Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dear Van In My Driveway

Dear Van Parked in My Driveway:

I know you have Virginia plates, but things work differently here in DC. See, here, you can't park in someone's driveway like an a-hole just because you don't want to leave your car on the street even though I counted two empty spaces in front of my house. You see, it's a shared alleyway, which means that everyone can drive up and down it, but no one can park there, because that would make driving on it a lot harder, understand?

Imagine my surprise when I was trying to exit my icy driveway and my car was slip-sliding all over the ice and it took me a full 20 minutes to get around your nice van without damaging it (believe me, I couldn't give 2 sh1ts about your van, it's my car I'm worried about). Well...when I finally got done, you can understand why I a little upset with you, and surprised to find that you hadn't locked your doors.

Now part of me thought I should do something vile, like take a dump in your seat or tell a homeless person they could sleep there for the night. Part of me thought I should just forgive and forget. Well, since I was short on time, out of toilet paper and not in a forgiving mood, I compromised. I left your door open just enough so that the dome light would stay on all night and your battery would be dead in the morning. Clever, huh? I hope you had a nice time trying to get someone random passerby to come to the alley to give you're car battery a jump (in the hood, no one's going to let you lure them into an alley) or paying a tow truck to come and give your car a jump start. Fair warning Virginia van: Park in my driveway again, and next time I will take the biggest dump of my life in your car and wipe my butt with your insurance and registration in the glove compartment. Have a great weekend!!!!




I found out the Helio Gracie, founder/creator of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu died this morning. RIP.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

ice capades.

When I was a kid, snow was fun. I miss that. Now snow means having to wake up at 6 am to shovel my steps and the front of my house. I have a rowhouse, so it's not a HUGE deal, but it's annoying nonetheless. I guess what's so annoying is how pointless it all is. I don't have a lot of free time, but I have to get up early and spend time I would've spent doing something else, just to get my house to be how it was the day before (i.e. without snow in front of it). And every time it snows, I will have to do it again, with no payoff. It's like running in place, all that time and energy for nothing. (I was going to write that it's like dating a virgin, but this is a not PG-13 blog, so I want to keep the talk of handjobs to a minimum).

I know what you're going say, that if that's the way you feel, then why don't you stop wiping your turd cutter when you go to the bathroom? After all, it's only going to get dirty again, right? Well, that's different because everyone has to wipe their chocolate factory, but only people who were dumb enough to buy a house have to do things like shovel their driveway and fix leaky pipes. If I lived someplace warm (or in a condo) I wouldn't have to worry about shovelling my driveway (only wiping my chocolate starfish).

Since I'm the only sucker who got up early to shovel the ice/snow off his sidewalk, I had to slip and slide on the ice on the way to public transportation this morning. There was no way I was going to make it to the metro with all that ice and my broken toe, so I decided to ride the bus to work. Let me just say that society has a lowest common denominator, and you see what that is on the bus. Aside from the fact that most of the people on the bus were human (albeit barely), I don't think I had a lot in common with them and I think I'll learn to appreciate the mouth-breathers on the metro from now on. Another thing that sux: Although waiting for a train sux, at least your doing it inside.

Although the bus stop is only a block and half away, I barely made it and almost fell more than once (ice and snow turns to rain if you don't shovel it overnight). I hope I don't fall and hurt myself, but if I do, I reaaaaaallly hope it's in front of someone's house who has a lot of money and a home owner's insurance company that pays out really quickly and generously.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Actual Recent Conversations with the Girlfriend

[after I drove over a huge pothole and almost killed my car]

Her: the way, watch out for that's

Me: You could've mentioned that before I ran over it. You could
break an axle on that thing.

Her: Or you could just drive around it?

[discussion about proper names of body parts]

Her: Stop saying "Chocolate Starfish" and "Turd cutter." Those
are stupid names for someone's butt.

Me: What am I supposed to call it then?

Her: The Chocolate Factory.

[in the car and we spot a sign for Leesburg]

Her: What the hell is a Leesburg?

Me: It's a town with a bunch of antique shops. Why? Do you want to buy an antique?

Her:'re my antique.

[talking about guys night out]

Her: I know exactly what you guys do when you hang out at a

Me: Oh really, what's that?

Her: You drink a few Brewskis with your Bros, eat some buffalo wings, watch the game, and high five each other when you talk about chicks.

Me: That's completely one calls it a brewski.

[pointing out a new chainstore in my neighbrohood]

Me: Hey look! They just opened up a [national chain store] in my neighborhood.

Her: Yeah, we have one of those in Bethesda, except without the muggers and junkies in front.

Friday, January 23, 2009

inauguration over...go home, tourists

I never doubted that we would one day have a black president, but I always assumed the first black president would be a republican. See, I figured that since the current crop of republicans will do anything to win *cough* sarah palin *cough**cough*, I just figured that they would pick someone who was black but who stood for all the things that black folks find repugnant, like this guy, and then they would get a lot of the black vote and white religious nuts would have to decide if they preferred a president who is black or one who supports abortion and gay marriage, an their homophobia and religious extremism would overpower their racism. If you think that's far fetched, think about all the Hillary Clinton voters who voted for Sarah Palin even though, ideologically, she's as close to Eva Braun as you can get without a swasticka.

Back to the point. Yeah! New president. Wow, it's really interesting to see all those out of state license plates from places like Maine, Arizona and California. I don't know who told you it would be a good idea to drive into DC over the inauguration weekend. Maybe you thought it would be a good idea to have a car with you and you somehow thought that no one would have the same bright idea as you. But they did. And although this town might need your tourist dollars, I don't need you taking up my parking spots, and I definitely don't need you almost hitting my car with your stupid minivan because you are too busy pointing things out to those inbred mongrels you call children in the back seat. That's right, minivan lady with the North Dakota plate. Don't honk and get offended that I gave you the middle finger in front of your children. They don't look smart enough to understand language, and you cut me off, so I'm in the right here. So watch where you're going, buy some nice souvenirs of the Washington Monument, get back in your minivan and go home.

By the way...I have off-street parking behind the ninja fortress, but most of the week I was parking on the street and taking up valuable parking spaces that could be utilized by tourists. why? because you cut me off, that's why!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Your Butt Called me again

When I switched from a flip phone to one with the buttons on the face, a curious thing happened. I started calling my girlfriend a lot accident. You see, theoretically the phone locks up and you have you to hit a button to unlock it, which is supposed to prevent you from calling people with your butt when you sit down. Unfortunately, on my phone, the button you hit to unlock it is the biggest button...right in the middle of the phone.

My phone doesn't call random people though, it's usually the girlfriend who at first thought it was funny, but quickly tired of it.


GF: My phone's ringing, who would be calling me this early?

Me: Probably some douchebag telemarketer.

GF:'s you, your butt is calling me...AGAIN!!!

A couple of weeks ago, my GF devised a brilliant idea to keep that from happening again. "Watch this!" She said as she took my phone from my back pocket and put it in front pocket. Of course, I can't walk around with a phone in my front pocket because it makes it look like I have a constant erection and, I mean, who wants that, right?

This morning it happened again (the phone call, not the constant erection) and I receive a text message from the GF at 8 am.

GF: Your Butt called me again this morning.

Me: It was freezing...maybe it was calling for help?

Yeah, it was bitterly cold today. So cold that I didn't make it from the metro to my office without stopping into a Staples store (and a bagel store) just to warm up. That's why history or no, I am not attending the inauguration on Tuesday, but will watch it from the warm toasty seat I have in my bedroom. And by seat, I mean bed. I will also not be attending the free concert on the mall. I know it's not everyday that you get to see U2 and Beyonce playing a free concert, but when you turn to the news and they are giving concert goers tips on how to avoid hypothermia, that's when I know it's not for me.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Did I Break My toe?

I've been limping since monday. The toe next to my pinky toe hurts...a lot. I tried to do a takedown on someone in class, but instead of throwing him onto the mat, I threw him onto my foot. Luckilly, it only really hurts when I'm walking...or standing...or wearing shoes. I've been trying not to put weight on it, but I can't drive to work everyday, so going to the metro and back is killing me.

I know I should probably go to the doctor, but I won't unless it's not better by next week because 1) I realllllly hate doctors. I have a phobia about needles and hospitals and walking into a hospital and smelling that antiseptic hospital smell makes me sick to my stomach (so does watching Oprah or The View). 2) I don't want to waste a day just so that they will tell me "yes. it's broken, but there's nothing you can do about a broken toe except be a man and stop b1tching about it". 3) I'm sure that going to the emergency room is expensive, even with insurance, and I would rather spend that money on beer, p0rn, and get rich quick schemes.

Been busy, but will try to post the florida vacation pics soon. I type with my fingers, not my toes, so I don't really have an excuse for not doing it.