Well, I have been upset this past week because it turns out that I am not the winner of the $370 million lottery. Not only that, but I am $50 poorer as a result of that stupid game. I may have to take drastic steps.
In what I swear is completely unrelated news, I have an announcement to make: I, Home Improvement Ninja, am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Yes, you read that right, it’s me. I know the timing is suspicious, but it has nothing to do with the lottery. I would’ve made this announcement even if I had won.
The only reason I haven’t come forward until now is that I thought I might get hit up for child support payments by that gold-digging coke head...may she rest in peace. But now that she’s dead, I think I should step up and claim custody of my kid (or at least my pro-rata portion of it). I know that some of you are thinking "how could you have made it with Anna Nicole Smith without the paparazzi finding out." First of all, let me say that it's pretty easy to have sex with Anna Nicole Smith. I think it's harder to get NCAA playoff tickets than it is to get into Anna Nicole's pants. But even though making it with Anna Nicole is like making it with a glass of warm water, I won't speak badly of her since she is the mother of my beachhouse...errr, baby. I said baby; I meant baby and I said baby, okay.
Anyway, since l am a lawyer and respected member of the legal community, a paternity test won't be necessary. I will agree to a maternity test to determine if Anna Nicole Smith was the biological mother, but a paternity test would be ridiculous. If ninja sperm was in that uterus in a fight to death with sperm from a photographer, an old man, and a washed up lawyer who cries on TV (yes, I saw you Howard K. Stern) and is therefore not a real man, the results are obvious. The ninja sperm killed the other sperm, impregnated Anna Nicole, hid out for nine months, then killed her from the inside out. That's why the autopsy has taken nearly a month. Ninja sperm can hide from a medical examiner like a Bush appointee hides from a subpoena.
I understand that there is a $400 million inheritance that she will have and, as her father, I’ll make sure it stays safe until she reaches her 60th birthday, at which point I’ll turn every penny of it over to her (after deducting fees and expenses, of course).
And Judy Greer, if you’re reading this, I hope you are moved by a single father’s love for his insanely wealthy illegitimate daughter. I plan on posting pics of me and whats-her-face on here so that when you see it, you will think that I am all sensitive and shit and will want to go out with me…or at least modify the restraining order from 500 feet to 50 feet. If you did, I would stand exactly 51 feet outside your window (again) with a boombox and play Peter Gabriel’s “in your eyes” while wearing an ill-fitting trench coat like that ugly, skinny white kid in that Say Anything movie.
In other news, someone who I hope is Judy Greer, Rachel McHottie or the hotness that is Jamie has nominated me for Best DC Blog by the Sexiest DC Hetero Male. I don't understand what the contest is all about, but you should vote for me because if I manage to get laid from this contest, that's gotta be a good thing. Also, I think if I win this contest, it will negate the results of the infamous "Gay or European Sweater" poll.