Saturday, September 15, 2007

On the Road Again: Part 2

Ahhhh, Bloomington! The Dallas/Fort Worth of Central Illinois, how could I not love thee? Apologies for the last drunken post. Very uncharacteristic of me--not the drunken part, but the posting while drunk part.

Moving on, I took the Amtrak up from St. Louis to here last night. Amtrak will never replace flying, but for short trips (Like DC to NYC) you can't beat it. Amtrak is like the attractive, gold-digging secretary who you have sex with once in a while, but who you will never leave your wife for. ("No, really, Tammi, I will tell my wife about us...soon. I mean, my kids are graduating from college in 8 years, so just be a little go try on that lingerie I bought you.")

I like midwesterners because they are genuinely nice people. Southerners are "fake nice", but if a midwesterner says something like "come back soon", they don't mean the exact opposite, like people in the south. I think that's why it's so surprising that most serial killers come from the midwest. And the attitude toward crime is really different too. When we went for dinner the other night in a St. Louis suburb with my old roommate, he literally didn't lock his front door. "what for, we're only gonna' be gone a couple of hours?"

Now, before I get some hate mail, let me say that I know a lot of nice southerners. And the food there can't be beat (except for grits, which I don't understand what the fuss is about). I mean, deep fried cheese versus something like a mississippi mud pie? That's like a fight between Woody Allen and Randy Coutoure. So while there are some really nice southerners in particular, the average midwesterner is nicer than the AVERAGE southerner.

That said, Central Illinois is a weird bird. The entire middle of the state is completely flat. You could build a hundred houses here and not use a level once. Besides being flat, every square inch is covered in corn to keep the evil spirits away. Corn = good mojo. I'm leaving for the wedding in a couple of hours, but just to show you how nice people are: when I asked about renting a car at the front desk, the clerk said "you don't need to rent a car, that's the church that Charley over there goes to, he can probably give you a ride." So I'm getting a ride with a really nice midwesterner who I just met in about an hour...who I hope is not a serial killer who will kill me and eat parts of me, and make a weird human suit out of my skin and dance around in front of the mirror with his bits tucked between his legs. Wish me luck!


Muskego Jeff said...

As a life-long Midwesterner, let me be the first to say that we don't all tuck the "bits" between our legs when we dance around in our clothes made from Easterners. That's more of a Minnesota thing.

Anonymous said...

i could probably change your mind about prob just havent had proper ones... (and by proper i mean with cheese and shrimp)
and oh yeah...i dont lock my doors either..should i?? what if somebody stops over while im not home??..i dont want em to have to wait on the porch!

Anonymous said...

okay, that visual just creeped me out.

Lara Ziobro said...

All Southerners aren't fake... and grits are a finery beyond explanation for sure!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

jeff: Mental note: reason number 398 to stay out of minnesota.

SB: can I kiss your grits ;)

anon: that makes two of us.

LJ: I didn't say they ALL were. I'm sure you're one of the nice ones...despite your fondness for grits.

Velvet said...

Yes, the rest of the country is not as mean as we are. And see? You made it home alive.

Bill the traveling salesman said...

First of all, it's so very unlikely that the serial killer would eat parts of you * AND * make your skin into an item of clothing. Usually, it's one * OR * the other.

And I commend to you the grits as served at Del Merei ( on Mt. Vernon in Alexandria. If that doesn't change your mind about grits, there are only a few options left. Some of them can be very convincing, though.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Velvet: Yes, I did. Growing up in NYC, I still can't get over how nice other people are.

Bill the traveling salesman: I'll take your suggestion, and SB's abot the shrimp & cheese with the grits and get back to you, err, I mean y'all.