Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Secuirty Precautions and The Fortress

Hmmmm....I've been thinking that I should park the Ninja Light-Armoured Assault Vehicle (NLAAV) in front of my house, instead of in my rear parking spot. You see, I thought that the bars on the gates and windows made the Ninja Fortress impenetrable. BUT, recent hostile mouse incursions (all intruders were repelled with serious firepower) and THIS news article make me realize that further security measures may need to be taken. Of course, if that was my house, the Headline would read "Man Drives SUV into DC Rowhouse and is Mysteriously Decapitated".

When I read that article about someone destroying the entire front of a DC rowhouse using nothing more than an SUV and copious amounts of Booze, I figured I should increase the defensive fortifications on my house by parking the NLAAV in front immediately. I live near a hipster bar and a lot of the Yuppies in my neighborhood drive SUVs. I can just imagine some angry yuppie, going to that bar, getting drunk, then leaving in a rage because he coudln't find someone to engage in deviant sex with him, then getting behind the wheel of the SUV and mounting an assault on the ninja fortress.

I think Ideally I should dig a moat around the fortress and fill it with alligators, but I don't think I could get the required permits for that. Plus I'm lazy. So I'll just park the NLAAV in front and put a sign on the windshield that says "Unlike this House, My Sudanese Neighbor's House Is Remarkably Vulnerable to SUV Attacks."

6 comments:

JoJo said...

So, what I'm understanding is all the yuppie males willing to put out are hanging out in your neighborhood. Damn! I KNEW moving to NoVA was a mistake.

Gary said...

I can just imagine some angry yuppie, going to that bar, getting drunk, then leaving in a rage because he coudln't find someone to engage in deviant sex with him, then getting behind the wheel of the SUV and mounting an assault on the ninja fortress.

If they can't find someone in a bar, what makes them think they can crash your place to have deviant sex?

While on the subject. You know the difference between a "Bitch" and a "Whore"?
A Whore will sleep with anyone and a bitch will sleep with anyone except you!

HomeImprovementNinja said...

jojo, moving to Northern VA is always a mistake.

gary, i hoped they were crashing into my place for random violence. If they want deviant sex, they're barking up the wrong tree. I'm Catholic, so I consider everything besides missionary position to be deviant.

Peach said...

this was hella funny LOL

MadMumbler Mommy said...

Maybe you can find one of those rabid attack swans to inhabit your moat.

At least it would help prevent the illegal parkers invading your space.

Whatever happened with tuna-can Charley anyway? (Oh wait, you didn't get to use the tuna, did you.)

Hustleman said...

Hilarious! I just helped my sister move from over near The Wonderland Ballroom...LOL. Your description was pretty accurate. Although the last time I went, the turkey burger I got was so good that I was able to look past the drunken yuppie clientele...At least until I was done eating.