Friday, June 23, 2006

Houston, We Have a Problem

A couple of people I know in real life asked me about the Houston job yesterday, and I realized that I hadn't updated you imaginary friends on my situation. I'm sorry to keep you out of the loop. It's not a reflection on our imaginary relationship--really, I mean that--it's just that I have been busy and it slipped my mind. I hope you can all forgive me.

So what happened? Well, basically, they told me to go fvck myself. Yes, that's right. They said "Go get your shinebox, ninjaman." I mean, they said it niceley, I presume, but the words don't change the message. If you get fired, it's no comfort that you were "downsized". If you lost your 401k when the market crashed, its no consolation that the market "corrected." If you get diagnosed with ass cancer, it's no relief that the doctor "has magic medicines to fight the demons in your ass." And if you are rejected for a job that you didn't even know you wanted until you couldn't have it anymore, it's no consolation that "they went with someone local."

The Headhunter told me that they went with someone local because they thought that I wasn't really that interested in it. Acutally, I wasn't and maybe that's why they picked up on that. But the more I heard about it, the better it sounded. ($30k-40k a year raise, living in a city that's half as expensive as DC, opportunities to live abroad). Towards the end I felt like some hot fashion model from Oregon who is living in NYC and agrees to go out on a date with a Wall Street banker type only because she wants to eat at Nobu, then by the end of the meal she decides she really likes the guy because although he's not the most attractive guy in the world (HOUSTON...HEllooooo!!) he ends up being sweet and funny and really, really rich. She likes him so much, that she regrets not shaving her legs before the date. Then he doesn't call her for a second date becasue he decides to date some dorky MBA chick with glasses, frumpy clothes and shoes that me and my hot model friends would laugh at. Then I see him out at a fashionable hipster bar with her and my hot model girlfriends I laugh at him when we see his new girlfreind because "I'm so much hotter than her and my tits are real and everything." I laugh on the outside, but inside I'm secretly broken up about it, so my hot model friends get me drunk , then we go back to our hot model appartment in the Village and we have freaky hot lesbo sex....which we film and sell on the internet and make slots of money.

I've decided (retroactively) that I never really wanted that job in the first place. All that new money would mean that I would have to pay more in income tax. As a libertarian, I object to paying the government more in taxes, so my turning down their non-existent offer will mean less taxes flowing to the corrupt political machine in Washington. That's right. Just think of it as my way of "Sticking it to The Man."

I turned that job down because I believe in freedom, bitchez! So don't bother trying to call me back and offer me more money or a bigger office, because I got pricnciples and you can't put a price on that. I hope you're happy with your "local hire" because I'm not even bitter or anything. I'm sure he's really smart, has all his teeth (despite being a local) and can spell as well a high school kid where I'm from. It sounds like you'll be a perfect fit together. And don't bother calling me back and BEGGING for me to take your job because I don't want it. (Unless you want to offer me more money and a bigger office, in which case I'll shave my legs this time.)

17 comments:

Andy said...

Aw, HIN, maybe a robot will cheer you up. You could probably even get them to design one that looked like Judy Greer. I have a feeling it would be intimately involved in the healing process in that case.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2230715,00.html?feed=rss

Phil said...

I thought rich people didn't pay taxes?

Twoste said...

So you're unemployed, and you failed to land a job that would have given you a $30-40K raise over your previous job? That sucks. I feel your pain/bitterness.
Look man, Judy Greer isn't going to come a runnin unless you ante up with the moola. Although she may not be fickle like that.
No, I'm kidding. I hear you. Screw them...it was an Enron breakaway wasn't it? Yeah, screw Houston. Fattest city in America, although they couldn't possibly dress worse than most people in D.C. I saw another guy this morning with half a suit on and f-ing white running shoes.
If anything, people, stop buying white running shoes!!! Please! It screams..."DORK!"

HomeImprovementNinja said...

andy, there's no woman who can take the place of Judy Greer, let alone a robot.

phil, if I was rich maybe I wouldn't pay them either. But $30k more than my goverment hack salary still won't make me rich. But in houston, it will probably feel like I am.

twoste, not umemployed, just greedy. It wasn't an Enron breakaway either. It was one of the world's largest oil companies. Bitchez, man!

Siryn said...

It takes money to make money. End of story.

Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

So you identify with women, on an eerily, real level. Curious.

Momentary Academic said...

Well, you should leave the area until you've finished your house and been invited to dinner. Then you may do as you wish.

(Sorry about the job.)

Sweet said...

Besides Houston is as hot as hell! It's hot in DC now, people are probably melting over there right now as we speak.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Siryn: I hear that! I just wish I had more, so that I could make some serious loot and not have to work for other people any more. Technically, being self-employed would mean my boss is even a bigger asshole than my previous bosses, but it's probably worth it.

Marci: Was that really eerily real? I KNEW I was right about the freaky hot lesbo sex. THAT's why y'all go to bathrooms in groups.

Momentary Academic: Yeah that's the ideal scenario. But maybe a lateral move is just the kick in the ass I need to get things moving on the house.

Sweet: You might be right. But I can whole lotta' air conditioning for $40k. Jus' sayin'.

from houston said...

what is up with all the Houston bashing? Last I checked "Houston" didn't give you the big "FO", it was the stinkin' company....

anyway, I will find it in myself to forgive you...

BTW I have all my teeth (and no cavities EVER)!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

From Houston: HA! Fair enough. I was jus' bitter, that's all. NOthing against your fair city. In fact, the best sex I ever had was with a Baylor girl. For someone who went to school where dancing is a sin, she sure could move her hips. Jus' sayin'.

david said...

How can you take an update on a job prospect and turn it into something about freaky hot lezbo sex in the Village?!? Mad Skillz. Mad. Skillz.

Raincouver said...

Hey- your townhouse is looking great (especially that fridge). Why would you want to move out of the area???? Maybe that Baylor girl is moving to your hood soon.

As for leg shaving, I'm just glad you didn't post that. ~shiver~

Stef said...

Aw, David beat me to the punch! I, too, am amazed that you took a squashed career opportunity and turned it into a libertarian rant featuring hot model lesbian action. Nice. :-P

liberalbanana said...

That is the most awesome comparison I've ever read.

I'm sorry you didn't end up with that position...

Big Daddy said...

You couldn't pay me enough to move to Houston.

Mari said...

Hahahaha.
You know you could stop working altogether and start demanding social services from the man and try getting some of your tax money back that way.