Ninjas have a long tradition of charity. In olden times, if a ninja was going to kill you on your birthday, they would ask you if you had a last request before you die. Many people asked to be spared, some asked for a threesome with double-jointed large-breasted twins, and some asked for flan. After you told them what your last request was, they would tell you to close your eyes and it would be granted. Then they would cut your head off-- without granting your wish. Although you didn’t get your last request, you would die happy because you died believing that your request would be granted.
The shadow warriors are also known for their unique gifts. For instance, if a ninja kills you on Christmas, he will reach into your chest, rip your heart out, then wrap it in a colorful festive ninja gift-wrap paper and give it back to you before you die. I should mention that if you are jewish, it’s not a good idea to be killed by a ninja on chanukah, because it involves ripping a piece off you every day for nine days, then handing it back to you, and on the last day, cutting your head off and making a dradle out of it. Not fun.
In the grand tradition of honoring the qualities of charity, mercy and giving for which the shadow warriors are known, I and I66 are hosting a happy hour where, in addition to abusing your liver, you can participate in a 50/50 raffle to raise money for charity. The winner will win half of what we take in and the rest will go to Manna, a charity that provides affordable housing for low-income people. It’s sorta’ like Habitat for Humanity, except that it’s a local charity, not a national one.
Since this is (mostly) a home improvement blog, I feel that this is a relevant charity. I know some of you are thinking “but ninja, this blog is also about libertarian rants, and ninja news (and now featuring ninja stock picks ™) why don’t you give to a charity that benefits one of those?” If that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m one step ahead of you, my dim-witted friend. But unfortunately, there are no charities dedicated to libertarian rants or ninja news (or charities that now feature Ninja Stock Picks ™). Therefore, housing it is!
Anyway, the event will be at the Science Club in DC on Friday. I think blogger happy hours are great because it gives the socially awkward an opportunity to interact with others in a setting that involves alcohol, which can lead to unprotected sex. That’s normally a bad thing, but most bloggers are probably virgins (or at least involuntarily celibate) and will be for the rest of their lives, so this presents an opportunity for their kind to procreate and perpetuate the species. Anyway, I hope to see you all there. If I’ve offended anyone and you would like to punch me in the face, feel free. I go by “home improvement ninja” but my real name is Donald Rumsfeld. See you soon!