Sunday, November 18, 2007

Gentrification and Booze

Well gentrification has its upsides, no matter what they say. I was on a part of Georgia Avenue today which isn't exactly an area where the yuppies go for their fair trade organic soy chai decaf lattes at Starbucks.

I was there to attend a brainwashing, errr, I mean "orientation" for people who want to be foster owners for dogs until they are adopted. I have been thinking of getting a dog, and I figured this would be a good way to see if I am ready for that kind of commitment. Plus, having a dog for a few weeks, then getting a different dog, then another one, without having to commit to one is great in principle. It's like being single, young, rich, and having lots of money. New bitches every week and no commitment!

On the way back I needed to get a present for a birthday partay that I was going to. A friend suggested beaujolais nouveau, which is a special holiday wine that they make, that you should drink before the end of the year, because within 6 months it tastes like a mixture of balsamic vinegar, dirt and that stuff between your toes when you jog.

After the brainwashing, I went to visit the shelter dogs, one of whom's life I might spare in the near future, and then went to the liqour store. Luckily, I was on one of the parts of Georgia Avenue that have 3 liqour stores on every block (okay, one was a homeless guy offering to sell me a drink from his 40 ounce bottle of malt liqour, but you get the point). There were 2 liquors across the street from each other...seriously. Are people really thirsty on Georgia Avenue?

At the first place I went, the guy behind the counter told me that he wasn't sure if they had "Booo-jo-lay" but he said to check in the room in the back with the sign that said "wine library" (I wish I was making this up but I'm not). I saw a guy who looked like an extra on the Sopranos, who I assumed was the Wine Librarian (is that the proper term?). He mispronounced "beaujolais" and then told me that he ordered it, but it wasn't in yet. Then he offered to kill Don Corleone and end the feud between the five families of the Cosa Nostra if I would agree to back his bid to be Capo di Tutti Capi--the boss of all bosses (sort of like the Pope of the Mafia). Okay, that didn't really happen, but with his accent, it very well could have.

At the second place, they tried to sell me some of LAST year's beaujolais. Since the stuff goes bad after a few months, that's not a good idea. The price was cheap, but after a year it probably tastes worse than battery acid or cajun cooking so I said no thanks. He suggested some champagne, which sounded like a good idea.

HIN: I want one that will fool them into thinking I have class

Guy: How about some Cristal?

HIN: No, I'm not trying to convince them I'm a rapper.

Guy: This Dom Perignon is $200, it very classy!

HIN: No ones gonna believe I'm that classy.

Guy: How classy do you want to be?

HIN: I'd like a hundred bucks worth of tax. It's a special occasion.

I realized I probably shouldn't be getting advice on class from a guy with gang tattoos on his neck, so I called a friend (with class) and mispronounced the names of the champagnes they had until she said "yes, that's a good one." Then I was off to a birthday partay at the Decatur House. It was black tie, and I had my own Tuxedo, because I'm all classy and shit.

The Decatur House is one of the oldest houses in DC and it's historically preserved. I had no idea that in colonial times they had things like urinals and fluorescent lighting, but I'm not a history buff.


Muskego Jeff said...

I don't think you've had properly prepared battery acid if you don't like the taste. Done right, it's a little bitter, but packs a kick.

Learned that from a homeless dude when I was on vacation in Florida.

Unknown said...

Hey just to clarify - Starbucks doesn't have FAIR TRADE chai... or regularly carry Fair Trade coffee even. It doesn't even do organic very often. So really - just a bunch of yuppies who are brainwashed into thinking it does all that "green" stuff.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

jeff: yes, homeless dudes are like the google.

swsft: Well, I don't even go to starbux, so there...

Velvet said...

You and dogs...dogs and you...christ. Get a fucking dog already and stop going through the motions!


im seriously with Velvet...its been what? Like a year now you talk on and off about dogs..get one. The best one is a German shephard. I got one and shes the best!

Patricia said...

Amusing experience. I think that's a great idea about the foster home for dogs, but wouldn't the downside of doing this is falling in love with each dog? Good luck! Hope you had a good time at the birthday party.

Anonymous said...

You go to birthday parties at the Decatur House? Are you Paris Hilton?

Lara Ziobro said...

Interesting program on the dog adoption. What was the verdict - or are you still deciding?

The Decatur House is great! Can't speak for their urinals though...

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Velvet: Back off, dog pusher! You've got ulterior motives. You want me to take YOUR dog.

SAILOR MOON: Who's side are you on?

Patricia: Well, I think if I want to keep one, I get first dibs.

Anonymous: No...just a few rich friends.

LJ: They'll contact me when they have one that fits my requirments (i.e. 30 lbs or less).

Enchantress said...

Stopping through and got a laugh from your post...just curious, what was the name of the Champagne you purchased and was it good? I never know what kind to get.


Look, think of it this way! You can name your dog something ridiculous/inappropirate and you can say it outloud when you take it to the vet, or everytime someone asks you the name of it. lol

Velvet said...

I don't care which dog you take, but yes, you have been talking about it for sooooo long. It's like that job I interviewed for where they have had the position open for 11 months because they can't find the right person. I said, "Uh, if you hired someone close but not exact 11 months ago, you could have TRAINED them to do this job..." So, what I'm saying here is, perhaps it isn't the job seeker (dog) but the employer (you!)

Get a dog and live with it. Both my dogs wouldn't have been my "choice" if I had one. I wanted a Jack Russell Terrier, and I ended up with two mutts who are smart enough to cook me dinner and don't destroy the house. Pick a dog and give it a good home. In a year you'll say, "I can't imagine my life without...(insert dog name here.)"

And I love Sailor Moon!

Anonymous said...

can we have a name your dog contest????

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Enchantress: I can't remember exactly, but I just googled "champagne" and I THINK the name was Perrier Jouet. She liked it, so I'm assuming it's good (I can drink turpentine, so you can't judge by MY tastes).

SAILOR MOON: Yeah, I can call it Sh1thead, just like my dad called me.

Velvet: okay, you make a good point. But it HAS given lots of blog material. And Sailor Moon is kinda cute. Since u love her so much, any chance of some girl/girl action?

suicide_blond: Hey, that's a good idea. I'll still name it whatever I think will get me the most chicks though.

Anonymous said...

There are some parts of Georgia Avenue that are fine. I take the metro from the Georgia Avenue station. But the part of Georgia Avenue where the Humane Society is, is a little sketchy.

Anonymous said...


I love what you're doing with the house!

Have you considered listing it in the Home Name Registry? I think your home is perfect for it.

The website is


Dancer in DC said...

Ha! Great story, HIN. If you want a good wine store, the best in town is Schneider's on Capitol Hill. nowhere near Georgia Avenue, but I stand by my recommendation!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anonymous: a LITTLE sketchy?

Billy Splatts: Not my thing, but thanks.

Dancer in DC: I'm not a wine guy, but thanks.