Well, I’m going to add to my list of mad skillz. It turns out that I have so many of them that sometimes I don’t even know that I have them until I test myself and find out. In that way, mad skillz are like Chlamydia. They exhibit no symptoms until tested.
Next week I’ll talk about my newly acquired skillz with concrete cinder blocks and stucco, but this week we’ll be talking about my toy crane skillz.
You see, it’s like this: In ye olde days there were certain rites of passage that separated the men of the tribe from the boys. Sometimes you would go into the woods and kill a bear with a sharpened stick to complete your passage into manhood, other times you might be required to circumcise yourself using only coconut shards. If those primitive tribes had poseessed modern technology, they would separate those worthy of joining the hunting party from the girly men with the ultimate test of manhood—the toy crane.
I know that some people (i.e. people who are not real men) think that the toy crane is rigged and that it’s impossible to get a stuffed animal or ugly baseball hat no matter how many times you play it. Laydeez, have you ever been out on a date and suspected that the guy with you wasn’t a real man because he couldn’t work the toy crane, but convinced yourself that he might be datable, only to later discover that he is just as incompetent with the female control panel as his is with the esoteric and capricious toy crane. See, ladies and gentlemen, the toy crane is the alpha and the omega of manhood. It is the method by which real manhood is based.
I know that some people think that the real measure of a man is how kind and giving he is to others…excuse me, I don’t mean to laugh at people who think that. Other people think that manhood is determined by the size of a man’s, errrr, manhood; how much money he makes or how fast a car he drives (usually, the smaller the manhood, the faster the car).
But I am here to tell you that it’s not. Ladies, the only two ways to tell if you are dating a real man is by his ability to lay hardwood flooring and his ability to work the toy crane.