I picked up a stick and whacked him once. He SCREAMED bloody murder. The shrieks from that little thumb-sized terrorist were deafening. I really can’t fathom how serial killers torture and kill animals, then move onto people when they get older. How can someone enjoy something like this? I was trying to euthanize this thing (who I hated) and I was still wracked with guilt at its pain. (Damn you, Catholic Church and your guilt!) I don’t know what happened between my last physical checkup and yesterday, but somewhere in between I grew some ovaries and uterus, because if I can’t kill a mouse, then how can I be a real man? I whacked it a few more times and the screams that I thought couldn’t get worse, did get worse…a lot worse. Then they stopped.
Then I noticed how small he was and surprised to see that my learned foe was so small. Then I saw IT. Another mouse, slightly larger ran by and hid. BASTARD!
It was Sho Kosugi. I had killed his apprentice, but the master still lived…and he was now wise to my tricks. This weekend, we’ll have to switch to snap traps to kill him. If he learns my secret techniques, I’ll just come up with new ones.
I thought I would be happy or at least relieved when the apprentice mouse died, but the fact that *I* killed him instead of the trap filled me with guilt and remorse instead. Well, at least there no tears. ‘Cuz that would be fcuked up. There’s a fine line between being less of a man, and being an actual woman…and that line is crossed when you cry over a dead mouse.
When I told Johnny Vegas about the incident, he tried to make me feel worse about it.
Ninja: Yeah…that screaming was freaky man. It was like it was screaming “you
better kill me, fcuker, because when I break free from this glue, I’m kicking
JV: Well, it was trapped in glue and being bludgeoned to
death. More likely it was screaming “oh please don’t kill me…we’re all god’s
So, in order to pay Vegas back for his guilt trip, we will mock him for the next paragraph. Once upon a time (meaning yesterday) Johnny Vegas was running out the door to go the gym. At the door were two bags. One containing his gym clothes and another containing garbage. [yadda yadda yadda] Vegas drives to the gym with a bag of garbage in his new car. The end.
Anyway…stay tuned. Hopefully I’ll kill Sho Kosugi by next week.
Unless he runs to the mountains, trains in a new style of Shaolin Kung Fu and comes back to challenge me to a duel to the death. Yeah, that would be fcuked up.