Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dear Van In My Driveway

Dear Van Parked in My Driveway:

I know you have Virginia plates, but things work differently here in DC. See, here, you can't park in someone's driveway like an a-hole just because you don't want to leave your car on the street even though I counted two empty spaces in front of my house. You see, it's a shared alleyway, which means that everyone can drive up and down it, but no one can park there, because that would make driving on it a lot harder, understand?

Imagine my surprise when I was trying to exit my icy driveway and my car was slip-sliding all over the ice and it took me a full 20 minutes to get around your nice van without damaging it (believe me, I couldn't give 2 sh1ts about your van, it's my car I'm worried about). Well...when I finally got done, you can understand why I a little upset with you, and surprised to find that you hadn't locked your doors.

Now part of me thought I should do something vile, like take a dump in your seat or tell a homeless person they could sleep there for the night. Part of me thought I should just forgive and forget. Well, since I was short on time, out of toilet paper and not in a forgiving mood, I compromised. I left your door open just enough so that the dome light would stay on all night and your battery would be dead in the morning. Clever, huh? I hope you had a nice time trying to get someone random passerby to come to the alley to give you're car battery a jump (in the hood, no one's going to let you lure them into an alley) or paying a tow truck to come and give your car a jump start. Fair warning Virginia van: Park in my driveway again, and next time I will take the biggest dump of my life in your car and wipe my butt with your insurance and registration in the glove compartment. Have a great weekend!!!!

-HIN

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[EDIT]

I found out the Helio Gracie, founder/creator of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu died this morning. RIP.

12 comments:

Jamie said...

While I doubt that a car battery will die just from leaving the dome light on overnight, since even a couple of AA batteries can power a flashlight bulb like that for many hours, are you crazy?

So your problem is there's a car blocking your driveway. Your solution is to... try to immobilize it? Somehow, that doesn't really seem to be a good way to get that thing OUT OF YOUR DRIVEWAY. I would have taken a dump instead.

Ben said...

I agree with Jamie sans the poop, because well, it's cold and that's vile. People block my alley all the time and you just have to deal.

Oh yeah, and going in someone's car and taking a huge dump might land you and your DNA evidence in some serious...shit.

Corey said...

Why not just have them towed? I guess that's not as fun as pooping in someone's ride.

Muskego Jeff said...

Leaving the dome light on all night will drain the battery in cold weather. I've tested this theory a few times on my own cars on accident. In cold weather it will at least drain it enough so that it won't start the next morning.

Zenzele said...

That happened to me a few months ago, and I had the guy towed. The difference was that there was no way to mistake my driveway for anything else, except a driveway.

Fargo said...

I'll second Muskego Jeff's comment. More than once, I've also seen a left-on dome light drain the battery in cold weather.

When I had a similar blocked driveway experience, a few of us were blocked in. We left eggs and a couple of nasty-grams on the windshield, then we had the guy towed after we waited a few hours. I saw the jerk parked on our block occasionally after that, but he never blocked our driveway again.

Anonymous said...

Hey,thanks for leaving your prints on my vehicle. I owe you some memorabilia...

OJ

Titania said...

The problem with taking a dump, aside from the DNA markings, is that you need to be inspired for that, and the inspiration is not always there. I would suggest all of the above with a twist: leave the dome light on and locked the car from the inside, have the car towed, and get some dog/car shit (use a bag!) and leave it on the seat as you will not need inspiration for that and that shit is usually easily available.

Fargo said...

Dog or cat shit - excellent! Or add dead mice after you find them in the house. ;)

Fargo said...

Dog or cat shit - excellent! Or add dead mice after you find them in the house. ;)

sexy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Building Materials & Supplies said...

Was the driver not around so you could have asked them to move????