Some of you might be thinking that any positive effects of studying kung fu might have worn off after 20 years, and that couldn’t possibly explain my rockin’ muscles. Buy let me say this
1) Shaolin Kung Fu stays with you forever. It strengthens you from the inside, so even though I might put on a few pounds on the outside, on the inside I’m all Shaolin, baby!
2) Maybe you didn’t read carefully, but I didn’t just study any kind of kung fu. I studied Northern Eagle Claw. I used to go all the way into manhattan on the subway for an hour each way and get yelled at by an old Chinese guy who spoke broken English because even then I knew that Eagle Claw is the shit!
Grandmaster: You craw is very bad. Why so razy? Don’t be razy, practice!
Me: My craw? And who you calling razy? What does that even mean? All those years of Kung fu and you still can’t pronounce your Ls? Now who’s LLLLLazy. Say it with me…LLLLazy.
Grandmaster: If this conversation not imaginary for your brog, I would kill you with my powerful kung fu.
Me: Yes, that’s the power of my blog fu, I can mock anyone and win every argument because I can make up the facts as I go.
Grandmaster: Ha! You brog is like a Donard Rumsferd memo!
Me: Yes, indeed. Although he won’t be Secretary of Defense for another 15 years, that comment is still amusing because my blog doesn’t need to into account such things as the space time continuum.
Anyway, the tests came back all above average. It’s like the Lake Wobegon of medical screenings. I got to see my heart and arteries on an ultrasound and when they put the ultrasound on my belly, I found out that I wasn’t pregnant, which is strangely disappointing.
There were only two disturbing parts of the battery of tests.
Disturbing Item 1:
They took a picture of my heart and said that the Cardiologist would contact me later with the results. They said that’s how it has to be done for everyone, but it’s a little scary when every other test they tell you the results right there and congratulate you, then they take a picture or your most important organ (except for your genitals) and tell you that they’ll have to have a specialist call you and tell you how it came out.
Disturbing Item 2:
Rubbing that weird gel on you is creepy. I’m not entirely convinced that it was necessary for the ultrasound. I suspect that she put it on me because she doesn’t get to see many people with 10% body fat so she wanted to oil my muscles so she would have something to visualize about when she makes love to her husband.
Nurse: Okay, just look straight ahead and tell me that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.
Ninja: Ummm, if you were 30 years younger, that would only be half as creepy as it is now. Are you sure this is a legitimate test.
Nurse: Are YOU a doctor? Do you have any kind of medical training?
Ninja: Well, no but—
Nurse: Then be quiet and follow the procedures. Okay rub the lotion on your skin while I touch myself.
Nurse: I SAID IT RUBS THE LOTION ON IT’S SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!!
Ninja: Wow…that’s a creepy Silence of the Lamb vibe. Luckily this conversation is
Nurse: Well, lucky for you…but I’ll still think about you when I make love to my husband tonight.