Thursday, July 24, 2008

What I don't need to read.

When I read about a string of robberies in my neighborhood in broad daylight, I am not happy. Especially when one of them was on my block. From growing up in NYC, I think I can tell when someone is up to no good. Rather than wait for them to commit enough crimes that they eventually get caught (the DC Police Department sucks more ass than deviant anal p0rn) and maybe go to jail, I think the powers that be should give me a gun and a special license to shoot sketchy people (and Hockey Fan Douchebags).

I predict the crime rate will drop dramatically overnight (unless you count my shootings in the statistics, because I will take to my new job with unbridled enthusiasm). Now, I do hope that the people who were mugged are alright, but more importantly, I hope that this doesn't negatively affect my property values. With the way the stock market is tanking recently, I'm relying on the fortress as a backup for my not-so-secret become-rich-then-raise-an-army-of-zombies-and-take-over-the-world plan. And if all it takes for me to keep property values up is to run over a few low lifes here and there with my SUV, then I'm all for it.


And...if you think the DC Police are trying to catch these muggers, think again. They are busy giving out tickets to bicyclists. Good job, dougnut boys!!!


Lemmonex said...

For shame, don't hate on hockey fans. We are good, solid Americans.

John said...

It sounds like great plan and an affordable way to get some free zombie fodder.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

lemmonex: no you're not!

john: good idea. I can keep them in my back yard as an elite guard unit.

Gary said...

I once read that beer was bad for you so I made the decision to give up reading!

C&C said...

Sounds like an evening of watching the Charles Bronson "Death Wish" movies is in order for you! Then again, I don't know if it would make you feel a little vindicated or encourage you. Hmmm...good luck to you, hope your house stays safe!