be right now. I just didn't feel like blogging. Writing is like a bowel movement (that's a simile your creative writing professor can be proud of), some people can do it regularly every morning and others need to be in the mood for it. You can't just will this sh1t into existence, right?

Well, I have been busy with work, the house, jiu jitsu, being the worlds greatest boyfriend etc, but not so busy that I couldn't have written if I really wanted to. The problem is that I didn't want to. I don't want to come here and make a big pronouncement like "I'M BACK B1TCHES!!!" because I felt like writing today and maybe I'll feel like writing tomorrow, or maybe I'll just make a sandwhich and ignore this blog like a petulant child pushing away that bowl of tater tots because, although he still loves tater tots, he's a big boy now. If your wondering where I'm going with this, that makes two of us. See you guys later, unless I don't. Zen much?

I've been making small incremental progress on the house. I painted the kitchen the other day, then had a barbeque with lots of beer, meat and people who love free beer and meat. Anyway, here are some before/after shots of the kitchen.

Before: Not bad, just too...white.











After: I like how the doors at the end stand out now.

Odds and Ends

Well, I'm going salsa dancing for the first time in a while on saturday. It's kind of a birthday thing. I haven't been to The Salsa Room in ages, but hopefully I still have some impressive moves. Back when I was dancing pretty regularly, I was asked a couple of times to join a performance group, but I seriously doubt that anyone would ask me that now (unless all the top dancers in the area died in a horrible plane crash and they started looking for improbable replacements). I think once I reached a certain level of skill with salsa, it stopped being a challenge, and I found other things to do. I didn't want to to keep at it long enough to be the best, because although I liked it a lot, it wasn't my life's passion or anything.

Someone asked me if I was going to keep doing jiu jitsu until I reached black belt. I don't know if I'll want to devote another 8 years or so to that goal, but I'm not as good as I want to be yet. Maybe in a couple of years I'll be where I want to be and find a new hobby. But jits is complicated and people keep inventing new moves all the time. I've heard from others that 10 years ago, no one played half guard, but nowadays there's people who specialize in butterfly guard, half butterfly, rubber guard, the 50/50 guard, X guard etc. Maybe it's sufficiently complex that you could do it forever and never master it? Or maybe working in an office means that I need some kind of physical activity to keep myself grounded. And there is nothing more physical than trying to rip someone's arm out of their socket when they are bigger than you and don't want to get their arm ripped out of it's proper socket. Just a thought.

Also, I started watching Lost recently. I don't want to be one of those annoying people who watches Lost and talks about it constanlty, but it's not bad (it would be much better if they killed off Charlie and Michael, who are incredibly annoying though). I think I find it tolerable because I can watch it on Netflix and not obsess about the cliffhanger endings. I can just go to the next episode and watch what happens. I am on Season 2 now, but I hope to be fully caught up by the time the final season comes on so that I can watch the last season with the rest of you losers...err, I mean dedicated fans. In the spirit of comraderie and fanship, here's a low-budget video re-cap of the first few seasons of Lost in 5 minutes. It was done by a guy and his extended italian family. All scenes were shot in his living room and basement. The special effects are pretty low-budget (and hysterical).

Thoughts on Steroids

Mark McGuire admitted being on steroids during the season when he set the record for the most homeruns in baseball. This is disapointing, but not surprising. If you look up Olympic gold medalists, you will find Carl Lewis' name displayed, but if you are old enough to remember the olympics that year, you will remember that he was smoked by a certain Canadian who was built like Schwartzenegger, but was stripped of the gold after her tested positive for roids. For all eternity, whenever they show old Carl winning the gold, you will see him getting beaten by a guy who looks like the terminator, and the announcer will tell you about the steroids and disqualification. If Mark is stripped of the record, I wonder if Sammy Sosa will be the Carl Lewis of baseball. (and if Barry Bonds is reading this, just because you haven't come clean like Mark doesn't mean that you are fooling anybody).

The difference between someone who bats .200 and someone who bats .300 is an extra zero on the end of your paycheck. That's a lot of money for such a small difference in performance. When there is so much money at stake and people keep expecting feats from sports athletes that are, literally, not humanly possible without steroids, it is not surprising that athletes will resort to that. The surpirsing thing is that most of the people who use steroids are not professional athletes. They are weekend warriors in the 30s looking for an edge. For them, it's not about money, it's about winning. And if you decided that winning is more important than winning fairly, then I guess you can justify all kinds of things like insider stock trading, rigging a presidential election, creating a mortgage apocalypse, or getting the government to bail out your sh1tty car companies. Maybe steroids are just a side effect of a winner-take-all society?

A well needed rest

I always disliked snow, but now I truly hate it. There are lots of people that love the snow, but those people are idiots. They enjoy snow because to them, it's a distraction...an opportunity for play. Those people probably live in an apartment and someone else shovels the snow for them. If you own a house, you are your own peon.

The blizzard that hit DC was the worst in recent memory. Almost 2 feet of snow. I have been in DC for almost a decade and whenever the weather man says 4-6 inches of snow, it usually means an inch of snow, so when they said 18-24 inches of snow were expected, I didn't believe it.
After shoveling snow for six hours, I was finally able to get my car back into the driveway. My back was killing me from being bent over for six hours ("that's what SHE said!!!"). So it's good to be in florida for a little bit to recharge my batteries.

I almost didn't get here since my original flight was cancelled and Delta (worst airline ever) re-booked me without consulting me (or using common sense). I don't know if you know about geography, but if you draw a line from DC to Miami, the shortest route does not involve going through New York City. And to top that off, they booked me a flight that would involve me flying into NY via JFK airport (in Queens) and flying out of Newark airport (about 1.5. hours away, if you don't hit traffic). I have no idea how I was supposed to get from one airport to other...maybe Delta has some kind of teleportation machine?

I spent the next 48 hours trying to call Delta and the line was always busy. Busy at 10 am, busy at 1opm, busy at 4 am. I got through 4 times and three of those times I was hung up on. I repeat DELTA IS THE WORST AIRLINE EVER!. When I finally spoke to a person (in Mumbai, of course), he assured me that there were no flights available to Florida before Christmas. Since this wasn't an acceptable option, I spoke to a supervisor who got me on a flight which magically appeared.

Florida has been relaxing so far, except for the family drama which changes every year, but never ends. It's like being in an episode of Lost except that the crazy people with hidden agendas are your family.

I did have a fun time yesterday though. I went to an alligator park in the everglades and learned the proper way to wrestle an alligator, and also how to survive in the swamp if you are stuck there without an airboat. If civilization collapses in 2012, these may be surprisingly useful skills to have.

I'll be back home on Tuesday, then I have to get my place ready for a new year's eve party. I am hoping all the snow is melted by then since I don't plan on doing any shovelling. Party because my back doesn't like shoveling snow and party because someone stole my snow shovel. Welcome to Columbia Heights!!!

Staph!

Blech! So the lab results came back and it turns out that I had a staph infection in my knee. Although it was really painful (and gross when they cut it open to get the nasty stuff out), I guess I should be happy because I've heard some horror stories about staph infections (including death).

Plus, in an odd way, I feel like this makes me a real jiu jitsu player. I don't think I would consider someone a real boxer if they've never had their nose broken, and in a strange way I don't think you've spent enough time on the mats to consider yourself serious about jits until you've caught some kind of nasty skin deasease (or torn an ACL). It's been about 3 weeks now, so I think I will try to go back next week and start to ease my way back into it.

In other news, I think next year I will test out my heating system BEFORE the first really cold day. As one of my summer projects, I changed the regular thermostat for a programmable one and never bothered to test it. When it wouldn't turn on yesterday I assumed the problem lay there ("that's what she said!"), but it turned out to be something completely unrelated. After a trip to home depot to find a voltage tester and a few hours of opening up walls, switchboxes and outlets, I found the problem. The switch for the emergency shut off was bad. So I was able to fix it pretty easily by installing a new switch. It was good that I found it in time, because I was freezing my butt off and I was about an hour away from rigging up a ghetto contraption straight to the furnace using an extension cord and some pliers if I couldn't get it going. There's 4 hours of my life that I won't get back. Grrrrr....which is better than Brrrrrrr...

Infection...

I won't post a picture of my knee because you might be eating, but I've been having a knee...issue. It was bothering me during jiu jitsu class, but it was no worse than any of the other bangs and bruises that I've suffered at the hands of that cruel samurai art. It got progressively worse though and by midnight I could no longer walk up the stairs. I thought I'd rest it a couple of days, but the pain got really bad and my knee started to swell. It looked like someone put a small shot glass under my knee. The GF was kinda grossed out by it so I started to suspect it might be worse than I thought. I tried to find out what it was on the internet, and it looked like "bursitis" so I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor the following day (the same place that I went to when I broke my finger doing jits). The doctor took one look at it said it wasn't bursitis.

Dr: No...that's not bursitis. That's an infection...a really, really bad infection. Do you know how it started?

[I wanted to say that it hurt during class, so I did what I normally do when I am injured: ignore it and keep practicing, but I thought that would sound ridiculous]

Me: who knows how these things happen? I blame the republicans...

He wanted to cut my knee open right then and there, but since I'm squeemish about blood and needles, he put me on a strong antibiotic and said to come back in a couple of days. After a couple of days the thing didn't look any better (he thought it looked worse, and it still hurt like a mofo) so he cut it open and drained out the fluid.

Normally I would be happy to get some vicodin around the holidays, but I was in so much pain that I couldn't even enjoy it. After a day or two though, I feel a LOT better. My knee still looks like a weasel took a bite out it, but now I can walk almost normally. I hope it will be better by next week. There's a tournament I wanted to attend when I get back in town, but right now I'm in the wrong weight class (no, I'm not fat, I'm just either a little too short for my weight or I need to start doing a lot steroids).

ANYWAY. Flying out tomorrow, so Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Getting there

The Brazilian consulate in DC is like a metaphor for third world. It's hot, crowded, incompetent and unfair. There is a bulletproof glass partition separating the great unwashed from the bureaucrats and surly people giving you confusing and sometimes contradictory information. When I went, it was the middle of summer and there was no air conditioning. Well...no air conditioning for the tourists. The people behind the glass were apparently nice and cool, but the rest of us were not so lucky. I don't know if you've ever been in DC in the summer, but this town was built on a swamp and it gets hot and humid in here. Many people don't know this, but ball sweat was invented in DC right before the civil war. Although back then it was known as "testicular perspiration" or "Lincoln's laundry".

Brazil require a lot of things to get your visa, not the least of which is a cashier's check for the exact amount you owe them. I had to make an extra trip there because my visa was $130, but the GF's visa was extra $10 because I was dropping it off for her. Would they take cash or a credit card for the difference? HAHAHAHAHA!!! No, just take another half day off work and wait in line again and you'll be fine.

After eventually getting the Brazilian visas, I high-tailed it over to the Paraguayan embassy for one of theirs. Paraguay's embassy is the size of a decent rowhouse in Dupont. The security guard was somebody's grandfather and the people behind the glass were somebody's cousins from that side of the family that you don't talk about in public.

We dropped the passports off and swung by on the morning of our flight because they apparently couldn't stamp two passports without at least a week of lead time. When we got there, they lost the passport...panic ensued. Even if we couldn't the paraguayan visa's, we couldn't go anywhere without our passports and our tickets were already paid for and non-refundable. I contemplated each of us losing $1000 on plane tickets and wondered if the grandpa guard would be able to stop me from strangling the strange woman who didn't seem to be too concerned about my lost passport....TO BE CONTINUED.

Some cultural differences between Brazilians and Gringos.

I have a backlog of Brazil posts to do, but I'll start off with a small one ("that's what SHE said!"). One of the most glaring differences between Brazilians and Americans (besides the language and weight) is the cultural attitudes, especially about sex. In the US, it's very common for people in a bar or club to drunkenly make out, then never see each other again. In Brazil, drunken anonymous hook ups are just as common, but they usually result in a different kind of exchange of bodily fluids. In the US, "slut" is an insult, whereas the Brazilian equivalent "Devassa" has no negative connotations. Sweeet!

What's most shocking/funny is the attitude towards sex in advertising. If you think ads in the US can be racy, you've seen NOTHING. One of the funniest things I ran accross in Brazil is the warning labels on cigarette packs. Here, we have the Surgeon General's cancer warning, which no one reads, but in Brazil, the entire back of the pack is a vivid warning about some possible side effects: "Cancer", "Emphysema", "heart attack", "suffering" etc. But by far the most interest side effect warned about on cigarrettes is:



IMPOTENCE!!!

That's right, you can't get it up, smokers. Think about that next time you think you can't quit. It's a very common site in Brazil for some young man to ask for a pack of cigarrettes, turn the pack over, and say to the vendor "No, I don't want impotence...give me cancer or emphysema or suffering, but I don't want you to give me impotence!". Superstition? Or just good sense?

Another interesting thing in Brazil is the lack of political correctness. I don't think you could open a chain of resaurants in the US if you used a racist cartoon as your mascot.

Despite the cartoon, I did eat here...and everywhere else in Brazil. I ate everything that wasn't nailed down (and some things that were). But more on that in future posts...

Art Show For Charity

Hey All...a few of my artist friends are doing an art show for charity at Busyboys and Poets on November 11th. Object will also be playing there for free. Please check it out, buy some art and support a worthwhile charity.

Free money?

I saw this at the place I do meditation sometimes in Bethesda. Apparently, someone dropped some money and the person who found it (rather than keeping it) put it on the bulletin board announcing where they found it so the owner could presumably reclaim it.

Since money naturally draws people's attention, I saw dozens of people look at the board and read the sign as they walked by. Anyone could have claimed the money and no one would have known it wasn't theirs, but no one did.

I am sure that buddhists have jobs and mortgages, just like everyone else, but none of them took the money for the simple reason that it belonged to someone else (or possibly they were born catholic and would feel guilty about it till the day they died and would burn in hell forever for doing it...Hi Father Caputo!). I remember once I was at a bar and a bartender gave me change for a twenty, even though I paid with a ten. When I returned it to her, another patron (in a douchebag shirt) said to me "if that was me, I would've kept it". I took one look at that ridiculous affliction t shirt and I knew that he would've. But even if noone else would know, I would. And I guess that makes a difference. It starts little by little and if you act like a low life in small things, then you'll do it with bigger things, and eventually you have a wardrobe full of skull tees, a faux hawk with a head full of blonde highlights, a drawer full of steroids and you're on Tool Academy and you wonder how you got there...

blad blogger

I've been posting so infrequently that I actually forgot my password. Oh well. I'm having a blast down in Rio and I should have some pics and stories for when I get back. I haven't been in a bloggy mood lately, but I'm not willing to let this thing die of neglect. When it's time to go, I will strangle it with my bare hands or turn it over to someone from the Bush white house so they can kill it the same way they killed our freedom.

Reality TV

On my day off when I was doing some last minute embassy/visa stuff for my upcoming trip to Rio (don't hate the playa, hate the game , bitchez), I was in a local coffee shop and I saw a TV crew filiming an HGTV show (Real Estate Intervention).


I chatted briefly with the host (GF should stop reading this now) who is even hotter in person than she is on TV. She was very nice and gave me the contact info for someone at casting for the show, so I think I will call her when I come back from vacation.

Here is a secret shot I took of the filming. You can see the GF in the foreground eyeing a vegan muffin sandwhich.

Besides the 3 people in the shot, there were an additional 4 people out of my camera range with various pieces of equipment.

So the next time I hear someone from the Hills or the Real World MTV claim that it's "real" because eventually you forget that the cameras are even there, I call bullsh1t. If this many people are needed for a one-camera show, how many do you need for the 3-4 camera setups on MTV's The "Real" World DC?