Friday, September 05, 2008

that time I got shot with a BB gun...

I haven't posted the follow up because I've been too lazy, to upload the picture. I like to think of it as being busy, but I'm sure catching up on Flight of the Conchords on DVD doesn't qualify me as a mover and a shaker in the corporate world. Donald Trump is not looking over his shoulder and worrying about me, which is fine by me. When my lotto tickets hit, he won't even see it coming.

So...the story. I was out with my lady friend salsa dancing and we came back around 3am. I changed out of my free beer shirt* and we went to walk the dog around the block. Have I mentioned that I live in what people in Bethesda would consider "the hood"? I know they say my neighborhood is "up and coming" but I really wish it would hurry up and get there already; wherever that is.

So around the corner from the ninja fortress, I hear a pop and feel what feels like a bee sting and notice I am bleeding. I didn't see where the shot was coming from, but I was pissed off. I heard more pops so I knew they were still shooting and I didn't want the girl or the dog to get injured so I walked them home. My first thought was to get my samurai sword (yes, I have one...don't ask), and look for who did this and teach them a lesson, but I figured I should call the DC cops (who suck) because I'm sure if I go there and cut someone's head off, then everyone will think *I'M* the asshole. So we call the cops and the patrol car gets there pretty quickly and the cops proceed to ask me idiotic questions:

Cop: Why were you walking your dog at 3:30 in the morning?

Ninja: Because she had to go to the bathroom.

Cop: aren't you afraid of walking around at this time of night?

Ninja: Not really...I know a little jiu jitsu.

Cop: How do you know you were shot by a bb gun? How do you know
they didn't just throw a rock at you?

Ninja: Because i'm bleeding...from this hole in my arm that's the size of a's right behind the hole in my shirt that's the size of a bb...I don't remember the last time someone threw a rock at me, but I'm sure it doesn't look like this.

Long story short, we had to wait 2 hours for a detective to arrive. we went around the corner and I showed her where the incident happened. She also asked how I knew it was a bb gun and I described the popping sound.

Detective: Like that popping sound?

Ninja: Yes.

Detective: it
sounds like it's coming from that streetlamp. Maybe it wasn't a bb gun?

Ninja: or...maybe they are still shooting at us...right now.

Yes, these morons were two police cars. Then the cops spied a bunch of drunk kids on a nearby porch and went over and found the BB gun and cuffed the one who was trying to hide it. Since they didn't see who shot at us, what do you think they did?

a) arrested everybody and let them spend the night in jail until they turn on the shooter
b) beat the kid to within an inch of his life
c) let everyone go and confiscated their bb gun.

The correct answer is c). Yes, because that will solve the problem since I'm sure you can't buy another gun on eBay for $20. I may have the last laugh though. I got a good look at a couple of those guys and if I see one of them walking by himself I'm gonna tackle him to the ground and break his arms.

The next morning I find out that my date's car was broken into. They messed with one of the locks and broke a window trying to get in before the alarm scared them off.

I'm not sure if the BB fell out and I wasn't about to sit in an emergency room for 6 hours, so I just went home. And people wonder why I think DC cops suck. A couple of days ago I was walking towards the metro to get a bite to eat and I notice that a street was closed off. Apparently someone was shot a couple of blocks from my house. I wonder if they arrested that guy or just took away his gun?

Me with the free beer shirt and a hottie.

Me with the bullet hole.

*there is a story behind the free beer shirt, but the short version of it is that a gay guy bought me a beer once because he liked my shirt...well, that and because he was cruising for deviant sex.


Anonymous said...

Oh, wow! The hole in your arm looks worse than I thought. Hopefully those kids get what they deserve...

(Go, you, with the hottie!)

Carrie M said...

the words "gay" and "shirt" seem to come up more often on your blog. just sayin'...

and, ouch. i know i'm practically a pariah for living out in the burbs, but at least i don't have to worry about the protection of DC cops. b/c you know...mont county is much better.

Barbara said...

I would be a little worried about what might happen if the BB is indeed still inside.

Muskego Jeff said...

How do you stand on the wall like that in the second picture? Are you a ninja or Spider Man?!

Cool party trick.

Anonymous said...

Oh crap! Those little punks. I can't believe that the cops didn't arrest them! Sure, it might *only* be a BB gun, but it's still a damn weapon! And they intended to injure you and to damage the police car!

It's like the police were inviting not only more violence against you and your neighbours in future, but also against themselves. D'oh!

FoggyDew said...

A friend of mine, Steve, once made an independent feature film (Delicate Art of the Rifle) where the action was based on the Charles Whitman shootings at UT. Steve also bears an uncanny resemblance to Whitman.

Long story short, Steve brought the film to SouthXSouthwest in Austin and was walking near the UT tower where Whitman did his thing and was himself shot ... by a BB gun.

Although he said it hurt, it was one of the proudest moments of his life. He made News of the Weird.

Cyndy said...

I hope your BB injury heals quickly! You should definitely make sure it's not still in there.

Jean Martha said...

First things first, are you rocking bangs in 2008?

Quinn said...

And here I had such high hopes for that hottie, Mayor Fenty.

Sara said...

At least now you can say you survived a "shoot out". In my opinion it gives you some street cred and toughens your image a little.
After getting robbed at gun point once, I feel like I'm invincible. I'm really not sure if that's a good thing.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

zandria: thanks. what are the odds that karma is real?

Carrie M: first of all, that shirt (like the sweater) is metro. And yes, I know the burbs has a lot going for it.

Barbara: I'll see if I feel something when it's healed.

Muskego Jeff : thanks, but it's just lazy photography.

talkingbudgie: I know...cops suck here.

FoggyDew: I'd rather be anonymous and happy than famous and shot, but to each his own.

Cyndy: will do...when I am less busy. ummmm...maybe...

Quinn: he's all sizzle and no steak, IMHO

Sara: yeah, my girlie was calling me a badass :)

Anonymous said...

DC: Nice place to visit; better place to not live.

Corey said...

Sounds like DC's cops may be worse than Baltimore.

RACHELbean said...

You once left a comment on my blog and I have been hooked on yours ever since. You make me laugh outloud every time I read one of your posts. I hope your bullet wound heals well but you really should make sure it's not still in there. Keep up the hilarious reports from the Ninja Fortress. I'm a big fan :)