Thursday, October 25, 2007


I stole a trashcan today. You might be wondering why I stole something that the city gives away for free. Well, I put my trash out this morning and when I came back this afternoon, my trashcan was gone. Initially I thought someone stole it.

HIN: I'm calling the cops. It should be pretty easy to find. It's green and plastic, like every other trashcan in DC, but mine has a whole near the top where a racoon chewed a hole in it.* (at least someone appreciates my cooking) The DC Cops are so competent that they should find it in no time.

Friend: Why would someone steal your trashcan with a hole in it, if they could steal one without a hole in it?

HIN: Because crackheads will steal anything, that's why!

Friend: Why would a crackhead steal something that's free?

HIN: Because he's a crackhead!

This circular logic even confused me. Now I guess I could've called the city and asked for another one, in which case they will probably ask me to write a letter, then tell me they never got it, then I would write another letter, then they will relent and give me another trashcan and charge me a meelyun dollars and when I complain about the cost they will refer me to some obscure section of DC trash regulations and then tell me to go fcuk myself.

So I did the next best thing. I stole one from my crazy Sudanese neighbor. The one who dumps dirt in my driveway and rents to 30 illegal immigrants who all want to park their cars (with no license plates) in my driveway. Let him deal with the city. How do you say 'Karma' in sudanese?

*I assume it was a racoon because the thought of a rat doing that scared the bejeesus out of me.


Anonymous said...

Glad I don't live in DC. Detroit's bad, but no one steals your garbage pails.

Anonymous said...

i think these people are looking for you..

Anonymous said...

Such airtight logic displayed by an active lawyer fills me with oceans of despair.


You know your neighbors know right? They just wont complain because they are afraid you will call immigration hahahahah
If you had a dog theyd eat it in revenge ...

Muskego Jeff said...

The little purse-type dogs he's been flittering on about wouldn't make much of a meal.

Gary said...

Did anyone on your street get robbed? What happens here is the thieves fill the garbage can with stuff from your garage and wheel it down the street to their house. Nobody reports someone walking a garbage can in the alley. To get a new one you generally have to file a police report and call the report number into the city and voila! A new container arrives at your back door.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anonymous: Yeah, but it's detroit! ;)

suicide_blond: Ooops. Say nothing.

You can call me, 'Sir' : practicing law is what fills me with despair.

SAILOR MOON: Machiavelli said it's better to be feared than loved.

Muskego Jeff: an appetizer, maybe?

Gary: Great. One more thing to worry about.