Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Gay or European? VOTE NOW!!!

One of the greatest games ever to be posted on the internet is Gay or European.
Basically, you look at a picture of someone and guess if they are Gay or European. Sounds simple, right? Well, we’re gonna play a ninja version of that game on my blog today. This started with a dispute between Velvet and I over whether a particular, now infamous, sweater is gay or European.

Now before we start, I should mention that I’ve dated my share of European girls. Before the ToolBelt Diva and I dated (and broke up) the three previous girlfriends I had were a French girl, a Serbian girl (who used to model) and an American girl (who used to model) who lived in Italy for the past 8 years. I also not-so-seriously dated a German girl, a Brit and a Belgian girl. The reason I got to date hot euro chicks is because I (now) don’t mind wearing clothes that make me look European. It differentiates me from the fratty types and their Abercrombie gear and baseball caps, and the girls like it. I’m also an incredible salsa dancer (and mediocre swing dancer) so these things make up for my shortcomings, like my personality, the fact that I’m in love with Judy Greer, and my inexplicable aversion to eating olives.

The infamous sweater was picked out by the French girl I dated, who I’m still friends with. At first, I didn’t want to wear it because, let’s face it, it’s orange. So I waited ‘till Halloween to wear it, and when I did I had people telling me all day how good it looked. I felt like the girl who comes back from summer vacation after going through puberty and getting all kinds of new attention because of her new perky breasts. So that sweater was like my first real bra…a C cup from Victoria’s Secret.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I want to look like an American who dresses like a European, not an actual European, because they are small and wussy-like. The French girl once brought me back a sweater from Paris. I’m a medium and this sweater was an extra large. The sweater was tight on me. I think I could be a bouncer in France. How do you say “I think you’ve had enough to drink, Pierre…do you want to leave the easy way or the hard way” in French?

Anyway, today’s Gay or European game will feature the (in)famous Orange Sweater.

Random facts about the sweater:

Place of Purchase: Benetton
Price $110
Picked out by: French ex-girlfriend
Number of times girls have complimented me on it: 50+
Number of times that Velvet told me (loudly) that it looks gay: 50+
Number of times I’ve gotten laid on a first date while wearing it: 2
Odds that I would get laid at Blogger Happy Hour after Velvet yelled that it was a gay sweater: 1,000,000 to 1

Anyway, there was a reaaaaally cute girl there, who would’ve totally been my type if she weren’t already engaged. In addition to being (painfully) good looking, she likes the same type of things I do. Including kung fu movies! She actually said Kung Fu Hustle was one of her favorite movies. (one day a girl will tell me that her favorite movie is The 5 Deadly Venoms or The 36th Chamber of Shaolin and I’ll ask her to marry me, right then and there). But the whole dating-someone-else thing is a deal breaker for me. Some guys won’t date heavy girls, some won’t date republicans and some won’t date tranny hookers (but Porter Goss is okay with that). I can overlook minor stuff like if she thinks Fight Club is a good movie, but if she’s letting some other guy play hide the salami with her, that’s where I draw the line. Since she was taken, but realized how awesome I am, she tried to set me up with her friend.

Hottie: you should totally go for my friend. You’re cute, funny, and
you dress really nice.

Ninja: Well, I'm kinda seeing someone...plus, I don’t think she’s interested.

Hottie: That’s because she thinks your gay.

Ninja: Huh? She thinks I’m a gay?

Hottie: Yeah, we spotted you before and thought you were cute but my friends hought you were totally gay?

Ninja: Totally Gay!!! I’m not even partially gay.

Hottie: Well you’re dressed really nice, but your outfit looks—

Ninja: -- METROSEXUAL! The word you’re looking for is metro-sexual.

Hottie: Are you sure? What if you are and don’t know it? You know…a fagnostic.

Ninja: If that was the case, then I spent a small fortune acquiring the wrong kind of p0rn library.

Hottie: You’ve got an actual library…that’s impressive.

Ninja: Well, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I didn’t get these callouses on my hands from swinging a hammer, baby!

Hottie: wow...I was being sarcastic. But seriously, wow!

As the night wears on, Velvet finds out what happened and sends the following text message to one of the girls: “[Ninja] is not gay. He was just remiss is choosing that turtleneck.” I’m not really sure what “remiss” means, but I’m embarrassed nonetheless. This is worse than when my parents whip out the pics they took of me crying on the potty or eating from the garbage. And no, those pictures weren’t taken recently, they were when I was in diapers, so I was probably in my late teens or early twenties.

This quickly begins turning from mildly awkward to extremely uncomfortable. It feels like when you’re a teenager watching a movie at a family get-together with your parents and a sex scene comes on. You have nowhere to hide until it’s over and you know that any attempt to lessen the embarrassment will only make things worse. You’re just waiting for something like your grandma walking in from the kitchen and telling your mom to tell you about how one uses “those condom things” to keep a girl from getting in trouble. You just know that by the time you’re finished with your eventual therapy sessions, you’ll be out some serious bucks. After numerous drinks and discussing my turtleneck with anyone who’ll listen, she gets up from the table and shouts as loudly as possible to me from across the room.

Velvet: Don’t wear any more turtlenecks…people think you look gay!

Ninja: Please say that louder. These walls are brick and I don’t think the neighbors heard you.

Velvet: Don’t yell at me! First of all, I was only trying to help and second of all, You’re the one with the sweater that makes you look like a—

Ninja: --metrosexual? You were about to say I look like a metrosexual, right?

Velvet: no, a Fruity Pebble.

As we were leaving, I accosted 3 girls in the doorway and let them vote on it. Gay or European? Girl 1 liked the sweater (European). Girl two liked the sweater, but not the color (color=gay, sweater = European). Girl three liked the sweater and the color (or maybe she was jus’ sayin’ that ‘cuz she wants me). (European). In the car, the conversation continued. At the risk of mixing my metaphors, she wanted to beat this dead horse until the cows came home.

Velvet: Look, some people dig the metro look and other people don’t, they
think it looks gay.

Ninja: Can we drop this, please?

Velvet: Don’t get mad, I like the metro look.. If I didn’t know you and I saw you
in that sweater, I would probably fcuk you.

Ninja: Really?

Velvet: Yeah…if I didn’t know you. There’s no way I would fcuk you now.

Ninja: How come?

Velvet: Because my friends think you’re gay.

So anyways, I’ll leave it up to you people to vote on it. I don’t have a pic from the party, but here’s one of me at a friends’ party a couple of months ago. What say you???

Click Here to VOTE NOW!!!



I'm outta' town for a few days. I'll end the contest when I get back. Then I'll post some pics of where I was and we can play "where the hell is Home Improvement Ninja, and doesn't it suck that It's been snowing here while he was on the beach." The winner will get some old junk , err, I mean some vintage items.


boo said...

I have one just like it, but smaller. hehe

Phil said...

Red turtleneck? I think you know where I stand on the subject. However, the fact that it was purchased at Benetton is disturbing.

We buy most of our clothes at "The Sensible Male" or Sears. Place where manly men buy their turtlenecks.

Anonymous said...

Your linking to old Blair Mag content?? Better late than never, I guess.

Anonymous said...

I was going to vote European Gay, but didn't get that choice.

Melissa said...


And I don't remember saying I would fuck you...not at all...

Anonymous said...

I was the original GAY vote and I am sticking with it...

Michelle at Hey Love Designs said...

Hehe I won't say it looks gay but I'm sure you could sport a better look.

I'm anti-turtleneck anyways.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

peach: why are you wearing a man's sweater?

phil: even a qualified endorsement from one of the playaz is like a presidential veto on the gayness.

anon: it was relevant. besides, I don't like to be timely.

kathy: pick a side...hopefully the correct (euro) side.

velvet: DAMMIT...for the last time it's EUROPEAN!!!

I think the exact word was "date" or maybe "not throw a drink in your face", which is almost the same thing as fcuk. If I date a girl, there WILL be sexing involved...at least until we get married and she cuts me off because she's "too tired".

6s: Are you the girl from the Happy Hour? if so...HA!

Twoste said...

Okokokokokokokokok OKAY!
I voted European.
Here's why: I've totally seen that sweater worn in Europe before (being European myself) ... like, in the 80s.
Look, a French girl bought it for you. I can dig the sentimental value or the "sexiness" factor that you think you can sponge off of that. Dude, mad respect. I love the French ladies...luv them.
But, being of the recent revelation that dressing well matters, I've got to tell you: Don't wear that. Ever. Stop wearing it. You're wearing it now, aren't you? Take it off and put something else on with a proper collar. There are reasons why turtlenecks don't sell anymore. Must I go over them (I won't)? I don't care how you look, even if you are Marlon Brando circa before crazy McDonald's island phase.
But look, if a gay person wants to wear one of those, you know, I don't really care. I'm not saying "Don't wear it b/c I think it's gay." That would just be ignorant.

Melissa said...

Ha ha. Love Twoste!


Anonymous said...

I still say European / Metrosexual. And I would know, I've had my share of both.

Gary said...

OK this should settle it.

Sweater looks European

YOU look GAY!

Next you'll be wearing man tights and looking like a gay european!

Anonymous said...

I have a couple of sweaters like that but in less gay colors like black and grey and brown. Nonetheless I will in future think twice before wearing them ‘cause apparently they make us look less like Northsea fisherman and more like …Keywest fishermen. On the other hand if it works go with it. Clearly it is all about what sort of prey you are hunting for euro-chicks it works for Velvet and Velvet like (as if there were such a thing) you may want to give it a miss. Now if you will excuse me I am going to go put on a wife-beater and I don’t care how cold it is.

Meokat said...

At first glance I'd say it depends on the pants....

then thought about it and decided GAY. And as someone who has also dated European men and metros, I still say gay...

although it WOULD be more ambiguous if you were in Europe. Like maybe Spain, where most of the men looked gay (to men, anyway).

Melissa said...

You know, the Fencer wore a turtleneck when we had dinner and I distinctly remember thinking: He does not look gay like Ninja does. Probably because his turtleneck is a masculine gray! Yours? Orange. Oh boy.

Anonymous said...

I say gay- BUT don't consider that a bad thing. Women ALWAYS want gay men. It's good.
I almost said european because it's so gay that a metropolitan american gay man would never wear it. So it's like small town midwestern gay, because turtlenecks are still "edgy" there.

Eric said...

I wouldn't say that it looks gay. What I would say is that turtlenecks are awful (in my opinion anyway, not that that means anything). I might have called it European a few years ago.

Not so little Woman said...

I agree: Sweater = European.
Color = gay.

Those sweaters can look hot on a guy. Just pick another color!

Anonymous said...

The sweater in and of itself is okay...but would look much less...*ahem*...metrosexual in black.

Anonymous said...

BTW...what makes it even remotely gay is that you paid $110 FREAKIN' DOLLARS for a SWEATER!

I have Doc Martens that cost less and will last far longer.

Carrie M said...

the color is gay. the sweater is european. a guy in that sweater in black? hott.

Anonymous said...

Sorry man:

Sweater = gay.
Lips = Eerily similar to the BHR photographs.

JordanBaker said...

The color is good, but turtlenecks, especially thick-ribbed turtlenecks, are tres gay.

And the french you asked about is something like "Je pense que vous eu asse'a boire, Pierre. Voulez-vous aller a la manniere facile, ou la manniere dure?"

K said...

If the ladies think you look good in it, who cares if it's gay? I'm always buying sweaters for Darwin and persuading him to wear them. There's just something about in a man in well-fitting sweater - chic and sexy. So I'm voting European.

KassyK said...

Not gay...I'm a huge turtleneck on men fan. As long as the hair isn't too metro-ed out and the jeans are laid back...its great.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KassyK said...

So what if its gay...Gay men dress well. :)

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Twoste: Most of the people slamming the sweater have been men. The ovarian crowd seem to like it.

Velvet: IT'S EURO/METRO!!!

Hottie: Hottie from the happy hour? Welcome!!! Marry me! Marry me, now!!!

Gary: I don't wear tights. I wear the required wrestling uniform.

Fencer4: I have them in less EURO colors too.

Meokat: thanks. But it's clearly euro, not gay.

Velvet: And he never made it passed the first date. If it had been orange, he might have gotten to date number 2. Jus' sayin'.

Tacoma! So you mean gay, as in happy?

Eric: Don't hate on turtlenecks! You obviously didn't grow up someplace with snow.

Not so little Woman : I have them in black and beige too.

Texpundit: It doesn't matter what it cost. No one's doc maartens ever got them laid. It was worth every penny.

Carrie M: I'll take it under advisement.

Anonymous: HA Ha! If you're gonna hate, at least have the balls to put your name on it.

JordanBaker: Wow. My blogcrush has diminished slightly now.

Kristin: Amen, Kristen! It's all about what the ladies like.

KassyK : Thanks, Kass. For the record, I had on Diesel jeans with those, and I never use gel or anything on my hair. So, it was a non-gay outfit, according to your definition. Plus, you know how much I love me some va-jay-jay!

E :) said...

You look like a Wiggle. WAKE UP HOMEIMPROVEMENTNINJA! I think maybe the jumper is a Gayropean. Is that what you call a gay European?

Law-Rah said...

Nothing to say on the sweater that has not already been said, but to Anon...you are crazy, HIN has great lips!

Anonymous said...

turtleneck=gay. And I am a european. Nice color though, prada from 2-3 seasons ago.

Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Is that Velvet's gay hair next to your gay sweater in the gay photo?

I'm still undecided.

Freckled K said...

Gay. Sorry.

meghansdiscontent said...

Happy Birthday!

And, umm, yeah, Velvet's so right.
Gay, gay, gay.


Anonymous said...

I'd say you look like a gay American in the early '90s or like a Euro from the late '90s or early '00s. I think the fashion-forward gays of the last few years have abandoned that look for grungier, more casual attire. Orange turtlenecks may still be popular with the 40-60 something gay hairdress/antiques dealer Middle America crowd. As for the Euros -- it looks very working class European (not that that's bad)... Perhaps someone from Blackpool, England, or a former Communist bloc country would wear it, in an attempt to impress. As a side note... when I lived in Europe, I knew a bartender from Thessaloniki who wore orange turtlenecks and I was convinced he was gay.

I read a while back in one of those 'Details' "Are You Gay or Not?" quizzes that straight guys now dress like gay men did in the '70s... or something like that.

For What It's Worth, if you are going after girls who think you're gay b/c of your sweater, than perhaps you're going after the wrong girls (Velvet excluded).

Anonymous said...

PS-- Please excuse any and all of the misspelled words in the previous post.

Hammer said...

Being one of the "lucky" few who saw that thing in real life at the happy hour, all I can say is...

Sorry man, but if the gayness of that sweater could be turned into electrical energy, it could power San Francisco for six months on a single charge.

Old Lady said...

European on a European. On a Western male.....

JoJo said...

As a woman who loves shopping with her gay boyfriends, I gotta tell you...the sweater? Totally gay. In fact, I remember distinctly cringing when one of my Gay European boyfriends picked out something eerily similar.

Je pense que vous avez eu asse'à boire, Pierre.

Not so little Woman said...

Ohh!! And happy birthday!!

Not so little Woman said...

Black and beige turtlenecks. hmmmm. I agree with carrie m. Those look hott...

Melissa said...

Well, what have we learned here?

I see a few things. First, I am more in love with Hammer now than ever, and if he was here I would sooooo makeout with him right now.

Second, you do your count Ninja, but I think that it is pretty obvious that the verdict is GAY.

And yes to Arjewtino - that is in fact my hair, several moments before and after I screamed GAY!

NikkiWozzy said...

Well, I found my way over here via Velvet's blog. And I hate to tell you but that is a sweater that my lil bro would wear....and he is so gay. ;)

Ashburnite said...

Sorry, but I'd have to say gay as well. Even if it looks European- ever notice that a lot of European guys are mistaken for gay? A lot of men have been heard saying "I'm not gay, I'm European!"

I'm just saying.....

Anonymous said...

as a member of the ninja guild, we're revoking your usage of the title after seeing the turtleneck you wore.

our representatives will give you an application for the gay ninja guild when they pick up your badge.

Anonymous said...

How about a Gay European? I know it's been said before. But hey, if that works for you , Go with it! Just don't think that you can sneak that sort of crap into a Big Orange game some place down south. Cheers & Happy Birthday! 'VJ'

Lara Ziobro said...

European ... on both the sweater idea and the turtleneck.

LMNt said...

Sorry, dude -- I gotta go with Velvet here. Totally gay.

cs said...

I grew up in snow and I hate turtlenecks, period. That being said I voted European.

EJ Takes Life said...

Ces't tres homosexuelle!

Anonymous said...

im always late to these parties..sooo THAT is a turtleneck... i think i have seen them in europe..on older gay gentlemen..

Anonymous said...

Since "Definitely Homely" wasn't an option, I went for the Euro-trash. They wear some seriously horrendous stuff over there. Also, I don't think a "man who enjoys the company of other men" would wear something like that...they stereotypically tend to have better taste.




Anonymous said...

OK, I'm european. Before seeing the picture I was thinking that Velvet was a little overreacting.
But come on, it's shouting: GAY, GAY, GAY all over the place.
The good new is : it's not the turtleneck it's the color.

Anonymous said...

to call that t-neck "gay" is an insult to fantastic "gay" sensibility...it's just ub-euro-fug.

El Guapo in DC said...

I just took away your Latino card.

Anonymous said...

"It doesn't matter what it cost. No one's doc maartens ever got them laid. It was worth every penny. "

You've obviously never had a woman come up and use the "Nice boots...wanna fuck?" line on you. ;)

mysterygirl! said...

I said European. You can thank me later.

Anonymous said...

Not hating, just said you have BHR lips. Roosh said he wasn't gay, so it's sort of a compliment, sort of.

Bejeweled said...

What shoes were you wearing? That'll determine your gayness or not.

zulhai said...

Is this a trick question? What is the difference between Gay and European?
I think the sweater makes you look like the strong, black woman you are.


Hey I think that this is the most comments youve gotten in a long time lol.

Phil said...

Zulhai- fair question, but I think you're thinking "what's the difference between 'gay' and 'french'".

HomeImprovementNinja said...

comment deleted for pimping your blog. No external links allowed!

I'll be back in a couple of days to close out the contest.

The Urban Urchins said...

I was SO confused when I lived in France--I was like "why are all these gay guys hitting on me?" Then I got it, eventually.But when I returned to the states, all all these [gay] men were undoubtedly wondering "why is this straight chick hitting on me?"

ps;woman cannot choose by turtleneck alone. We need to see the shoes.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Ninja, do you know about this place: http://www.ninjanewyork.com/ninjacastle.html

Barbara said...

Definitely European. I love the sweater and the color seems more red than orange, a good thing.

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a flamboyant time!

Anonymous said...

Umm, let's see.

Pointing out that girls you dated are/were "models" points to a definite insecurity.

Creating an entire blog post about a sweater screams "gay". And "gay" again. It's cute that you think you could be "european". But you're just gay. Or another typical DC metrosexual male.

Actual, because you are so into pointing out the fact that you dated models, and spending such an inordinate amount of time focusing on an item of clothing, I would have to guess that you are just another boring DC metrosexual male.

I suggest going to South America and spending some time focusing on your masculinity.

People like you are responsible for the decline in birth rates.

Melissa said...

I think it's time to call this race. Want to report the results? Come on bitch. Let's hear it.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

First of all, I'm shocked at the amount of attention this received. Five blogs linked to this contest, thousands of pageviews, a couple of hundred votes and almost 70 comments (a site record).

I still think it's a euro sweater, but I'm not mad ad Velvet for drumming up votes for the other side. I have a signed Brianna Banks DVD that belogs to her, so how upset could I be?

masterofthe said...

sure gay!!!

i can see the mustache and beard mark shaved to the max.

that's why i go for the gay...