Many of you probably think that I’m paranoid about SUVs crashing into the Ninja Fortress. Well, if you think I’m overstating the risk of vehicle attacks, you’re wrong. Just this past week, there have been 3 attacks on buildings in the DC area. One was by an SUV, which destroyed a building and left 7 families homeless:
In a surprise move, this SUV struck the gas meter in order to amplify the power of it’s assault. Very crafty, my friend. I would almost say Ninja-esque, but a Ninja would never drive a BMW SUV. It’s too pretentious. The proper Ninja Lite-Armoured Assault Vehicle is a Honda CRV.
Anyway, in addition to the top-secret fortifications at the ninja fortress, I have taken to parking my NLAAV RIGHT behind a similar vehicle on my block. It makes my house look like a gathering place for the shadow warriors. Maybe some kind of Ninja headquarters. Anyway, just the idea that there may be several ninjas at home at any time is probably enough to deter most attackers.
In other news: A sports car crashed into a Dry Cleaner Store. Doubtless that word of my increased fortifications has gotten out and since they had no idea which townhouse was mine, they attacked a dry cleaners instead. The choice of a sports car was interesting too. Not as heavily armoured as an SUV, but quicker and more mobile. We’ll think on that one.
Or this: A Car in Fairfax crashes into building’s gas meter.
This was actually a good strategy. They seized on the SUV’s gas meter strategy. Since the car is not as strong as an SUV, he stuck the gas line, hoping to maximize the damage to make up for the fact that he’s driving a chick car.
Anyway, if any of you Kamikaze hipsters are reading this and thinking of crashing into my house, don't do it. I'm a mean drunk and am usually drinking the entire time I'm home, so if you crash into my house, I will kill you. I'll beat you to death with some beer bottles, or throw the nearest small object (probably a porn DVD) like a ninja star and decapitate you.