Tuesday, April 22, 2008

10 Things I Have Learned From Girls I Dated

  1. The girl on Sex and The City with the horse face is Sarah Jessica Parker. (women like her because she has a horse face but wears nice clothes and dates lots of guys);
  2. If a woman sees you holding a baby and not looking terrified, it's better than foreplay (the key is to wear your terror on the inside);
  3. If you ask a girl what's wrong and she says "nothing", she is lying (that's why you should pretend not to notice);
  4. Girls like watching you do guy stuff, like fixing things. (they like it almost as much as watching you hold a baby while not looking terrified);
  5. Girls are better drivers than men (they can drive and have conversations with full eye-contact at the same time while killing a suprisingly low number of pedestrians);
  6. Yes, girls do need that many shoes (supposedly);
  7. If a really attractive girl walks into a bar wearing anything remotely sexy, then she is a bitch, and where does she get off walking around with those hooker shoes and last season's Dolce? (and no, I was not checking her out...really...I swear...what?);
  8. For attractive girls, a cover charge is like a neutrino. It exists in theory, but no one has ever seen proof of one in person (same thing for speeding tickets);
  9. If you do her a favor and wash some dishes or something and she says "does this look clean to you?" it's a rhetorical question; (and she's a b1tch);
  10. Women who don't like dogs can't be trusted (they are those pygmies in africa who eat their babies and talk with that clicking sound).


The Maiden Metallurgist said...

You've cracked the code, now spread the word.

Anonymous said...

As for #9, throwing the 'dirty' dish against the wall, shattering it into a million pieces, then stating that 'it looks more broken than dirty' should do the trick, whatever that trick might be.

And #10 is so so horribly true. Run screaming into the night from women who hate dogs (lacking a really bad real-world experience on their part, of course).

Anonymous said...

Women are still a mystery to the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

If a man fixed my sink with a baby strapped to his chest, I may marry him.

Anonymous said...

I can fix your sink. Does it have to be my baby, or can I borrow one?

dara said...

I personally think that fixing things is way hotter than holding a baby.

Anonymous said...

Yeah - that's fairly accurate.

Anonymous said...

I prefer it is not your baby, darling fiancee.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

omg that was hilarious

KRIS said...

the only time i've ever gotten pulled over i got a ticket. perhaps it's because i was wearing a sports bra, soccer shorts and knee-high soccer socks that made me look less than non-ticket worthy?

also- voluntarily changing a baby's diaper is way sexier than holding a baby.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

The Maiden Metallurgist: I knew I was onto something.

You can call me, 'Sir': agreed. who could hate a dog?

Anonymous: join the club

lemmonex: is that an offer?

Lemmonex's Fiance: c0ckblock much?

dara: good, b/c I'm better at that.

renovationtherapy: fairly? Or was it so accurate that I just blew your mind?

Capitol Hill 20210: thanks.

SickGirl: are you kidding me? sports bra and knee high socks? That's hot. Mia Hamm...mmmmmmm....Haaaaaaaammmm!

WiscoBlonde said...

Thanks for stopping!

It's a shame, I'm definitely a cat person...and babies ARE delicious....

Cheat to Win said...

Not too bad a list, I must say I'm impressed.

And I call SJP "My Little Pony Parker."

Anonymous said...

These are great! I must say I don't agree with them all, though. I might have to write a response to this on my own site...

Lesli Richardson (aka Tymber Dalton) said...

My husband cannot fix things to save his life. (He has other great...qualities though. *G*)

And he has mastered the fine art of "choreplay." We've been happily married for over 10 years now. 'Nuff said.

I do not find plumbers sexy, because I do not find exposed butt cracks sexy. (And I refuse to pay obscene amounts of money for home repairs I can do myself.) However, I have to admit Grant on Ghost Hunters is kind of cute (but he's married, so that negates it).

But something else that I personally love is a good foot rub. (Of course, if you were to do that to a woman, she would be expected to have clean feet and not gross, disgusting hag's feet. Duh.)

So if you do the dishes, put down the toilet seat without being asked, fix something without exposing butt crack, and give mind-blowing foot rubs, what single, dog-loving straight girl who isn't seriously twisted could resist you?

Personally, if I was single and you came at me with a baby, I would run. I have a child, one is enough. I love him more than life itself and don't wish for another. Not all of us want to birth our own basketball team. *LOL*

HomeImprovementNinja said...

WiscoBlonde: your cannibalism doesn't bother me, but if you're a cat person, then we can't date.

Cheat to Win: thanks, I don't get why women think SJP is hot. No guy on earth thinks that.

zandria: feel free.

MadMumbler Mommy: well, I didn't say it applied to everyone, just women I've dated. But as with everything, your mileage may vary :)

Anonymous said...

Here's my response!

BG said...

#10 is true for men too. I don't trust people who don't like dogs. Cats on the other hand...meh.

As for babies and fixing things, I'd rather have a guy be handy opening champagne and around the kitchen. Sophistication- now that is an aphrodisiac.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

zandria : Nice!

Brett: Yeah, who likes cats?

Anonymous said...

Hey, you noticed the horse face? Are you my soul mate?
No matter how much I try to like that show, all I see is a bunch of overdressed actresses prancing around. If you close your eyes, they sound like the kind of blowsy, vulgar, lower-class hags you can find anywhere. The type that have given up make-up, are 60-70 lbs overweight and are missing a few teeth.
Furthermore, I'd like to punch that Manolo Blahnik right in his criminally insane nose.
Aside from that, fixing things is awesome, and anyone of any gender who criticizes someone who washes their dishes is an asshat.
That is all.

Anonymous said...

I'm TOTALLY with you on the dog thing. I've dated a number of non-dog guys. I should have just walked out on them as soon as I found that out.

As for the rest...I don't know. I'm a girl, but I'm not much like the rest of these. I don't like babies, I repair my own house, I always say what bothers me, and while no boyfriend has ever washed a dish for me, I'd never criticize him.

Yet I'm still single...maybe you can point me toward single guys in the DC area who are dog-people and interested in educated sane women??