Friday, December 15, 2006

Diesel Me

Well, I just went through a barrage of tests for a health screening and I found out that my body fat is 10.7%. Even though I haven't worked out in over 2 months and I put on about 10 pounds recently, I am still at 10.7% body fat. This doesn't surprise me. Doing construction work makes me storng like, well, like a construction worker. And as many of you know, I studied Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu for a year and a half when I was 15. Some of you probably think that lifting cinder blocks and Sheetrock has more to do with it than Kung fu, but you'd be wrong.

Some of you might be thinking that any positive effects of studying kung fu might have worn off after 20 years, and that couldn’t possibly explain my rockin’ muscles. Buy let me say this
1) Shaolin Kung Fu stays with you forever. It strengthens you from the inside, so even though I might put on a few pounds on the outside, on the inside I’m all Shaolin, baby!

2) Maybe you didn’t read carefully, but I didn’t just study any kind of kung fu. I studied Northern Eagle Claw. I used to go all the way into manhattan on the subway for an hour each way and get yelled at by an old Chinese guy who spoke broken English because even then I knew that Eagle Claw is the shit!

Grandmaster: You craw is very bad. Why so razy? Don’t be razy, practice!

Me: My craw? And who you calling razy? What does that even mean? All those years of Kung fu and you still can’t pronounce your Ls? Now who’s LLLLLazy. Say it with me…LLLLazy.

Grandmaster: If this conversation not imaginary for your brog, I would kill you with my powerful kung fu.

Me: Yes, that’s the power of my blog fu, I can mock anyone and win every argument because I can make up the facts as I go.

Grandmaster: Ha! You brog is like a Donard Rumsferd memo!

Me: Yes, indeed. Although he won’t be Secretary of Defense for another 15 years, that comment is still amusing because my blog doesn’t need to into account such things as the space time continuum.

Anyway, the tests came back all above average. It’s like the Lake Wobegon of medical screenings. I got to see my heart and arteries on an ultrasound and when they put the ultrasound on my belly, I found out that I wasn’t pregnant, which is strangely disappointing.

There were only two disturbing parts of the battery of tests.

Disturbing Item 1:

They took a picture of my heart and said that the Cardiologist would contact me later with the results. They said that’s how it has to be done for everyone, but it’s a little scary when every other test they tell you the results right there and congratulate you, then they take a picture or your most important organ (except for your genitals) and tell you that they’ll have to have a specialist call you and tell you how it came out.

Disturbing Item 2:

Rubbing that weird gel on you is creepy. I’m not entirely convinced that it was necessary for the ultrasound. I suspect that she put it on me because she doesn’t get to see many people with 10% body fat so she wanted to oil my muscles so she would have something to visualize about when she makes love to her husband.

Nurse: Okay, just look straight ahead and tell me that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.

Ninja: Ummm, if you were 30 years younger, that would only be half as creepy as it is now. Are you sure this is a legitimate test.

Nurse: Are YOU a doctor? Do you have any kind of medical training?

Ninja: Well, no but—

Nurse: Then be quiet and follow the procedures. Okay rub the lotion on your skin while I touch myself.

Ninja: Nurse?


Ninja: Wow…that’s a creepy Silence of the Lamb vibe. Luckily this conversation is
imaginary too.

Nurse: Well, lucky for you…but I’ll still think about you when I make love to my husband tonight.

Ninja: ewwww.


mysterygirl! said...


That's all. Congrats on a check-up well done.

boo said...

LMAO you're a fool for that. When i was pregnant I HATED that gel. They never rub it off completely and it gets in your clothes, its all sticky and icky..eew.

Melissa said...

If you have heart disease and need a transplant, can I get your old one in a jar to keep on my nightstand?

What? Like that's the creepiest thing you've heard lately? Please!

Anonymous said...

Wow... who knew you were hiding THAT under your ghey sweater!

JordanBaker said...

Imaginary conversations make jetlag so much nicer.


Hahahah you're too much sometimes...I been meaning to show you my nephew following in your ninja footsteps. it was his holloween costume, but stupid blog dont let me.. oh well just imagine a 6 year old kid doing Kung Fu moves to teh camera.. My fav was his mask!

Anonymous said...

You're not pregnant? That is strangely disappointing.

Twoste said...

The doctor once used the little light scope thing to look inside my ear and told me that he could see my brain.
Since those were my gullible days, I believed him.