Basically, you look at a picture of someone and guess if they are Gay or European. Sounds simple, right? Well, we’re gonna play a ninja version of that game on my blog today. This started with a dispute between Velvet and I over whether a particular, now infamous, sweater is gay or European.
Now before we start, I should mention that I’ve dated my share of European girls. Before the ToolBelt Diva and I dated (and broke up) the three previous girlfriends I had were a French girl, a Serbian girl (who used to model) and an American girl (who used to model) who lived in Italy for the past 8 years. I also not-so-seriously dated a German girl, a Brit and a Belgian girl. The reason I got to date hot euro chicks is because I (now) don’t mind wearing clothes that make me look European. It differentiates me from the fratty types and their Abercrombie gear and baseball caps, and the girls like it. I’m also an incredible salsa dancer (and mediocre swing dancer) so these things make up for my shortcomings, like my personality, the fact that I’m in love with Judy Greer, and my inexplicable aversion to eating olives.
The infamous sweater was picked out by the French girl I dated, who I’m still friends with. At first, I didn’t want to wear it because, let’s face it, it’s orange. So I waited ‘till Halloween to wear it, and when I did I had people telling me all day how good it looked. I felt like the girl who comes back from summer vacation after going through puberty and getting all kinds of new attention because of her new perky breasts. So that sweater was like my first real bra…a C cup from Victoria’s Secret.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I want to look like an American who dresses like a European, not an actual European, because they are small and wussy-like. The French girl once brought me back a sweater from Paris. I’m a medium and this sweater was an extra large. The sweater was tight on me. I think I could be a bouncer in France. How do you say “I think you’ve had enough to drink, Pierre…do you want to leave the easy way or the hard way” in French?
Anyway, today’s Gay or European game will feature the (in)famous Orange Sweater.
Random facts about the sweater:
Place of Purchase: Benetton
Picked out by: French ex-girlfriend
Number of times girls have complimented me on it: 50+
Number of times that Velvet told me (loudly) that it looks gay: 50+
Number of times I’ve gotten laid on a first date while wearing it: 2
Odds that I would get laid at Blogger Happy Hour after Velvet yelled that it was a gay sweater: 1,000,000 to 1
Anyway, there was a reaaaaally cute girl there, who would’ve totally been my type if she weren’t already engaged. In addition to being (painfully) good looking, she likes the same type of things I do. Including kung fu movies! She actually said Kung Fu Hustle was one of her favorite movies. (one day a girl will tell me that her favorite movie is The 5 Deadly Venoms or The 36th Chamber of Shaolin and I’ll ask her to marry me, right then and there). But the whole dating-someone-else thing is a deal breaker for me. Some guys won’t date heavy girls, some won’t date republicans and some won’t date tranny hookers (but Porter Goss is okay with that). I can overlook minor stuff like if she thinks Fight Club is a good movie, but if she’s letting some other guy play hide the salami with her, that’s where I draw the line. Since she was taken, but realized how awesome I am, she tried to set me up with her friend.
Hottie: you should totally go for my friend. You’re cute, funny, and
you dress really nice.
Ninja: Well, I'm kinda seeing someone...plus, I don’t think she’s interested.
Hottie: That’s because she thinks your gay.
Ninja: Huh? She thinks I’m a gay?
Hottie: Yeah, we spotted you before and thought you were cute but my friends hought you were totally gay?
Ninja: Totally Gay!!! I’m not even partially gay.
Hottie: Well you’re dressed really nice, but your outfit looks—
Ninja: -- METROSEXUAL! The word you’re looking for is metro-sexual.
Hottie: Are you sure? What if you are and don’t know it? You know…a fagnostic.
Ninja: If that was the case, then I spent a small fortune acquiring the wrong kind of p0rn library.
Hottie: You’ve got an actual library…that’s impressive.
Ninja: Well, I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I didn’t get these callouses on my hands from swinging a hammer, baby!
Hottie: wow...I was being sarcastic. But seriously, wow!
As the night wears on, Velvet finds out what happened and sends the following text message to one of the girls: “[Ninja] is not gay. He was just remiss is choosing that turtleneck.” I’m not really sure what “remiss” means, but I’m embarrassed nonetheless. This is worse than when my parents whip out the pics they took of me crying on the potty or eating from the garbage. And no, those pictures weren’t taken recently, they were when I was in diapers, so I was probably in my late teens or early twenties.
This quickly begins turning from mildly awkward to extremely uncomfortable. It feels like when you’re a teenager watching a movie at a family get-together with your parents and a sex scene comes on. You have nowhere to hide until it’s over and you know that any attempt to lessen the embarrassment will only make things worse. You’re just waiting for something like your grandma walking in from the kitchen and telling your mom to tell you about how one uses “those condom things” to keep a girl from getting in trouble. You just know that by the time you’re finished with your eventual therapy sessions, you’ll be out some serious bucks. After numerous drinks and discussing my turtleneck with anyone who’ll listen, she gets up from the table and shouts as loudly as possible to me from across the room.
Velvet: Don’t wear any more turtlenecks…people think you look gay!
Ninja: Please say that louder. These walls are brick and I don’t think the neighbors heard you.
Velvet: Don’t yell at me! First of all, I was only trying to help and second of all, You’re the one with the sweater that makes you look like a—
Ninja: --metrosexual? You were about to say I look like a metrosexual, right?
Velvet: no, a Fruity Pebble.
As we were leaving, I accosted 3 girls in the doorway and let them vote on it. Gay or European? Girl 1 liked the sweater (European). Girl two liked the sweater, but not the color (color=gay, sweater = European). Girl three liked the sweater and the color (or maybe she was jus’ sayin’ that ‘cuz she wants me). (European). In the car, the conversation continued. At the risk of mixing my metaphors, she wanted to beat this dead horse until the cows came home.
Velvet: Look, some people dig the metro look and other people don’t, they
think it looks gay.
Ninja: Can we drop this, please?
Velvet: Don’t get mad, I like the metro look.. If I didn’t know you and I saw you
in that sweater, I would probably fcuk you.
Velvet: Yeah…if I didn’t know you. There’s no way I would fcuk you now.
Ninja: How come?
Velvet: Because my friends think you’re gay.
So anyways, I’ll leave it up to you people to vote on it. I don’t have a pic from the party, but here’s one of me at a friends’ party a couple of months ago. What say you???
GAY OR EUROPEAN.
Click Here to VOTE NOW!!!
I'm outta' town for a few days. I'll end the contest when I get back. Then I'll post some pics of where I was and we can play "where the hell is Home Improvement Ninja, and doesn't it suck that It's been snowing here while he was on the beach." The winner will get some old junk , err, I mean some vintage items.