Pensive

Everytime another birthday rolls around, I get pensive. I was watching that new Scott Baio show on VH1 the other day. For those of you that don't know, Scott Baio had a "reality" show last season on Vh1 called "Scott Baio is 45 and still single". This season he is married and has a new show called "Scott Baio is 46 and still a douchebag". Actually, that's not the title, but it should be. Unlike most really rich guys, Scott is not some fat, bald investment banker working 80 hour weeks in order to get enough money to buy a trophy wife that doesn't have an eastern european accent. He made a lot of money off bad TV shows and is still young enough to enjoy it (not to mention that he has a full head of hair and lacks a spare tire around his midsection). On his way to being 46, he had sex a veritable who's who in hollywood hotties (Pam Anderson, Nicole Eggert, and numerous Playboy Playmates). Anyone who lived Scott Baio's life could be hit by a car and die a happy man, but all Scott does is complain and whine all day...you know what he does when he's not complaining? Neither do I, because he does it all the time. He's the Italian Woody Allen. Well, he whines like Woody Allen, only it's not funny when Scott does it, it's pathetic.

At any rate, one of the things I think about occasionally is settling down and getting married. Although I am the world's coolest uncle, I wonder what would happen if I don't settle down. In time, will I become an annoying whine-bag like Scott Baio, or this guy?

I think I'm in a better position (financially, emotionally and physically) than I was last year, but if you told me 10 years ago that I would be living in Washington, working for the government and spending my free time obsessing about countertops, I wouldn't have believed it. I have always been a libertarian, so if you told me 10 years ago (or yesterday) that I would be working for the government and enjoying it, that would be like telling a virgin in a convent that in a few years she will be working in a whorehouse and loving every minute of it.

For a second there I thought I was digressing, but digression implies that I even had a destination to begin with.

Anyway, I think (objectively) my life is okay right now. I have a house that is looking better, I have activities that I enjoy like meditation, salsa dancing, going to art museums and choking people. But I think I can do better. And as part of my introspection I have come up with interesting ideas about what direction my life will take in the next year.

I have a couple of nice trips planned and I've been getting calls from headhunters lately about job openings (some in DC, some in other cities), so I will be thinking long and hard (hehehehe "long and hard"!) about what to..."long and hard"...hahahha.

Where was I, oh yeah, Scott Baio is a douchebag.

Free Plug Fridays: Canine Edition

Even Hitler liked dogs...FACT!

So if you don't like dogs, then you are worse than Hitler...CONCLUSION!

Therefore, if you don't want to turn into some twisted hateful genocidal mutant with only one testicle, then you should consider owning a dog. Some of you might be wondering, what my point is. Or do I ever really have one?

I guess my point is that this Sunday, you can go to a dog adoption thing and get a dog, so that you don't end up like Hitler (married to a fat chick, living in a basement and waiting for the russians to close in on you).

Anyway, the adoption thing is in Arlington, VA from 12-2pm. It's at

PetMAC Arlington
822 N. Kenmore St.Arlington, VA 22201
(www.petmac.org)
703-908-PETS

Yes, I will be there because I have two testicles and I hate genocide. I am still undecided about what dog to get (if any). See you there! Or maybe I won't...you nazi!

Suck-i-tude

Okay, I suck at blogging lately. I know some of you are thinking "lately? when were you ever good at it? Or anything else for that matter?" And to that I say "Mom, I told you to stop reading my blog."

In between being busy at work, and with fun stuff, I also managed to get some stuff done at the house. So, although I'm not a new year's resolution kind of guy, I am a no-unfinished business kind of guy. So over the next few posts I am going to clean up some loose ends around here.

1. I'll finish up the Adventures in Law episodes where I talk about legal jobs that I've had. We have one more episode with Carl/Chris and the girls who crush on him, then we'll get to some really weird (but really true) stories of life at an actual law firm with psychotic bosses, incompetent support staff and one really handsome new associate who would eventually become a blogger that everyone knows and loves. And no, this story has nothing to do with Pink is the New Blog;
2. I'll throw in a couple of holiday stories with my wacky family (hey, you people are cheaper than a therapist);
3. I'll tell you about a good deed that I did which almost got me mauled by a rottweiler (I am really starting to hate my neighborhood);
4. and...I'll post some pics of my new kitchen countertops.

I tend to think of my house as some kind of metaphor for my life (in the Japanese "Kaizen" sense of continual improvement), but when I saw the countertop installed and I realized that the sink and dishwasher were in place, but weren't hooked up, that it really was a metaphor. It looks right, but it's not working. Just for show. It looks good from the outside, but upon closer inspection is completely dysfunctional (for now). Wow.

Also, we have an important dog-related announcement to make...with pics. Stay tuned.

Free Plug Fridays: Art Edition

Once again I will save you the trouble of thinking for yourself and give you a few Ninja-Approved Activities to pass the time. Because I'm all classy and shit, this week we will reviewing some artistic activities.

I. ART SHOW

One of my artist friends is having a big solo show in Alexandria, VA next Friday (January 18th) at the ArtWhino Gallery. You can see a poster for it below.

ArtWhino is a great new gallery that specializes in emerging artists. Unlike most of the other galleries in DC, they don't suck. They give talented newer artists a chance to display their work and get noticed. Sort of like Warehouse Gallery did in DC (before they got crushed by the twin headed monster of property taxes and gentrification).

As you can see from the flyer, it's got art, live music, booze, and cool people, so there's so much going for it that you should definitely go. It's more fun than watching midget wrestling, which is probably what you'd be doing that weekend if you didn't come.

If you are a guy, bring your girlfriend. If she's busy, then bring someone else's girlfriend. If you are a girl...wellllll, hellllloooo there :)

See you there. Email me if you have any questions.




II. Japanese Art Exhibit

Also in our free art stuff section. There is a great exhibit going on at the Sackler Gallery. It's a showing of Edo Period Japanese art. You can't get more ninja than that. The good thing is that the exhibit is so large that they are rotating the exhibits every couple of weeks, so you can go again and each time the place will be different. Like one of those choose-your-own-ending books, except that it's with pictures instead of words, and everyone is japanese. But you get the point, right?

III. Ninja Approved Artists

Because good things come in threes, and I can't think of something else to write about, I'll endorse a few artists now.

Joroko: very edgy anti-establishment artist. I have a couple of his pieces. One of them got me laid by a funky art girl with tattoos.

Davo: A cool cat that I met in Maui. I'm not a fan of Peter Max, but when you see Davo's work, you will see what pop art should look like. The painting I got from him is one of my favorite two paintings in the ninja collection.

J.Coleman: He's got the show at ArtWhino. You can see more of his work on his website.

Matt Sesow: Edgy DC artist. I'm going to his next open studio. I've been thinking about buying one of his pieces for a while and I saw a few new ones on his site that I liked.

Actual Home Improvement Stuff

One of the many things I am reluctant to do without guilt (because I'm catholic and feel guilt about everything) is to let other people work on the ninja fortress. It's partly because the first contractor I hired screwed up a lot of things and I ended up having to re-do them; which meant that I had to do it myself, and pay for someone else to do it which gave me the worst of both worlds. But it's also because on some level it feels like accepting failure; like admitting there is something in the world which I am not good at. I don't like to admit that. I'm a talented lawyer*, an exceptional salsa dancer, a skilled martial artist, a good writer, and I'm even reasonably good at pleasuring a woman.** How can I admit that there is something I can't fix with my powerful arms and manly home improvement tools? It's like admitting that you were born without testicles (which is okay if you're a girl, but not so okay if you are a man). Still, there is so much that needs to be done that not hiring people for some of it would be crazy and would make the renovations drag on forever. As it is, it already feels like forever. Renovating my fortress is starting to feel like watching The English Patient on endless loop for a week or making love with Rosie O'Donnell for an hour. Will it never end?

Anyways...I said I would post some home improvement stuff again, so I will. I got a couple of quotes for installing the kitchen countertop and I decided to go with someone that was recommended by a friend of a friend. After getting different samples and a couple of bids from different people, weighing the options, considering all the pros and cons, and looking at my astrology chart, I decided to go with the cheapest option and will cover my new cabinets in plywood...ok, I'm kidding about that. I decided to go with this Zodiac stuff, which looks just like granite, except that it doesn't have to be re-sealed every year and, unlike Mitt Romney's magic underwear, it doesn't stain. It's the same price as granite and it looks nice I think. Since I have black appliances, hardwood floors and darkish cabinets, a friend suggested Toasted Almond, which looks great, but with the size of my kitchen would be expensive. It turns out that the manufactured stone is sold by the slab so if you need just a leeeeeetle more than one slab, they have to charge you for two, which raises the price an extra $900. It seemed kinda silly to pay more for artificial stone than the real thing since buyers always think the stuff created in a lab isn't as good as the stuff created by nature (no one pays extra for a cubic zirconium ring). But in talking with the guy, he said he had a piece left over from a prior job and if I went with that color, he would only have to order one slab, so I can get it for the same price as the granite. Score! FYI, it's Minera Pearl, which looks the same, except with more black flecks in it, which actually makes it match better I think. I don't have ovaries so I'm not good at matching, but that's my opinion, for what it's worth. Anyway, I'll fax back the estimate today and I'll be sure to take some before/after pics of the cabinets (and my bank statement) so that you imaginary people can feel like you were watching the whole thing as it happened...like some kind of creepy celebrity obsessed stalker. Wish me luck.



*At least four of my clients from my law firm days are in federal prison now, but that is mostly due to their bad character, not my lawyering...well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it.
**I don't mean any particular woman, just women in general.

SUV Attacks on Homes Resume.

It's been a while since I mentioned SUV attacks against homes. I previously discussed the topic HERE, HERE, and HERE. Because it's been months since I mention it, you might think that a Kamikaze attack on someone's home was a fad like Disco or the internet, but sadly the lack of recent attacks was just an attempt to lull people into complacency in order to launch further surprise attacks. See the latest article HERE again.

As many of you know, I've been debating whether or not to adopt a dog recently. Although some people (incorrectly) assume small dogs are gay, I am still committed to adopting some kind of small (but still hetero) dog like a combat Beagle, or possibly an attack Dachshund. These kamikaze attacks give me pause, however. I am sure that with the proper training in Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu, (which I studied for almost an entire year when I was 15 years old) a dog of any size could repell any unarmed invader, and most armed invaders. I could leave for work everyday and the Fortress would be in safe hands...errr, paws. Still, I worry about whether a small unarmed dog, with no opposable thumbs will be able to resist an attack by armoured assault vehicles.

My neighbor drinks quite a bit and he's got a pretty big truck. It's not outfitted with .50 caliber machine guns, like my Ninja Lite-Armoured Assault Vehicle (NLAAV), but it could probably kill an unarmed Combat Beagle if it caught the mutt by surprise (like when the dog is raiding my fridge or licking himself).

Maybe I can teach the dog to drive and he can go all Mad Max on the neighborhood?

Ketchup post

Well, spending Christmas with the New York relatives isn't nearly as traumatic as spending Christmas with the Florida relatives, but I guess it all depends on how you look at it. You could just as easily say that Dante's third circle of hell isn't as traumatic as the 8th circle of hell. But still, if you had a choice between Christmas with my family and doing something more enjoyable (like laundry, or being date raped at a fraternity party) you would probably never get to hang out with my family and get some insight on how I learned to laugh at everything (while crying on the inside of course).

Spending time around my nieces and nephews is always an interesting experience. If you asked me before Christmas if I ever wanted kids, I would've said "yes...someday." But after a few days with the feral children, if you ask me the same question, my reply would probably be "no...I want a vasectomy...right now."

I'm back in DC now. New Year's Eve was enjoyable. I spent it in a hipster neighborhood in DC doing some of my favorite things : hanging out with friends, listening to live music, and salsa dancing. I later found out that I was a few doors down from another blogger, but I had no idea that she was nearby. She is an excellent stalker, it turns out.

I have read your comments on the previous posts, and instead of ignoring them, I will take them to heart and endeavor to try to bring more actual home improvement type posts in the near year.