Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Proof that I'm not a Jerk (as far as you know).

Ninjas have a long tradition of charity. In olden times, if a ninja was going to kill you on your birthday, they would ask you if you had a last request before you die. Many people asked to be spared, some asked for a threesome with double-jointed large-breasted twins, and some asked for flan. After you told them what your last request was, they would tell you to close your eyes and it would be granted. Then they would cut your head off-- without granting your wish. Although you didn’t get your last request, you would die happy because you died believing that your request would be granted.

The shadow warriors are also known for their unique gifts. For instance, if a ninja kills you on Christmas, he will reach into your chest, rip your heart out, then wrap it in a colorful festive ninja gift-wrap paper and give it back to you before you die. I should mention that if you are jewish, it’s not a good idea to be killed by a ninja on chanukah, because it involves ripping a piece off you every day for nine days, then handing it back to you, and on the last day, cutting your head off and making a dradle out of it. Not fun.

In the grand tradition of honoring the qualities of charity, mercy and giving for which the shadow warriors are known, I and I66 are hosting a happy hour where, in addition to abusing your liver, you can participate in a 50/50 raffle to raise money for charity. The winner will win half of what we take in and the rest will go to Manna, a charity that provides affordable housing for low-income people. It’s sorta’ like Habitat for Humanity, except that it’s a local charity, not a national one.

Since this is (mostly) a home improvement blog, I feel that this is a relevant charity. I know some of you are thinking “but ninja, this blog is also about libertarian rants, and ninja news (and now featuring ninja stock picks ™) why don’t you give to a charity that benefits one of those?” If that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m one step ahead of you, my dim-witted friend. But unfortunately, there are no charities dedicated to libertarian rants or ninja news (or charities that now feature Ninja Stock Picks ™). Therefore, housing it is!

Anyway, the event will be at the Science Club in DC on Friday. I think blogger happy hours are great because it gives the socially awkward an opportunity to interact with others in a setting that involves alcohol, which can lead to unprotected sex. That’s normally a bad thing, but most bloggers are probably virgins (or at least involuntarily celibate) and will be for the rest of their lives, so this presents an opportunity for their kind to procreate and perpetuate the species. Anyway, I hope to see you all there. If I’ve offended anyone and you would like to punch me in the face, feel free. I go by “home improvement ninja” but my real name is Donald Rumsfeld. See you soon!

8 comments:

E :) said...

Thanks for sending me back, Donald. Now I can't attend your damn happy hour.

Brunch Bird said...

Very glad you're blogging more regularly again because posts like this make me giggle.

Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Eight days. Dreidel.

Come on, HIN, I expect more from you.

Kristin said...

Just the words "Science Club" are enough to make me want to have unprotected sex.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Sorry about the E. I'll drink twice as much to make up for your absence.

brunch bird, thanks. I hope your laughing with me, not at me.

ar-jew-tino, if you want perfection, you're reading the wrong blog.

kristin, I think those words have the same effet on everyone.

Peach said...

i am involuntarily celibate!!! lol...and low income housing is a freakin sham. I couldnt get it because of my CREDIT!!!! my freakin CREDIT...I said "arent y'all aware that people with low income usually have fucked up credit? IM NOT BUYING AN ESCALADE!!!" I'm serious...its a sham. Only illeagal mexican's with 11 kids get low income...cuz the rent lady is Mexican too. If I have offended anyone with that...I go by peach..my real name is Paris Hilton

Peach said...

oh and I linked you by the way

liberalbanana said...

(Totally unrelated comment here...)

I just Googled "Comcast sux" and your site was listed third or fourth! How's it going, Home Improvement Ninja? Things are going I-Hate-Comcastically here. I am moving and wanted to cancel my internet and TV service. I called once. Then I called back to make sure I'd also cancelled internet as well as cable and they said they had no record that I'd cancelled either. So the guy went ahead and "cancelled" them for me. And by "cancelled" I mean NOT CANCELLED. I called back a third time this morning because I'd received another bill from Comcast and wanted to ensure that I didn't really owe anything because the billing period that starts tomorrow should be after my service ends TODAY. The rep said they'd tried to call my phone to set up a cancellation appt. and it was a bad number. NOT TRUE! She said someone would call me today, and I gave her an alternate number to try if the cell phone didn't work. Now it's 7 hours later and no call. So I called the main Comcast customer service (not my local office) and she said again, NO RECORD of me trying to cancel up until now. She said she cancelled it and I would not be billed for any day after today. Do I believe her? Of course not. Tomorrow? I'm calling again.

Rant over.

Happy Holidays! ;)