Friday, June 06, 2008

The Time I weighed my Poop

I'm beginning to have sympathy for what you women go through. I always hear women complain about trying to lose weight and I never gave it a second thought because after being forced to watch a few Sex and the City episodes I realized that women can complain about anything. ("these shoes are ugly; these shoes look nice, but they are uncomfortable; I don't have enough dates; I have too many dates; the sex is bad; the sex is good...but it's too good; my apartment is too small; I have too many shoes; all my friends are getting married; Samantha has syphillis...wah wah wah).

But I'm thinking about going to another jiu jitsu tournament next saturday near Richmond, so I wanted to get down to 159 lbs and I realized why women complain about losing weight. It's HARD. You're hungry all the time and the only food you can eat is stuff that tastes like crap. I was at 175 pounds last week, but a lot of it wasn't muscle. That would put me in the 160-179 lb class, but I am sure that there will again be a lot of bigger guys there (200 lbs) that cut weight to get down to 179 and I don't feel like getting my arm almost broken again. I need to get down to a weight where I'm less than 10% body fat, and for me that's 160 lbs. It took me almost two months for my elbow to heal since last time so I want to fight at the right weight this time: 159 lbs. I cut out sodas (bye bye cherry cokes) and started eating salads (how gay is that?) and I am now 168 and miserable. I've been obsessing about calories and weight and working out like a fiend to get rid of the excess baggage. I was talking with my friend Uncle Rico (former Division I wrestler) about cutting weight:

Uncle Rico: Train yourself to take dumps in the morning.* You might be able
to drop a pound or a pound and a half before weigh ins if you dookie in the
mornings instead of the afternoon.

Me: Is it that much? How do I find out how much my dumps weigh?

Uncle Rico: Take a dump in a shoe box and bring it in. My buddy works in a lab and he can weigh it for you.

Me: [stunned silence]

Uncle Rico: Yeah, I've done it before. Just make sure you cover it with talcum
powder, otherwise it's disgusting.

Me: I don't care if you cover it with pixie dust, a turd in a box is still nasty, I'll try something else.

Pooping in the morning sounds like a good idea though, I must say. So was curious to know how much my dumps weigh because I want to weigh 159 exactly at the tournament (not 157 or 155) so I wanted to find out how much I could reliably cut by going to the bathroom, but pooping in a box is kinda sick and gross. So did the next best thing. I used the bathroom scale and I weighed myself before and after I pooped. I did this several times to ensure consistency. And I deduced my poops weigh between 1.1 and 1.4 lbs. Now I just have to train myself to go in the morning.

*Other weight cutting tips: drink lots of fluids and eat nothing but rice cakes for the week before the match. The last day don't eat anything and pee as much as possible.


C&C said...

I'm loling at you right now :)


NV said...

OK -- I just caught you on HouseBlogs for the first time about a week ago and you had me at inventing something to punch someone in the face through the phone.

This one may take the prize though. Thanks for the mid-morning laugh!


Jamie said...

Uncle Rico is a sick, sick man.

Every now and then some fat person in my office starts a weight loss competition. Inevitably, one of the actual fit people wins, despite having the least to lose.

Anyone who has ever had the privilege of running in DC in the summer knows the trick to this one. Just go for a brisk 8 or 9 mile run on the morning of the weigh-in. You can easily drop 6 or 7 pounds in water weight, especially if it's grotesquely hot outside.

Not sure I'd want to compete in a jujitsu tournament after that, though...

Corey said...

You can get drunk the night before to dehydrate yourself. Not sure how well you'd do at the tournament with a hangover though.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the wonderful world of weight loss. Make sure there is plenty of protein on the salads; this may be why you are starving.

Anonymous said...

You can't lose 8 lbs in a week without hurting yourself. You can lose 2, maybe 4 if you can dehydrate yourself. It's 2 lbs a week, otherwise you are tearing down muscle or peeing out electrolytes, which will compromise your reflexes and give you a big headache. In fact this might be why you feel so crappy right now.
Aren't there any matches in 2 months?

Anonymous said...

"Me: I don't care if you cover it with pixie dust, a turd in a box is still nasty, I'll try something else."

Oh, my God, that's hilarious! That totally made me laugh.

Too funny about the whole "relating to women" thing. I guess you may as well do it this way. But is it healthy to get down to that weight for a short period of time, just for a tournament?

Quinn said...

Maybe you could share your weighing technique with Uncle Rico. Before he has someone else looking for a box.....

Jean Martha said...

My Future MIL used to work at Weight Watchers and would get weighted once a month to make sure she was still worthy of employment (the 1970's). Their big trick was to eat nothing but string beans for a week. Apparently you crap your head off, and still get some nutrients. She said she routinely dropped 10 pounds doing this for 5-6 days before "weigh in". Afterwards...back to steak & brownies.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Omg this post was hilarious........

The Naked Newlywed said...

How is it in a post about weighing your own shit, you make women come out smelling like it?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

c&c: thanks.

NV: you're welcome.

Jamie: yes, we knew that about uncle rico.

Corey : well, it can't hurt.

lemmonex: ahhh, good point.

Anonymous: there's a lot of matches coming up, but you can lose that much witout harm.

zandria: 10lbs is fine. if you do 30-40 lbs, you start getting in trouble.

Quinn: noted! thanks for the tip.

Capitol Hill 20210: thanks.

The Dauntless Dater: talent?

The Naked Newlywed said...

Simultaneously pissing me off and making me laugh with your explanation. Now that's talent.



Lemon Gloria said...

This is fantastic! I can't believe I've never thought about thist before!