Friday, November 28, 2008

My foot job

I'm gonna admit something now, because I'm sure people will find out eventually, so by coming clean and mocking myself, it will have no power over me. Ready for it? You sure? Okay here goes: I got a pedicure the other day. Now, before you say anything, you should know that I am straight as they come. In fact, I made sweet, sweet love to my hot girlfriend before and after the pedicure, so banish that those thoughts from your head.

I guess an explanation is in order. I used to get my haircut at a barber shop. It was one of those old timey barber shops where the guy who cuts your hair is in his 70s and the magazines that you read while you wait are Playboy magazines from the 80s. But the girlfriend gets her hair done at a salon type place and kept trying to get me to go to her place.

Me: Why would I go there for? I get good haircuts and I get to look at magazines from an era where it was still socially acceptable for girls to have pubic hair that looks like buckwheat.

Girlfriend: Well, this place uses better product in your hair.

Me: Product? I don't know what that is, but I've gone decades without it, so I'm pretty sure I don't need it.

Girlfriend: Also, the stylist gives you hand massage while you wait.

Me: Are the stylists women?

Girlfriend: Yes, why?

Me: A girl giving me a haircut and a hand job? Sign me up!!!

So after every haircut I got there they would ask me to set up an appointment for next time and if I wanted anything else like a manicure, pedicure or wax. "Uhhhh, what?!? no thanks." Well, eventually the stylist and the girlfriend talking up the pedicure (and my need for new blogging stories) turned the tables in favor of this.

I have no idea why I haven't done this before. I'll be the first to admit, that I have some ugly feet. If my feet were dogs, they would be pugs or bulldogs. If my feet were people, they would be Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah (back when she was fat). And also, they smell like burning rubber (and turd). But this girl at the salon clipped my toenails, massaged my feet; put some mud on it (that looked suspiciously like the poop my puppy makes when he's got diarrhea. Then she wrapped it in warm towels and give you a Cosmo to read. For the dudes reading this who've never seen one, Cosmo is like clothes porn for chicks.

Then eventually, another chick came over and started massaging my hands while the first girl took the mud off my feet and started massaging me. Incidentally, two girls simultaneously massaging me is what I imagine Heaven is like (except in Heaven, we would be naked, the girls would be even hotter, and I would be drinking a beer at the same time).

Anyway, I left without letting them paint my toes with clear polish (I'm straight and I'd like to keep it that way), then went to brunch with the girlfriend. What a great Saturday.



Anonymous said...

Well written Ninja...

but....enough with the "I'me not gay" stuff.

We believe you, but remember..."me thinks he doth protest too much..."

Might be a good way to meet/chat up girls though...maybe I'lle try it.

Anonymous said...

When I got back from a deployment a few years ago, a female friend gifted me a spa day. Having never done it before, I was unaware of the level of awesome I was about to endure. The awesomeness included a pedicure and, holy crap, that was some good 'foot' that lady gave me. Seriously, pedicures are amazing and relaxing and the feet deserve them.

Jean Martha said...

My Fiance gets pedicures and I am thankful for that. Before he started to do that he'd all but knife me with those nails at night...

Anonymous said...

I still remember the shirt incident...

And maybe you haven't watched Oprah in a while, but I think she's kind of fat again!

Anonymous said...

I have to say, the reasons you gave for indulging in the pedicure make perfect sense and I do not think you're gay.

(One guy massaging my feet while another massaged my hands would be HOT.)

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Anon: yes, it's women waiting on you hand and foot (literally). NOthing beats that!

You can call me, 'Sir': Preaching to the choir, brother!

Renovation Therapy: Yeah, my feet were like sandpaper before. I felt bad for the girl scraping all the dead skin off my ankles.

talkingbudgie: She was thin for about 5 mintues, I think.

zandria: Agreed.

Barbara said...

Aren't pedicures the greatest? I love the fact that the wonderful little Vietnamese girls where I go never tell me what God-ugly toenails I have. They just go through the same wonderful process that everyone else gets. I've been known to decline the polish too. You are not paying for the 15 cents worth of polish that takes about 2 minutes to apply, but rather for all the prep (the pedi foreplay) that happens before the polish.

So will you get a manicure the next time? They're pretty nice too.

As for Florida, I hope it's the southern part of the state so it will at least be warm. I always felt cheated living in the FL Panhandle, which was often cold and ugly in the winter.

sexy said...
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