I looked in my freezer and all I had were some salmon steaks. I hated this guy’s car, but at $19 a pound from the Yuppiemart, that would be a very expensive practical joke.
Passive aggressiveness has a price people, and I decided that price would be $1.69. Soooooo, I opened up a can of tuna and made my way to the trespassing auto.
As I made my to his car with the dripping can of revenge, Starvin Marvin saw me. I was busted fish-handed. I threw out the open can of Tuna and went to lay the law of my driveway down to Starvin Marvin.
Ninja: Look man, I tried to be a nice guy and left a note on your windshield. You read the note, and STILL left your car in my driveway. Now it’s time for you to get your car out of my driveway.
Starvin’ Marvin: Yes, but I moved my car to the side so you can get by.
Ninja: That doesn’t matter. If I left a box of weights in your doorway and told you to step around it, would you be okay with that? I don’t want to drive around your car. What if I hit it?
Starvin’ Marvin: I’ll take responsibility.
Ninja: Oh really? I have a better idea…MOVE YOUR FCUKING CAR!
Starvin’ Marvin: Why are you being like this
Ninja: because it’s my driveway. You don’t live here, you don’t even live on this block. MOVE THE CAR NOW or I’m towing it.
Starvin’ Marvin: But my friend said I could park here.
Ninja: Yeah? Well guess what? Your friend can’t give you permission to park someplace that he doesn’t own…MOVE YOUR CAR.
Starvin Marvin: But I can't put in the street becasue my temporary tags have expired.
Ninja: Well, you know where else you can't put it? In my driveway. MOVE YOUR CAR.
This went on for several minutes. The more he tried to negotiate, the more intransigent I became. I’m not hear to haggle over melons in an Ethiopian farmers market. I want my driveway, with no car in it, and nothing else. I kept threatening to call the cops and tow truck and the guy was scared sh1tless. He obviously doesn’t know how useless the DC Police are and assumed that the DC Police were like the police in the Ethiopia where they come, flip a coin to decide who’s right and shoot the other guy.
Starvin’ Marvin: Why can’t you be a nice guy and let me leave it here ‘till tomorrow.
Ninja: The last time I was a nice guy and parked my car in the street, I got a $50 ticket. So if you want me to be a nice guy, give me $50 and you can park here for the next 8 hours.
Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $50.
Ninja: Too bad. Then move your car.
Starvin’ Marvin: But—
Ninja: Okay, now it’s $100.
Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $100 eith—
Ninja: THEN MOVE YOUR CAR NOW.
So after a few minutes of “negotiation” the deal we reached was that Starvin Marvin would move his car and I wouldn’t call the cops on him (again).
So, the story has a happy ending (for me, which is what matters). I got my driveway back, and he hasn’t been back since. I don’t know what ever became of Starvin’ Marvin, and frankly I don’t really care. As long as my parachute opens, fcuk him and his car with the expired temp tags!