Friday, November 23, 2007

Not So Black Friday and A Modest Proposal

I don't really like people. Well, I like them individually, or in small groups, but in a crowd I can't stand them. The lack of crowds is probably the biggest selling point for being a good Catholic. Since 99.9% of the population is going to hell (yes, this includes you polytheistic animists, buddhists, and protestants), the lines for the bathroom there must be outrageous. I'd much rather go to the nice place (although the people there are probably the condensending religious nuts that I can't stand, so I'll probably have to spend most of my time on the Holy Xbox 360).

Anyway, when I was younger* I used to work in retail selling electronics, and Black Friday was the worst day of the year. It wasn't then that I started hating crowds (I've always hated them) but it definitely took a pre-existing condition and made it worse. Like when someone is afraid of heights, and you take them to a high place and throw live snakes at them, so that they are now afraid of heights and snakes...and you. The rude people, the jostling, the people grabbing you ("I WAS HERE FIRST"), the screaming kids, the screaming parents, the screaming salespeople. Ugh!.

Part of the reason that I'm grateful that most of my family is in Florida (and the rest are in NYC) is that I can do most of my Christmas shopping online. That's right, people, those computer things you are staring at are used for things other than reading my blog and looking at p0rn. I probably miss out on a lot of those doorbuster sales where they sell you a 52" flat screen TV for $99 if you are one of the first 10 people to show up at 4am and are willing to kneecap an old lady in front of you to get it, but then again I don't have to deal with people.

If you are a person, don't take that personally. As I've said, if you're reading this and I met you individually, I would probably like you. But if were in a crowd (especially one with torches and pitchforks chanting "kill Home Improvement Ninja") then I would probably think you sucked. No offense.

Which brings me to my point. (yes, I have a point...sometimes). If I was in charge of the world, I would fix the holidays. I would fix everything in fact. I could solve the crime problem because I can take one look at someone and tell if they are a criminal (I grew up in NYC, so it's not that difficult since most people in NYC are crooks) and just order them executed.

But back to the holidays. Holidays suck because of the crowds. And the crowds are there because everyone celebrates Christmas on the same day. Well, I have a solution. If I was in charge, I would justgive everyone a different day for Christmas. That way, the crowds would be spread out over 365 days a year. In case you're wondering when Christmas would be for you (because it's always about YOU isn't it?), well your day to GIVE gifts would be on your birthday.

Besides the crowds, doing it my way would also make people remember your birthday, because if they didn't come over and give you a birthday gift, then they wouldn't get a Christmas gift in return. It's genius in it's simplicity. Now all I need is to be appointed dictator (hahaha Dick- Tater) and I will fix all your problems.

*wow, that makes me sound old. Lemme tell you about when I was a kid before we had computers and the internets. We walked to school (5 miles each way) and looked things up in these heavy things called books, that had sharp things called pages that would cut your fingers. Ronald Reagan was president back then...


Anonymous said...

Well, you overlooked something. Christmas is on December 25th because that's our Savior's birthday. If you moved it, it would have no meaning.

Muskego Jeff said...

I disagree. If we follow the Home Improvement Dictator's proposal, we should get some really cool gifts on Dec 25th. Jebus probably has deep pockets, so I'd think we could all get cool flat-screen TVs - that'd be sweet.

I think everybody should be forced (at gunpoint if need be) to work retail at least once between Thanksgiving and Christmas. There would be a lot more patience in the world if that were the case. I did my time at Best Buy. Since that time, I've never shopped on Black Friday regardless of how good the sales are.

Valley Girl said...

Ugh, I hate crowds, too. Which is why I am at home right now drinking last night's champagne and eating stuffing leftovers.

Anonymous said...

i worked retail back in my younger days too.. thats why im doing alll my shopping on cyber the worst thing that can happen would be a sever crash in silicon valley... this way ..i can blame crazy californians if anyone doesntnt get a gift...

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling you. Crowds suck. Buying gifts online is definitely the way to go!


OMG your o so silly.... Ronald REagan ? Really? lol

Barbara said...

The ultimate in ushering in this jolly season was the duo of young black women who were paying people $50 apiece to let them move ahead in line at a local PG County store. That is truly sick behavior.

Carrie M said...

anon - yeah. b/c moving christmas day from the 25th is why it would lose its meaning.

christmas and my birthday are within about 10 days of each other, so i could get on board with moving my christmas. oh, and Xbox 360? I spent three hours playing rockband with friends last night. Best. Game. Ever.

Lesli Richardson (aka Tymber Dalton) said...

To the commenter who is fixated on the "date" of Christmas: Actually, the Catholic church as already moved Christmas from it's original date -- the 25th was made to coincide with a pagan holiday observance, Yule, to try to convert more pagans to Christianity. Ditto with Easter. Research it. And btw, a Christmas tree was also a pagan thing, so if you're putting up a tree, you're *gasp* participating in pagan rituals. *LOL* (Ditto the Easter eggs!)

Actually Ninja, I WOULD vote for you for dictator. You'd be a helluva lot better than most of the ones running for office now. Like you, I also hate crowds. (And working retail. I can probably never work retail again or I'd most likely hurt someone. *LOL*) Like you, I love to shop online. Sort of a vicarious thrill when the packages arrive here (I can hand mine off to relatives) and I can open them. (For ME!?!) Then I wrap them and watch someone ELSE get to open them too. Double the thrill. *LOL*

Ronald Regan rocked! *LOL* ("We begin bombing Russia in 5 minutes." *LOL*) Couldn't go shopping online with an old TRS-80 Radio Shack computer though. *LOL* Ah, the good ole' days.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anonymous: See MMM's comments below.

Muskego Jeff: and everyone should be forced to work in a restaurant too. That would end bad tipping.

Valley Girl: as if you need an excuse to sit home and drink ;)

suicide_blond: I blame Californians for everything. I also blame the Dutch.

zandria: you're preaching to the choir sister.

SAILOR MOON: I'm not THAT old.

Barbara: I'd take the $50.

Carrie M: I avoid video games because I don't want to get hooked. It's like heroin.

MadMumbler Mommy: Well, that's one vote!