Actual Home Improvement Stuff

One of the many things I am reluctant to do without guilt (because I'm catholic and feel guilt about everything) is to let other people work on the ninja fortress. It's partly because the first contractor I hired screwed up a lot of things and I ended up having to re-do them; which meant that I had to do it myself, and pay for someone else to do it which gave me the worst of both worlds. But it's also because on some level it feels like accepting failure; like admitting there is something in the world which I am not good at. I don't like to admit that. I'm a talented lawyer*, an exceptional salsa dancer, a skilled martial artist, a good writer, and I'm even reasonably good at pleasuring a woman.** How can I admit that there is something I can't fix with my powerful arms and manly home improvement tools? It's like admitting that you were born without testicles (which is okay if you're a girl, but not so okay if you are a man). Still, there is so much that needs to be done that not hiring people for some of it would be crazy and would make the renovations drag on forever. As it is, it already feels like forever. Renovating my fortress is starting to feel like watching The English Patient on endless loop for a week or making love with Rosie O'Donnell for an hour. Will it never end?

Anyways...I said I would post some home improvement stuff again, so I will. I got a couple of quotes for installing the kitchen countertop and I decided to go with someone that was recommended by a friend of a friend. After getting different samples and a couple of bids from different people, weighing the options, considering all the pros and cons, and looking at my astrology chart, I decided to go with the cheapest option and will cover my new cabinets in plywood...ok, I'm kidding about that. I decided to go with this Zodiac stuff, which looks just like granite, except that it doesn't have to be re-sealed every year and, unlike Mitt Romney's magic underwear, it doesn't stain. It's the same price as granite and it looks nice I think. Since I have black appliances, hardwood floors and darkish cabinets, a friend suggested Toasted Almond, which looks great, but with the size of my kitchen would be expensive. It turns out that the manufactured stone is sold by the slab so if you need just a leeeeeetle more than one slab, they have to charge you for two, which raises the price an extra $900. It seemed kinda silly to pay more for artificial stone than the real thing since buyers always think the stuff created in a lab isn't as good as the stuff created by nature (no one pays extra for a cubic zirconium ring). But in talking with the guy, he said he had a piece left over from a prior job and if I went with that color, he would only have to order one slab, so I can get it for the same price as the granite. Score! FYI, it's Minera Pearl, which looks the same, except with more black flecks in it, which actually makes it match better I think. I don't have ovaries so I'm not good at matching, but that's my opinion, for what it's worth. Anyway, I'll fax back the estimate today and I'll be sure to take some before/after pics of the cabinets (and my bank statement) so that you imaginary people can feel like you were watching the whole thing as it happened...like some kind of creepy celebrity obsessed stalker. Wish me luck.



*At least four of my clients from my law firm days are in federal prison now, but that is mostly due to their bad character, not my lawyering...well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it.
**I don't mean any particular woman, just women in general.