Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The One Where My Friend Comes For A Visit

I have an update on the battle with the mouse situation, but I'll do it in a day or two since I have to upload the picture first. Yes, it's what you think it is. In the meantime...

So last week I was lucky enough to get a surprise visitor. My first DC friend Sailor Moon was in town for a deposition. When I say she was my first DC friend, that’s not an exaggeration. We actually met during orientation at the grad school program we were in. DC is a very transient place, so it’s nice when you can reconnect with old friends.

Sailor Moon is very gifted in the ways of the job-hunting Force. She is like the Career Yoda. By the time the rest of us were figuring out how to use the metro here, she had already gotten a job at the best law firm in Sillycon Valley. When the dot com bust happened. She left her firm, with a severance package two months before a massive round of layoffs where no one got anything but a security guard escort to the front door with a free box to put their belongings in. Mad Job Skillz!

Anyway, I had dinner with her and a friend of hers (who’s probably reading this right now) at a place called Kelly’s Irish Times. It’s an irish bar that’s frequented by the type of annoying yuppies who play adult kickball (it’s a DC thing) and go to bars afterwards wearing their team uniforms as proudly as if they had just played and won a game in a real sport. Sorry kidz, but if it’s a “sport” that is played by 5th graders because the coordination required is so rudimentary that it won’t negatively affect even a child’s self esteem, then it’s not a real sport. Despite the bar’s shortcomings, they have chicken fingerz, and any kind of deep fried food can make up for a lot of sins.

So we talked about the Ninja Fortress, my plan to make a living from Ninja Stock Picks ™ and my dating life. Needless to say, each situation was pretty pathetic, but showing signs of hope. Sailor Moon had a baby recently, so did her cute friend. The conversation eventually turned to my plans for procreation.

SailorMoon: You ‘re good with kids…you should have a child.

Ninja: I’d like to, but I don’t have a uterus.

SailorMoon: [to friend] He’s kidding about that….tell her you’re kidding.

Ninja: ummm, okay…I was kidding about that…I do have a uterus.

SailorMoon: Arrrrghhhh!!!

We discussed my super-secret plan to eventually leave my job for something better and to make millions. All I need to do is to figure out what the “something” is and I’ll be all set. Maybe I can open a restaurant and sell deep fried food to Yuppie Kickball Leagues?

The One Where I Revive the Ninja News Skits

Since I haven't done Ninja News in a a while I figured this would be a treat. First up, is a film that has to do with powertools, but I'm posting it anwyay.

I think is the greatest commercial for Power tools ever made…in the history of mankind. After watching this the first time, I was literally speechless. My mind nearly exploded and as I struggled to cobble together a coherent thought, all I could up with was…”must see again”. Gawd I love Europe!!!

And here is an Ask A Ninja interview with Doog Toons. This has Ninjas, cartoons and friggin’ Star Wars…How can you go wrong with that?

And finally, proof that not everyone can be a ninja. Especially if you're sportin' a 1970's Dolemite Afro.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Weekend Recap

Well I didn’t get much done this weekend, and by “much” I mean nothing. Still, as far as weekends where you veg out go, it wasn’t so bad. I’ll try to do an actual plumbing post (with pics!) this week as penance. Damn you, Catholic Guilt!

I ALMOST did some actual work when, in a fit of perpetual boredom, I called a DC blogger I know and offered to fix her toilet. And, no, that’s not a euphemism for sex. But at this point, I'm so demoralized about the progress of my house that I’d rather work on other people’s houses (or do nothing) than work on my own place. Anyway, she is fun to hang out with because I enjoy her blog and she tells me the back story (or deleted scenes) to a lot of what goes on in her blog. It’s like the “Directors Cut” of the DVD, or watching the “deleted scenes” or “blooper reel” on the bonus DVD of Dude Where’s My Car.

Maybe I need a vacation? Maybe I need to get the Ninja Stock Picking blog operational?

Speaking of the alternate blog, I think I’ll finally set it up soon….no, really. As part of my research I went to the Library last week and this week. I got a library card. I feel like I’m in the fifth grade, except I’m allowed to drive to the library. There was a newsletter and a book that I needed to look at for my next Ninja Stock Pick. Now, I know what you’re about to say. Why don’t you just buy the book, Ninja? What are you, cheap or something?

No. The book I wanted is out of print, so Amazon doesn’t sell it. I tried to find it on eBay and it turns out the book sells for almost $1,200. I have a problem with that. I’ve almost never read a book more than once, and even if I read it everyday, I don’t see how any book could possibly be worth $1,000, even if it had nekkid pics of Judy Greer on every page.

As for the newsletter, it’s Value Line, which Warren Buffet swears by. It’s a great newsletter, but the subscription is $600 a year (and a few hundred more if you want to access the online stuff too). Again, even if Value Line was all about Judy Greer, it still would seem kinda steep. Besides, I don’t use it to generate ideas for Ninja Stock Picks, but only to get some objective analysis of my ideas and see if I’m on the right track. Which I am. Furthermore, although I like you imaginary readers, I don't see myserlf spending a couple of thousands bucks of my money and several hours of my time a week so that I can pick stocks to make you rich when you won't even send me free beer or buy me t-shirts with pop-culture references like "vote for Pluto".

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The One Where I Pontificate About Home Buying

I saw this article on the Real Estate Market, which I thought was interesting. Except for this part: "High prices are sewing the seeds of their own demise." It's sowing, as in "what ye sow, so shall ye reap." How the hell does someone sew seeds. Moron! Anyway, back to my twisted diatribe.

I’ve been saying the housing markets were due for a correction since ’03, but like the tech boom, I underestimated the ability of people to push a bubble to extremes. While I suck at predicting market tops (in stocks or real estate) I’m actually pretty good at predicting bottoms. After the tech crash in 2001, one of my aunts called me and said she was selling her mutual funds and asked if I thought that was a good idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea for old people to buy risky stocks in the first place, but I told her to empty out her bank accounts and buy more instead of selling. Of course, she ignored my advice because, like everyone else, they buy when the price goes up and panic when the price goes down. If she had listened to me, I’d have started this post with “let me tell you about why I’m my rich aunt’s favorite nephew.”

I think housing markets suffered from the same problem as dot com or tech stocks. People were seeing prices rise so rapidly that they felt they HAD to get in before they were priced out forever. Instead of being cautious when prices rose, it made them more eager to buy. But what Warren Buffet says about stocks applies to real estate too. “The dumbest reason in the world to buy a [house] is because the price went up.” Conversely, the dumbest reason not to buy a house is because the price is falling.

You see, when every body thinks the same thing, they are usually wrong because most people are idiots. Although I bought the ninja fortress even though I wasn’t confident about the housing market, I think that since everyone is predicting bad things for the housing market, now (or very soon) would actually be a good time to buy. When feckless homebuilders and desperate flippers are trying to unload their homes at bargain prices, buying actually makes a lot of sense. You don’t become rich like Warren Buffet or Donald Trump by buying high and trying to sell higher, so don’t panic if prices come down a bit. That’s a great buying opportunity.
Damn, this is very informative but not very funny, I shoulda’ saved this for my ninja investing blog.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The One Where My Sister Comes to Visit

Since I still hadn’t killed the mouse, I was worried about my sister visiting. I don’t think she bought the story about the little piles of poison I had the kitchen being blue breadcrumbs from some exotic dish I made. My sister’s a bad cook, but not even she will believe that.

Still, despite my not being able to kill the ninja mouse, (which I have named “Sho Kosugi”) yet, I thought we should make the most of the time she was here. So I decided to show her some sites. We got up reaaaaaallly early and got tickets for the inside of the Washington Monument. We were there ½ hour before the ticket place opened, but still only managed to snag afternoon tix, so a word to the wise: show up early.

I got a couple of extra tix and my friend Paddy McShamrock and his girlfriend met us there. They hadn’t been inside before either. Needless to say, going to a giant phallic symbol with your sister is weird, to say the least, but if you don’t think of the Washington Monument as a 600 foot long penis, the time just flies by. Nonetheless, I am sure that this episode will eventually come up in a therapy session at some point.

Then we went to the SPY Museum, which was totally worth the $15 it costs to get in. Most of the Government run museums in DC are free, but they still can’t get people to go because they suck. This one charges a lot, but there is long line to get in. Free market capitalism wins again! Suck it, socialists!

One thing I thought was really interesting about the Spy Museum was that they had an exhibit on spies throughout history. And what was histories greatest spy? You guessed it:

Is there anything a Ninja can’t do? Mad Skillz!!!

Then we went to the FDR Memorial

I don’t care if you know the DJ, if you ain’t on the VIP list, you’re not getting in!

By the way, despite having 2 kids and never setting foot in a gym my sister has trouble gaining weight. She says she wants to put on 10 lbs “so I don’t look like a crackhead”. This is why my niece is very lucky, she’s inheriting these ninja genetics.

Lincoln Memorial. Lincoln was one of America’s greatest tyrants…after FDR, of course. America’s 3 greatest presidents were Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson and Calvin Coolidge.

If you don't agree with me, that's okay. It probably means your a terrorist, a cannibal or pedophile, but you're entitled to your opinion, Osama.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The One Where I Do Some Actual Work For a Change

Well, since my sister was visiting I decided to install some shades in the master bedroom. I know what you’re thinking: You mean you just walk around in your tighty whities without having actual window shades. Yes, I do. Part of the reason that Ninja Fortress is so secure is that burglars are deterred because when they see me in my tighty whities, they are either so intimidated by my musculature that they dare not break in, or laugh so hard at the image of a grown man in tighty whities that they fall off the ladder and break their necks. This, as Sun Tzu would say, is the art of fighting without fighting. Nevertheless, I did some actual work this week (and figured a way to upload my (new) pics even though my compy still doesn’t have internet access.

While, I still can’t figure out how to get my old pics off there by burning them to a CD(“’Error Type 6’…huh? well at least it wasn’t Error Types 1-5, that would be fcuked up…I think”), but I can now upload new pics so we will reduce our diet of random libertarian rants and ninja news and hopefully do more actual home improvement stuff.



Damn, I rock without even trying.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The One Where I Get My Driveway Back

When we last left our protagonist, he was about to do something stupid—as usual. For the first part of this story, see yesterday’s post. Since I was furious, I thought (not so) seriously about throwing a giant cinderblock through his windshield and setting his car on fire. Even thinking about it now, makes me happy. But I remembered all the creative comments and the one about the fish really spoke to me. You know, putting a fish in his engine block so the untraceable smell will destroy him.

I looked in my freezer and all I had were some salmon steaks. I hated this guy’s car, but at $19 a pound from the Yuppiemart, that would be a very expensive practical joke.

Passive aggressiveness has a price people, and I decided that price would be $1.69. Soooooo, I opened up a can of tuna and made my way to the trespassing auto.

As I made my to his car with the dripping can of revenge, Starvin Marvin saw me. I was busted fish-handed. I threw out the open can of Tuna and went to lay the law of my driveway down to Starvin Marvin.

Ninja: Look man, I tried to be a nice guy and left a note on your windshield. You read the note, and STILL left your car in my driveway. Now it’s time for you to get your car out of my driveway.

Starvin’ Marvin: Yes, but I moved my car to the side so you can get by.

Ninja: That doesn’t matter. If I left a box of weights in your doorway and told you to step around it, would you be okay with that? I don’t want to drive around your car. What if I hit it?

Starvin’ Marvin: I’ll take responsibility.

Ninja: Oh really? I have a better idea…MOVE YOUR FCUKING CAR!

Starvin’ Marvin: Why are you being like this

Ninja: because it’s my driveway. You don’t live here, you don’t even live on this block. MOVE THE CAR NOW or I’m towing it.

Starvin’ Marvin: But my friend said I could park here.

Ninja: Yeah? Well guess what? Your friend can’t give you permission to park someplace that he doesn’t own…MOVE YOUR CAR.

Starvin Marvin: But I can't put in the street becasue my temporary tags have expired.

Ninja: Well, you know where else you can't put it? In my driveway. MOVE YOUR CAR.

This went on for several minutes. The more he tried to negotiate, the more intransigent I became. I’m not hear to haggle over melons in an Ethiopian farmers market. I want my driveway, with no car in it, and nothing else. I kept threatening to call the cops and tow truck and the guy was scared sh1tless. He obviously doesn’t know how useless the DC Police are and assumed that the DC Police were like the police in the Ethiopia where they come, flip a coin to decide who’s right and shoot the other guy.

Starvin’ Marvin: Why can’t you be a nice guy and let me leave it here ‘till tomorrow.

Ninja: The last time I was a nice guy and parked my car in the street, I got a $50 ticket. So if you want me to be a nice guy, give me $50 and you can park here for the next 8 hours.

Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $50.

Ninja: Too bad. Then move your car.

Starvin’ Marvin: But—

Ninja: Okay, now it’s $100.

Starvin’ Marvin: I don’t have $100 eith—


So after a few minutes of “negotiation” the deal we reached was that Starvin Marvin would move his car and I wouldn’t call the cops on him (again).

So, the story has a happy ending (for me, which is what matters). I got my driveway back, and he hasn’t been back since. I don’t know what ever became of Starvin’ Marvin, and frankly I don’t really care. As long as my parachute opens, fcuk him and his car with the expired temp tags!

The One Where Starvin' Marvin Blocks My Driveway

Well, I guess that I should fill you in on the episode with the car blocking my driveway. I didn’t do it last week partly because I’m lazy and partly because I can’t even think of it without getting my blood boiling.

Now, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know how sensitive/territorial I am about my driveway. despite all the yelling, there was no danger of a fist fight like there was with the Hondurans who got up in my grill. The culprit, a skinny Ethiopian who we’ll call “Starvin’ Marvin” wasn’t intimidating. I usually only fight when I lose my temper, and that usually only happens when someone bigger than me tries to intimidate or physically threaten me. I don’t think I’ve ever fought someone who was shorter than me. I’m not very tall, so I’m afraid of what the newspapers would think if I get into a fight with someone a couple of inches shorter than me.

Local Man Arrested for Beating Midget.

When I was in college, majoring in Psychology, for one of my classes, we had to read a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I can honestly say I got next to nothing out of this book. I don’t find it difficult saying to no to people, especially when they ask for something that they are not entitled to (or even when they are entitled to it). As a Catholic, my whole upbringing has been rooted in being denied things without explanation or reason….and guilt about sex. If you want to write a book to help Catholics, you should call it “When I Enjoy Myself, I Feel Guilty”. In case you’re wondering why I bring this up now. In great literature, this is known as “foreshadowing.” In mediocre blogging, it’s known as “rambling”.

I called the hardworking (HA!) members of the DC Police several times between 7am and 8pm. Each time I was assured that they would “send the next available car”. Well, I guess they were too busy ticketing jaywalkers (yes they do this), frequenting underage prostitutes (yes, they do this too) or getting arrested for assault and still collecting their salaries (yes, they do this too) to find ONE available car in a 12 hour period to give one care one ticket for being on my property.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and go door to door and look for the guy who left his car in my driveway. I went knocking and asking everyone if they knew who’s car that was. No one fessed up to it. One of my neighbors (the one who threw a dead rat from his yard into my driveway one Sunday morning) denied it but looked guilty. So I said:

Ninja: Okay…because I’m towing it in about 15 minutes.

Ass: Huh…uh, I think it belongs to a guy on the next block. I’ll give you his address and you can tell him to move it.

Ninja: [furious]. So this guy doesn’t even live here? You let somebody who doesn’t even live on this park his car in a driveway that doesn’t even belong to you and you want me to go talk with the guy. YOU go tell him to move his car.

I left and my blood pressure was through the roof. Just as I was about to do something stupid to his car (involving fish) I saw him: STARVIN' MARVIN'

More Tomorrow.

Friday, August 18, 2006

The One Where I Try to Kill My Roommate

Okay, so I have a fcuking MOUSE in the Impenetrable Fortress. Despite having 3 bedrooms and 2 Baths, this place isn’t big enough for the both of us, so I have decided that he (or she) must die…preferably a slow, painful death so that he tells all his mouse friends that the ninja is not one to be fcuked with!!! It’s bad enough that I have to live in a construction zone, I won’t do it with a roommate who pays no rent, hasn’t signed a lease and hasn’t let me check his FICO score.

This comes at the worse possible time too, my sister is visiting from Florida today and I had hoped to kill the li’l bastard before she got here so that I don’t get gossiped about all over south Florida. I set up glue traps and baited him with mouse poison all over the kitchen (which is where I spotted him). He hasn’t eaten the poison and actually moved one of the traps without stepping in it. This is a worthy foe. But I will stop at nothing to defeat him.

I will take ever-more drastic steps until I reach the doomsday solution. I will set fire to my own house to drive him out. And if that doesn’t work, then I’ll buy some Celine Dion CDs and play them full blast until he runs screaming from the rubble and lives out the rest of his life in a tortured madness. He will die screaming (in Mouse language, of course) “I can’t get that horrible song out of my head…damn you theme song from Titanic, the motion picture starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett. I don’t know why a mouse would know who those actors are, but I hate them just the same. Am I ever sorry that I messed with Ninja….I deserve this sick, twisted death.”

Anyway, I’ll keep you informed on my progress at killing my new roommate.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Just the Facts Ma'am

Much has been said about Senator George Allen’s allegedly racist remarks. Because I hate politicians as much as I hate traffic cops or pedophiles, I’ll give you my (i.e. the correct) take on the situation.

FACT: Virginia Senator, and Presidential hopeful, George Allen called a dark-skinned man a “Macaca”, which is a type of monkey.

So, at a rally with hundreds of white people, he singles out the only person with dark skin and calls him a monkey and tells him “welcome to America”.

This tells me a few things about George Allen:

1) He thinks non-whites are subhuman;
2) He doesn’t consider foreigners to be “Real Americans”. (FYI, the guy he singled out was born in the US).
3) He’s as ignorant and bigoted as his constiuents.

Now, before I posted this I called the Allen campaign headquarters to get a statement from them. Here’s what they said.

"George Allen ain’t no racist. I once saw him drink from the same water fountain as a colored who was even darker than that Macaca guy. And I once saw him shake hands with a gook…errrr, I mean a chinaman...I said chinaman."

[EDIT: I just learned that "Macaca" is commonly used as a derogatroy term in europe to refer to north africans. I don't believe Allen's denials that he didn't know what the word meant given that his mother is a frenchwoman who was raised in Tunisia.]

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Ninja Stock Picks Update

Interesting development. One of my Ninja Stock Picks ™ , Smith & Wesson (SWHC) was just rated by Investors Business Daily as one of the top 10 stocks under $10. I agree with the assessment. I usually only recommend value stocks, not growth stocks, but I made an exception for this one. Smith and Wesson is like the Angelina Jolie of stocks. If you only dated blondes, you still wouldn’t kick Angelina Jolie out of bed. Same here.

By the way, although Smith & Wesson is a great stock, I don't recommend using their product to shoot kittens...unless you need a cheap laugh to fill up your blog post, in which case Buttons dies.

Okay, just to update, I said I would try to update you imaginary people if I ever buy or sell, so… I accidentally sold all my shares of Embarq (EQ) yesterday. It was up as much as 18% from where I bought it, but I had a trailing stop loss on it which sells automatically if it goes down by 8% (so I don’t have to watch the market everyday). It was going down for a few days in a row and I had intended to move the stop loss off, since I didn’t want to sell, but I forgot and it sold me out of the position (then went up afterwards, of course).

I didn’t want to buy back in at higher price than I had sold, so I tried to sell a bunch of puts on it. My online account wouldn’t let me do it since I needed to fill out a special options form. CRAP! So during my lunch break I went down to the broker’s office and I filled out the form with the old lady broker. Hilarity ensued.

Broker: You realize that we don’t allow naked puts on options.

Ninja: Huh? Why not…I like naked puts. Although
I call ‘em “nekkid” puts.

Broker: Yeah…they’re too risky, so we don’t allow them.

Ninja: Ummm, yeah…I know about the risk, that’s why I wanted to do a spread position. You know, sell some puts, then leg into some other ones at a different price to hedge the risk.

Broker: Yeah…we don’t allow that.

Ninja: Quit staring at my ass!

Broker: Excuse me?

Ninja: Look, lady, you’ve been eye-jamming me since I walked in here, then I start talking about naked puts, and legging into a spread positions then you get all hot
and bothered and start staring at my ass.

Broker: How can I stare at your ass if you’re right in front of me.

Ninja: AHA! So you admit you’re staring at my front. The crotch is like the frontal ass, you perv.

Broker: I was doing no such thing, why would I look at you that way, I’m old enough to be your grandma.

Ninja: That makes it even more sick. I’m leaving, Miss Purvella McPurvey.

So basically, although I like Scottrade, I gotta find another broker now. One that lets me do naked puts. I sent away for an application from OptionsXpress, which got a good review from Money magazine, so hopefully they are not Latvian gangsters out to steal my money and buy a whorehouse in Riga.

I’m still working on the Ninja Stock Blog. For those of you who care, it will be at, but it’s not done yet. I’ve just been too busy (read: lazy) to finish it up yet.

Monday, August 14, 2006

My Dream Job...Or is it?

Well, since the Houston gig a few months ago didn't pan out, I have been thinking about what I would like to do for a living in an ideal world.

I mean, besides being married to Judy Greer.

One of my not-so secret desires is to get so good at Ninja Stock Picks ™ that I can eventually decide to do it full time. In my fantasy, people with lots of money try to convince me to give up my job as a government hack, close down my ninja blog and invest full time. As my demands get more and more outrageous (“I want my own toilet…I won’t be scootin’ and pootin’ in the same pot as the rest of you…it’s disgusting”) the offer finally becomes so good that I can’t turn it down. Anyway, I relive this scenario in my mind for anywhere between 6-14 hours a day.

Since the great and powerful Cosmos desires nothing more than to make me happy, it made me come across this article on starting your own hedge fund.

One thing that was odd which I didn’t know is that there are now more hedge funds than there are Taco Bells. I don’t know if I should be encouraged or discouraged by that. On the one hand, it could mean that the market is saturated, on the other hand it could mean that they are giving money to everybody…even the idiot who wants to start a fund and pick stocks based on Astrology. If you think I’m kidding about that, I’m not—read the article.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have my own hedge fund. Although Ninja Stock Picks ™ are beating all the major market averages, I brag so much about them that if I did it for a living my ego might be insufferable.

Ninja: Can I speak to the head of trading, please?

Receptionist: Ninja? I was told not to put you through ever again.

Ninja: Umm, I’m not the Ninja…I’m some other guy, and I’m calling about something completely different. Yeah…I’m a doctor of something and I’m calling about his uhhh, herpes test.

Receptionist: Oh my lord, I hope it’s not serious.

Ninja: Well, I wouldn’t eat any potato chips off his crotch if I was you…now put me through.

[transferring call]

BigShot: Hello, trading desk.

Ninja: IN YOUR FACE!!!

BigShot: Dammit! That’s not funny. It hasn’t been funny for the last 2 years. Every week when your fund is beating ours, you call and YELL into the phone. I’m tired of hearing “read it and weep, bitches” or “on your case, in your face” or “suck it, wall street”. Can you please stop calling and start acting like a responsible adult.

Ninja: Wow, I feel kinda silly now. I feel like an apology is in order, so on behalf of me and everyone at my hedge fund I’d just like to say…SUCK IT!!! HAHA!!!


So that I have something to look forward to I decided on something. Seriously. I'm going to start keeping track of my performance results, then go this conferece next year and see if any crazies want to give me money. I figure I'll stand next to one of these astrology investors and people will give me money because I'll be like the midget who only hangs around even shorter midgets so that I appear tall, by comparison. Or like those semi-retarded people who take jobs at the White House so they appear intelligent.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Random Real Estate Stuff

Since I don’t have anything substantive to post, I figured I would post a few interesting articles I came across on owning a home or buying/flipping property. I know that people who come here would rather have me tell them what to think than have to think for themselves, but you should really read these articles anyway. That way, if we ever meet at a cocktail party and there’s an awkward silence, you can bring up these articles and we can have some common frame of reference to bond over and feel like we have known each other our whole lives. Otherwise, I’ll make a clumsy excuse about needing more micro-brewed beer and feel even more awkward when you say you need some too and offer to come with me.

Here’s an article from Market Watch (a good place for ideas for my ninja stock picks) titled Fixer-uppers can be dreams or money pits

I think this article is noteworthy for a couple of things. One, the understatement of the century:

Although people still romanticize the concept of the fixer-upper, finding a diamond in the rough and restoring it to its former glory isn't always a pleasant experience.

That’s like Mrs. Lincoln saying that she didn’t enjoy the play as much as she thought she would.
And this piece of good advice:

And when you get discouraged midway through, go to a finished room, light a candle and enjoy a glass of wine, Silva said. It's hard work, but a home brought back to life -- with your style infused throughout its walls -- is often worth the effort.

If you replace “light a candle” with “drink beer” and “enjoy a glass of wine” with “surf the internet looking for things the nuns said would land you in hell”, then I agree with the stress technique 100%.

Things that make you go Hmmmmmm….

Partners in Life, Partners in Homebuying

This from NPR, it’s an interesting broadcast on unmarried people who buy homes together to break into the housing market. Aside from asking a question to a real estate broker, it’s a good analysis. Every real estate broker thinks that everybody should buy a house…right now! Asking one if it’s a good idea for anyone to buy a house is like asking a crack dealer if they think it’s a good idea to buy some crack. If you don’t want to listen to the whole article, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version: Buying a home together can be a good idea, but if you are unmarried, you should get a written agreement because if you aren't married, then you can’t split property up like a married couple if you breakup.

This is article from USA today. It talks about how, for some people, renting makes more sense than buying.

I think that sorta goes without saying. That’s like saying, eating cheese doesn’t make sense for some people (unless you don’t mind the bloating, cramps and farting that come from lactose intolerance). The lesbians in the article (who are so unattractive that if I pictured them doing girl/girl stuff to each other I would probably be sick) decided to sell their house in San Fransisco that they bought for $1 million and rent an apartment because the house payments were too high. Gee, who knew the mortgage payments on a million dollar house would be so expensive? In other news, letting your friends kick you in the nuts when you’re bored is not such a good idea.

Also...I interviewed to be on a real estate show on TV yesterday. This deserves a separate post. Tune in Next Week.

Speaking of Elections

Speaking of elections: one of my imaginary internet friends, Listen to Leon, has a good shot of winning a Black Weblog Award or two. In case you're wondering, my blog won't win any Black Weblog Awards because
1) I'm not black; and
2) My blog is crap.

I don't know who else I would vote for because
1) Most other blogs are crap;
2) Unless it's obvious from the blog name, I usually have no idea what color/sex/religion the writer is. For example, is the Anonymous Lawyer black? How do you know he isn't, you racist! I'm just kidding about that...or am I?

I can think of one other really funny black blogger off the top of my head, The Assimilated Negro He's also good, but
1) not an imaginary friend (never emailed each other);
2) he lives in NYC (the winner(s) should all come from DC, because it's like the Mecca of good blogs); and
3) I think Leon would kick TAN's ass in a photoshop fight.

So Leon should win for Best Humor blog, if anything.

Anyway, you can read about the categories and get some links to some of Leon's best work at:

My favorite is The Battle for Leon Supremacy. You can decide for yourself which post is best, but if you are in a fraternity and can't think for yourself, then I just told you what you think.

As for the other categories, best Personal Blog, Best Original Content. I don't know what makes a good personal blog, but I think Siryn's blog is very good.

Well, if there's a ever a best Ninja Weblog Award, Leon better hook me up with the endorsement on his blog. I'd have some stiff competition from Ask A Ninja and Dr. McNinja, so I need all the help I can get.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


I'm still working on the Investing Ninja Blog, but it's not ready yet. Still, since I said I would keep you imaginary people informed of my movements so you know when to buy or sell, I wanted to let you know that I sold my shares in American Home Mortgage (AHM) today. They were up about 10% from where I bought it at one point, but I had an automatic 6% trailing stop loss (like a booby trap) programmed into my account, so when the stock moved down a lot today, the program sold it automatically. I still think it's a good company, and I made SOME money on the dividend, plus the price (about 6% total in the past 2 or 3 months), but I am not sure if I will buy into it again or wait 'till the next Ninja Stock pick (dealing with Food and Breasts).

Speaking of the Food and Breasts stock, which I won't name yet, as part of my "research" I have been staring at a lot of breasts recently. I don't know if this will help my stock picking abilities, but it gives me an excuse to do something that I enjoy without suffering from Catholic guilt. As you know, at the Council of Nicea, the Pope and the Vatican Council declared that everything that feels good is a sin. So, since I am staring at breasts not purely for my own gratification, but to make you people rich, I am altruist--not a degenerate. Who knows, in a 100 years, maybe Pope John Paul III will make me the Patron Saint of Cleavage. Sweet.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Most Important Election in the 20th Century

Well, I heard about this contest for the Hottest DC Journalist. It turns out that the hottie who wrote the article in the Washington Post about me has been nominated. She got taken to task by Wonkette for soliciting votes by email, but I don’t really see any difference between that and the way politicians work the phones before an election. You can vote here.

In case you’re wondering which candidate my blog will officially endorse, let me say that cronyism has no part on my blog. Although Courtney wrote a Pulitzer worthy article about my blog and ninja fortress, I don’t think it’s fair to the others to let my tens of readers affect the outcome of a democratic election based on my personal feelings. Therefore we shall be completely objective.

First of all, some of these journalists are indeed hot. But others are just meh. Among the hotties there were a few standouts. Like this one.

Hilary Lefebre, from Nightline. This is the kind of girl you would take home to mom, even though you would have no idea how to prounounce her last name once you got her there.

Marry Me! Marry me, now!

In the end though, I believe that an election as important as this should be decided solely on the merits. And by “merits” I mean the girl who allowed herself to photographed in the sluttiest pose. In which I think we have a winner.

The Winner: MAD SKILLZ!

Honorable Mention to Liz Gorman. Why did Catholic's make impure thoughts a sin? Damn you, Catholic guilt!!!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Shoes, Washing Machines, and The Man.

So Saturday I went to the mall to take care of some errands. I bought a new washing machine and it's getting delivered this week. The impenetrable fortress will once again be fully operational and able to repel any enemy onlslaught in sparkling clean metrosexual garb. My enemies will tremble at my freshly laundered Diesel jeans.

Best Buy was running some kind of promotion where they weren't charging tax that day, which pleased me because libertarians HATE giving the government money. WHen I saw the receipt, however, I noticed that there was indeed tax on it, but the store was paying it.

Ninja: I thought you said there was no tax today.

Salesman: There isn't...Best Buy paid it for you.

Ninja: Yeah, but it doesn't matter...I thought I was stickin' it to The Man, but I'm not. You're still paying him. The Man still get's his money.

Salesman: What man?

Ninja: THE man. You know, Mister Charlie, Uncle Cracka'.

Salesman: Umm, here's your receipt Mr. Farakhan, have a nice day.

While I was at the mall, I stopped into the Apple store, which is like my crack den and checked my gmail account. Within the next week or two, I have decided that I should get a laptop. I didn't feel like dealing with people that day, but I'll do some research online and order it through work so I can get my goverment hack's discount on it.

Since I was at the mall, I stopped into Designer Shoe Warehouse, which, as the name implies is a warehouse of designer shoes. I needed a pair of black shoes, but the next thing I know I walked out there with 3 pairs of shoes, in exactly the same color.

I was thinking I could use the Steve Madden pair for informal stuff, I could abuse the Dockers when I salsa dance, and use the formal pair for work. But then I thought: Why did I just buy three shoes in the same color? I've never bought 3 pairs of shoes (in the same color) all in one day. What possesed me to do such a thing? I don't have a uterus?

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I'll Be Back...

They’re building a Target and some other big chain stores in my neighborhood (Columbia Heights). The good news is that it should raise property values in my neighborhood and enable me to laugh all the way to the bank when I eventually sell the fortress. The bad news is that it won’t be finished for another year or two. Since my friend, Sailor Moon, is visiting and my washing machine is still broken (the washing machine elves didn’t fix it overnight) I needed to run out to buy some sheets for the guest bedroom so that she doesn’t think I hate her and that’s why I made her sleep on dusty linens. (My house is construction site so everything is dusty). A Target in my neighborhood would’ve been really convenient. And if the DC government hadn’t stalled Target for 5 years, it would already be there. But if you want to invest millions in DC, bring jobs, benefit the citizens and increase tax revenues, DC will treat you like a tranny hooker at an evangelical church.

So, I NEED some sheets right now, but I don’t want to drive all the way to the Target in VA (which is at least ½ hour each way—or 45 minutes if you drive like I do). So I went to this place next to the evil Home Depot on Rhode Island Avenue because I assumed they might have some. They did. I got there right before closing and unfortunately didn’t have time to peruse their other wares. I HAVE to go back there because I saw THIS:

Hundreds of old skool Kung Fu DVDs for $4 each. HOLY CRAP! They had a bunch from the Wu Tang series, but the place was closing and they were shooing me out before I could find out if they had the really good ones that left an indelible imprint on my childhood brain on Saturday Mornings. You know, the awesome ones, like Shaolin Master Killer, Clan of the White Lotus and the Citizen Kane of old Skool Kung Fu Movies: The Five Deadly Venoms.*

It need not be said that: You will be mine...oh yes, you will be mine!

*Some people think that Executioners from Shaolin is the Citizen Kane of Kung Fu Movies. IT's not. THe plot is a lot like Clan of the White Lotus, so I would say Executioners is like the Godfather II of Kung Fu Movies.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Karma Chameleon

Well, I finally got that effin' car out of my driveway--no thanks to DC's finest. When I called at 6am and they said they would send the next available vehicle, I assumed that between 6 am and 9pm there would be at least 1 cop somewhere in DC that wasn't busy doing something more important (like popping wheelies on their cop bikes or stuffing their faces with doughnuts), but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I'll post about the rest of the story tomorrow or something, but I'm pissed off because this morning my washing machine died. I got 4 loads of laundry and that thing craps out on me? There's a laundry place a block from me, but still. I don't want to go there and waste half a saturday watching my clothes because some degenerate might steal my overpriced metrosexual jeans and sell them for crack. Especially not on a saturday when the temperature is supposed to hit 100 degrees and humid. Plus, public laundromats suck. One time when I was hanging out George Bush and Dick Cheney, Dubya said he would rather get cock-punched than have to go to a public laundromat--true story. So I cock-punched him, then the secret service tazered me and beat me with their fascist batons of oppression....good times.

So Instead, I have to waste half a saturday at Best Buy or Sears to order a washing machine. I have to buy some underwear, jeans and T-shirts at lunch today to last me 'till I order a new machine and get it delivered. Yeah, I'd rather do that than sit in a 110 degree laundromat on a saturday. But basically, what I was really wondering is if this has anything to do with Karma? Could it possibly? I mean, I'M THE GOOD GUY HERE. Why is Karma messing with my washing machine? Why doesn't it go mess with Hezbollah or something. Aren't there others more deserving of pusnishment? Is this payback for the dead hooker or catholic jokes I'm always making? If so, I'll stop...or pretend to 'till Karma forgets.

Anyway, I'll try to discuss my detective work (i.e. knocking on doors and asking "is that your fcuking car in my driveway") and "negotiation" (i.e. "move your fcucking car right now") with the driver tomorrow. Right now I'm pissed off and need coffee. the cable that I cancelled finally went off this morning. CRAP!!! I have some DVDs that I can watch until I upgrade my Netflix account to up my number of delivered movies, but I don't know how many times I can watch "Dude, Where's My Car" before I really lose it.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


This idiot, behind that tree, (with expired tags) was blocking my driveway this morning. Although I don’t normally drive to work, I’m through with being courteous. So I left a little nastygram on his car saying that if he parked in the driveway, I would have his car towed. Then I called 311 when I got to work to have the cops ticket the car. I might as well put my tax dollars to work.

I know you're probably thinking that I could drive around that car. I shouldn't have to. That's my effin' driveway and I'm through being nice about it. If he wanted to park in my driveway, he shoulda' asked me. Then I woulda' told him:

1) OK...that'll be $100 a day;
2) No...go fcuk yourself;
3) a sphinctersayswhat;
4) Yes...just kidding--go fcuk yourself.

But as it stands, this intrusion upon my property rights will not stand.

As a libertarian, I object to resorting to government oppression to get my way. I think people should be able to work out problems on their own, but if I solved the problem my way (throwing a brick through his windshield and torching his car) I’m sure I would look like the bad guy. Some idiot in a 15 year old Lincoln with expired tags blocks my driveway, I commit some minor arson and all of a sudden I’M the one who’s in the wrong? Anyway, I’ll let the cops handle it. Maybe they’ll give him a ticket, maybe they’ll tow it, or maybe, just maybe, they’ll throw a brick through his window and set fire to his car. THAT would be tax money well spent.